


Solemnly Swear

by moonshine623



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Britain 1970s, Canon Compliant, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hogwarts, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), POV Alternating, POV Third Person Limited, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Teenagers, Young Adults, dorlene, jily, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:20:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 93,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27224920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonshine623/pseuds/moonshine623
Summary: The Marauders Era story we truly deserved. Lots of angst and fluff and plot. Leave any comments or requests and I will answer them :)1976 - 1981Will probably end up being about 200 odd chapters, so we're in this for the long runUpdates every 3-5 days, sometimes more, sometimes less - I'm a bit chaotic, so no regular posting schedule, but it's pretty frequent!Wolfstar, Jily, Dorlene
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon & Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Mary Macdonald & Marlene McKinnon & Dorcas Meadowes & Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Marlene McKinnon, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 95
Kudos: 127
Collections: Marauders Universe





	1. After the Fight

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first chapter, depicts some kinda angsty-ness between our favourite couple. It takes place the night after the Pensieve scene that Harry saw.

James went to bed ashamed that night.

Frankly, Snivellus deserved it. He was bigoted, had been racist to Lily. James hated that she couldn't see that. Couldn't see that her friend from the past had gone, and in his place was an aspiring Death Eater. Couldn't see that while he might have apologised to her for saying that awful slur, he had used it plenty of times otherwise without the slightest bit of remorse. Couldn't she have seen him torturing that poor Hufflepuff first-year last Monday because she was reading a Muggle book?

But he was still ashamed. He knew that bullying Snape wouldn't make him better. And yes, James Potter could be arrogant. He knew it. He knew, as the best Quidditch player on the Gryffindor team, he was popular. His family was affluent and loving. And he had the best friends anyone could ask for. James Potter knew he was lucky. But he wasn't _that_ bad, right? And this didn't ruin his chances of going out with Lily?

 _Damn it, James! Focus on repenting for your actions!_ A voice in his head that sounded far too much like Sirius for James' comfort was in his head again, berating him. James sat up blearily and fumbled for his glasses. He knew he wouldn't be able to get any sleep. He ripped open his four-poster bed and lifted his legs out of it.

"Sirius! Get up!" he hissed, prodding his best friend in the side. The boy in question moaned loudly at the injustice of being awoken.

"Shut the fuck up! Do you want to wake Shacklebolt?" James gestured at the fifth boy in the dormitory. Kingsley Shacklebolt had been sharing the dorm with them for five years, and none of the Marauders had ever gotten over their fear of him. Shacklebolt had, rather cleverly, kept the fuck away from these idiots, and he had a bright future ahead of him (or so the teachers often parroted.)

Sirius swung his legs out of bed and rubbed his hand over his eyes. "What do you want?"

"A snack," James decided. "Come on, mate. Please?"

"What are you guys doing up?" A voice squeaked from the left of the room. Peter's voice still hadn't broken, to the fifteen-year-old's chagrin. The rest of the Marauders not so secretly placed bets on when this awaited event would finally happen, second to only the day that Lily Evans did not hate the sight of James Potter's face.

"Getting a snack, Peter," James said, digging his Invisibility Cloak out from under his pillow. "Want to come?"

Peter shook his head and stayed under his covers. "I'm fine."

Sirius flipped him the bird. "Can't be arsed."

James sighed, and opened the dormitory door.

* * *

James prayed the Fat Lady was out. She was often privy to the Marauders' schemes and nightly outings, but had lately developed the rather annoying habit of loudly counting the amount of days in a row the Marauders snuck out. (She was currently on 12, thanks to Peter's stomach issues breaking the streak.)

The Gryffindor Common Room was shadowed, but the large windows overlooking the Hogwarts grounds displayed a beautiful view of the clear summer night. Stacks of textbooks, chess boards, and tea mugs littered the chunky tables and the fireplace glowed with a few embers. James stopped and basked in the quiet. He finally felt a little more peaceful.

Something moved in the armchair. A flash of red hair and James' stomach leaped, then immediately sunk after remembering the events of the afternoon. "Evans! What a pleasant surprise."

She didn't even try to mask her disgust. "What are you doing here? Off to hex more people, Potter? Or maybe rub your wealth in their faces?"

James felt like he had been punched, but he expected this. "Evans – Lily, I-"

"Save it," she said.

"Lily." He looked into her eyes, and though they narrowed, she didn't move. James took this as a suggestion to surge forward with his makeshift apology, and took her hand. "I know that was wrong. And I'm sorry about it, I am. But he called you a - a - a _you know what_ , and I couldn't-"

She ripped her hand out of his grasp. "God _damn_ it, James Potter! I am so _sick_ of you!" James blinked. "You say you know that was wrong. Then why do you keep doing it? I know Sev has his faults. _Believe me,_ I know. But that doesn't justify you trying to - what, protect me? My _honour_ _?"_ she gave a sardonic laugh. "Stop trying to make excuses. If you mean it, do it."

She grabbed his shoulders and pulled him close. James couldn't help but shudder. It was possibly the first time she had voluntarily touched him. "And I'm warning you now. Stop asking me to go out with you. I've given you my answer, and you have to respect it." Her voice seemed to have dropped an octave lower. "And the more you disrespect my answer, the more I _hate_ you."

James felt like a stone had dropped into his abdomen. He knew that every word she said was true.

Suddenly, Lily laughed, though it was humourless. "At least we're all going home tomorrow, and I don't have to see your pathetic face until September." She shoved his shoulders away, turned, and went up the girls' dormitory stairs in one fluid movement.

James shuddered involuntarily again, then let out a groan, rubbing his already tousled hair. How was Lily Evans able to give him hell and turn him on at the _same fucking time?_


	2. Still?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily is spending the summer after fifth year at home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 is here! I got bored of studying and wrote it from Lily's perspective :)

Lily lay on the warm, slightly damp grass outside her parents' house, feeling the only bit of peace she had felt since arriving back home two weeks ago.

 _Home._ That word used to fit, but... it didn't anymore. Lily was sixteen now. Still a child by any standards except her own, but her old life had floated so far away from who she was, it was alienating to even be back.

She did love her parents dearly. They had never once made her feel like anything less than their beloved daughter. They asked her about her year and congratulated her on her achievements. She felt comfortable around them, safe, loved even. But she didn't feel like _herself_ , not while watering down the events of her life so it would fit her parents' view, and _especially_ not while her sister sat there, glowering at her from across the table, or not looking at her at all.

Petunia... how to describe her. She loved her sister. Fiercely, when she was younger. They were inseparable, 'joined at the hip' as their parents liked to joke. Though Petunia was a year older, and they looked completely different, they had been like twins. Lily had fought bullies for her sister, stood up for her, and in turn Tuney had wrapped up scraped knees and lied for her. Then the letter came, the fission that sent the sisters sprawling apart, with a chasm of hate between them. And no matter how many times Lily had tried to bridge that gap, it had never worked.

Lily flopped over, smelling the fresh cut grass and feeling anchored, something she had sorely been missing. Her parents were going to work, Tuney was always moping in her room or going out with that fat blond boyfriend of hers, Arnon or Vernie or something. Vernon, that's what it was. He was an absolute waste of space, in Lily's opinion, and she was certain that Petunia was going to marry him and never tell him about her _freak_ of a sister.

Something chirped to Lily's left. Reluctantly, she turned her head to see a big tawny owl perched on her roof at the height of the afternoon. Lily rolled her eyes. She knew that creature, Marlene's owl that she had tried to name anything other than 'Garrot' but had steadfastly refused to answer. Lily raised her hand, and the owl swooped and perched on her forearm. She ripped open the letter tied to it.

_My dearest Evans, Lily,_

_I hope you're dying of boredom at home after you refused to come stay with us for the summer. You do know that nothing ever happens in that boring town of yours, right? Please say you'll at least come for a week or two. I'm thinking of getting Dorcas and Mary and some of the others over, too. Oh, do say you'll come! I'll even invite Potter..._

_Your favourite bother,_

_Marlene xx_

Lily laughed. Though she was sometimes a pain, her best friend was also a saviour. Lily went to her bedroom to tell Marlene that yes, she would absolutely come, if only she wouldn't have to see James Potter's face.

* * *

Lily was lazing on her bed when there was a knocking on the front door. She didn't bother moving, because it was probably that imbecile boyfriend of Petunia's. She was just closing her eyes when she heard indignant squawking from downstairs, and immediately knew who it was. Racing downstairs, she only just happened to prevent her sister from gouging Severus' eyes out.

"Tuney! Tuney, that's just Sev! Petunia, calm down!"

"Him!" her sister pointed an accusatory finger at Severus. She turned back to Lily. "He - and you for that matter - better get out of this house before Vernon arrives. If he finds you here-"

"We'll be gone," Lily snapped, unable to keep the bite out of her voice. "Come on, Sev." she stalked out of the house, fuming.

Severus struggled to keep up. "Lily, it's good to see-"

Lily turned and glared at him, before walking even faster. She was so _sick_ of boys ambushing her and trying to get back into her good books.

Eventually, they reached the park. Lily flopped under the tree. She turned her gaze on Sev. "Well?"

"I... I wanted to see what you were up to. You know, if you wanted to-"

"Severus, I really don't have time for you to pretend that nothing is wrong. Say what you want to say."

Severus sighed. "I wanted to say... I'm sorry. I never meant to call you that word, I'm sorry for hanging around with those people but Lily, you saw what James Potter did. You know how-"

And there it was. In the heart of both boys' apologies, they were still blaming the other. At least James' had been for her, rather than Severus' for himself. "Sev, I-" Hope flared in his eyes at being called his old nickname, but Lily shut it down.

"Severus. Your apology means nothing to me. You may not have meant to call me that, and you may have apologised later, but the fact is that you did call me it. You called me a purist slur, Severus. It doesn't make it better that you never would have called _me_ that. The fact is, you felt comfortable enough wielding that word against anyone who is like me. And don't pull that 'you're not like other Muggleborns', Sev. I am. I am a Muggleborn, and if you're going to call people Mudblood-" Severus flinched, but Lily plunged on. "If you're going to call people Mudblood, you should be prepared to call me that too. And all I heard from that apology was excuses. Excuses for being bullied - and I know what you did to that poor first-year, by the way - excuses for being lonely, being sad. I've tried so hard to be your friend, Severus. But I can't do it anymore."

There were tears glinting in his eyes, and Lily was sure he was going to beg for her forgiveness. Against her better judgement, she leaned forward and kissed his cheek. She was saying goodbye to the sixteen-year-old Severus Snape, she knew that. But she was saying goodbye to others. The Sev who taught her to control her magic, who played with her when she was lonely, who held her hand as they looked up at the stars. The Severus she knew, but also the ones she had known.

She brushed her thumb against his cheek. "Goodbye, Sev."

And as she got up and walked away, she looked back once. And she could have sworn the sadness in his eyes hardened into anger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The goodbye scene between Lily and Sev was hard to write, but it was satisfying. Let me know in the comments if you liked it, and if there was anything you would change! And please leave a kudos if you can :)


	3. On the Platform

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Sirius at the Potter residence. Them being brothers. James finds out that Remus and Lily are the Gryffindor prefects. Some tiptoeing around Wolfstar.

Wind flying past, ruffling his clothes.

Eyes squinted, focusing on the one thing he was after.

He was going to get it, _damn it_ he was going to get it, and-

"Yes!" he yelled as his hand closed around the tiny golden ball. He raised his prize in triumph, not noticing his broom speeding rather dangerously towards the ground.

 _Whumph!_ He tumbled roughly off his broomstick and felt his glasses snap on his nose. Panting, James lay in the grass until he heard Sirius land gracefully. "Wow, Potter. That was truly skill." James could hear the laughter in his best friend's voice. He grabbed his broken glasses and stood up, brushing grass from his jeans.

"Shut up, Padfoot," he muttered crossly before heading back for his house. Sirius followed.

"I'm just saying, for the best seeker Gryffindor has had in twenty years, that was quite a-"

James grabbed him by the collar and pressed him against the house. "I said _shut up_ or I will risk getting expelled to hex you."

Sirius laughed and punched his friend in the bicep. "Yeah, ok. Maybe you should fix those glasses first."

James gave him the finger.

* * *

"Mum!" James bellowed as he stomped the mud out of his shoes. "Mum, I need you to-"

Mrs Potter came bustling into the living room. "James, how many times have I told you to _wash_ your shoes like a civilised human? Look at Sirius." she beamed at her foster son. "He's always so good, so clean."

James scoffed good-naturedly. "Mum, can you fix my glasses, please?"

She ruffled his hair and did the simple spell. "Now, boys, I bet you're wondering when those OWL results are coming in?"

Sirius and James both groaned. "Really? Can we _not?"_

Mrs Potter set two large parchment envelopes in front of her sons. "Now, no matter what happens, I'm very proud of both of you-"

"We got it," Sirius' face was pale as he tore his envelope open. He scanned it, his face lighting up. "Hey! I can take all the NEWT subjects I planned!"

"So can I!" James jumped up and down. Though he loved Quidditch, he couldn't see himself playing professionally at the moment. And with the war going on, he had always aspired to become a resistance fighter. The boys hugged each other.

"We better write to Moony and Wormtail," Sirius said as they headed down the hall, "I bet Moony got all Os. And Peter - well... I'm sure he did well." James hit his best friend in the head.

"Hey, Prongs, I wonder who's Prefect?" Sirius asked, grabbing the envelope from him. He stuck his fingers inside and withdrew another letter. "Oh... no way. It's Moony!"

"What?" James snatched the envelope away and read the letter. "They made _Moony_ Prefect?" In retrospect, it did make sense. Though he had a healthy sense of mischief, Remus was responsible. Most of the teachers had soft spots for him, except _maybe_ McGonagall when she was in a bad mood.

"Who cares!" Sirius was laughing with pure glee. "He's a _Prefect_ now, Prongs. We have access to _everything!_ Wait, who's the girl? Probably Mary, McGonagall has always been fond of her. Or even Dorcas, at a stretch..."

James' face was slack as he stared at the parchment. "Padfoot... _it's Lily."_

* * *

The Hogwarts Express pulled into Platform 9 3/4 at King's Cross exactly at 11 o'clock on the dot. Hundreds of children shuffled about, pushing trolleys piled with trunks, robes, pet cages, and wands. Smoke slowly filled the platform as parents bade their goodbyes. James always enjoyed watching the first-years, excitement alive in their eyes.

"Moony!" Sirius bellowed, barging through the crowds with his trolley. Now that they were sixth years, most of the younger kids scattered around him. The two boys collided, frighting one owl enough that she screeched loudly amidst the chaos.

Sirius stopped still and took a double take as he spotted Remus. He had had a growth spurt, changed from being narrow and gangly to tall and far more muscular. His scars had faded to a soft white and his loose jumper cuffs hung above his wrist. Sirius swallowed, not sure what was going on, and launched himself at Remus.

Once Sirius and Remus had separated, James thumped his friends on the back. "How was the summer after you left? Padfoot and I were getting bored without you."

"Not true," Sirius interjected. "We had a great time. Did you hear the news?"

"What news?" Peter grinned widely the first time he spoke, and all three boys slowly turned to stare at him. The day had finally arrived. Peter Pettigrew's voice had finally broken.

James pretended to wipe away a tear. "Wormtail! My little boy's a man now!" Peter shoved him in the chest, but all the boys tackled him into a hug as he laughed.

Finally, Remus untangled himself. "Ok, Padfoot had some news?"

Sirius grinned. "Well you know it. Moony is Prefect... with none other than Lily Evans!" the boys gasped, then started laughing uproariously in James' face.

"Okay, firstly, shut the fuck up. Secondly, maybe she'll hate me a little less now that..." he trailed off as the steam parted just enough to see her. She was talking to Marlene, leaning on her best friend and swatting her arm as something she said made Lily laugh. James was a little jealous. Lily had never laughed like that at anything he said.

As if she knew, Lily turned to look at him. Their eyes met and James felt his stomach leap into his throat. _You're a Prefect,_ he wanted to tell her. _With one of my best friends. You'll be spending time together without me._ Then her beautiful emerald eyes narrowed at him, and she walked his way. James could feel his friends melting away to watch this unfold at a safer distance.

"Evans," James began tentatively. "How... was your summer?"

Her eyes softened, just a fraction. "Fine. You?"

"It was great." he desperately searched for something to say so she didn't walk away and this conversation, this actual civil conversation they were having didn't end. "So... you're a Prefect."

"Yeah," she said. "Prefect. That's me."

He blurted "The Prefect bathrooms are supposed to be the nicest in the school." _What was that??_ he wanted to scream at himself. _Why did that sound so suggestive?_

But Lily laughed.

She laughed at his sexual joke.

James couldn't begin to describe the relief that flooded him when she said "Bathrooms, huh? Well, there's the train compartment too. And we have to help the first years find their way to the common room."

"With Remus," he said without thinking.

She turned to look at him slowly. "Yes. With Remus."

Jealousy was not an emotion that James Potter felt often, but it was bubbling in his abdomen now. "See you around, Evans."

She rolled her eyes at him, but was that a hint of endearment there? "Yes, see you around."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 done! I hope you liked it, and the next chapter will be about what went on on the Hogwarts Express ;)  
> Stay tuned and please leave comments and kudos if you enjoyed this!


	4. Compartments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angsty times on the Hogwarts Express. Wolfstar!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning - internalised homophobia is discussed. I thought it would be important to address the very real issues that would have been going on, especially since the wizarding world itself is quite bigoted. Please feel free to skip if this is something that distresses you.

The platform was a cacophony of train whistles, yells goodbye, and the screech of owls. Promises to write were made, before the black train finally pulled out of the station. James, his face red after just having it squeezed by his mother, bustled his friends into the compartment, before hovering nervously in the centre.

"Prongs, you want to catch Lily before she has Prefect duty, don't you?" Sirius had his head smacked, but he was right. James left the compartment.

As the train continued into the first few minutes of the journey, the three boys spent some time shuffling their trunks so they all fit comfortably. Peter's trunk had to be hoisted onto the seat, with Peter next to it, taking up a whole bench. Sirius and Remus crowded on the other one.

Sirius tried not to be too aware of Remus' body pressed against his. "When's the food coming? I'm fucking starving," he drawled, trying to regain some sense of normalcy. Remus shifted and coughed uncomfortably.

Peter smiled, blissfully unaware. "Calm down mate, we're only ten minutes into the journey."

Sirius scratched his neck. Despite spending all summer with the git, he sorely missed James' ability to remove all tension by coming up with some plot or gossiping about Lily Evans.

"So, Moony, how was your summer? How were the full moons?" Peter continued.

"They were fine," Remus said shortly, straining to mash himself against the wall in an effort to not touch Sirius.

The compartment door was suddenly flung open, and Sirius found himself thanking whatever power that had sent a distraction, no matter who it was. Luckily, it was the open, friendly face of Marlene McKinnon. "Hi boys!"

"Marlene!" Peter exclaimed, going to hug her. She obliged, then looked around.

"Well? This looks like a very sad party. Peter, want to join us?"

"What?" Remus interjected. "What about - what about us?"

"Sorry," she said, not looking sorry at all. "But Peter's the smallest, and we've already got Mary and Dorcas in my compartment. Lily's floating off somewhere. Peter, coming?"

Peter frowned. "Actually, I'm-"

She grinned and grabbed Peter's arm. "Peter's coming! Lovely. Dorcas found a rare Chocolate frog card and she'll give it to you if you hurry up."

Peter stumbled out, a little confused but not one to argue with that kind of prize.

Before Sirius could interject, they were both gone. It was just him and Remus. Remus and him, him and Remus.

For the first time in almost a month, Remus stared right at him, and Sirius felt something in his abdomen condense in nervousness. "Moony."

"Pads," Remus said softly.

They locked eyes. Sirius looked into Remus' amber ones and groaned. "Moony-"

With a growl that started at the back of his throat, Remus took Sirius' shoulders and pinned them against the back wall of the compartment. His lips were on Sirius'. They were kissing.

Kissing.

He, Sirius Black, was kissing Remus Lupin. And enjoying it.

Remus' tongue swept through the barrier of their lips. Sirius felt something, something pressing against his hip from the other boy's body. Something went warm and liquid inside him at that realisation.

Sirius moaned into his mouth, burying his hands in Remus' sandy hair, wanting more. _More more more more-_

They both surfaced for air. Panting hard, Sirius looked over at his friend, then froze in horror.

Peter was standing in the doorway.

"Guys, what - what are you doing?" his voice was high again.

Sirius burned with shame. He couldn't believe he had just done that. He had just kissed his friend and liked it. What kind of person did that? What kind of person-

what kind of person was _he?_

 _Disgusting,_ Walburga Black's voice sounded in his head. _Unnatural. Not only another boy, but a werewolf of all things._

 _Just another thing to make you different,_ the voice continued, but Sirius recognised it as no longer his mother's, but his own.

"Nothing," he rasped at Peter, who was still frozen in the doorway. He got up and grabbed the smaller boy's collar. "Heard me, Peter? You saw _nothing."_

And without a second look at the boy whose heart he possibly just broke, Sirius strode out the door, holding the cracked pieces of his own.

* * *

James roamed the hallways, looking for Lily.

He found her friends in one, but they told him that she was gone to change into her robes. Rather suggestively. James had been close to punching Dorcas in the mouth, but they were friendly like that.

Eventually, he gave up and went back to the compartment. Peter was the only one there, looking rather shellshocked. James frowned.

"Wormtail? Are you alright?"

Peter shook his head, then quickly nodded. "I'm fine. I didn't see anything strange. I - I didn't actually see _anything_ , full stop. I-"

 _"Wormy,"_ James said firmly. "Do you want to tell me what's going on?" he sat down next to his friend.

"Not - not really," Peter squeaked, and James sighed. He knew when not to push. He would get it out of the smaller boy later.

* * *

Remus made his way to the Prefects' compartment, clad in his robes and his resplendent new badge shining on his chest.

Sirius - he and Sirius had shared a moment - a _perfect_ kiss, something he hadn't known he had wanted since he was fourteen. And he had got it.

He had seen the disgust on Padfoot's face after they had separated. Disgust for himself, possibly, but also disgust for Remus. That had broken his heart. Remus knew this made him even more different. He was a werewolf, a half-breed, something despised by most of the wizarding world. And now he liked men. He didn't know if he liked girls, too, but he hadn't had feelings for anyone but his friend since Sirius caught his eye in a different way in the fourth year.

Remus entered the compartment and sat next to Evans. Unlike James, Lily understood Remus, and they were even friendly. Remus had seen James' face twist in envy when he knew they were both Prefects. Remus wished he could reassure his friend exactly how little he had to worry about.

"Hi, Lupin," Lily said, nudging her shoulder to his. "Why so down?"

Remus sighed. "I'm fine. Thanks."

They were given their assignments by the Head Girl and Boy, and Lily and Remus were sent to the back of the train, where the older kids were. Remus was not looking forward to telling off surly seventh-years at all.

* * *

Two hours later, night had completely fallen and the train was nearing Hogwarts. Remus was still checking the trunk transportations (something he had barely considered when he was not a Prefect) and Lily was coordinating coaches.

Remus walked towards one of the hidden doors at the back of the train used to funnel out the trunks when he tripped on a badly placed chess set. He fell into a set of doors, into what he first thought was an empty compartment. Brushing himself off, he turned around stopped dead.

A boy and a girl. Perfectly framed by the window, silhouetted by the sunset over the gorgeous countryside. Making out, quite graphically. The girl's skirt was missing, and the boy was shirtless.

Marlene McKinnon. And Sirius Black.

Remus felt like he had been physically punched in the diaphragm. His breath wouldn't come, and he feared he might buckle to his knees. He couldn't move. He couldn't-

They noticed him. Marlene smiled sheepishly and tucked her hair behind her ears. "Um, sorry, Remus-" then she seemed to notice this wasn't at all about her.

Remus stared at Sirius. He could feel the pieces of his heart shattering further. Something cracked behind Sirius' grey eyes. "Moony-"

"No," Remus' voice sounded like gravel, "never again."

And before he could start crying, he marched out of there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4 is done! I cannot believe I've written four chapters in less than 24 hours. Anyway, I hope you liked it! Please leave comments below about anything and give kudos if you enjoyed it. The next update will probably be too soon. :)


	5. Amortentia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sixth-years choose their NEWT subjects, and there is a particular bit of gossip going around. Jily brew Amortentia.

Lily Evans woke up with her face drenched in icy water.

"Wake _up_ , idiot," Marlene hissed at her. "It's the first day of school, and you're already late. _And_ you're Prefect."

Panic shot through Lily as she struggled out of her twisted bedsheets. She threw her trunk open and chucked books over her shoulder, searching for her robes. "You really needed to throw water on me, didn't you?"

Marlene grinned. "Absolutely right. Mary grabbed some toast for you, by the way." she set a plate of bread with some strawberry jam on the dresser. "Go get dressed."

Lily headed to the bathroom to wash her face. She emerged, dressed in her summer robes and Gryffindor tie. "Marlene! Where's my badge?"

Marlene tossed it to her as Lily stuffed a triangle of toast into her face. "We have to choose subjects first, right?"

"Right. To the Great Hall."

* * *

Lily and Marlene squeezed into the seats reserved by their friends. "Thanks for the toast, Mary, you're a darling."

Professor McGonagall walked up and down the Gryffindor table. "Students! To choose your NEWT subjects, you must refer to your OWL results and see if you can take the course. If anyone has any questions about the requirements of a particular subject, the teachers are sitting at the head table. Any other questions can come to me."

Lily looked at the slip of parchment she was to write her subject list on. "Got a spare quill, Dorcas?" As Dorcas rummaged through her bag, Lily looked around at the other Gryffindor sixth-years. Kingsley Shacklebolt was already finished with his list. Lily had no doubt he had gotten all Outstandings. Lily's passions herself were Charms and Potions, both of which she had gotten Outstandings in, as well as Herbology, Astronomy, DADA, and Transfiguration. Everything else, she achieved an EE.

Marlene finished as Lily did, and propped her feet up on the bench. "So, I have to tell you something weird," she started, and Lily's attention was instantly piqued.

"What is it?" Lily narrowed her eyes as she finished writing her name on the parchment. "What did you do?"

"Calm down, it isn't _that_ bad," Marlene giggled. "On the train, I went to get dressed?"

"Yes...?" Lily was suspicious.

"Well, I - I _might_ have snogged Sirius Black."

"What? _Marlene!"_ Lily whipped around to look at her best friend. _"Sirius Black?_ But _why?"_

"I don't know!" Marlene sighed, then grinned cheekily. "It was really good, though a little sudden, if I'm being honest." Lily whacked her. "What? It was. But - that wasn't the weird part."

"Oh, really?" Lily demanded. "The fact that you just _kissed Sirius Black_ on the Hogwarts Express is not the weird part?"

"No," Marlene said, her face going serious. "We were snogging - _more_ than snogging, if I'm being honest - but then Lupin walked in."

"Remus?"

"No, that other Lupin we know. Yes, of course it was Remus, you dimwit. Anyway, he stumbled in, I think he tripped on something, and then he spotted us. And what was _really_ strange was that instead of being embarrassed or even happy that his friend was getting some - ow, stop hitting me - he looked really hurt."

Lily frowned. "What? Why would he be hurt?"

"I don't know," Marlene confessed. "I thought that maybe he liked me and was upset his friend was snogging me, but I don't think that was it. He was only looking at Sirius. It looked like more than just annoyance that his friend was kissing a girl he fancied. He looked - he looked like his heart was being broken."

Lily snorted. "Er, I think you're reading too much into a look."

"I'm serious!" Marlene insisted. "It seemed like he was just betrayed, deeply. Don't look now, but watch the Marauders. Can't you tell?"

Lily looked over at the four boys. Potter was talking animatedly - of course he was, when did that boy _ever_ shut his mouth - and Pettigrew was looking pained over his subject choices. But while Sirius Black was nodding along with James, she noticed that he wasn't really talking, which was just as rare. And as for Remus, he had his hands folded tightly on his lap and was staring at nothing. He did look pale, and Lily could believe he was heartbroken.

"Okay, I see it, but why would Sirius kissing you upset him so much?"

"I have absolutely no idea," Marlene sighed dramatically. "But we're going to find out."

* * *

The sixth-years who had chosen Advanced Potions arrived at the dungeons two hours later. Clutching her copy of _Advanced Potion-Making_ , Lily made her way into a seat near the front. Professor Slughorn waved them into their desks.

Lily looked around. From Gryffindor, all the boys except Peter were there (Lily could tell James and Sirius were only taking the class to become Aurors), and Marlene was with her. Severus was seated near her, along with Mulciber and Avery, both of whom made Lily shudder.

Severus caught Lily's eye, as he so often tried to do. This time, though, he sneered at her. She looked away, feeling stung, but also partly like she deserved it. She had told him to sod off over the summer.

"What a turnout," Slughorn continued, breathing hard. He spotted her. "Lily Evans! How wonderful to see you." Lily smiled. Though he could sometimes be irritating, Slughorn was a sweetheart. "I'm sure you're all wondering what fabulous potions are in store for you these next two years. Today, however, we will be making a very special potion I have sitting on my desk in front of me... yes! Miss Evans."

"It's Amortentia, Professor," Lily explained. "It's the most powerful love potion there is, and it smells like whatever attracts someone."

"Excellent!" Professor Slughorn exclaimed jovially. "Smartest witch of your age, Miss Evans. Have ten points for Gryffindor." Lily could see Severus snarl in her peripheral vision, but ignored him. "So, today you will all be brewing Amortentia! Please turn to page 110. Since the ingredients are rare, you will all be working in pairs-" people instantly jumped for their best friends "which I will be assigning you."

"Black and Avery!" They both glared at each other and reluctantly pushed their chairs together. "Shacklebolt and Snape!" Lily felt a bit relieved she wouldn't be sharing a desk with Severus, but that quickly changed with his next words. "Evans and Potter!" Lily groaned inwardly. She had to brew _Amortentia_ with _James Potter?_ What cruel, twisted universe was this?

She expected Potter to make a joke immediately, but he looked apologetic. "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't - I swear I didn't ask him to change the groups."

A small part of Lily's heart softened. "It's alright. At least I'm not with the likes of Mulciber." She shot a sympathetic glance to Marlene, who was.

James grinned and pushed his floppy hair out of his eyes, and Lily's heart jumped a little. She immediately blushed, mortified. _What was that?_ she screamed at herself.

"So... I'm hoping you know what you're doing, because I definitely don't," James tried, his heart hammering. He was terrified of screwing this up. He was partners with Lily Evans, an opportunity to spend one-on-one time with her, as Sirius did not let him forget with several suggestive eyebrows.

She huffed. "Typical." James' heart sank. She pulled her heavy book towards her, flipping to the correct page. "Can you get the powdered Bicorn horn?"

An hour later, the dungeon was filled with aromatic scents (and some truly terrible ones. James didn't want to know _what_ Sirius and Avery were doing.) James smelled their cauldron. He couldn't smell anything.

He was slightly annoyed at Lily. She had spent the whole class insinuating he didn't belong in this Advanced class. While he privately agreed, it was rude of her to just _say_ so. So he had irritated her by pretending to be incompetent (though he hadn't actually messed with the potion.)

"I can't smell a thing," he complained. "Whatever you did, it didn't work."

"I'm sure this is right!" Lily rubbed her eyes. "You must have screwed it up somehow. Maybe love just doesn't work in your presence."

James was stung. "Well, maybe I would actually be able to smell something if you weren't drenched in that soap smell."

Lily narrowed her eyes. "If you hadn't doused yourself in cologne, maybe we would _both_ be able to smell something."

"I don't know what you're smelling, but I didn't even _use_ cologne this morning," James spat.

"And I didn't take a bath," Lily snapped.

They glared at each other, then in the silence of the dungeon realised they had been louder than initially intended.

"Well, well, well!" Professor Slughorn boomed, walking up to their table. "Let's examine this potion, shall we?" he stirred and sniffed, then beamed. "Look at the two of you! A flawless Amortentia potion, though by the sounds of your little squabble I didn't need to check it at all!"

Lily turned utterly red. Her Amortentia smelled like James Potter's musky scent, and now the whole class knew.

James' heart leapt. It was predictable that his would resemble her rosy soap, but hers smelled like him. _She was attracted to him. She, Lily Evans, was attracted to him._

James looked into his lap, trying with all his might to fight his smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5 done! I hope you liked it, and stay tuned to find out developments in both relationships. If there are any suggestions for future chapters, please leave them in the comments below (along with anything else.) If you liked it, give kudos please :)


	6. Full Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the full moon. Wolfstar angst. Remus and Lily become better friends. Snape plots revenge.

It was the full moon tomorrow, and Remus had never been more miserable.

He had been in pain all day, his muscles and bones already beginning to tear themselves apart in preparation for his shift. His senses had kicked into high alert, so every breath, smell, and footstep drove him crazy. At lunch he had the rarest steak he could find and spent the rest of the break in a classroom, his head buried in a pillow.

Now he lay on his bed, a soundproof spell keeping him cushioned, his body aching. His friends were studying or up to something, he didn't know. He didn't know if Sirius was coming tomorrow, either. Remus ached for Padfoot's familiar scent, but he wasn't here now.

Of course he wasn't here now.

A stab of pain went through Remus' chest when he remembered what had happened on the train. He knew there was something between him and Sirius. Sirius knew it too. But the crumpling in his chest, the betrayal, he didn't know if he would ever heal from that. His heart ached.

Remus shifted around and realised he wouldn't fall asleep for a while. He ripped his hangings open and hauled himself out of the bed, groaning. Peter was sitting at a desk, and James had a quill between his teeth and was frowning at a scroll of parchment. He had no idea where Sirius was. They both looked up as he staggered across the room.

"Moony! Are you alright?" James asked, concerned. Remus nodded, then signalled for them to leave him alone. He stumbled down the stairs and into the Gryffindor Common Room, where a first-year hastily vacated an armchair to make room for the Prefect. Lily was curled up in an adjacent chair, reading from a thick textbook balanced on her thighs and a hot pack cradled to her abdomen.

She nodded to him. "Hey, Remus."

Remus managed to smile wanly. "Hi, Evans."

She raised her eyebrow. "That time of the month, eh?" It was their joke. Lily had found out he was a werewolf in the fourth year, thanks to her excessive reading, and she had never given him grief about it.

He nodded. "You too?"

She scoffed. "I think we should murder whoever decided that the full moon and periods were things."

"And we should crown whoever invented chocolate," Remus agreed, digging a bar of his favourite Honeydukes flavour out of his pocket. "Want some?"

Lily held out her hand and Remus dropped two squares of the decadent peppermint chocolate into her palm. "Cheers," he mumbled, his mouth full. Immediately, he felt better.

"I think Honeydukes will be responsible for us passing the NEWTs alone," Lily groaned, shifting in her seat. Remus chuckled.

* * *

"Padfoot? Come on," James whispered. Remus was sitting up on his bed, looking like he was in immense pain. Sirius immediately shot up.

"Are we going now?" he asked. James nodded. The three boys supported Remus out of Gryffindor Tower, to their passageway to the Shack, where the three of them shifted in front of the Whomping Willow. Peter as a rat ran forward first to immobilise the tree, then the other three followed.

Once in the shack, Remus lay down on the ratty old mattress that they had put in the middle of the floor. The stag, dog, and rat stood around him, monitoring him. Remus' bones elongated, stretching, and claws jutted out of the soft flesh of his fingers. He moaned in pain, envying at his friends' quick and graceful transformations. The vertebrae of his spine burst apart, knitting into a longer structure. His muscles stretched, his eyeballs expanded, his entire skull ground into a different shape. Jagged, sharp teeth burst out of his tender gums. He was vaguely aware he was crying. The wolf inside him was emerging.

Wormtail got out of the way, as he usually did in the beginning stages. Prongs pawed the ground and levelled his growing antlers at the werewolf. The wolf roared, but Padfoot leapt on him and clamped his jaws around his throat. Remus growled and flung him off. Padfoot hit the wall and whined in pain, his tongue hanging out of his mouth. If he was being honest, though, this was the best he'd felt since kissing Remus. He needed this animalistic fight.

Prongs charged at Moony, knocking him over. Moony leapt back up and roared. Padfoot snarled, his hackles rising, and pounced on his friend, clawing at his snout. The werewolf thrashed around and slammed Sirius against the wall.

Prongs looked confused. He was used to the fighting, but it seemed more personal this time. Padfoot panted and stared at him clearly, as if to say _stay out of this._

Padfoot bit the wolf's hind leg, tasting his friend's blood. It awoke a bloodlust in him. Moony roared in pain and swung around, gashing deep into Padfoot's vulnerable belly. The dog whined, almost against his will.

The werewolf clamped his huge canines around Padfoot's throat and bit down hard. Padfoot kicked his legs, claws extended. The pain was unimaginable, but cleansing. He was confused by his feelings for Remus, his jealousy, his fear. This he could understand. This was life or death, and he was going to win.

With a Herculean effort, he dislodged Moony's jaws and swiped at him. Blood was leaking through his bared teeth, and his belly and throat were bleeding everywhere, but he felt _alive_. Padfoot snarled, then pounced.

* * *

Severus Snape did not consider himself a selfish person. He had had _nothing_ growing up, absolutely nothing, except _her_. Lily Evans. The light of his life.

Until she had turned against him. Yelled at him, called him stupid and purist and entitled. She hated him. She wanted nothing to do with him.

His hurt curdled to anger. It wasn't her he was angry at, but _him_. James Potter. The bane of his existence. The popular jock who ruffled his stupid hair and flashed his money and showed off and bullied and humiliated him. It was his fault. His fault she hated him.

He had seen what had happened in Potions. Potions was the one thing Severus was good at, and now it was spoiled. Spoiled by James Potter, who by the luck of the universe was paired with Lily, and they had been brewing _Amortentia._ Of course they had. Severus' had smelled the same as always, the beautiful scent of rose and fresh grass clippings and soft breeze. And she smelled _him_.

She was attracted to _him._ She fancied _him._ _He,_ who had constantly humiliated her by asking her out, by objectifying her, by disrespecting her. And she liked _him,_ more than Severus.

She had chosen James Potter, because he had looks, money, and popularity. And yes, she had told him other reasons. That she hated Severus' friends, his language, his ideas, but all that was secondary. She hated him, and she liked Potter.

The nice guy finished last.

Severus' fists curled in his sheets. He knew where they probably were now. He knew Lupin was a werewolf, anyone could have figured that out. Black had told him about going into the Whomping Willow. _The problem with those boys,_ Severus thought, _is that they think they are invincible. Maybe it's time to change that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long for an update! I was really busy with schoolwork :'( I hope you liked the recent developments, and please leave kudos if you enjoyed it! If there are any requests or ideas please feel free to leave that below too :) thanks!


	7. Revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snape decides to take revenge. Marlene wants to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - some semi-mature content.

Severus Snape crept into the Slytherin Common Room. The soft greenish light danced over his face as he exited it and padded along the dark, silent passages of Hogwarts. It seemed like even the ever-present portraits were sleeping.

Severus made his way over to the Whomping Willow. Clouds were roiling unpleasantly in the sky, and wind was whipping through his hair. Despite it being late September, he pulled his cloak around him. The Willow stood deceptively still, but Severus knew how to stop it. He pulled out his wand and immobilised the tree with a spell he had been working on. Triumphant that it had worked, he hurried to the base of the tree and slipped inside.

* * *

The metallic tang of blood filled the air. Padfoot snarled at the werewolf, who growled back. The two circled each other, both limping, hackles raised. Wormtail was nowhere to be seen, and Prongs was standing as still as a deer caught in headlights. Well, he was a deer.

Suddenly Prongs perked his head to the side. He had heard something. As a deer, his hearing was much better than as a human. And even though Padfoot and the wolf's were arguably better, they were too focused on their fight. Prongs trotted to the Whomping Willow exit when he heard it, much clearer. Footsteps.

Both Padfoot and Moony were turned to the entrance now. Moony had started to growl, low and dangerous in his throat. Padfoot prepared to pounce on him, not to fight him, but to keep him from harming the invader. Prongs poked his head down the passage.

Moony growled louder, so loud it almost seemed to make the room rumble. Padfoot was worried now. Clearly their fight hadn't been enough to calm the wolf down, and whoever that stupid git was, they were about to get mauled by an angry werewolf.

A wand appeared first, followed by an unfortunately familiar face and greasy hair. James wanted to laugh. It was _Severus Snape_ who was here. James wondered if he wanted to expose them for rule-breaking.

Padfoot started barking loudly. To warn, yes, but also in anger. Snape looked at the towering werewolf, and all his resolve seemed to melt. Clearly, he had no idea what one would look like in real life.

For a couple of heart-stopping moments, Moony panted and stared. Then he growled again, opened his mouth, and _roared_.

Snape whimpered and turned around as if trying to run, but the fool tripped on his robe. Padfoot leapt onto the wolf in an effort to keep him from disembowelling Snape, but Moony wasn't looking to fight. He shook Sirius off easily and bounded after the Slytherin.

 _"Stupefy!"_ Snape screamed, flinging the spell over his shoulder, but Moony dodged it, roaring louder. Sirius and James knew they couldn't let him get outside. He would wake the entire castle and could hurt creatures in the Forbidden Forest.

Prongs grabbed the back of Snape's robes and flung him onto his back. The terrified boy didn't argue, just grabbed onto Prongs' neck as he cantered out of there. He could hear Remus howl in pain as Sirius clamped his jaws around his throat.

* * *

Prongs didn't stop galloping until they had reached the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest. Hagrid's hut was near, the lights off, but the full moon illuminated the grounds, so there was no need. Prongs shrugged Snape off his back and shifted back into his human self.

Snape stayed sitting on the ground, shaking and pulling his cloak tighter around himself. He didn't look up.

"Alright," James said. "What the _hell_ was that, Snape?"

At the name, Snape's jaw tightened and he looked up. "The three of you are unregistered Animagi. Lupin is a _werewolf,_ and _I'm_ the one who should be blamed?"

"We have a _system!"_ James yelled. "A system that works! Remus is contained by us, and we take care of him. Are you fucking stupid? What were you even thinking?"

"You don't know everything, Potter." Snape snarled. "Just because you're an _Animagi_ , and you're trying to _protect_ your friend, and Lily's Amortentia smells like you-" he stopped short, realising his mistake.

James looked at him. _"Lily's Amortentia?_ What has Lily's Amortentia got to do with this? What has _she_ got to do with this?"

Snape scowled, but remained silent. James stared, his brain catching up. His eyes widened.

"Ohhh," he breathed. "You like her. You like Lily. _That's_ what this is about." He started laughing. "You like Lily! And - and you called her a you-know-what, and she hates you now! And you're _jealous!_ Because she told your bigoted self to piss off!"

"I am not _jealous_ of you!" Snape shouted, his voice shaking with rage. "Shut up, Potter!"

James laughed even harder. "Yes, you are! That's why you came here! To expose us! You wanted _revenge!"_

Snape pulled out his wand. "Shut up or I'll make you."

James snorted, wiping his eyes. "What? You'll hex me? In case you're forgetting, Snape, I just saved your sorry arse from getting mauled by a werewolf, so I'd show some gratitude, if I were you."

"I'll show you gratitude when hell freezes over," Snape spat and turned on his heel back to the castle. Before he could get very far, James grabbed the back of his robes, turned him around, and glared at him.

"And if you even _think_ of revealing our secret, you'll think again. Because like it or not, your stupid actions led to you being in my debt for your life. And unless you save mine anytime soon, you won't open your mouth." Snape expected to be thrown to the ground, but James simply let go of his collar. "Now get lost." Snape didn't have to be told twice.

* * *

Sirius woke up the next day by ripping open his stomach wound. He was in tremendous pain. His abdomen, thighs, forearms, and throat had all been injured, and it was only thanks to James and Peter's clumsy healing that he wasn't currently bleeding out. Remus was all safe and cushioned in the hospital wing, but Sirius had to make do.

With a tremendous groan, he hauled himself out of bed, before dropping to the floor. Kingsley Shacklebolt looked at him, slightly concerned. "Do you need help with-" he gestured "that?"

Sirius knew that any magic his friends could do, Shacklebolt could undeniably do better. He nodded mutely, then closed his eyes as he set to work. A couple minutes later, Shacklebolt nodded, accepted Sirius' murmured thanks, and exited the room.

He found he could stand up now, so he did. James and Peter were probably in the hospital wing with Remus, but that was the last place Sirius wanted to be. He headed down the stairs to the Common Room, thankful beyond measure that it was a Saturday and there were no classes.

Sirius had just settled down on an armchair in the busy Common Room when the door to the girls' dormitories burst open and none other than Marlene McKinnon burst out, balancing textbooks, scrolls of parchments, and quills. She caught his eye, as she usually did. She had been catching his eye far too often for Sirius' liking since that day on the train.

He made to get out of his seat, but she waved him down and plopped into the recently vacated chair next to him. "How're you doing?"

He shrugged. "I'm fine."

She wriggled around, dumping her books on the low table in front of them and tucking her legs underneath her. "So, I wanted to talk to you about something."

Sirius immediately knew he did _not_ want to have this conversation. "Sorry, Marlene, I'm sorta busy-" but she cut him off.

"That day - on the train - when we - _you know_ ," she started. "It was fun. Really fun, actually."

Sirius inclined to agree, if only what had happened after hadn't. "I wanted to talk to you about - Remus. He walked into the compartment, and you stopped, and - well, you raced out of there after that. I just wanted to say, if there's anything between you two, I don't want to come in the middle of that. I don't-"

Sirius turned to look at her, panic rising in his chest. "Something going on between me and Remus? Why would you say that?"

Marlene blinked, confused. "I - I just thought - the way you reacted, and he reacted-"

Sirius tried to calm his heart hammering in his chest. She had noticed. She had noticed, and if she had, then maybe James had, and Peter, and the whole Gryffindor house, and the school, and Dumbledore's arse- "What are you saying? What do you think I _am?"_

Marlene's eyebrows shot up as she hastily backtracked. "Nothing! I don't think anything. Forget I said anything. There's nothing going on between you and Remus."

"There is _nothing_ ," Sirius enunciated loudly, attracting the attention of a couple of fourth-years nearby.

"Right," Marlene muttered, grabbing her things and going out the portrait hole.

Sirius was left at his chair, breathing slowly. She had guessed. He knew she wasn't convinced by his foolish mutterings. He needed to do something to prove it to her, to make sure she didn't tell Lily, and Dorcas and Mary and her other friends. He got up and walked out of the portrait hole after her.

* * *

Unfolding the Marauder's Map, Sirius located her and followed her to where she was, a secluded corridor. She looked up as he arrived. "What're you doing here?"

He paused and bit the inside of his cheek, hard. "I was looking for you."

Her eyebrows went up. "You were? What for?"

Bracing himself, he leaned in and kissed her. It was a good kiss, but it had none of the fire of Remus. Why was he thinking of Remus?

She angled her mouth over his and moaned into it, and he lost himself in the feeling of holding, being held. He needed to do more. Cupping his head, she started walking backwards, taking him with her. They stumbled into an abandoned classroom, and Sirius pointed his wand at the door and muttered "Colloportus."

Marlene kicked off her shoes and slipped off her outer robes before kissing him again. Sirius pinned her against the wall and she wrapped her legs around his waist.

She trailed butterfly kisses down his jawline, settling on his neck. He felt himself harden and kissed her with renewed vigour, shucking his robe off his shoulders.

She unbuttoned his shirt clumsily while he slid his hands up hers. He didn't really know what to do. What was he doing here? Why was he doing this?

 _This is what you want,_ he reminded himself. _You want this. You want her._

Sirius knew what was coming. Was he really doing this?

"Do it," Marlene whispered, shifting beneath him on the wall. So he did.

* * *

After, they both dressed and sat on the floor, catching their breath. Neither of them had done it before. Neither of them had pictured that as their first time. Marlene leaned against him, and Sirius had to stop himself from shrinking from her touch.

"That was - wow," she breathed.

Sirius chewed his lip. "Er, I'd better go," he said, getting up. She looked a little disappointed, but he needed to be alone.

He tore down the castle walls, past friends laughing and portraits chatting. He envied all of them. They were so _normal._ They didn't have to worry about being in love with their best friend.

Was he supposed to have liked that? _Marlene_ had certainly liked it, if her reactions were anything to believe. Weren't boys supposed to like it more than girls? How had she liked it more than him? He felt sick. He needed air.

Sirius hurried outside and lay down on the grass near the lake.

What had he just done? He had used Marlene, he had betrayed himself, he had betrayed _Remus._

 _Remus is not who you want,_ he reminded himself. _You want girls. You want Marlene. You're normal._

Sirius rolled over and stared at his reflection in the glassy black lake. He looked haggard and pale. He felt like vomiting.

 _What are you doing?_ he screamed at himself. His head pounded. He wanted to fall into the lake and never come out.

He felt emptier than he ever had in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's chapter seven! I hope you liked it! Stay tuned to see the next developments in the story! Please leave kudos and comments if you enjoyed it :)


	8. Quidditch Trials

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily realises she's more interested in James than she'd like to think, and she's perplexed by his behaviour. A shocking development happens in the outside world.

Lily sat at the stands, watching people whip around on brooms.

It was the Gryffindor Quidditch trials, and the air had just started to get a nip to it. Lily nursed a flagon of pumpkin juice between her hands and kept her blazer on, unlike the summery months. She was here to support Marlene, who was a regular on the team but still had to try out. Of course, James Potter was the Captain. She rolled her eyes.

Remus joined her, limping slightly. He settled himself in the seat and sighed. "Hey, Evans."

She nudged him with her shoulder. "How are you doing?"

"Transfiguration is _killing_ me," Remus said, knowing that wasn't what she had been asking about but not wanting to talk about it.

Lily knew enough not to push. "Same," she groaned, leaning her head on his shoulder. "McGonagall keeps giving more and more homework and I'm so done with it. I should be writing an essay right now."

Remus chuckled and dug into his bag, producing rolls of parchment, quills, and inkwells. "Can't hurt to start, can it? Pour me some pumpkin juice."

Lily groaned in protest, but they got started. Remus was quickly becoming her good friend. The smell of fresh parchment and the taste of pumpkin juice and the sound of scratching quills and the feel of a gentle breeze wasn't the worst way to spend a Sunday afternoon. Every so often, they would look up and cheer on their friends.

Eventually, the players all landed. Lily and Remus packed up their now nearly completed essays and walked down to join the athletes. James was addressing the small cluster and didn't notice the Prefects.

"Excellent job today! Thank you all for coming," James smiled, especially at the younger kids. "Everyone showed great potential. I already know this is going to be a hard decision. If you don't make it, don't be disappointed. Keep working at it and I'm sure we'll see you in the team next year. Thanks again for coming!"

The small crowd started to disperse, but Marlene lingered near James. "I'm still rather upset they gave you Captain and not me," she joked.

"You have Charms Club and Dueling Club and a thousand other things!" James protested. "I hardly think it's fair to blame me." He stripped off his shirt, and Lily's eyes bugged. She was _not_ expecting that. She knew that James Potter was in shape, but _wow._ She hadn't thought he was _that_ in shape.

Remus turned to her, smirking, and she quickly averted her eyes. "What?"

Remus laughed. "You know what."

James pulled a clean shirt over his head and turned around, his eyes falling on Lily. She braced herself for the lewd comments, but none came. He turned red and had the audacity to look embarrassed. "Moony! What's up?"

"Bye, Lily," Remus patted her on her shoulder and left. Lily was left standing there in shock. What had just happened?

Marlene joined her. "What are you doing?"

Lily turned to her and grabbed her shoulders. "James Potter," she said. Marlene frowned.

"James Potter has been trying to get me to go out with him since the third year. Now he knows I... well. I... like him. I mean - I didn't - _anyway_. Now, he changes in front of me without knowing I'm there, and doesn't even gloat about it! What is going on?"

Marlene smirked. "Well, in all fairness, he changed in front of the whole stadium. And anyway, isn't this what you wanted? You told him to stop being obnoxious, and now he has! Why are you complaining? Unless, well, you liked the attention..."

"Shut up," Lily scowled, whacking her best friend with her bag. "Let's go, you stink. The showers are waiting."

The two girls made their way back up to Gryffindor tower.

* * *

James sat at the breakfast table, helping himself to kippers and toast. "Where's the ketchup?"

"No. I absolutely refuse to let you ruin perfectly good kippers with ketchup," Remus said.

James pouted, but poured himself some orange juice instead. Just as he did so, a flurry of owls burst into the Great Hall. Despite living here for six years, James had still never gotten used to the owls. An owl dropped a newspaper on his table.

Sirius snatched it and opened the issue of the Daily Prophet while James mopped up the spilt orange juice and Peter put a Knut into the owl's pouch.

"Prongs..." Sirius' face was white. "It's the Death Eaters."

All four boys turned towards Sirius. "They tried to break into Gringotts," Sirius said, his eyes flicking rapidly over the page. "Killed several goblins and witches. Injured more."

 _"Gringotts?"_ Peter asked. "Whatever for?"

"What do you think, Peter?" Remus snapped. "Don't be daft. They need to fund their - _endeavours_ somehow."

They all sat in silence, and James felt his breakfast solidifying at the bottom of his stomach. He pushed his plate of kippers and toast away. "I'm... going to go to the field before classes." None of the other boys answered.

James walked out of the Great Hall and went to get his broom. Climbing on, he rushed up and felt himself relax. Up here, he felt in control. He felt free.

* * *

"Lil... I need to tell you something."

Lily chewed the end of her quill, slaving away over Charms homework in the library. She flung it down, checked if Madam Pince was nearby, and propped her feet up on the table. She would take any break she could get. "Please say it's interesting."

Marlene seemed to be trying very hard not to break into a smile. "I... shagged... Sirius Black."

Lily's loud gasp was ended by Marlene's hand over her mouth. "Shut up! You'll get Madam Pince here and then we'll be thrown out!"

Lily's eyes bugged. _"When?_ Why didn't you _tell_ me?"

"I'm telling you now!" Marlene exclaimed, and the librarian popped her head around a bookshelf.

"Be quiet... GET YOUR SHOES OF THE TABLE, YOU DEPRAVED GIRL!"

"Sorry, Madam Pince - I'm a Prefect!" Lily quickly pulled the rank card as she dug her badge out of her pocket and swung her feet down from the table. "It won't happen again."

Madam Pince inspected the table closely, but luckily for Lily, she hadn't gone to the grounds today. "You get off this time. The library is for studying, not chattering."

"Yes, sorry," Lily said. Once the librarian had left, she turned back to her friend. _"What the fuck?"_

Marlene giggled, clearly enjoying this. "I shagged Sirius Black. On Saturday."

"It's Monday!" Lily protested. "You didn't tell me for _two days?"_

"Sorry!" Marlene said, not looking sorry at all.

"Well? How was it?"

Marlene shrugged. "I don't kiss and tell."

Lily narrowed her eyes, and her best friend gave in. "Fine. It was actually really fun."

"Did it hurt?"

"No, not really. I mean, I don't think it's supposed to hurt. Apparently, it only hurts if he does it wrong."

Lily swallowed, trying to keep James Potter out of her head. "And he did it right?"

"Oh, he did it _more_ than right. It felt really good."

"When exactly was this?"

"It was in the morning. I told him - well, I told him that if he _was_ with Remus - in _that_ way - it was fine with me, and I didn't want to get involved. He got really defensive, and then... it happened."

Lily stared at her friend. "That sounds quite strange. Not really romantic, you know?"

"Whatever," Marlene flopped back in her chair and sighed, smiling. "It was totally worth it."

Lily stared out of the window at the grounds. "I hope he agrees with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 8! Please leave kudos and comments if you enjoyed it! Also, if you liked this, I started a new series about the Golden Trio Era after the Battle of Hogwarts. Feel free to check that out!


	9. Climax

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius finally 'talk.'

Sirius closed his eyes, blocking everything out but the Herbology essay in front of him.

It was quite late, his friends had already gone up to bed and the Common Room was nearly empty, except for a couple other struggling NEWT students like him. Sirius dipped his quill in the inkwell and continued his essay.

_The Dugbog's favourite food is Mandrakes, which leads to Mandrake-growers finding nothing but a bloody mess when pulling their plants out. Flesh-Eating Slugs are known to favour eating Mandrakes as well..._

Sirius' eyes slowly closed and he jerked his head up again. _Damn it, do this!_ It was due tomorrow and he couldn't risk pissing Professor Sprout off. He sighed and rubbed his eyes. Maybe a quick break wouldn't hurt...

He snuck into the dormitory and nicked James' Invisibility Cloak, then wrapped it around himself and headed off to the kitchens. He reached the pear painting and tickled it, then swung into the bright and warm kitchens.

After a good snack and pockets full of cream puffs, Sirius snuck back up to the Common Room, but was thwarted by the presence of Peeves, who was hitting a suit of armour. He sang loudly. "You can't get ME! YOU CAN'T GET _ME!_ "

"Peeves!" Filch's scream echoed off the castle walls. "Get back here!"

"NEVER!" Peeves cackled and made to zoom away, before stopping. "What's that? A student?" A smile stretched over his face. "Who is it?"

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut and waited for Peeves to dob him in. He wasn't scared of Filch, after tricking him for five years, but he really wasn't in the mood. And he wouldn't get any homework done.

To his surprise, a suit of armour clanged loudly in the next corridor. Both Peeves and Filch immediately headed that way, and a hand popped out of a classroom, grabbed Sirius' arm through the cloak, and pulled him inside.

Sirius fell into the classroom right before the door shut, and turned around to look at his saviour. His stomach dropped when he saw it was Remus. They hadn't spent any time alone since... since that day on the train.

He cleared his throat loudly. "Thanks for the save, mate." He had never called Remus 'mate' in his life.

Remus' face was stony. "I didn't want to lose any house points."

Sirius rubbed the back of his neck. "Well - I'm going to head back-"

"Don't be an idiot," Remus snapped. "Filch is going to be prowling these halls for a half hour at least, not to mention Mrs Norris as well."

"Right," Sirius huffed, wondering why he had snuck out in the first place. Then he remembered and pulled a cream puff out of his pocket. "Want one?"

Remus softened a bit. "Sure," he said, taking it out of Sirius' hand. Their fingers brushed, and a jolt of electricity went through Sirius' abdomen, spreading through his body until his fingers were tingling. Remus' cheeks were red and he bit into his puff.

Against his better judgement, Sirius sidled closer to his friend. Remus stiffened but didn't move away.

Their shoulders touched, and Sirius' throat closed up because of the lump that had suddenly formed. _What are you doing?_ he screamed at himself. _Stop it. Stop it. You slept with Marlene to avoid this. This is wrong. This is unnatural. STOP IT._

Sirius' heart seemed to be tearing itself into two. One side of him knew this was wrong. This couldn't happen. Remus was his friend, and that was all. But the other side of him, the _fractionally_ larger side of him, wanted this. Wanted this so badly it felt like he was going to die. It was like a tugging in his stomach, pulling him towards this boy with sandy hair and amber eyes, this lanky boy with an amazing laugh and a perfect smell and this boy who was _his._

* * *

Remus sat beside Sirius on the desk, and their shoulders were touching.

Their _shoulders_ were _touching._

Lightning seemed to spark from the point of contact. Remus felt it radiate throughout his body, and it felt like he was made of crystals, shining and dazzling and sharp and fragile. It was slightly harder to breathe.

What was wrong with him? Sirius had made it clear that this _thing_ between them didn't exist, it would never exist. But from the way he was carefully eating the pastry and staring at the ceiling, his cheeks stained, it didn't seem that way at all.

But _Merlin,_ he wanted this. He wanted Sirius. He wanted to kiss him. He wanted to-

Sirius turned to look at him, grey eyes clouded and silky black hair hanging just below his chin. Remus had never seen anything more perfect in his life. His heart was straining and a lump formed in his throat.

"Moony-" Sirius' voice was husky, slightly deeper than normal, and Remus' gaze fell to his lips. His beautiful lips and Remus needed to kiss him. He didn't care. The searing pain in his abdomen, tugging, pulling him towards this boy - Remus let out a low, guttural growl that rolled from his throat, and he saw Sirius' pupils dilate.

 _"Remus,"_ Sirius croaked, and he grabbed Remus' collar and his lips were on his.

Remus locked his hands behind Sirius' neck and Sirius plunged his fingers into his sandy hair. Sirius moaned, and the heady vibrations opened Remus' lips and their tongues were tangling, teeth clashing and Remus picked Sirius up and pressed him against the wall.

* * *

Sirius was on fire.

Every point of contact, every touch of Remus' skin against his, and another flame was ignited. Remus' tall self was pressed against every inch of his. Something hard pressed against his abdomen, and Sirius felt himself do the same. Sirius kissed him harder, pushing against the wall, daring Remus to fight back, clutching his hair and wanting more.

 _This_ was what it was supposed to feel like. He felt like something in his chest was about to explode.

They broke apart, both breathing hard. Sirius stared at Remus. "I-"

Something shifted in his amber eyes, and Remus dropped him and walked to the other end of the classroom, his back to him. Sirius blinked in shock, feeling cold at the absence of the other boy's body. "Moony, I-"

"Are you in love with Marlene?" He asked loudly, turning around and pacing.

Sirius kept his back against the wall like he was glued to it as he reeled with the emotional whiplash. "What? No, of-"

"Because it seemed like you loved her. When you were snogging her in the train, hours after doing the same to me. And it _especially_ seemed like it when you fucked her in this classroom."

Sirius' head spun. "I - how did you-"

"Did you hold her against the wall like this?" Remus strode back and pinned Sirius back against the wall. "Then what did you do? Did you kiss her?"

Sirius' eyes were wide as he panted, and Remus claimed his mouth in a savage kiss. Sirius tried to grab at his head to pull him closer, wanting more, but Remus pulled away. "Did you do this?" He thrust his hips against Sirius, demonstrating exactly how much he wanted him. "Well?"

"Moony, please," Sirius whimpered, but Remus wasn't done.

"What else did you do?" he almost roared, and now Sirius saw tears in his eyes.

He felt like his heart was cracking. "Remus, don't do this."

"Don't do _what?_ " Remus hissed. "Don't use a girl you barely know? Don't fucking _break your best friend's heart, over and over?_ "

"I'm sorry," Sirius choked, tears running freely over his face. "I - I'm sorry."

"You're _sorry?_ " Remus gave a bitter laugh. "Every time you stabbed me, I was convinced it was the last one, but you upped yourself every time. Congratulations."

"Please," Sirius rasped, and he took his friend's face, running his thumbs over the dusting of stubble. "I'm so, so sorry. I was scared and - I don't know what I was thinking."

Something softened fractionally behind the amber eyes. "You think _I'm_ not scared? I'm _fucking_ terrified, Padfoot. I don't know what I'm feeling. I sure as hell don't know what _you're_ feeling. What I do know is that when I needed him, my best friend wasn't there for me. He didn't have my back."

"Remus, I-" Sirius began, but the other boy leaned in and kissed him. He poured all the fire and desperation into that point of contact, and both were afraid to break apart. Afraid for it to end.

They separated, breathing hard, leaning their foreheads against each other. "I can't do this," Remus panted. "I can't - knowing what we have, knowing that there's _this_ between us - you need to make up your mind. You need to tell Marlene everything. You can't use her like that. I can take it-" Sirius' heart fractured at that- "but I don't know if she can."

Sirius gulped in air. "I - you know I can't do that."

Remus' expression went stony and he stepped back. Almost against his will, Sirius reached for him, but stopped himself. "I can't tell Marlene anything. I can't tell anyone anything. Please - I don't know how - I'm not ready. Give me time."

Remus' Adam's apple bobbed, and Sirius wanted nothing more than to kiss him at that spot. "You can't do this to me. To her. To yourself."

"I know," Sirius croaked. "I - I will. Just not now. Not soon."

Remus turned and walked out of the classroom.

* * *

When he reached the dormitory that night, Remus' hangings had already been pulled shut. Sirius sighed and climbed into his bed, brushing away a piece of scrap parchment that littered his pillow. It turned over, and he spotted some familiar handwriting. Stomach leaping, he examined it closer.

_You have a week._

Sirius groaned and buried his face in his pillow. _What the hell am I going to do?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter nine!!! This was SO MUCH FUN to write. Wolfstar is actually the best. Please leave comments and kudos if you enjoyed it!! <3


	10. Reconciliation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wolfstar works it out. Marlene is in for a shock.

"Another three laps! We've got the game against Ravenclaw in two weeks, people, so I want to see you running!" James Potter yelled at his Quidditch team.

James was a good captain, that was true, but he was also relentless. Because of their upcoming match, he was training them enough that it almost felt like torture. Marlene's lungs ached and there was a terrible stitch in her side. She gasped.

"James," she panted, running up to him. "Water break. Please?"

James rolled his eyes, but the sheen of sweat on his brow told Marlene that he was desperate for one, too. "Fine. Two minute water break, everyone!" The team members immediately collapsed, crawling to the stands. James rolled his eyes again.

"How are we going to beat Ravenclaw like this?" he complained, squirting water into his mouth.

Marlene chuckled. "James, we're going to win." She nodded at their Seeker. "Longbottom's good. Don't worry. You don't need to push us to the death."

James sighed. "I know, I just - I feel like if we lose, it's my fault. And I can't handle that."

Marlene laughed. "Oh, it will absolutely be your fault. Don't worry, though. We won't lose." She looked over at her captain, who seemed not to be paying attention. "Er, James?"

James' focus seemed to be on her ginger best friend in the stands. "James Potter! Stop gawking!"

James looked away quickly. "I'm not _gawking_ ," he sputtered, offended.

"Yes, you are," Marlene giggled. "You know she likes you back, right?"

James swung around and stared at her, stunned. "She - she does? I mean, I know what happened in Potions, but I thought that was a fluke. Or-"

 _"James,"_ Marlene stopped him. "She's confused because you're not asking her out anymore. That's a good sign, right?"

" _What?_ But - she asked me to stop. So I stopped! And now she's upset about it?"

"Her brain works in strange ways, don't try to figure it out. I'd let her stew for a while, but do ask her out again. In a better way, though."

"I won't hex Snape while doing it, if that's what you're suggesting," James grumbled, cheeks reddening. Marlene laughed again.

"Alright, Captain, the team aren't getting any fitter."

James immediately snapped to attention. "Three more laps!"

Marlene sighed, then started running.

* * *

After a hot shower washing away the slushy mud, sweat, and slight chill from her skin, Marlene felt better. She headed out of the dormitory and down into the common room, her thoughts drifting as they often did nowadays to Sirius Black.

A small but immediate smile formed on her face. Every time she thought about him, butterflies sprouted in her abdomen. She knew that Lily had been wrong when she had suggested that there was something between him and Remus. She wasn't entirely sure what was going on there, but she knew they weren't involved. They'd _slept together_ , for Merlin's sake.

Marlene's happy mood inflated. She was practically going out with Sirius Black. Sirius, whom she had fancied since fifth year. And a Hogsmeade visit was coming up. She would ask him to go with her then.

Marlene swung into the common room and spotted Sirius sitting on one of the armchairs. Grinning, she walked over and tapped him on the head. "Hi."

Sirius looked up, saw her face, and his expression changed into something anxious. "Er, hi, Marlene."

Marlene grabbed his textbook and plopped into his lap.

* * *

_Shit. Shit shit shit-_ Sirius' eyes widened. "What are you doing?"

Marlene smiled. "I'm sitting in my boyfriend's lap?"

Sirius' heart hammered. _Bloody hell, what have I gotten myself into?_ "Boyfriend?"

Marlene stroked the side of his face. "Yes," she rolled her eyes.

Sirius tried to look around the room for Remus as subtly as he could. _Shit._ He was sitting in a chair, staring at him. _Do it,_ his eyes seemed to be saying.

Sirius cleared his throat. "Er - d'you think it's maybe - a bit soon?"

She stiffened in his lap. "What d'you mean?"

"I-"

"What do you mean, Sirius?" she lowered her voice. "You _had sex_ with me. Are we not going out?"

Every thought eddied out of Sirius' head as it was filled with blind panic. "I - I thought it was - more casual than that."

 _"What?"_ she snapped. "Casual? You fucking pig, Sirius Black." she stood up and marched out of the portrait hole.

Sirius' head spun and he caught Remus' eyes again. They were blank, but the tiniest hint of a smile played on his beautiful features. _Go,_ he mouthed.

Sirius jumped up and hurried out of the portrait hole after Marlene. "Marlene! Wait up!"

She slowed and turned around. "What do you want?"

"I'm sorry," Sirius apologised, thinking that he was saying those words far too much lately. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I - I didn't think it was that serious. That's my fault."

"Yes, it is," Marlene said, but she seemed to be softening. "I just - I thought it was more than that. I guess we should have communicated better before we actually did something, right?"

"Right," Sirius said, an enormous sense of relief washing over him. He felt a sudden fondness towards her, and slung his arm over her shoulders.

She grinned. "So, can we continue?"

Sirius looked at her. "What?"

"Well, if you don't want a relationship, that's fine. But can we keep - you know?"

The relief immediately drained out of Sirius' body and his something in his abdomen dropped. "Keep - but why?"

Marlene frowned slightly. "Well, it was fun, wasn't it? We're both attracted to each other. I don't see why we can't continue."

The thought of sleeping with her again twisted Sirius' stomach.

"I - I don't-"

"What's wrong? Did you not want to-"

"Let's do it," Sirius said suddenly, immediately regretting it. _What. The fuck. Did you do???_

Marlene smiled, swung around, and kissed him in the middle of the hall. He stood still, feeling her lips moving against his, not reacting. When she slid her fingers into his shaggy black locks, he grabbed her face and kissed it violently. They broke apart, and she was grinning. He hated himself.

The portrait hole swung open. And in what was possibly the worst timing ever, Remus walked out, his eyes shining. Sirius saw that beautiful shine dull. Disappointment and betrayal fester. And then he kept walking.

Sirius hated himself so much.

* * *

Remus felt sick.

He blinked furiously, tears threatening to blind him, bumping into people and not giving a shit. He was so done. So fucking done.

Sirius had broken up with her. He had heard it. The enormous hope and relief that had blossomed in his chest at that - and then when he had gone to find Sirius, there he was. Staring passionately into her eyes. _Fucking again._

Remus finally located a bathroom and locked himself into a cubicle, slumping against the wall, then the tears finally came. His shoulders shook with the force of his sobs. He _fucking hated_ Sirius Black.

The bathroom door opened violently and Remus quickly wiped his face and opened his cubicle. He came face to face with Sirius. This time, he couldn't stop himself.

" _What_ the _fuck_ is _wrong with you?"_ he yelled.

Sirius was already crying, and Remus had to do a double take for a moment, because Sirius Black _rarely_ cried. Remus had only seen him properly cry twice, once when his leg had broken horribly and his bone was jutting through his skin, and the other when he was kicked out of his house. For him to cry now... "I don't know." he sobbed. "I - I really don't know. I don't know how to tell her. Please-"

 _"Fuck you, Sirius Black!"_ Remus shouted. _"I hate you!_ I hate you so much!" He grabbed Sirius' face. His face, with puffy lips and stunning grey eyes and the softest chin-length black hair. The face Remus was almost sure he was in love with.

* * *

Sirius stared into Remus' amber eyes and surged forward, trying to take Remus' lips with his. Remus moved back ever so slightly, tears gleaming in his eyes.

Their breath mingled, and Sirius tried to move forward again. Remus moved backwards. The pain in Sirius' abdomen reached a breaking point. He _had_ to kiss this boy. He just had to.

"Moony, please," he whispered, reaching up to hold Remus' face, but he moved again.

"Isn't it frustrating?" Remus breathed, his lips so close to Sirius' it hurt. "To want something so badly, but to be denied it? To be broken, again and again?"

Tears sprang in Sirius' eyes. " _Please,_ Remus," he pleaded. "Don't be cruel."

Remus scoffed a laugh, the ache in his chest almost unbearable. "Cruel? Really?"

 _"Please,"_ Sirius begged, and he moved his head forward and their lips finally touched.

Remus' willpower crumbled rapidly and he pulled Sirius close to him, and their tongues were grappling. He wanted more. _Needed_ more.

Remus growled and they were against the wall, and Sirius grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head. They were forced to stop for a few seconds, but Sirius tossed Remus' shirt to the ground and they were kissing again.

Remus put his hands on Sirius' back underneath his shirt and Sirius could feel the handprints branding his skin. He wanted it. Furiously, he struggled out of his shirt and then it was more skin to skin and Sirius was on fire again.

Merlin, he loved this feeling. Craved it. How had it been possible to exist without this for sixteen years of his life?

He felt Remus hard against him and was sure the taller boy could feel the same. They held each other's arousal by the throat. Sirius felt like he was going to explode. "Moony," he said throatily, his lips swollen from the kissing.

"Please do the right thing." Remus rasped.

Sirius felt the lump in his throat return. "Moony-"

" _Please,_ Pads," he begged. " _Please._ I can't - I need you. Please."

Sirius swallowed painfully. "Alright. I - I'll do it."

The air seemed to rush out of Remus' body in relief and he teared up again. "Thank you."

Sirius pulled him closer and kissed him again.

The two boys hugged, pulling each other close, Sirius burying his face in Remus' shoulder. He smelled divine, like chocolate and pine and the unique scent of cold, bright sunshine. They stayed like that for a while, savouring each other's warmth, when the door to the bathroom banged open.

Sirius changed his mind about the worst timing ever. This was undeniably worse. None other than Marlene McKinnon stood in the doorway, watching the two shirtless boys embrace. Her eyes bugged. Sirius immediately pushed Remus away from him. "Marlene - I-"

 _"What. The. Fuck?"_ she braced herself in the doorway as Sirius scrambled wildly for his shirt and Remus stood completely still.

"Marlene - wait-"

She started to laugh hysterically and Sirius frantically pulled his shirt over his head. "Merlin! Lily told me, she _fucking_ told me, but I didn't listen, because guess what? I actually fucking _liked_ you, Sirius Black. And I _told_ you that if something else was going on, I didn't want to get involved, but what did you do? You _fucking got me involved_!"

"I - I'm sorry," Sirius said again.

"Did you even like me? Or is this some sick game you were playing, where you lead me on and fuck Lupin in your spare time?"

"Marlene," Remus broke in. "I told him not to. I told him to leave you alone."

She whirled on him. "You _knew_ about this? And you didn't think to tell me?"

Remus looked like he'd been slapped. "I-"

"I'm guessing you didn't feel like I needed to know about this either!"

"Don't be angry," Sirius implored. "I didn't know how to tell you. I didn't know how you'd react. I'm so, so sorry - I never meant to make you feel used."

"Well, you did!" Marlene said, but her anger seemed to be seeping away, replaced by contempt. "Whatever. I don't care. Fuck you, Sirius Black. You know, I would have actually supported you." She turned and left.

Sirius sank to the floor, putting his head in his hands. "Shit. _Shit shit Merlin's fucking arse-_ "

 _"Sirius,"_ Remus slid down and grabbed his hands. "Breathe. It's going to be all right."

"No, it's fucking not," Sirius groaned. "She's going to tell everyone. She's going to tell James - _fuck!_ "

"Hey! Calm down. James Potter found out I was a werewolf in the second year, and his first instinct was to become an unregistered Animagus to help me. He is _not_ going to judge you, I swear it. If anything, he'll be mad you didn't tell him earlier."

Sirius slipped down until his head was in Remus' lap and chuckled. "The bastard probably would, wouldn't he?"

Remus laughed, then bent down and pecked him on the lips. "Don't worry. It's going to be okay."

Sirius closed his eyes. "I hope you're right."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yayyy our favourite couple are FINALLY together. I wonder what James' reaction will be 👀 leave comments and kudos if you liked it!


	11. Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James experiences jealousy. Sirius and Lily bond.

Frank Longbottom would never have called himself a charming type of fellow, but lately, he'd been thinking about reconsidering that.

He had been Seeker of the Gryffindor Quidditch team for three years now, and he was in his final year of Hogwarts. He'd recently had a growth spurt, which hadn't worsened his looks. He was top of his class and had great friends.

Lately, though, Lily Evans in the sixth year had caught his eye. They'd been friendly throughout the years, and both participated in Charms Club. He had never seen her _that way_ before, but he didn't see why not now.

James lounged on one of the benches in the stands, chatting animatedly with Marlene. They were good friends now, but today she had been a bit more subdued than usual. He was trying to squeeze answers out of her when his Seeker jogged up.

"Hey, Potter, McKinnon," Frank nodded. "Marlene, is it alright if I have a quick word with James?"

Marlene frowned slightly, but then deduced that it must be about something Quidditch-related and walked away. Frank took her vacated spot.

"So, James," he began, sounding slightly nervous.

"If this is you telling me that you're not playing in the upcoming match, I'm not hearing it," James said. "We have to beat Ravenclaw, there's no way I'm letting you skive off."

"This actually isn't about Quidditch," Frank continued. "It's - er - about Lily Evans."

James sat up a little too quickly. "What?"

"Lily Evans? Pretty, redhead-"

"I know who Lily Evans is, Longbottom," James snapped. "What did you want to say about her?"

"Well... I know it's no secret that you fancy her, or at least used to," Frank said. "I was wondering if you'd be alright with... me... asking her to go to Hogsmeade with me in a week?"

James just stared at him and kept breathing while he tried to work out a suitable response. "Why are you asking _me_ this?"

Frank blinked. "Well, you did fancy her-"

"What?" James was suddenly angry. "You think I have a claim over her? That I _own_ her, or something?"

Frank hastily backtracked. "No, of course not, that's not what I-"

"Lily Evans is her own person, through and through, and if you think you have to come here asking _me_ for _permission_ to ask her out, then maybe you shouldn't do it!"

"Right," Frank muttered, looking sorely regretful that this conversation had ever happened. "Well, good to know, mate." He clapped James on the shoulder and stalked off.

James sat there, staring furiously at the hoops and directing all of his anger towards Frank Longbottom. _That absolute idiot!_

He tried to work out why exactly he was so disturbed. Lily was perfectly within her rights to go out with anyone she chose, including Longbottom. James tried to unclench the knot in his stomach, but it wouldn't go away. Marlene had told him she fancied him, but James wasn't sure he believed her. Lily still threw snide remarks at him in Potions, avoided him in the Great Hall, and refused to be alone with him in the Common Room.

 _Get over her!_ he told himself sternly. _Maybe you should ask someone else to Hogsmeade_ _._

* * *

Lily sat on the floor in the Common Room, hunched over her DADA essay that started on the low coffee table and spilled down in reams of parchment over her lap. She had a long way to go. She fumbled for her textbook, trying to flip to the right page, when a shadow fell over her. Looking up, she saw Frank Longbottom in the year above.

Lily was decent friends with Frank. He was certainly more mature than the boys in her year. She smiled. "Hey, Frank."

He plopped down next to her. "What're you up to?"

"Defence essay," she sighed, dipping her quill back into her inkpot.

"Well, I won't bother you for long," he said. "I was just wondering if - maybe - you'd like to go to Hogsmeade next week? With me?"

Lily dropped her fully inked quill right onto the paragraph she had just been working on, ruining the writing. _"Shit!"_ she swore, grabbing her wand and siphoning it off. Her work was still intact underneath, and she gave a sigh of relief, placing her quill safely back into the inkpot. She turned to look at Frank, who had a slight smile on his face. "Oh, don't grin at me."

"I'm not," he insisted. "Well? What do you say?"

Lily's head reeled. "I - I'm a little confused," she admitted. "I thought you liked _Alice_."

Frank rubbed his head. "Well... I think that ship has sailed."

Lily squeezed her eyes shut, running her hand through her hair. "I - I don't really know what to say," she finally said.

Frank stood up hastily. "Well, I won't bother you any longer then."

"Wait, Frank!" she grabbed onto his sleeve and he turned around. "Thank you for asking me. I'm just not even sure if I'm going, with all the work, and - I was really hoping you and Alice would work it out."

He smiled. "Yeah, well. We'll see, I guess."

"Yeah," she echoed, and then he left. The shock finally hit her. _Frank Longbottom_ had just asked her out. Her mind immediately jumped to James against her will, before she shut him out and opened her textbook again. She really needed to finish this essay before bed.

* * *

Lily finally finished her essay after everyone had gone up and she was the last person in the Common Room. She rolled it up and stuck it into her satchel before going over to the windows and staring up at the sky. The waning moon was still bright enough to send moonlight seeping into the tower's windows, and she calmed herself by staring into it.

The tranquil sky was ruined, however, by an owl swooping towards the tower. Lily squinted, recognising it a second before it flew in and perched on an armchair. She hurried towards it and found her owl with a letter clutched in his talons. She petted him and gave him a few crumbs before he went back off to the Owlery.

Lily realised it was two letters, bundled together with string. She opened the fancier one first, with a creamy white paper envelope and typewriting.

She scanned it quickly, her heart dropping in shock. It was from her family. It was an invite for an _engagement_ party, in a month's time. _Petunia's_ engagement party, to that daft boyfriend of hers.

Lily squeezed her eyes shut, scrubbing her hand across her face. _Oh Merlin._

She realised the second letter, a plain slip of paper, was now a bit crumpled. It was scribbled on with ballpoint pen. Lily read it.

Her heart slowly shattered.

* * *

Sirius sat up in bed, clutching the letter he had received that morning to his chest. He opened his hangings and headed down the stairs, hoping that the Common Room would calm him down.

He arrived, realising that it wasn't empty yet. The fire was almost out, but there was a figure near it, a crumpled piece of paper clutched in her hand. Lily.

Sirius sat down beside her, noticing the tear tracks on her face. "Everything alright, Evans?"

She blinked slowly and looked at him. "No. Everything is not alright. Not even close."

"What's that?" Sirius nodded his head towards the paper.

"Letter from Petunia," Lily explained. "She's getting engaged, and sent me an invite."

"That's the invite?"

"No. This is the non-invite, the invite nullifyer," Lily gave a humourless laugh and handed it to him.

_Lily,_   
_I know I sent you an invite to my engagement party, but that was only because Mum made me. If you really care about me like you so often claim you do, you won't come. Vernon is the kindest man I've met and he still wants to marry me even after learning about what you are. Make up some excuse about your freak school, I don't care. Just don't come. I'm finally happy, Lily. Don't ruin this for me._   
_Petunia_

"Well," Sirius said matter-of-factly. "Your sister is a bitch."

"She's still my sister," Lily said half-heartedly. "I'm supposed to love her."

"As messed up as your family seems, it will look like paradise compared to mine," Sirius said, closing his eyes and slumping against the armchair.

Lily looked at him, frowning. "What?"

Sirius handed her his letter wordlessly, and as she read it, her eyes bugged. _"What?"_

"My mother is a gem," he quipped.

"She - she - this is _abuse_ , Sirius!"

Sirius scoffed. "You think _this_ is abuse? My mother beat me when she found out I was put in Gryffindor."

Lily launched herself at him and wrapped him in a hug. "You don't deserve that."

Sirius melted into her warm embrace, though he made a face. "Seems like you don't truly know me then, Evans," and she swatted him.

She pulled away and grabbed both letters. "Let's burn these."

Sirius grinned. "Excellent idea."

Lily stood up and grabbed his hand. "But not here. We're going to the Astronomy Tower."

His eyebrows shot up. "What, now?"

She laughed. "Yes, now. Come on!"

They raced through the school, no Cloak, somehow surviving on pure adrenaline and laughter. They finally reached the Astronomy Tower and climbed up the stairs laboriously, unable to stop giggling. They arrived at the top, and Lily raced to the window.

"Ready?" she asked, and Sirius fished his letter out. They held their wands at the ready.

"One, two - three!" they both dropped their letters and yelled "Incendio!" The letters caught on fire.

Both teenagers felt their breath catch in their throats. The letters looked beautiful, drifting down and shedding ash flakes, the flames dancing and parchment browning.

"We won't feel it anymore," Sirius breathed. "Their hate. It's burned away."

She turned and hugged him again, and as the cool breeze swept into the tower and cleansed the air, purifying it, they felt a little bit healed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter eleven done! I'm actually so into the friendship of Sirius and Lily. I honestly want to replace Peter with Lily in the Marauders, but you can't have it all. please leave comments and kudos if you enjoyed it!


	12. Firewhiskey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Halloween prank planning begins. There is drinking in a bathtub and a game of Never Have I Ever. What could go wrong?

James burst into the dormitory, an evil grin on his face. "Guess what week it is, lads?"

Sirius immediately sat up and tossed his textbook away. "It's Halloween."

"That's right," James said. "And Halloween means we have to plan the best prank ever."

Remus raised his eyebrows, picking his way across the room through the dirty laundry littering the floor. "And what did you have in mind, Prongs?"

Peter stared around at his friends. "Well, last year we did the Dungbombs in the feast."

"Boring," Sirius moaned, flopping back down onto his bed. "We need to up our game."

"Moony's a Prefect," James' eyes lit up as Remus groaned.

"Absolutely not. I'm not abusing my privilege-" He was cut off as the other boys began roaring with laughter.

 _"Abuse of privilege!"_ Sirius gasped, wiping his eyes. "Moony, lighten up, please. We're not asking you to kill someone."

James forged ahead. "What we need is something unexpected. Something no one will have thought of. Something we've never done before."

Peter stood up. "I have an idea," he began, "but we're going to need help from Lily."

* * *

Lily sat in the classroom, facing the four Marauders in front of her and trying to wrap her head around the idea they had just presented to her. "So you want me to... what, exactly?"

Sirius grinned. "We want you to use your Prefect privileges to leave the Hogwarts grounds, go to the nearest Muggle town, and buy soda."

"In cans!" Peter piped in helpfully. "It has to be in cans."

Lily narrowed her eyes. "So why exactly should I do this? And what's the end goal here?"

James opened his mouth, but Remus cut in quickly. "Shaking cans. They're going to shake cans. That's the master plan."

A smirk crept over Lily's face as her mind whirred. "Come on, boys, you can do better than that, surely."

James frowned, offended. "What's wrong with that?"

"Potter, my sister used this prank on me when we were nine years old. Step it up."

"So what do you propose?" Sirius asked, tenting his fingers.

"We need better timing," Lily said. "If someone opens their can and there's a minor pop, everyone else is going to expect it."

"So...?" Remus asked tentatively.

Lily gave a wicked grin. "This is going to be the biggest prank we have ever pulled off."

* * *

Later, Lily and Remus headed into town, now wearing scarves and jumpers to ward off the cold. They had managed to convince McGonagall that this trip was necessary, so here they were.

"You alright, Remus?" Lily asked tentatively, not wanting to probe. Remus nodded, but she pushed further. "Are you sure?"

"I said I'm fine, Lily," he replied, rubbing his hands together.

"Ok, you're clearly not fine." She grabbed his shoulders and swung him around to face her. "What is going on between you and Sirius, and what have you done to Marlene?"

Remus stared at her, his eyes widening in panic. She hastily backtracked. "I'm not judging you or anything, I swear. It's just - I don't know what's going on, and my best friend seems to be upset. You need to tell me."

Remus' ears went red and he continued walking, scuffing his boots on the road. "You should be asking Sirius."

"I'm asking _you_ ," Lily reiterated.

He sighed. "Fine. Sirius was involved with Marlene when he didn't want to be. He broke it off with her in rather a messy way. End of story."

Lily narrowed her eyes. "You and I both know that's not true."

"What do you want me to say, Evans? D'you want to know every horrible little detail?"

She scowled at him. "I want to know why Marlene's so upset. You haven't mentioned yourself once in your little story. Clearly this is tearing up all three of you, and I know it's not my business, but it's time you sorted it out. Really."

Remus huffed. "Sirius and I were involved, he got scared of Marlene finding out, so he... I'm sure Marlene told you. She caught us while I was trying to convince him to break it off with her. She dumped him. That's all, I swear."

Lily snorted. "Well, that was a shite move of Sirius'."

"He was scared, Lily," Remus said. "All his life, he's been the black sheep. He was scared of everyone finding out and being ostracised further. I'm not defending his actions. But you have to understand that people like him - like us - are hated. That's all."

Lily swallowed, staring at the wooded horizon. "I... I'd never thought about it like that before."

"No, you wouldn't have," Remus said. "That's ok, but you need to realise it's not simple for us. Don't think too harshly of Sirius."

"I'm not," she replied truthfully. "And just in case you didn't know - I support you both. Fully."

A smile finally cracked Remus' face. "Good to know, Evans."

She grinned back at him. "I'm rooting for you two. Don't break his heart."

Remus chuckled. "Not planning to." He slung his arm around her shoulders and they walked the rest of the way to town.

* * *

The night before Halloween, the four of them congregated in the Common Room. Peter was sleeping and none of the Marauders had the heart to wake him up. Beside her, Lily had three canvas bags full of soda cans, enough for every student. "You boys better pay me back for these," she grumbled. "They weren't cheap."

James lifted one. "To the kitchens we go."

The four of them definitely couldn't squeeze under the Cloak, so they resorted to ducking in the shadows. Sirius heard Peeves singing. "Shh! Stop."

Lily giggled nervously. "I regret never having done this before," she whispered, all the boys shushing her.

Peeves moved on, and so did the teenagers. They deposited the bags in the kitchens, after very specific instructions to the house elves. Giggling and pushing each other, they crept out of the basement and back up the flights of shifting stairs.

On the way back to the Common Room, James stopped. "We should do something fun," he said. "It's the night before Halloween."

'Well-" Lily exchanged eye contact with Remus "we could go to the Prefects' bathroom-"

 _"Excellent_ idea, Evans," Sirius said gleefully, before anyone could protest. Tripping over air and each other's shoes, the four of them made their way to the Hospital Tower and opened the bathroom door using the password.

It was dark. Remus illuminated the chandelier, and James and Sirius gasped. The pool-like bathtub, perfumed atmosphere, fluffy white towels, and the hundreds of taps gleaming like jewels all took their breath away.

"What the fuck?" Sirius breathed. "I should have become a Prefect."

"Moony!" James complained, nudging him crossly. "You didn't share this with us?"

Remus grinned. "Can you blame me?"

Lily fumbled behind the mermaid portrait (to the creature's chagrin) and pulled out a Firewhiskey bottle. "The Head Boy sometimes hides this in here."

James grabbed it from her and weighed it in his hands. "This is nearly full!"

"Well, there you go," Remus muttered, smiling a little.

"Wait!" Lily laughed, pushing a now wrestling James and Sirius to the side. "Who wants to help me fill the tub?"

They immediately abandoned the bottle and played around with the taps, pushing each other around and exchanging insults. Lily giggled. "They're exactly like infants, aren't they?"

Remus smirked. "You learn after a while that the only way to shut them up is to make it a competition."

"I'll keep that in mind for next time," Lily snickered as the bathtub filled up rapidly. "Boys, turn the taps off before we drown in here!"

* * *

Sirius was now faced with the awkward situation of how to get into the tub. James stripped of his shirt easily and plunged into the foam covered tub, while Lily took off her pyjama top under a towel and didn't let it drop until she was inside the tub. Sirius quickly removed his shirt, not looking at Remus, and slid into the tub. He squeezed his eyes shut and sank under the foam until he heard a muffled roar of bubbles that indicated Remus had come in. He surfaced, shaking his head like a dog and wiping perfumed water out of his eyes.

Lily reached for the bottle of whiskey and Sirius felt Remus' hand near him. He reached out and grasped it under the water, feeling better now that he was grounded by the warm hand with its calluses.

James popped off the cork, which went flying and didn't resurface. Remus laughed. "We better finish it all, then."

Lily was the first to take a swig, grimacing as she swallowed the liquid. James took the bottle next, taking two long gulps and trying not to sputter. Lily grinned at him, and he grinned back.

Remus took three drafts of the whiskey without flinching and everyone stared at him. He looked at them quizzically and wiped his mouth. "What?"

James started to laugh. "Moony, you just glugged that down!"

Remus smiled sheepishly as the rest of them began to guffaw. "What're you hiding, Remus?" Lily asked, wiping her eyes.

"My turn," Sirius clamoured, grabbing the bottle. At the first gulp, his immediate reaction was to spit it out. It tasted disgusting, like petrol fumes. He swallowed it with a great amount of effort, but it went down the wrong way and he immediately started to cough violently.

Everyone started to laugh, and James had to thump him on the back. Sputtering, Sirius finally inhaled. "What _was_ that?" he demanded, horrified. "I - I thought it would taste like Butterbeer!"

Everyone fell about laughing again. "Shut up," Lily said, offering him the bottle. "Want to try again?"

This time, it went down slightly better. Sirius was still grimacing at the taste, but he was already starting to feel light-headed. Lily reached for the bottle again and took another long swig. "Let's play a game."

James took the whiskey from her and sipped from it. "What's the game?"

"It's a Muggle game, called 'Never Have I Ever'," Lily explained as Remus took another drink. "If you've done something someone says, you drink. But you have to say something you haven't done. The person who's the drunkest at the end loses. Oh, and you're not allowed to lie."

"I'll start," Sirius offered. "Never have I ever... broken a bone." James, Sirius, and Remus drank.

"That was boring," Lily complained. "I've got a better one. Never have I ever pissed in a pool." James and Sirius drank, laughing, and Remus chuckled. "Wait, really?" Lily asked, wrinkling her nose. "You better not pee in this one."

"Evans, I wouldn't _dream_ of it," James promised, leaning close to her. Sirius could tell the alcohol was already hitting him. His glasses were slightly steamy and there were flecks of foam on them.

She laughed and pushed him back. "Who's next?"

Remus took the bottle from her. "Never have I ever... started a fire." Sirius and Lily drank.

James started laughing. "Ohhh, Lily, I've got to hear this one."

She chuckled. "I had a childhood bully, and when I was seven, I accidentally set his backpack on fire."

"Accidentally?" Remus asked, incredulous, and she whacked him in the head.

Remus took the bottle. "Never have I ever let someone stick their hand into my pants." Sirius and Lily all drank, Lily blushing bright red. James turned to stare at her, gawping, but she waved him off. She really didn't want to bring Severus into the conversation.

"My turn," James said. "Never have I ever gone skinny-dipping." No one drank.

Lily grinned slyly. "You know, this could hypothetically turn into something like that..."

"Whoever drinks next has to remove an article of clothing," James decreed.

"Can we switch off the light, at least?" Remus asked weakly, and Lily nodded and muttered the spell that turned the light off. The room was now dimly lit by the moonlight streaming through the fogged window.

"Ooooh," Sirius whispered, sending all four of them into fits of giggles.

Remus lifted the bottle high above his head. "I'll go next, I'll go next." They quieted down. "Never have I ever been on a boat." Lily, James, and Sirius drank, passing the bottle around.

"You haven't gone on a boat, Remus?" Lily asked.

"Never got the chance," he muttered, and James quickly grabbed the bottle.

"These ones are boring," he declared loudly. Sirius was almost sure James was drunk, though his own head spun too. His tongue felt looser, and he moved closer to Remus' body. "Never have I ever," James continued, "shagged someone."

Sirius' stomach dropped as both Remus and Lily turned towards him, and Lily handed him the bottle. Sirius drank from it deeply, the taste of the alcohol not bothering him too much now. James seemed to take a moment to catch up. "Wait, Pads, what?"

"Don't ask," Sirius mumbled, before Lily reminded him he needed to take some clothes off. Thanking the stars that he had worn boxers, he removed his trousers and tossed them out of the pool.

"Padfoot!" James admonished, trying to be stern through his drunken haze. "Who did you sleep with?"

"You didn't ask him that, James," Remus said. "That's not part of the question."

"Moony, Lily, you knew about this too?" James looked more offended than anything. "Pads, you have to tell me."

"Marlene," Sirius blurted, just to get James to shut up. "I shagged Marlene."

James blinked. _"What?"_

"Like I said, _don't ask_ ," Sirius reiterated, then turned to the others before James could protest. "Who's next?"

"I am," Lily said, with an odd smile. "Never have I ever been in love."

James grinned and grabbed the bottle, looking Lily straight in the eye, and took a long swig. She rolled her eyes, but she was smiling, and she moved a fraction of an inch closer to him. "Good one, Potter."

"You know you love it, Evans," he said with a lazy smile, and she swatted at him, laughing.

Remus and Sirius stared at each other, and Lily turned towards them. "Only James drinking, then?"

Remus didn't break eye contact with Sirius as he took the bottle and drank from it.

James blinked. "Moony! Who are you in love with?"

"Your arse," Remus replied, and James tried to pull him into a chokehold, but he was quite drunk and didn't have much alcohol tolerance.

Sirius found a lump in his throat as he continued to stare at Remus. Remus loved him. Remus had just admitted that he loved him. Remus Lupin was in love with him, Sirius Black.

Sirius had to stop himself from launching himself at the stupid boy and kissing him until they were both sick of it. Which Sirius had to admit, seemed like it would never happen. Remus Lupin was like a drug, an addictive drug that he would never get enough of. But it was more than that. He loved the way Remus hoarded chocolate, his dry, witty humour, his tiny, cramped handwriting, his moral code, his way of dealing with pain that made everything seem better.

Sirius swallowed painfully and reached for the bottle, savouring the feel of the acidic burning sensation down his throat. Remus stared back at him, and for a moment the other two seemed to disappear and they moved closer to each other and then-

"Pads! Are you in love with Marlene?" James demanded, and the moment was broken and Sirius was taken back to the moment that Remus had asked him the same question.

They looked at each other one more time, and maybe Sirius was crazy. Maybe he was drunk and out of his mind, but somewhere in the colour of Remus' eyes and the amber liquid in the bottle and the overpowering smell of soap and the moonlight shining through the window he wasn't scared anymore.

Sirius propelled himself forward towards Remus and they were kissing. Remus cupped his face, his wet black hair, and Sirius buried his fingers in Remus' damp curls. Sirius felt the way Remus' muscles shifted under his touch and needed more, and more, and he never wanted this feeling to stop-

Lily whooped and clapped as James stood there in absolute shock, his mouth hanging open. Lily reached over and closed his jaw, but it just fell open again.

The two boys separated, breathing hard and staring each other in the eyes. Sirius couldn't stop a smile from forming on his face, and Remus grinned too. "I love you, Padfoot."

Sirius' heart was so full it felt like it was about to burst. "I love you too." Remus lowered Sirius back into the water, but they stayed holding hands and pressed against each other.

James stood there, his hands on his hips and mouth finally closed. "Well, is someone going to explain what's going on, or...?"

"They're in love, you idiot," Lily laughed. "That was officially the cutest thing I have ever experienced."

James turned towards her, pouting. "Am I not the cutest thing you've ever experienced?"

"Not even in the top ten."

He scowled at her. "I'll deal with _that_ later." He turned back towards his friends. "You guys are in love?"

They looked at each other, then back at him. "Yeah. Sorry for not telling you earlier, Prongs. We just worked it out."

"But - but then - how did you sleep with Marlene?"

"It was a mistake," Sirius said quickly. "Don't... don't ask."

James blinked slowly, then a smile started to spread on his face. "Moony! Pads! My best friends are in love! Come here!" James squeezed them in a tight hug, and the three best friends hugged him back. "I love you guys. In a friend way."

"We know, Prongs," Remus grumbled, but Sirius said "We love you too."

James reached out and pulled Lily into the hug, and then it was the four of them squeezing each other and laughing and soap getting into people's eyes. They eventually separated, still grinning.

Remus found the bottle and swirled its remaining contents around. "Wow, we nearly finished it."

"Well, who's the loser?" Sirius asked, and the three of them turned towards James.

He blinked. "I'm not the drunkest!"

"Yes, you are," Lily said. "You just professed your love for me."

"That's because I'm in love with you!"

"That's the whiskey talking, Potter," she crooned, tracing her thumb over his cheekbone, causing him to shiver.

"We should leave," Sirius pointed out, gesturing to the clock on the ceiling that read 3:08. The others agreed, then it was a matter of draining the tub, replacing the whiskey and getting dry. They snuck back to Gryffindor tower, all smelling like roses. Sirius and Remus were holding hands, and Sirius was sure he never wanted to let go.

* * *

Lily snuck back into the girls' dormitory alone, getting into bed. She could tell she was drunk, her movements were at once too fast and too slow and her head was spinning slightly. She couldn't stop thinking about James Potter. His muscled chest, abdomen, and back, his awful jokes and wild movements, his profession of love. Her thumb over his cheekbone, glistening in the moonlight.

She rested her hand just under the waistband of her pyjama shorts and fell asleep dreaming of steamed up glasses and the scent of flowers and Firewhiskey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 12 done! I love the idea of these four getting up to mischief like this, and Sirius and Remus finally came out! I'm so proud of the babies. leave comments and kudos if you liked it!


	13. Halloween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The four of them wake up with massive hangovers, but are still able to make it in time for the Halloween prank.

Remus woke up with a throbbing headache, twisted stomach, and a foul taste in his mouth. He smacked his lips, sitting up blearily and nearly vomiting from that alone, though he knew he had been let off easy based on how much he had drank last night. He squeezed his eyes shut and breathed for a moment, trying to recall what had happened last night.

Sirius said he loved him.

The memory slammed into Remus like a train wreck and his eyes flew open. _Remus said he loved him. And Sirius had said it back._

Remus shook his head, struggling out of his bedclothes and getting to his feet. James and Sirius' hangings were still closed, and Peter's bed was empty. Remus stumbled to the water jug and poured himself a glass. He set the tumbler down after swallowing a few gulps, immediately feeling sick but not being able to vomit. Oh well. The discomfort was nothing compared to the full moons.

Leaning against the cool glass of the window, he stared at the midmorning sky and pondered last night. Sirius was drunk. There was no way they could be professing their love barely three days into a stable relationship, was there? Sirius was probably regretting it right now, assuming he wasn't passed out. Firewhiskey hit hard, and they had drank a lot. It was a drunken mistake. That they had both made. That Remus had made first. And Sirius had felt obliged to respond.

Merlin curse him, why had Remus admitted that? Why had he gone and confessed _love_ , for fuck's sake? Now he had pushed Sirius into a corner, and he knew Sirius hated moving too fast. There had been Maggie Towers in the fourth year he had briefly dated, but she had gone and got him a fancy Valentine's present with both their initials entwined, and he had chucked the gift and her in a day.

Remus had been drunk. That was the only explanation he was prepared to offer. It was a drunken mistake, and he didn't mean it. That's what he would tell Sirius. He didn't know what else to say. Despite loving that boy for over two years, the hard truth was that Remus wasn't prepared to be that open with him yet. It hit Remus that he didn't trust Sirius enough to be that vulnerable with him. Remus dropped his chin onto his chest and groaned softly. _What had he done?_

* * *

Sirius squinted as bright light flooded his bed. His hangings had been ripped apart by Peter, who was standing above his bed. "Sirius, wake up!"

A sharp pain clanged through Sirius' head at the smaller boy's voice and he buried his head in his pillow. "Bloody hell, Wormy, can you shut the fuck up?"

"I only wanted to ask you if you wanted breakfast," Peter said, a little hurt, but Sirius couldn't care less. Nausea roiled in his stomach.

"I don't," he replied shortly, "and please close the hangings."

Peter muttered a short spell and the hangings closed. Sirius shut his eyes and tried to go back to sleep, but his head was pounding too hard to allow that to happen. He felt like he had been run over by a tractor.

Memories floated to him, of last night, and a dopey smile spread across his face as he remembered Remus' confession and his return of it. They were in love. Sirius was undoubtedly sure that he loved Remus. Yes, pure attraction was a component of it, but he couldn't help loving _Remus_ , the very essence of that boy.

Merlin, he was fucked, but he couldn't seem to care.

He dozed back to sleep several times, before Peter returned to the dormitory and informed him he was missing Halloween lunch, which was what finally prompted him to haul his arse out of bed and stumble to the shower. He peered at himself in the mirror. He looked like hell, dark purple circles under his eyes, a crust forming at the side of his mouth, and his usually lustrous hair limp. His head was still throbbing and he was susceptible to vomiting at any minute, but he forced himself to shower and get dressed and head down to the Great Hall.

Remus and Lily were there, James still passed out in his bed. The three of them exchanged glances, Lily looking a little remorseful. He smirked to himself, imagining she was feeling guilty that she had broken at least five rules in one night, some of them grounds for suspension, or at the very least getting stripped of her Prefect badge.

Then his eyes met Moony's, and all the other thoughts fell out of his head. Remus' sandy stubble was a little longer, his flaxen curls were flattened on one side, and he seemed beyond exhausted. He looked no less gorgeous, though. If anything, Sirius was more attracted to him in this rough, unpolished state.

Sirius managed to eat some pumpkin pie, though his stomach didn't protest when Peter piled some steak onto his plate. He was starving, despite the nausea, and stuffed his face. He was sure he would vomit later, but life was about not having regrets.

The sixth-years trooped back up to the Common Room, where Peter went to finally rouse James (it was quarter to three, for Merlin's sake) and Remus, Lily, and Sirius sat on the armchairs, absolutely stuffed.

Sirius could feel the effects of his hangover start to slowly wear off. He looked over at Remus, who had fallen asleep in the chair, and grabbed a wizard's chess set off the table. He prodded Lily. "Fancy a game?"

She rolled her eyes, but she seemed to be feeling better, too. "You're on."

After three victories, Lily was forced to admit that Sirius was simply better at chess than her, though she had given a valiant effort. She flopped back in the chair. "You know, last night was fun."

Sirius squinted at her. "What d'you mean?"

She turned and grinned at him. "You and Remus?"

Sirius' first instinct was to deny it, but he forced himself to speak. "Yeah." He changed the subject. "You and James?"

Lily flushed. "There is no me and James."

"That's not what it seemed like last night," Sirius said matter of factly, and Lily's eyes widened. _Oh Merlin, what had happened? What had they said, exactly?_

Sirius read her expression and laughed. "Nothing happened, before you ask. He just - well - it seemed like there was something."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Just because he's matured slightly and doesn't bully first-year Slytherins anymore doesn't mean I turn into a sodding puddle at his feet, Black. I know he's your best mate, but I'm not falling for James Potter."

Sirius laughed, showing all his teeth in a vaguely canine manner. "That's what you say now, Evans. I'm willing to bet you that by the time we graduate from Hogwarts, you'll be head-over-heels in love with him."

Lily slammed her hand onto the table, emerald eyes flashing. "Willing to bet what, exactly?"

Sirius raised his eyebrows at her resolve, still grinning wolfishly. "You'll let me name your first-born child. Yours and James'."

She scoffed. "Oh, gladly. You can name a baby that will never exist. And if I win, _which I will_ , I get to be best man at your wedding."

He turned to her, frowning. "You what? You can't be best man, you're a witch!" _Just who exactly did this bird think she was?_

Lily stared at him challengingly. "It's the bet. Whoever you get married to, and _I'm_ not assuming who it will be," she glanced pointedly at Remus, who was still sleeping, "I get to be your best man. Not James, _me_."

He snorted and held out his hand. "Let's shake on that."

"Fine," she replied, jutting her hand into his and pumping it up and down firmly. "Nice doing business with you, Sirius Black."

"And you, Lily Evans," he returned, an odd gleam in his eye.

It hardly mattered, anyway. Lily would undoubtedly win the bet.

* * *

Remus and Sirius eventually went to get James, who had thrown up and promptly fallen asleep in the bathtub, which was where they found him.

Sirius stared at him and tutted. "Prongs, you look like shit."

"Fuuuck," James groaned. "My head is fucking splitting."

"Well, you're going to need to get up, mate," Remus said. "The prank is in an hour. Are you really going to miss it?"

James gritted his teeth and clambered out of the tub. "Someone find my robes."

The Marauders eventually managed to get ready and down in time for the feast, and they were all feeling better by the time they got to the Great Hall (though James still looked queasy and pale.) Lily sat down in between Sirius and Marlene, grinning eagerly. "When's it starting?"

Marlene frowned. "What's going on?"

"Nothing at all," Lily trilled to her best friend, leaning closer to Sirius. "When's it happening?"

"Miss Evans, you're clearly not familiar with the ways of pranks, are you?" he asked innocently.

She swatted him. "Bollocks. Just because I never get caught doesn't mean I haven't pulled my fair share."

Sirius turned to her fully, slack-jawed. "Which ones did you pull?"

She grinned wickedly. "A lady never tells, Mister Black." He pouted, but she just changed the subject. "You still haven't answered my question."

"The cans are to be summoned after Dumbledore gives his speech," Remus explained, taking pity on Lily. "Then you and I have to be the ones to - well - _instruct_ them."

She giggled. "Merlin, I'm far too excited for this."

"Spoken like an amateur," Sirius grumbled, but Lily merely ignored him.

Dumbledore gave his speech, but everyone was too excited and hungry to really care what he was saying. As long as no one was actively dying, students above the second year rarely listened to him. At the end of the speech, he lifted his wand and all the tables were suddenly groaning with food. In front of every student, there was a can of soda. Confused muttering broke out amongst the students, and some Slytherins looked actively disgusted by the Muggle drink.

Lily stood up on the bench. "The Gryffindor Prefects have taken the initiative to introduce every Hogwarts student to a form of Muggle drink," she explained to the student body as several teachers nodded approvingly. "We did this to bridge the gap between Muggleborns and Purebloods, and to hopefully have a bit of fun! By the way, they do need to be shaken before they're drank." she sat down to cheers from the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff students. The Ravenclaws looked confused, and the Slytherins looked revolted. Across the hall, Muggleborns had started to laugh, but none of them piped up yet. Lily would make sure they wouldn't.

Dumbledore smiled and raised his own soda can, giving it a vigorous shake. Many students followed suit. "Happy Halloween!"

At once, more than two thirds of the student body pressed their cans open, and the tables were flooded with magically enlarged spouts of fizzing soda. Kids screamed at the unexpected reaction, and the Marauders laughed so hard their sides hurt. Lily wasn't finished, though. With a muttered spell, she transfigured every single can of soda, even the unopened ones, into - ducks.

Shrieking filled the hall as large and angry ducks suddenly stormed the tables, eating the food and soiling the dishes. At the teachers' table, a duck was trying to waddle under Dumbledore's hat, and a particularly violent mallard was attempting to eat Flitwick's beard. Sprout was laughing along with many of the students and feeding the ducks. One Slytherin was squealing loudly, trying to hide in Snape's robes. A Ravenclaw had a duck relieve itself on her head, and she screeched in anger. Several Hufflepuffs found duck eggs in their hats. Lily wheezed, tears leaking from her eyes. The Marauders weren't faring too well either, with Peter having literally slid onto the floor and Sirius choking on his own saliva.

With a loud crack, every duck in the hall disappeared, replaced by the now empty soda cans. Duck shit and feathers littered the Great Hall. Professor McGonagall stood at the front of the hall, wand raised. Lily knew she would be angry, but she could see the telltale gleam of amusement in her eye.

It didn't matter, though. Entertained or not, Professor McGonagall gave all four of them a detention. Wiping her eyes, Lily thought it had almost been worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're all the way at 13! how long do you guys think this will be? I don't really have a stopping point in mind and I'm too attached to these characters to give them up. Please leave requests for what you want to see in the comments below and I'll do my best to make them happen!


	14. Trophy Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The four of them begin detention. We are introduced to a new character.

Professor Burnabe dismissed the Astronomy class, and James grabbed his bag as students streamed down the ladder. Before he could get out of there, however, Burnabe stopped him. "Evans, Potter, Black, and Lupin - Professor McGonagall requested that you four stay behind for your overnight detention. She'll be up in a minute." With that, the teacher was gone.

Lily plonked her forehead on the table with a sigh. "Why did I let you boys rope me into this?"

Sirius looked offended. "Evans, it was _hilarious_."

"Some of us have reputations, Sirius. Don't suppose you'd know about all that," Remus teased.

"You take that back! I have an enormously prestigious reputation as the wizard with the most luscious hair in the whole school."

James' mouth dropped open. "My hair is obviously the most beautiful, Pads," he protested.

Lily scoffed playfully. "Sorry, Potter, I'm with Sirius on this one. Black, what say you and I create a society for gorgeous hair?"

"The Hogwarts Society for Witches and Wizards with Hair as Beautiful as Life Itself," Sirius declared proudly. "Members: Sirius Black and Lily Evans."

James stared at them. "If anyone should join this society, it should obviously be me."

"Just because your dad invented Sleekeazy doesn't mean your hair looks nice," Sirius said. "Evans, let's discuss hair care secrets. _Privately._ " The two of them went into the corner and started whispering.

James rolled his eyes and looked away. "Sod off. It's not like I care about your bollocks society anyway."

They just whispered louder, but the scene was interrupted by Professor McGonagall climbing up the ladder. They all immediately stood up.

She looked at them. "Black, Potter, I'm disappointed but can't say I'm surprised at you two." James and Sirius smirked at one another.

"Minnie, dearest, we both know you keep getting us for detention because you love us so," Sirius said innocently.

McGonagall snorted through her nose, used to his antics. She moved on to the others. "Lupin, Evans, I have to say, as Prefects, I expected more of you. You're in the sixth year now. It's high time you matured and found pastimes more productive than childish pranks." James looked affronted, but kept silent.

"All four of you are going to spend the night cleaning the trophy room and the Great Hall, without magic," she said, and they all gave silent groans. The trophy room was the place famous for parties and snogging. There was always a giant mess, especially in the alcoves and inside the trophies (don't ask.) The Great Hall had been subject to a food fight at dinner, so that would be a pain in the arse to clean.

"You have the whole night. Good luck." She turned into a cat and jumped back down, leaving the four teenagers tired and annoyed.

Sirius got up. "Where to first?"

* * *

James looked despairingly over at Lily, who was scrubbing a plaque in the trophy room. Why was she scrubbing it like that? She looked stunning, strands of fiery hair escaping her low bun, brow furrowed. She hadn't talked to him properly since that night in the Prefect's bathroom, and his ill-fated confession. Merlin, why had he said that? He didn't _really_ love her, he only wanted to get her attention. He had spent so long pursuing her that it had only seemed appropriate for the time, though now he realised there was nothing he could have said that was worse than that. The alcohol had made his tongue loose and slippery, his brain clouded and all he could pay attention to were her luminous green eyes and dopey smile.

He had fucked up.

He sidled closer to her, using a scraper to remove the chewed Every-Flavour beans that had been stuck on the bottom of the case. "Want to guess what flavour this one is?" he asked, holding up a particularly disgusting green one.

She wrinkled her nose, corners of her mouth turning up. "Not really, no."

"Fair enough," he sighed, tossing it into the bin he pulled along with him. Then he looked at her, really looked at her. "Lily-"

"Potter, if this is about that night-"

"I didn't mean it," he said all in a rush. "I just wanted you to know - I didn't really mean it. I don't really love you. I mean, I like you, I _more_ than like you, but-"

"Potter," she laughed, covering his mouth, and he instantly froze. "I know. You were drunk. It was a strange atmosphere. It's fine."

He nodded slowly. "Right. Just making sure you knew."

Lily took his scraper from him and picked a brown bean. "What flavour is this one?"

"Oh, definitely earwax," he nodded solemnly, and she laughed.

* * *

Lily and James' laughter echoed in the next chamber, as Sirius was having a hard time concentrating as he stared at his boyfriend's back muscles shifting beneath his too-tight school shirt as he scrubbed the wall of the trophy room.

They _were_ boyfriends, weren't they? He sidled up next to Remus and put his chin on his shoulder. Remus turned around in surprise. "Sirius, I-"

Sirius shut him up with a kiss. He was thoroughly enjoying being able to kiss Remus whenever he liked, though the taller boy pulled back slightly. "Sirius, we should really discuss what - what we said the night before Halloween."

Sirius' stomach swooped with anticipation as the sharp right angle of Remus' Adam's apple bobbed. "You're... probably right. What about it?"

Remus exhaled shakily, and then the words seemed to pour out of him. "I - I didn't mean to say that. I - I really like you, Pads, and I don't want to ruin what we have, not now that we've finally figured out what's going on, but I don't want to move too fast, and I was drunk, and _Merlin_ you looked hot, and I didn't really know what I was doing, and we were all plastered, and I wanted - what I mean is that I don't love you. No, I do, but not in that way. Not yet. We've been mates forever, and it was confusing, and I don't know what I'm saying anymore, so I'll just shut up."

Sirius stared at him with wide eyes as his stomach dropped. Dropped all the way to his feet. Remus didn't love him. Sirius felt like a fool. Here he'd thought that this boy might actually love him, but he didn't, _of course_ he didn't, what was there to love? And Sirius had said it back, like some kind of plonker. _Fix this!_ "I was drunk too," he blurted quickly. "Let's just - let's forget the whole thing, yeah?"

Remus' whole body seemed to relax, though something in his eyes was still off. It didn't matter though, not as Remus wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and leaned in and kissed him. Sirius could have melted in relief. Remus still wanted him, and Sirius could live with that for now, even though he was sure he loved him. _Stuff it, Sirius,_ he commanded himself as Remus' tongue slipped into his mouth. _You buggered him over, of course he doesn't love you. Take what you can get._

Their kiss deepened, and Sirius pressed Remus against the wall as they snogged, Sirius feeling wildly possessive over the little moans that kept slipping out of his boyfriend's mouth. _Mine. You're mine._ He snaked his hand down, reaching Remus' belt buckle. Remus pulled away and stared at him, pupils so big they almost drowned out the amber. "What - what're you doing?"

"Shhhh," Sirius crooned as he reclaimed Remus' mouth and undid his belt buckle. Remus tipped his head back, panting wildly, trying to control the sounds that slipped through his teeth, though he was failing. Sirius kissed his way down his boyfriend's neck and slipped his hand inside Remus' trousers, cupping the prominent bulge through the thin layer of cloth. Remus whimpered and tried not to buck into Sirius' hand. "Fuck, Sirius, _please-_ "

"Are you wankers done?" James' voice echoed loudly, and Sirius and Remus separated quickly, both concealing their hard-ons in their school robes.

"Let's move on," Remus said quickly, and the four of them made their way down to the Great Hall.

* * *

Dorcas Meadowes gazed out of the girls' dormitory window at the waning moon. Beside her, Mary and Marlene slept with their hangings wide open, and Lily's bed remained empty. Dorcas got out of bed and padded over to the window. Chilly air swept in, and she shivered in her thin pyjamas. Marlene and her odd need for 'fresh air' at night. It was too often that Dorcas got soaked in sudden rain that was all too common in spring. At least when it snowed they were allowed to shut the windows.

Dorcas stared at Marlene's sleeping form, her arms and legs spread out over the white sheets. She always slept erratically, waking up in the wee hours of morning and clattering about, leaving Dorcas no choice but to get up. Lily was the brains, Mary the brawn, Marlene was definitely the beauty. She had had multiple boyfriends, starting in the third year when she had gone out with Fabian Prewett. It wasn't only her looks that contributed to this. Marls' personality was always the brightest and bubbliest out of all of theirs. She attracted attention wherever she went, and the only boys Dorcas could think of that had never showed interest in her in Gryffindor were Remus Lupin and James Potter. Dorcas thought that Potter had irritated Marlene the most when they were younger. The thought that a reasonably attractive boy preferred Lily, who was pretty but far more focused on her studies, over her, Marlene, incensed the living shit out of her, and Lily and Marlene had almost stopped being friends in the fourth year when that conflict reached its peak, as Lily was angry that Marlene would pick a boy over her. Luckily, Dorcas and Mary had been there to smooth things over, and Marlene had grown up and moved on to more exciting offers, like Sirius Black.

And then it went wrong.

Dorcas really had no idea why Marlene was so upset about the whole business with Black. She had had relationships - if one could call it that - that had been far more volatile. Dorcas knew that she had shagged him, which was a first, but Marlene really shouldn't have been this upset about it. She was a firm believer in using boys and discarding them, as she liked to put it.

If Lily was the brain, Mary was the brawn, and Marlene the beauty, Dorcas was nothing but the boring one. She had nothing special about her. She didn't play Quidditch like Marls and Mary, she didn't get top marks like Lily, boys didn't like her like Marlene and Lils. She was utterly plain, rather stupid, and not much fun. Her only interesting quality was her sharp tongue, which only made an appearance in very specific situations. Dorcas padded into the bathroom and stared at herself in the face. Her fluffy hair and dark skin looked spotty and frizzy, and she sighed. She wouldn't be winning any fellow's attention anytime soon.

Her secret, though, was that she didn't want a boy. She didn't want a James Potter to pine after her, or a Sirius Black for lust. She wanted-

She wanted a Marlene McKinnon.

And that was exactly what she couldn't have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 14 is done! I'm loving Dorcas, actually (I relate to her ;) please leave comments and kudos if you liked it, and any suggestions too!


	15. Potions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Lily have some problems. Snape shows up again. Remus and Sirius sort some things out.

The sixth-years shuffled into their Advanced Potions class, all looking exhausted. It was the last class on a Wednesday afternoon, meaning that they still had two more days of school before the blessed weekend, though even that had been corrupted by studying.

Lily slumped into her seat beside James, who she was honestly quite friendly with now. She helped him with Potions, and they laughed and joked around. Lily wasn't quite sure what to think of him. He seemed a lot more mature this year, and seeing him with his friends had softened her up towards him. He was still _James Potter,_ though, so Lily made sure not to get too comfortable around him.

Slughorn clapped his hands. "Today we are having a theoretical lesson about the properties of the hemotoxical venoms coming from certain magical animals so you can then proceed to learn to brew the antidotes for these venoms. This is a challenging topic, so do ensure you are taking notes. Please turn to page 417 in your textbook."

The class gave a collective sigh and began putting away their wands and equipment, hauling out parchment, textbooks, inkwells, and quills. To motivate her, Lily pulled out her Deluxe Sugar Quill she had been saving. James looked at it rather jealously, but she ignored him.

"I think we could all benefit from a seat change, wouldn't you agree?" Slughorn asked jovially, in stark contrast to the mood in the classroom. Many students perked up, but Lily's heart sank the tiniest bit. She enjoyed seeing James concentrated; the way his brow furrowed and his tongue poked out of his mouth and he rolled his sleeves up to reveal those muscular forearms-

She blinked and snapped herself out of her reverie. _What was that all about, Evans?_ Before she had time to ponder it, however, Slughorn was assigning seats. Remus and Sirius were put together, and Lily grinned despite herself. If there was a couple she had ever rooted for, it was them. James was paired with a Hufflepuff girl, Hestia Jones. Lily vaguely recognised her from being the Seeker of the Hufflepuff team. Marlene and a Ravenclaw boy were paired together. The rest of the class was partnered up.

Lily's stomach sank when she realised what was going on. Slughorn was pairing his two top students together, namely, herself and Severus. He gathered his things and dumped them on the desk, shuffling his chair closer to her. Slughorn pointed his wand at the board and notes began appearing, which Lily immediately began scribbling down. She didn't look at Severus.

* * *

Sirius was slowly going mad.

Having Remus next to him radiating warmth and a shaft of light streaming into the dungeon at the _exact_ right angle nearly killed him. There was absolutely no way he was going to absorb anything Slughorn was currently saying.

Remus took notes almost frantically, his small cramped handwriting spilling over the parchment. Ink stained the tips of his fingers and spiderwebbed across his palm. Sirius swallowed, watching his boyfriend's hands move fluidly and hurriedly, wondering what those hands would feel like-

"Mr Black!" Slughorn announced, and Sirius snapped back into the present. "Care to give an example of the effects of Acromantula venom? Or are you too busy staring at Mr Lupin's hands?"

Sirius blinked, his cheeks flushing red as Remus whipped around and stared at him. Out of his periphery, he could see Lily and several others with their hands up. Snivellus' fingertips were practically brushing the ceiling, his face malicious. "Er... I'm not entirely sure, Professor," he admitted. "Maybe try Evans though. Or Snape, he seems practically on the brink of orgasm. If he can even have one, that is." Laughter erupted amongst the class, and Sirius gave a lazy smile. This is what he excelled at, making people laugh. Slughorn, however, didn't look amused, and neither did Lily.

Snape looked positively murderous. He whipped around and leaned closer to Sirius, hissing "Think that's funny, do you, Black? I'm sure the whole class would like to know about your little familial situation. Or more precisely, the _lack_ of one."

Anger bubbled like hot lava inside Sirius, and for an embarrassing moment, he struggled for an appropriate comeback. "You don't-"

"Detention, Black." Slughorn barked out his name before Sirius could finish his sentence, and he was reminded of the time that the professor had hoped to add him to his little Slug Club, before learning that Sirius wanted nothing to do with that kind of high society his family always seemed surrounded by. Then he had offered Regulus the spot, and Sirius' odious little brother had taken it.

Sirius slumped back into his chair with a sigh, and Remus tore off a bit of parchment. _Why did you do that?_

Sirius frowned and dipped his quill in ink for the first time in the lesson. _What d'you mean?_

_Why do you wind teachers up like that?_

Sirius scoffed. _He's a bloody wanker. Just because I get good marks without sucking up to him._

Remus rolled his eyes at that and went back to writing his notes, but shuffled his chair a bit closer to Sirius, their shoulders touching, and Sirius was no longer bored for the rest of class.

* * *

The class stretched on, long and torturous. Lily tried her best to concentrate, and she was fairly sure she had managed to catch most of what was said, but she was so ready for the day to be done. She planned to take an hour to relax in the bath, then watch Quidditch practice while getting some homework done. She also was careful to keep her distance from Severus, which was hard because she was used to leaning on James' arm playfully.

The lesson finally ended, and Lily couldn't get out of the dungeon fast enough. She rose, stuffing her messy notes, quill, and ink into her bag, when Slughorn said "Your homework is to draft a potion formula for the antidote to Acromantula venom. You are welcome to work with your partners if you wish. Black, stay behind."

Severus turned to her, and Lily felt her chest tighten a bit. "Want to work together?" he offered, his voice cool and measured. Lily thought about refusing, but she quickly realised that she would definitely stand a better chance of getting an O if she worked with him.

She gave a tight smile. "Sure. When should we meet?"

He bent his head close to hers. "Ten o'clock tonight. Here." Then he straightened and strode out of the room, joining his friends. Lily stood there for a moment, processing what she had just heard. Severus didn't want to be seen with her in the daytime, lest he be labelled a 'Muggle-lover'. But the nightly potion-making stirred a memory in her. For the whole of the fourth and fifth year, she and Sev had met in a secluded bathroom to make forbidden potions. It was where she had very often fooled around with him, and nearly lost her virginity. And now he was asking her to resume the tradition.

Marlene nudged her elbow, and she turned to look at her friend. "Earth to Lily," she said. "Come on, I desperately want a snack."

Lily grinned at her best friend. "What have we got?"

Marlene linked their arms and dragged Lily towards the dormitories. "So, under Mary's bed, I think she's hidden some Pumpkin Pasties, and there are some Every-Flavour beans, but only the rather horrible ones, since her greedy arse ate the rest of them..."

As her friend kept chattering, Lily's gaze snagged on Sirius Black, who was receiving his detention with a smirk, which only seemed to annoy Slughorn more. His comment had been way out of line, though. Sometimes, Lily wondered why she enjoyed his company so much. He was the only one who had come close to understanding her family problems, and he was surprisingly thoughtful and funny sometimes, but as had just been displayed, his sense of humour was often cutting and hurtful.

She exited the dungeon with Marlene and found James outside, chatting with Hestia. His back was to her, and Lily found herself slowing down. She barely caught a snippet of their conversation when she heard him say, loudly and clearly, "Will you come to Hogsmeade with me?"

Hestia's face lit up and she beamed. "Yeah. Sure."

Lily stopped walking. Marlene's chatter eked out as she stared at her friend's face. "Lily? What's wrong?"

James, having heard her name, turned around and looked at her, all the laughter from his expression draining away. His hazel eyes shone with something, Lily wasn't sure what it was, because she grabbed Marlene's arm and steered her determinedly towards the dorms.

* * *

After receiving his detention, Sirius was completely done. All he wanted to do was find his boyfriend and snog him senseless.

He galloped up the staircases, reaching Gryffindor Tower and gasping "Dragon breath" to the Fat Lady. The portrait hole swung open, and he scanned the Common Room for Remus. He wasn't there, so Sirius ran up the stairs to their dormitory and flung open the door.

There he was. Remus was sitting on his bed, legs stretched out. His robes were off, his shirt slightly unbuttoned and tie slung around his neck. What almost killed Sirius was the casual elegance of his rolled up sleeves and the ease at which he flicked through his Charms textbook. Sirius flung himself onto his boyfriend, and Remus let out a soft "oof".

"Sirius, geroffme," he mumbled before Sirius claimed his lips. Remus resisted for a moment, feeling the pull of his homework, before completely surrendering and brushing his study materials away. Having Sirius on top of him like this, snogging his face off, so close to a full moon nearly unleashed the wolf in him. He threaded his fingers through Sirius' hair and adjusted his position so their kiss deepened.

Sirius trailed his fingers down to Remus' belt buckle and Remus could feel himself growing harder. Sirius bit and licked down his neck, and Remus arched his back, craving the contact and _focus on your breathing, goddamnit, because if you look at Sirius now you're going to_ _completely_ _lose it-_

Sirius' fingers closed around Remus' bulge, causing colours to dance in Remus' head, loosening the tether he had on his instincts. He grabbed his boyfriend's wrist roughly and pulled it up. Sirius stared at him and whined. "What?"

"You need to stop," Remus managed to say, but Sirius' lips closed in on his own again, his fingers clasping around Remus' neck, and he straddled the taller boy and began slowly moving his hips. Remus squeezed his eyes shut as starbursts exploded through his spine, and it took all his strength to not lift his hips in response.

"Sirius," he gasped. "Aah - please stop."

"Why?" Sirius whispered, licking messily around his ear, and maybe it was just this boy, because in any other situation Remus would have found that disgusting, but with Sirius it just turned him on more.

"Because," Remus ground out, "if you don't, I'm going to flip you over and fuck you until your guts are rearranged. I'm going to fuck you so hard you won't be able to walk for a week without remembering that I was inside you. I'm going to make you _scream_." he exhaled shakily.

Sirius pulled back, the blacks of his pupils completely drowning out the cloudy grey. "Fuck, that was hot," he breathed, and Remus huffed a laugh. Sirius began to grind harder, and Remus panted and clenched the sheets and restrained, and restrained-

" _Do_ it," Sirius begged, and his voice coupled with the sound of the fabric rubbing together almost drove Remus insane. "Fuck me. You want it. Merlin fucking knows I want it. _Please_."

Remus' toes curled as Sirius hit a sweet spot, and he hissed through his teeth. " _Shit!_ I can't," he croaked.

_"Why?"_

"Sirius - aahh-" He tried to detach himself, but his boyfriend captured a spot on his neck and it felt nearly too good. "Fuck, Sirius, _please listen to me_."

Sirius finally pulled back, his face flushed, stopped moving his hips, and looked him in the eyes, and Remus almost came from that glance alone. He tried to gain control over his breathing and managed to calm himself down enough to continue. "Because I might hurt you," he said in a rush. "I don't - I don't know how this works. I don't know how any of this works. Merlin, Sirius, you're the first person I've ever even kissed. And - and I'm afraid of myself when I'm around you, I'm afraid of what I might do to you, and the full moon is in three days, and-"

"Remus-"

"Sometimes the thoughts I have about you scare me," Remus confessed. "Sometimes I want to hold you against a wall and fuck you so hard I destroy you, and I want to bite you and - and of course I don't want to hurt you, at least the rational human part of me doesn't, but the thoughts - they're fucking terrifying. You don't deserve that. You deserve someone-"

"Moony-"

"And I don't deserve you," Remus kept on rambling, not even sure where he was going anymore, but faintly aware of the tears that were now running down his face. "So it's better if you just - don't."

" _Remus Lupin_ ," Sirius said, exasperated at that point. "First off, that's utter bollocks. You fold your socks, Remus, and you stack your chocolate bars and you file your notes. Forgive me if I'm not quaking at the knees at the sight of you. Second, I've been handling you in your wolf form for a while now. _I can take it,_ Moony. I can take whatever you throw at me. And fuck off with the 'I don't deserve you' shit. I guarantee I've done far, far worse things than you even know of. If anything, I don't deserve you, but since you're willing to put up with me let's not have that conversation."

Remus laughed, then quickly frowned. "What have you done?"

"Nothing at all, and don't ask James," Sirius said quickly, and Remus decided to let it go.

"So you're never going to shag me," Sirius asked, tilting his head.

Remus scrubbed his eyes. "I didn't say that. I said not now. And I'd like to be more prepared."

Sirius grinned, and Remus felt his stomach turn upside down at that smile. "Would you like me to find you a book?"

"Fuck off," Remus groaned and buried Sirius' head in a pillow. The shorter boy clambered off the bed and went to get a glass of water and Remus picked his book back up.

The door to the dormitory burst open and James tumbled in. "You two are shagging!" He accused loudly, before taking in the actual scene.

"We are?" Remus deadpanned. "Sirius, you should have told me. I'd have put down my book." Sirius snorted.

James scowled at both of them and went to find his Quidditch robes. "Fuck off. I've got practice now, so do whatever you're going to do before I get back."

"All I'm going to do is study, and Sirius is probably going to beg for my notes before giving up and following you down to the pitch," Remus said, and James dug his socks from Peter's trunk (how they had ended up there, none of them knew.)

"Whatever," he said, pulling the offending articles of clothing on. "I've got more exciting news. I asked Hestia Jones to come to Hogsmeade with me."

Sirius dropped his tumbler. "What?"

Remus stared at his friend, wide-eyed. "Excuse me?"

James gulped. "And... Lily heard me."

"Why the fuck would you do that?" Sirius demanded, rounding on James. "You know that girl likes you, right?"

James rolled his eyes. "She was busy making plans to meet Snivelly. I don't think she's showing any interest in me at all."

Remus frowned. "She told me she told him to sod off over the summer."

"Well, clearly she changed her mind," James sighed, flopping onto the bed. "I'm done pining after that bird. There's nothing _that_ special about her, right?"

Sirius and Remus exchanged looks, and James caught it. "Oh, fuck off! Hestia's pretty, _and_ she's the best Seeker in Hogwarts. We have plenty in common. Just give her a chance, would you?"

Sirius opened his mouth, but Remus quickly intercepted it. "It's good that you're moving on, Prongs," he offered, and James relaxed slightly.

" _Thank_ you, Moony," James said, grabbing his broom. "Well, see you plonkers. And enjoy your 'studying'." He exited the dorm, and Remus found himself anticipating whatever shitshow was bound to follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 15 already! My comments have been kinda dry recently so I would really appreciate it if you could leave any suggestions or discussions in the comments below! Also don't forget to leave kudos if you liked it! And late Merry Christmas :))


	16. Veritaserum: Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily discusses her feelings. Snape is suspicious.

Dorcas perched awkwardly on her bedpost in the girls' dormitory as Lily stuffed her face with Pumpkin Pasties, Marlene probed her for answers and Mary organised her Chocolate Frog cards.

"Lils, we all know you're hurt by what James said," Marlene said knowingly.

"I'm not hurt," Lily snapped brusquely. "He is perfectly within his rights to go out with anyone."

"Then why are you attacking that Pasty?" Mary asked pointedly as she disembowelled the snack.

Lily glared at her. "I'm perfectly fine, all of you!"

Dorcas slid off her seat and joined the rest of the girls on the floor. "Lils," she said, "you obviously fancy him. Just admit to us that you're hurt, and maybe that will help you get over it."

Lily scowled and picked at the carpet. "Maybe I like him," she admitted reluctantly.

Marlene adopted a shrewd expression, leaning in front of her best friend, her blonde hair hanging loose over her shoulders. Dorcas was glad. The Lily Crisis had breathed life back into her, helping her get over whatever that wanker Sirius Black had done. "Lily. Maybe you'd gotten a little too used to James always being there," she explained. "You've become so accustomed to knowing that he will always fancy you that now that he's moved on, you're feeling snubbed."

"I am not feeling snubbed," Lily protested, but it was a half-hearted protest at best. She got up and flopped onto Dorcas' bed. "It's just - fucking Hestia Jones, swooping in with her Quidditch knowledge, and fucking Slughorn too with his fucking seating plan-"

"Oh," Mary commented, licking chocolate off her fingers, "aren't you paired with Snape?"

Dorcas and Marlene both whipped their heads to look at Lily as the redhead glared daggers at Mary. " _That_ is irrelevant."

Marlene jumped up. "Oh no it isn't," she said excitedly, pacing. "If James saw you with Snape - and you agreed to meet him for Potions homework, I heard you-"

"Not this again," Lily sighed.

"Aha!" she exclaimed. "I was right. James Potter is jealous that you're shacking up with Snape again, so he asked Hestia Jones out! Great job, girls, we've cracked it again."

"I am not _shacking up_ with Severus," Lily said indignantly, but the affronted expression melted away. "Wait, do you really think so? He was trying to make me jealous?"

"I'm almost certain," Dorcas interjected, and the other girls nodded along. "Just give it some time, Evans." She embraced her friend, and all the other girls piled on in a giant hug. Dorcas realised she was pressed against Marlene, and immediately stiffened, withdrawing herself from the hug. She averted her eyes, instead searching for her satchel. "Well, the Charms homework isn't going to do itself."

* * *

At seven o'clock, Lily met Remus outside Gryffindor Tower to begin their patrols. Lily looked forward to these hours spent with her friend, chatting and sharing Liquorice Wands and the occasional nip of a drink. (She had no idea where the boys got it from, but she wasn't about to complain.)

Today, Remus seemed more preoccupied than usual, and she caught him drifting off into a daydream, a lazy smile stretching over his face, more than once. Lily had her own thoughts to ponder, so they passed the hours in mostly companionable silence.

Around the quarter to ten mark, fifteen minutes before their patrol ended, they were walking near the Slytherin Common Room. Lily saw some Slytherins: Rosier, Avery, and Regulus Black.

"Oi! It's after curfew," Remus called, walking towards them. "You should be in your common room by now."

Rosier sneered. "And why should we listen to you?"

"Because we're Prefects," Lily said. "And we will give you detention."

Avery laughed cruelly. "Oh really? Well, soon, Mudbloods like you won't have any say in anything." He drew his wand and stepped threateningly towards her.

"Petrificus Totalus!" Remus shot, and Avery fell to the ground. "Ten points from Slytherin for being out past curfew, and twenty for the language. Now get inside before I-"

Regulus Black drew his wand, digging it under Remus' chin. "You'd better-"

"Black!" Lily turned to see Severus storming towards them, his wand raised. "Rosier. Get inside, now, and take him with you." He nudged Avery with his shoe. The junior Slytherins hurried inside, dragging their friend with them.

"Lupin," Snape spat at Remus, then largely ignored him. "Lily, if you wanted to get an early start on Potions-"

"Right," Lily said quickly, unable to stand the tension between the two boys. "Let's go." She marched to the dungeons, not looking at either of them.

* * *

Soon, they were bollocks-deep in textbooks, parchment, diagrams, and calculations. The tension between them had slowly decreased as time wore on, both of them sharing their passion for potions, something that had united them since the first year. They had just about finished drafting the antidote, Lily mentally congratulating herself for the decision to work with Severus. Whatever that could be said about him, he was certainly quite a brilliant potion-maker. Lily stretched, then looked at the clock. It was nearly half past eleven. "Well, Sev, I'd better be getting back."

"I wanted to show you something," he volunteered quickly, grabbing her hand and dragging her to one of the rooms off-shooting from the main Potions classroom. Lily didn't try to resist. He unlocked the door and led her inside, revealing a small cauldron with something colourless inside.

Lily frowned, curiosity spiking in her. "What is it?"

His cheeks were flushed. "Guess."

She raised her eyebrows, but leaned forward, smelling. It was odourless, but paired with Severus' excitement and secrecy, the answer came to her almost immediately. "Merlin. Did you brew Veritaserum?"

He grinned. "I knew you would get it."

She stared at him. "Sev - how? How did you get permission, and what are you going to use it-"

"Isn't it exciting, Lily?" he asked, cutting her off. "To broach the realms of potion-making. To push the definition of impossible? To _use_ your talents for a bigger purpose?"

Alarm grew in her. "Severus, you're acting strange."

"I have the permission," he waved her concerns off. "And I don't know what I'll use it for. It doesn't matter, really. The point is, _I did it._ "

"Yes, you did," she agreed uncertainly. "But I really must go, now..."

"Goodbye," he muttered, giving his precious potion a stir. Lily backed out of the chamber and didn't stop walking until she reached the safety of her dormitory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 16 done! I can't wait for part II ;) please leave comments and kudos if you enjoyed it, also belated happy new year!


	17. Pre-Hogsmeade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius has a nightmare and turns to a loved one for comfort. Marlene gets over her grudge.

Sirius knew he was dreaming. He knew it, yet somehow he didn't, because if it really was a dream, how did it feel so real?

_His mother stood in front of him, looking much, much, bigger than usual. Sirius could see every sharp line in her face, every bone-white tooth. Her wand was held in front of her, and Sirius couldn't help shuddering. That gnarled, twisted stick had been the instrument of so much of his childhood torture, so it made sense it haunted his nightmares now._

_"_ You are not my son _," his mother hissed, and Sirius felt vines creep around his limbs and torso, trapping him. He looked around and realised with no small amount of horror that he was a part of the tapestry. His family tapestry. He struggled, but the vines only tightened._

_"Your name will be erased," Walburga Black promised, and she jabbed her wand into him. A burning pain shot through Sirius, searing his every nerve ending. "You will not exist."_

_"Please," Sirius gasped against his will, "don't do this."_

_"_ You. Are. Nothing. _"_

_Sirius watched his limbs dissolve, melting under him and disappearing from existence. He tried to move, but couldn't. Panic filled him. "Please! Mother-"_

_She snarled and waved her wand once more, blinding, blistering pain-_

Sirius awoke, gasping, remnants of imaginary pain still searing through him. He struggled out of his twisted bedclothes, falling through his curtains and onto the floor. He stumbled over to the bed next to him and climbed in.

* * *

James heard the thump first, but was then woken by a large shape pressing into his bed. He rubbed his eyes, finding Sirius there.

He frowned. "Sirius, are you-" Then James saw the tears on his best friend's face. "Shite, mate, are you alright?"

Sirius shook his head and crawled under the blankets, and James moved over to make room for him. "Want to talk about it?"

Sirius took a shuddering breath. "She was - she was burning me," he whispered. "Off the tapestry. So I didn't exist. So I'd never exist, I'd never be a reminder of their failure-"

"Shhh," James said, wrapping his arms around his friend. Sirius got nightmares often enough that James knew what to do, but that didn't change the burning anger in his chest. How dare the Blacks mistreat Sirius like this? How dare Walburga and Orion abuse their son, their wonderful, smart, caring, funny, idiotic son?

Sirius' skin was sweaty, but freezing to the touch. From what James could see, his eyes were wide, and his teeth were chattering faintly. James pulled his friend closer towards him. "You're safe here. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

Sirius buried his head in James' chest, breathing deeply. "Talk to me. About something else. Anything else. Please."

"Right," James said, fumbling for something to say. "Well... what about the Hogsmeade trip?"

Sirius nodded, still staring resolutely at the mattress.

"I'm going with Hestia, obviously," James continued, trying to make what he was saying more interesting than whatever was going through Sirius' head. "And - I'm not using her, am I? I do think we'd be a good match, she's hilarious and great at Quidditch, but - well, Evans isn't going to go out with me, I think I've accepted that."

"Have you?" Sirius asked, withdrawing from the embrace and propping his head up on his hands, elbows resting on the pillow. He was looking a little less pale and more interested, to James' relief. "It seems like she's still the front and centre of your thoughts, mate."

"Well-" James didn't know how to reply. "She went out with Snivelly, for Merlin's sake!"

"She went with him to do _potions homework_ , you wanker," Sirius reminded him.

"It doesn't matter. Point is, we were almost getting along, and then Slughorn went and changed the seats and ruined everything and I swear I heard Snivellus and Lily laughing and chatting in the potions room."

Sirius turned to him, incredulous. "What on earth were you doing there?"

James flushed, picking at a loose thread on his pillow. "Well... I was possibly hanging around in the Cloak?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You're hopeless."

James whacked him on the head. "I am not! Anyway, Lily's too far gone. I might as well go out with Hestia. Maybe it'll make her jealous enough that she'll come around."

"So you _are_ using Jones."

"Am not! I just said we would be a good match!"

"But you're doing it to make Evans jealous."

"How do you know what's going on with her, anyway?" James demanded crossly. "You and Moony both. Hanging around her constantly, acting like you're such great friends. When did that happen?"

Sirius snorted. "Well, I assume Remus and Lily got friendly through being Prefects, and Evans and I bonded over horrible relatives."

James stared at him. "Did you really?"

"Yeah, it was a hell of a night."

James scowled. "You could have come to me. And I was offended when she knew about Marlene and Remus before me."

"She knew about Marlene from Marls, not me, you plonker. And Remus told her about him and I."

James turned away crossly. "Even so. I'm hurt."

Sirius prodded him in the back, and James could hear the smile in his voice. "Oi, come on, Prongs. Don't be a prat. I still love you best."

That softened James, and he turned back around. "Love you too, Pads."

Sirius grinned, which widened into a yawn. He slumped against James' pillows. "I'm knackered, and we've got Hogsmeade in the morning. Night."

James wanted to make a comment about Sirius remaining in his bed, but realised that he loved it. Though they were rather too big to be squished up like this, he enjoyed the feeling of his best friend right next to him, like real brothers. He snuggled down next to Sirius, not even minding the silky black hair in his face. "Night, Padfoot."

* * *

Remus woke up to a greyish sky and excitement building in the pit of his stomach. He knew he was too old to be this exhilarated about a Hogsmeade trip, but this would be his first one with Sirius. Their first real date.

Remus bounded out of bed, instantly regretting it when his knee twinged unpleasantly, but even the old wound from the full moon wasn't enough to damper his mood. He rustled through his trunk, putting together the perfect outfit of a turtleneck, Gryffindor scarf, jeans, and the Doc Martens he had convinced his mum to get him over the summer. He fussed around with his hair for a while, before giving up and just ruffling it.

An knock sounded on the bathroom door. "Remus? Are you in there?"

"Coming, Peter," he replied, tugging his boots on and lacing them up messily. He pulled the door open, facing Peter clutching his socks and still in his pyjamas. "Are you alright, Wormy?"

Peter blinked a little. "You're all leaving me," he complained. "You and Sirius are going out - which is still really weird, by the way - and James is going out with that Hufflepuff girl, and I have no one to go with."

"Cheer up, Wormy," Remus said, trying not to dwell on Peter's comment about him and Sirius. "I'm sure Dorcas, Marlene, Lily, and Mary will let you hang around with them. You'll be the one getting all the girls."

Peter seemed to brighten a little. "S'pose I will. Thanks, Moony." He went into the bathroom and shut the door.

Shacklebolt's bed was empty, as usual (he often slept in the Ravenclaw dorms, which seemed against the rules but no one objected). James and Sirius' hangings were still drawn shut, so Remus went to his boyfriend's and pulled them open. Sirius wasn't there. His pillow was rumpled and there was a dip in the mattress, but he wasn't there. Remus frowned slightly, going to pull open James'.

The two boys were curled up into each other, Sirius' head tucked under his best friend's chin. James' arms were around the slightly shorter boy, and their legs were tangled. James was snoring. Remus smiled slightly at them, his two best friends in the whole world, trying not to let the jealousy that Sirius went to James instead of him rear its ugly head. "Oi! Get up, we're leaving in an hour."

Sirius groaned, shifting and throwing James' arms off him. "Prongs, you wanker, stop snoring in my ear."

James mumbled inaudibly and pushed Sirius off the bed, where the boy landed with a thump.

"Both of you, get up," Remus prodded them, trying to get them to get dressed. Eventually they all made it down and joined the other Gryffindors for breakfast.

Marlene was grinning, holding a small bag. "Mum and Dad sent me thirty Galleons for my birthday," she said happily, looking around at her friends. "So I'd like to treat you all to the Three Broomsticks at four o'clock for a Butterbeer and a bite."

"Oh - right!" Remus exclaimed, slightly ashamed that he had forgotten, Marlene was the oldest of them. "Happy birthday, Marls! Sorry, I didn't get you a present."

"That's all right," Marlene smiled at him, clearly too happy to care. "I'm of age now, which means that I can do magic outside of Hogwarts!"

Sirius cleared his throat awkwardly, handing her a small box. "Happy birthday, Marlene."

The sixth-years went silent, glancing between the two of them. Everyone was aware of the conflict (except maybe Peter, who was still eating his bacon).

Marlene took it, eyeing him a bit frostily. "Thanks." She opened the box, then gasped as she lifted out a stunning silver pocket watch with intricately carved woodland scenes. "Oh my god, Sirius, this is brilliant!"

He grinned abashedly, fidgeting with his fork. "Glad you like it, Marls."

"I do," she said, and then leaned over and hugged him. It was a bit fiddly with the table between them, but the sentiment shone through. Sirius was quite clearly forgiven.

The air rushed back into the scene, and everyone started talking and laughing and admiring the watch. Rounds of "Happy birthday, Marls!" echoed throughout the table, and Marlene beamed as people showered her with gifts and Lily led a chorus of the birthday song.

Remus and Lily were called to organise the third-years and help Filch, so the group was broken up, but between Marlene's smile and the happy chattering, everything seemed all right.

At least for the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 17 done! I'm happy with how it turned out, but it's mostly a transition chapter :) the next one will be in Hogsmeade and the one after that will be Veritaserum part II.


	18. Hogsmeade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The shitshow goes down.

The weather was blisteringly windy, the type of wind that froze your fingers and cut straight through your clothes, no matter how many layers you were wearing.

Dorcas shivered, wrapping her cloak tighter around her, wishing she had taken Lily up on her offer of a warming charm. There was no point asking now, of course. Lily was busy taking the third years into the village the long way.

Mary grinned at the other two. " _Frank Longbottom_ asked Lils out, did you know?"

Marlene rolled her eyes. "I do know, she'd told us at least ten times. No more talking about boys on my birthday."

"Even Sirius Black?" Mary teased, bumping her shoulder against Marlene's. "What went on at breakfast? Are you two together again?"

Marlene glared at her. "No, obviously not! I just forgave him, that's all."

"Forgave him for doing what, exactly?" Mary probed, and Marlene stiffened. Dorcas eyed her, wondering what was going on.

"None of your business," Marlene snapped, pushing a hurt Mary out of the way and forging forward. Dorcas pushed past Mary and hurried after Marlene.

"Marls! Wait up," she huffed, finally catching up to her. Dorcas grabbed Marlene's cloak and swung her around to face her. "What's wrong?"

Marlene's eyes were red. "I can't tell you. I can't tell anyone."

"You don't have to tell me what happened," Dorcas said, blowing into her hands to warm them up. "Just tell me how you're feeling."

Marlene's eyes immediately filled, and Dorcas' widened in concern. "Marls! Wait, come here." She grabbed her friend's hands and pulled her onto a sheltered bench, waving Mary on subtly when she reached them. Mary just raised her eyebrows and continued to stalk past, Peter catching up and beginning to chat to her.

Dorcas turned back to her friend. "Marls, talk to me."

Tears finally spilled over Marlene's cheeks, and Dorcas had to marvel at how this girl managed to look so perfect even while crying, her blue eyes wet and shiny. "It's just - I know this is stupid, but-"

"Don't apologise for your feelings. I'm here to listen to them, no judgement."

Marlene blinked rapidly. "I know that I've gone out with many boys. Probably too many, according to my mother. But - I don't think any of them have ever even liked me."

Dorcas frowned in bewilderment. "What do you mean? You have half the boys in our year and all in the year above tripping over themselves to go out with you!"

Marlene sniffled. "They all want a snog, or a shag. None of them care about me, none of them like me for _me_. And I'm beginning to think no one ever will."

Something seemed to be tearing in Dorcas' chest. It was a cruel kind of torture to have the girl she loved (yes, loved, Dorcas had been sure since the moment they met back when they were eleven) lament to her about love life insecurities while she, Dorcas, was sitting there, trying not to let her bleeding heart show.

_Did she have the courage to confess back?_

"Marls-" Dorcas chewed on her lip, trying desperately to think of something to say that wouldn't expose her and would make Marlene feel better, "those boys are all utter prats. You shouldn't - you _can't_ base your self-worth on those gits."

Marlene half-laughed, half-sobbed. "True. Fuck men, amirite?"

Dorcas internally slumped with a massive sigh of relief. "Yeah. Yeah, 'course."

"Love you, Dorcs." Marlene hugged her friend.

Dorcas tried not to stiffen. She hated being hugged by Marlene, hated the feelings that came out in her, the places her mind went to. She pulled back in what she hoped was a subtle way, seeing Marlene's frown once she was out.

"Dorcas-"

"Marls! Dorcas! Are you twats done yet?" Mary yelled at them from the other side of the street. Dorcas leapt up immediately, crossing the road and entering the warmth of Honeydukes gratefully. She could feel Marlene's eyes on her, but chose to ignore them.

* * *

After the third years had been safely escorted, she left Remus with a wink and a suggestively whispered "have fun." He had blushed and swatted at her, but she was already ducking out and walking away.

Her good mood quickly evaporated when she saw James grinning and talking to Hestia Jones. He laughed at something she said, and she grabbed his arm, eyes sparkling.

A sudden pain in Lily's palm caught her off guard, and she unclenched her fist to find several crescent moons ingrained in her skin from her nails. Rubbing her hand, she scowled and continued forward, pointedly ignoring the two of them and wrapping her scarf tighter around her.

She met her friends in Honeydukes, Peter chattering to Dorcas, Marlene sometimes interjecting. Mary was browsing the selection of nougats. Lily threaded her way through a group of third and fourth years, joining her friends. "What did I miss?"

Mary thumbed towards the others. "Marlene had a breakdown, Dorcas was comforting her as usual, Peter just showed up."

Lily frowned in alarm. "Marlene had a what?"

Mary shook her head dismissively, checking the price of a chunk of nougat. "She's fine now, I think. Apparently, it's 'none of my business', so I wouldn't care."

Lily studied her friend. "Ok, what happened?"

"Nothing happened," Dorcas said from behind them, and Lily spun around. "Marlene was just a bit emotional when Mary brought Sirius up, that's all. Mary, get over it."

Lily's eyes widened in realisation as she figured out what Marlene had been upset about. "Oh. Ohhhh."

Mary nearly stomped in frustration. "Why does everyone know what's going on except me?" she demanded crossly.

"Calm down, Mary," Dorcas said. "I don't know why she was sad either. It's not a big deal."

Mary softened fractionally, and Lily knew she had to get her friend's mind off the topic before she went too far. "Mary, what nougat are you leaning towards?" This seemed to distract her fairly well, and soon the girls and Peter were out of Honeydukes and back in the brisk weather.

Mary had cheered up and was chatting to Peter and Marlene, while Dorcas hung back. Lily slowed down and walked next to her friend. "Alright, Meadowes?"

Dorcas gave her a small grin. "Fine."

Lily bit her lip. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, Lils. Don't worry."

Lily decided to drop it. "How's Care of Magical Creatures coming along? I know you were really excited about that class."

Dorcas lit up in a way that was unique to that subject. "It's absolutely brilliant. We're learning about how to care for XXXXX rated creatures, dragons and stuff." As Dorcas continued chattering, Lily allowed herself to stare up at the pale blue sky and tune out slightly. She didn't want to think of James Potter, that was for sure. How could she have allowed herself to fancy him? _Potter_ , who had done everything short of _harass_ her from the second year to the fifth. Just because he was acting a little less obnoxious now didn't mean that he had changed in the slightest.

* * *

James was actually having a good time. Hestia was fun and bright, and he tried his level best to keep his mind off Evans.

"Where d'you want to go?" she asked, eyes sparkling.

He laughed. "Anywhere but Madame Puddifoot's."

"Merlin, yes," she replied, taking his arm. "Where else?"

That's when he caught sight of Lily, storming away, her red hair fluttering in the breeze. He chewed on the inside of his cheek.

"Er, James?" Hestia prompted, tugging on his arm.

"Sorry," he said, blinking. He looked around the village, then had an idea. "Er. Would you want to maybe. Go somewhere we're not exactly allowed?"

She grinned back at him. "Absolutely. Lead the way." James was very aware of her arm in his, but tried not to show it.

The Hog's Head was nearly empty, it being a Saturday morning. A very hungover-looking barman manned the bar, and James sidled up to it and held out a few Sickles. "Two Firewhiskies, please."

The bartender grunted, but set about making their drinks. James took a seat next to Hestia. "I hope Firewhiskey's ok."

"We won't get in trouble? I do want to remain Quidditch Captain, you know."

"We'll be fine. Besides, it's not like you're captain of a team that actually matters," he teased.

She swatted him. "We're playing you in a week, James Potter. I wouldn't bite off more than you can chew."

James raised his eyebrows, pleasantly surprised at her spark. "Oh really. You think you can play better than us?"

"Oh, definitely," she shot back, eyes twinkling, as the bartender set two glasses of whiskey before them.

James held his up, swilling the amber liquid inside. "Cheers."

"Cheers," she said, then downed it all in one go. James, who had barely taken a sip, gawked. "Oh, stop it, Potter. I've drank before. Just because I'm a Hufflepuff doesn't mean I'm the epitome of pure."

"I never said it did," James countered, then swallowed all of his as well. It burned his throat horribly, and he did his best not to splutter, waving to the barman for another round. Then he remembered the last time he drank. "Want to play a game?"

* * *

At four o'clock, Remus and Sirius made their way to the Three Broomsticks for Marlene's birthday. It had been an idyllic day. They had taken a short hike in the hills nearby, both of them thriving on the wind, then stopped by a small cafe for lunch. Sirius had absolutely loved it, a small Muggle establishment where he and Remus had sat at a table together and laughed and held hands. They had snogged in the shade of the trees nearby after lunch, eventually growing sleepy and napping, curled in Remus' radiator-like embrace.

Sirius pushed the door open. The pub was rather crowded, but it was relatively easy to find the girls and Peter sitting in a booth, a large box in front of them. Lily jumped up when she saw them. "Remus! Sirius! How was your day?"

"Excellent," Sirius said, flashing her a grin. "Marls, how was your birthday so far?"

She smiled. "I haven't had the chance to actually spend any of my birthday money, since my brilliant friends bought all of my purchases for me. I'll pay it back now, though. Do you know when James'll be here? We can cut the cake and order drinks then."

"He'll come soon," Remus said, checking the time. It was now 4:05. It wasn't like James to be late. "Any idea where he is?"

The girls shook their heads, but they needn't have worried as the bell on the door clanged loudly. James stumbled in, his arm around Jones' shoulder, his face very red. Lily stiffened at the sight of the other girl.

"Happy birthday, Marls," he said loudly, collapsing into a seat and dragging Hestia with him. "Is that a cake? Excellent, cut me some."

Marlene eyed him, and Sirius squeezed his eyes shut in exasperation. "James, mate, are you drunk?"

"I'm fineeee," he mumbled.

Hestia giggled, tugging at his hand. "Jimmy, you said there'd be cake."

"You weren't even invited," Lily snapped, and Mary turned to look at her incredulously. It wasn't like Lily to be spiteful.

Luckily, Hestia didn't seem to hear, and Remus forged ahead. "Marls, shall we cut the cake?"

They did, and plates bearing a delicious caramel sponge were passed around. They all dug in.

Hestia and James giggled, eating with their fingers and feeding each other little bites. The others tried to carry on a conversation, but Lily looked so livid that Sirius was embarrassed on his friend's behalf. What was he thinking?

James belched loudly, and Hestia laughed. "Jimmy-"

"No one calls him Jimmy, you slag," Lily muttered poisonously, and Hestia did hear this time.

She rose unsteadily to her feet. "What did you call me?"

Lily bit her lip, hard. Before she could say anything, though, Marlene interjected with a nervous laugh, gripping her best friend's forearm. "No fighting on my birthday, please."

Hestia grinned at her, sitting back down. "Wasn't going to, don't worry." She turned to James and kissed him full on the lips, then slumped back, looking very pleased with herself. Sirius didn't want to look at Lily.

James looked as shocked as everyone else at the table did, his eyes wide and staring into Hestia's. She made a tiny head motion, and then they both got up. "Happy birthday, Marls," James said again, still looking into his date's eyes. "We'd better go now. See you later." They exited the pub, and all the Gryffindors immediately exploded into a cacophony of noise.

"Did you see-"

"How dare he-"

"They were pissed!"

"She's such a-"

"Alright, everyone, calm down," Marlene said quickly. "We don't want the whole pub to gossip about this. Let's all have another slice of cake, ok?"

As everyone heeded her words, Sirius exchanged glances with Remus and Peter. Whatever had happened to James, they needed to do something about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaahhh I'm excited to see where the Jily/Dorlene stories go next! The next chapter will be veritaserum part II so more focused on wolfstar. please leave comments and kudos if you enjoyed it!


	19. Veritaserum Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus finds out.

After James and his _date_ had left, the party had awkwardly resumed and quickly broken up. The girls had walked back to Hogwarts, Marlene trying to chat and Lily storming ahead. They all sat in the common room awhile, without James obviously.

Wanker.

"Hey, Pete, d'you know where Prongs is?" Sirius called across the room, flipping a page in a book.

"Nah, sorry," Peter replied, eating yet another custard cream.

"Probably off shagging that slag," Lily muttered, a little too loudly.

Sirius got up. "What?"

Lily rolled her eyes and got up too. She had been absolutely itching for a fight. "I said, he's _probably_ off _shagging_ that _slag_."

"Oi, what's your issue with her, anyway?" Sirius demanded, and it seemed like the whole common room was listening. "James has asked you out countless times, you can't possibly be jealous!"

Lily almost physically recoiled. "I am not fucking _jealous_!"

Sirius laughed humourlessly. "Oh yes you are. You've been pursued by James for so long, now that he's moved on, you're literally green-eyed. Poetic."

"Sirius," Remus warned quietly, but they both ignored him.

Lily's ears burned as the common room erupted into whispers, and her fist itched to slam into Sirius' face. What did he know, anyway? How dare he come here and simplify her actions, her feelings? Lily knew she was being a bitch to Hestia, but she didn't care. She didn't have to rationalise her emotions to _Sirius Black_ , of all people. "I would sooner be jealous of Hestia Jones than I would shag _you_ , you wanker," she shot back, and the common room gasped.

He laughed. Of course he did. "And how close to that are we, Evans?"

This time she really did slap him. He stepped back, his grey eyes glittering, cupping a hand to his cheek.

" _Shut your fucking face, Black_ ," Lily hissed at him. "You don't know anything. Stay out of my business and stay out of my life."

"Except it's not just your business, is it?" Sirius challenged, something sharpening in his face. "You insulted James, and that makes it mine too."

Lily rolled her eyes. "So now Potter needs a guard dog?"

At that moment, James entered the common room, only for everyone to turn and stare at him. He smiled tipsily. "What's going on here?" He looked up and noted the scene. "Pads, Evans? What's going on?"

"Are you still fucking drunk?" Lily demanded, storming towards him.

He stared at her. "I'm-"

"Are you? Because you turned up to Marls' birthday party late, pissed, and with your date who wasn't even invited. Have you even apologised to her?"

James' hazel eyes widened, and Lily did see some remorse in them, but she didn't care. "I'm - I'm sorry, Marls. For spoiling your party. I really - I didn't mean for it to get that out of control, I promise. Can I make it up to you?"

Marlene chewed her lip, not wanting to be dragged into the drama. "That's ok. You can buy me a Chocolate Frog the next time there's a Hogsmeade trip."

"Thanks. Sorry again."

Lily scowled, annoyed that he had apologised and been forgiven so quickly. Now she had nothing to be angry about.

"Ok, time for bed, I think," Dorcas said quickly, grabbing Lily's arm and dragging her towards the dorm. Lily allowed herself to be taken. Was Sirius right? Was she jealous of Hestia?

The common room burst into loud chatter immediately after she left. Before entering the staircase, Lily turned around, and saw James, looking utterly stricken.

Lily went to bed absolutely furious at everything.

* * *

Remus stirred his porridge, adding honey and jam to the top. James wrinkled his nose. "Honey _and_ raspberry jam?"

Remus turned to stare at his friend indignantly. "Got a problem, Potter?"

Sirius showed up to the Great Hall at almost exactly the same time as Snape appeared at the Gryffindor table, wearing his usual green tie and scowl. Sirius wrinkled his nose. "Ugh, awful stench around here this morning."

Snape sneered, then turned to Lily and said something to her, which Remus tuned out. He preferred to focus on his breakfast, which he was currently shoveling into his face. Sirius grabbed the glass of pumpkin juice that was already sitting on the table and drained it. "Morning, Moons."

"Morning," Remus said.

James began to talk about Quidditch cheerfully, as if last night hadn't happened, and Remus could see that Lily was paying attention, though she tried not to look it.

"Oi, shut up, Prongs," Sirius said good-naturedly, biting into a piece of bacon. "We all know you're just trying to diffuse the tension from last night, and it's not working. Just kiss and make up with Evans already."

James, Lily, Marlene, Peter, and Remus turned to stare at him in shock. James found his voice first, raising it over Mary's giggling. "What-"

"We all know you still want to," Sirius drawled. "You told me when you came to my bed last night."

Mary choked on her tea, spluttering, and Dorcas slapped her back. James looked panicked. "What? You don't-" he turned to Remus, pleading. "What's wrong with him?"

Remus shrugged, and Sirius continued. "You also told me that you dream of Evans-" he was cut off by James clapping a hand over his mouth, the boy with glasses turning bright red.

"Sirius," Remus said, lowering his voice, "shut the fuck up, please."

Sirius swallowed the bread, turning to his boyfriend. "I can't," he said. "I don't - he did something to me!" he pointed at Snape, who was laughing at James' humiliation.

Lily's eyes widened, and she leaped up. "Severus - you didn't."

"Didn't what?" James asked, but they both ignored him.

It hit Remus, then. "Shit. You used Veritaserum on him."

Snape chuckled darkly. "Let's ask him, shall we? Black, what's your deepest secret?"

Sirius bit his lip, looking like he was seriously considering all the options. Remus ran through them in his head. _I'm an illegal animagus. My best friends are illegal animagi. My boyfriend is a werewolf. I have a boyfriend, by the way. My parents disinherited me._

"Well, I'm a-"

"Silencio!" Remus said sharply, pointing his wand at Sirius, and Snape's laughter increased. Remus grabbed Sirius by the arm, muttered "fix this mess" to James, and dragged his boyfriend back up to Gryffindor Tower.

Somewhere on the stairs, the silencing charm wore off. Sirius was now in a giggly mood. "Moony, did you know that your arse is your best feature?"

Remus went bright red as he continued dragging Sirius. "No, I didn't."

"I would have answered him, you know," Sirius continued.

"I know," Remus grumbled, leading him to the safety of the dorm.

"Do you want to know what I would have answered with?"

Remus raised his eyebrows. "Do I?"

"I didn't mean it." Sirius flopped onto Remus' bed, spreading his arms, his onyx hair splayed around him.

"Mean what, Pads?"

"That night in the bathtub. When I said I loved you."

Remus' stomach sank, but he tried to mask it. "I know you didn't mean it, you told me later."

"No, no," Sirius waved him off. "When I said I didn't love you, I didn't mean it. I did. I do. But when you took it back, I realised that I would have to as well."

Remus turned to him, his heart swelling. "What-"

"And I thought of you. When I was shagging her. I only thought of you, I wished it was you the whole time."

Remus' head spun slightly and he lowered himself onto the bed next to Sirius. "Pads-"

Sirius turned to him, and all the thoughts eddied out of Remus' head, his voice trailing off, entranced in the beautiful grey clouds that were his boyfriend's eyes.

"I want you to fuck me," Sirius confessed, pupils blown wide open. "Now."

Remus blinked. "What - what about classes?"

"Forget classes," Sirius said vehemently, crawling towards Remus, "fuck me. Please."

"You're sure? What if I hurt you?" Remus asked, trying to restrain-

" _Yes_ , and I trust you, you idiot," Sirius whispered, and their lips crashed together messily, all tongues and teeth, and Sirius twisted so he was reclining on the pillows and Remus was over him. Remus entwined his fingers in Sirius' silky hair, and Sirius' hands roamed over his boyfriend's back, eager to touch.

In hindsight, what happened next could have been blamed on the truth potion. It could have been blamed on the fact that the full moon was two days away. But really, it wasn't any of that. It was just Sirius and Remus, two boys who loved each other, colliding with the brightness of the moon and the stars.

It was messy and uncoordinated and there was a fair amount of laughter and gasped confessions on Sirius' part, but through it all, the veneration and love shone through.

After, they lay on the bed, sweaty and flushed and grinning and staring into each other's eyes. Remus snuggled into his boyfriend, feeling closer to him than he had ever felt to another human being in his life. It was bewitching, almost, the way Sirius moved, the way he touched, the way he felt. An overwhelming wave of protectiveness surged through Remus, and he nosed into his boyfriend's neck, trying to mark him. Remus, through his heightened sense of smell, could sense his own scent all over Sirius' body, and he wanted to keep it that way.

"That was - you're beautiful," Sirius breathed, and Remus' skin sparked at his touch. "I'm almost glad Snape spiked my breakfast."

Remus huffed a laugh, the adrenaline draining away. "Well, it wouldn't have been fun if he had found out some of our secrets."

Sirius gave a muffled yawn, his eyes fluttering shut. "He already knows you're a werewolf, though."

Remus' blood froze. "What?"

But Sirius was already asleep, and if Remus knew anything, it was that there was no point trying to wake Sirius Black up.

He clambered out of bed, feeling waves of heat and cold pulse through his body. How the hell did Snape know? And if he did, why didn't the whole school?

* * *

James was munching on a bun at first break, and was Peter worriedly reviewing his Charms homework.

Remus strode towards them, and James looked up. "Moony! Where were you in Transfiguration? McGonagall asked, I had to make up some excuse about you two being sick. Pads ok?"

"How does Snape know I'm a werewolf?" Remus demanded, and James went white.

"Sirius told you?"

"I'm asking the questions here," Remus said, trying to keep his voice even. "How did he find out?"

"He came to the Shrieking Shack," Peter burst out, and both the others turned towards him. "In September. James rescued him."

"In _September_?" Remus had to consciously lower his voice. "What the fuck? How did he know?"

"Sirius told him how to get past the Whomping Willow," Peter said, and both James and Remus stared in shock.

"What?" James exclaimed. "He didn't tell me that! Shit."

"I was there," Peter explained. "Snape said something about his family, and Sirius nearly exploded, but he told him how to get past the Whomping Willow."

The blood seemed to have slowed down in Remus' body. _No. Sirius wouldn't have done that. Sirius-_

"Moony, you ok?" James asked worriedly.

"He-" The words seemed to be sticking in Remus' throat. "He used me. He used me against Snape. He-" The tears sprung into his eyes. _No. Not again. Not-_ "Fuck!"

Peter gulped. "I'm sure he didn't-"

"No," Remus choked. "Stop making excuses for him. He was willing to let me bite Snape - he was willing to get me thrown into Azkaban - just for some petty revenge."

"Remus, I don't think he was thinking that much," James' eyes were wide.

"No, that's the problem, isn't it?" Remus said bitterly. "He never fucking thinks."

"Moons-"

"Thank you, James," Remus said coldly, his resolve solidifying. "You probably saved both our lives."

"Remus-"

"I'll see you two later." With that, he walked off, managing to keep from crying until he reached a bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're nearly at chapter 20! I'm excited to see where this storyline goes. please leave comments and kudos if you enjoyed it!


	20. Aftermath Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is angry. James is confused. Dorcas alienates Marlene.

After calming down fractionally, Remus stormed back to the dorm. He flung open the door to the dormitory and was met with the sight of a sleeping Sirius, laid out on his bed.

He could smell himself all over Sirius. Remus' saliva shining at the corner of his mouth, his sweat handprinted over the planes of his body, his come leaking from between Sirius' legs.

Sirius was beautiful. He was chiseled and symmetrical and whole and unmarred, the sharp lines of his cheekbones and jawlines melting into the smooth planes of his chest and abdomen, sloping into the V where his thighs met, a line of coarse black hair trailing down from his navel. His blankets and hair strewn around him, he looked peaceful, merely existing.

Sirius was an ancient statue come to life, though even the master sculptors couldn't have improved on him. He was physical perfection. Though Sirius had seen him starkers far too many times, Remus had felt almost self-conscious, showing his gangly limbs and scars to this Adonis.

But he had. Remus had shown Sirius everything, every trauma and secret and shame and existential fear. And Sirius had thrown it all back into his face.

Rage rose in Remus, a wet anger that seemed to want to rip out of his every orifice. He marched over to Sirius and ripped the blankets off him.

Sirius' eyes opened, eyelashes fluttering, and his face softened from confusion into a smile. "Hiya."

Remus stared at him, chest heaving, not sure what to do. Sirius tilted his head slightly, a post-coital expression still on his face. "Moony?"

Remus felt every tendon of his heart stretch at that simple name. How dare Sirius do this? Betray him like this and then act like such a fucking-

"I-" Remus couldn't finish his sentence. He grabbed his satchel and fled from the room, cursing his weak resolve and traitorous heart. He couldn't confront Sirius Black. He couldn't-

He burst into Charms ten minutes late, but Flitwick merely waved for him to take a seat. He occupied the one next to James, who looked at him, concerned. "Remus, you alright?"

"I'm fine, and I'd prefer it if you don't bring it up again. To... him or I."

James frowned, concerned. "Have you confronted him?"

"That's none of your business, and I'd like you to stay out of it. Now can I please take my notes in peace?" Remus snapped uncharacteristically. James raised his eyebrows, but did as his friend said.

* * *

With all the business between Sirius and Remus, James had nearly forgotten about Hestia Jones.

James hadn't been lying when he said that she was pretty, because she was. She had sparkly honeyed eyes and shiny brown hair with a smattering of freckles across her nose, and if James was being completely honest? Her tits were fabulous, probably the best in the year.

He hadn't been lying when he said she was nice, either. She was reasonably funny and laughed at all of his jokes. She didn't like fighting, and she was always up for a bit of fun. It didn't hurt that she played Quidditch, too.

But the undoubtedly best thing about Hestia Jones? She liked James back. James was rather sick of being rejected and turned down by Lily. And why not, after all? Why shouldn't he go out with someone who liked him?

Of course, that was before James realised how Lily would act.

She could spin it in any way she liked, it was fairly obvious she was practically green in the face with envy. There was a fair amount of anger there as well, as James knew he hadn't behaved very well at Marlene's birthday celebration. But then, she had seemed to be far angrier at Hestia than at him, which was what had gave it away.

Before James had had the time to fully review the evidence and examine its implications, however, Hestia ambushed him during lunch.

"Hi, Jimmy," she flirted blatantly, resting a hand on his shoulder.

James fidgeted uncomfortably. "Er... just James is fine, Hestia."

"Sorry," she said, not looking sorry at all. "So, I was wondering... d'you want to maybe practise Quidditch sometime? As a date?"

Fuck.

"Er... I'm-" James scratched the back of his neck. "I'm... busy, sorry."

"Oh." Hestia looked crestfallen, and James felt slightly bad.

"It's just... I don't think our last date went particularly well," he tried to explain, then immediately regretted it. "Wait, that wasn't what I meant-"

"Never mind, forget I said anything," she said quickly, and walked back to her table. James sighed and decided to confront Lily eventually about this mess, though he wouldn't admit that he realised she was jealous, because that just seemed like a prick move. He plopped down next to Peter. Neither Remus nor Sirius were there.

"Hi, Prongs," Peter said gloomily, shoveling roast potatoes into his mouth.

"What's up, Wormy?" James tried to push his own worries out of the way.

"Oh, nothing much," Peter responded, but James could see that was plainly untrue.

"You can tell me, Pete."

"I'm sick of being the odd one out," Peter burst out frustratedly. "You all planned the Halloween prank without me. You got _Lily_ instead of me. I thought we were the Marauders for life, but now you're all abandoning me, all with dates and stuff! And Sirius and Remus are-" he shuddered slightly " _together_ , and it's so _weird_ , because now - well, they're not - they're not the same as us, they're not like normal blokes-"

James stared at his friend. "What?"

"Well - I meant-"

"Peter," James said softly, struggling to keep his temper, "they are normal blokes. They're just boys who like other boys. There's nothing different about them, and if I hear you say that one more time, I'll be really fucking angry."

Peter chewed the inside of his cheek, clearly having expected James to agree with him. "But-"

"No buts," James almost growled, then filled his plate and scooted towards Marlene, chatting with her immediately. He didn't look at Peter or Lily.

* * *

Remus curled on a sofa in the common room with his History of Magic textbook and a quill. He'd been avoiding Sirius all day, even going as far as to skip lunch, which was practically blasphemy for him. He had spent the rest of the day trying to quell his growling stomach.

James was off at Quidditch practice, and Peter was somewhere, Remus didn't have the energy to find out where. He was seriously craving chocolate, but was too lazy to go up to the dorm and break into his stash.

The common room was reasonably full. There were a couple of first years playing chess, NEWT and OWL students studying, and third years polishing their brooms. So when Sirius swung in, everyone looked up, then went back to doing whatever they were doing.

"Hi, Moony," Sirius sank into the crimson sofa, a dopey grin plastered onto his face. Remus had to stop himself from recoiling. "I got you some chocolate."

At the smell of the chocolate, the good kind with swirls of caramel through it, Remus had to stop himself from salivating. "I don't want it."

Sirius frowned. "What?"

"I said," Remus turned to him coolly, "I don't want your chocolate."

Sirius stared at him, the hurt and shock obvious on his face. "Why not? It's your favourite."

Remus looked into those grey eyes and steeled his resolve. "Take that chocolate and shove it up your arse," he hissed, before getting up and going out the portrait hole, leaving whispers in his wake.

* * *

Dorcas lay in bed that night, wide awake.

While Mary and Lily usually closed their hangings, Dorcas and Marlene often left theirs open, preferring to soak up the light of the now almost-full moon. It was too cold to open the windows now, much to Marlene's chagrin.

Dorcas turned to look at Marlene, only to find her friend awake and staring back at her. "Hiya, Dorcs."

Dorcas blinked, startled. "Hi. You're awake?"

Marlene flounced out of bed and jumped in beside her, jostling the mattress. "Obviously."

"What're you doing up?"

"Wanking, mostly," Marlene grinned, enjoying Dorcas' embarrassment. "It's one of the underrated pleasures of life, the female orgasm."

Dorcas flushed, wishing for all the world that she was not having this conversation. "I wouldn't know."

"What?" Marlene turned to her, smirking. "Really? Do you not-"

"I don't like to," Dorcas said quickly, before Marlene could probe any further. Dorcas was slightly scared of wanking, and of shagging, and of all the delightful things the other girls often spoke to such volumes about. She didn't know exactly what it was, but there was almost an expectation when you drifted into that area; an expectation that it would feel good, an expectation that you could please yourself. In her limited ventures, nothing had felt great. Then there were the thoughts that came with it, and Dorcas felt like a creep. So she stopped.

"Are you-"

"Can we _please_ change the topic." Dorcas murmured, picking at a loose thread on her pillow. Marlene seemed to take pity on her.

"Sorry." she said, and she did look apologetic, which Dorcas appreciated. "What d'you want to talk about, then?"

"Practically anything else," Dorcas muttered, trying to shift away from Marlene as the blonde threw an arm over her. "S'cuse me."

"Ok," Marlene said, annoyed, retracting her arm. "Let's talk about something else. Let's talk about why you never touch me. What is it? Are we just not that close? I thought after six years we might be closer than that."

Dorcas tried to avoid her eyes. "I don't _never_ touch you."

"Yes, you do," Marlene insisted. "You're always hugging Lils and Mary, but stiffening when I link arms with you or hug you. Don't try and deny it. Am I just that repulsive?"

Dorcas wanted to laugh with how wrong she was. "Marls - it's - I don't-" she couldn't think of what to say.

Marlene bit her lip and rolled away, her blue eyes shining slightly. "It's fine. It's up to you who you want to hug, anyway." she settled back into her own bed as Dorcas tried to think of something, anything, to say.

"Marls-"

"Good night." she said, and for the first time in a long, long, time, Marlene McKinnon shut her hangings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 20!! i'm definitely going to keep going, I have some really exciting ideas for the future :) please comment if you're enjoying it! i get serotonin from every interaction :) have a good week!


	21. Tension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has problems with everyone. Except Mary, which is ironic, because she's the one who thrives off drama the most.

The Gryffindor sixth years were tense the next morning at breakfast.

There was Remus, who wouldn't look at Sirius, who was doing everything he could to capture the other boy's attention. There was Dorcas and Marlene, who acted civil towards each other but anyone with half a brain could tell that there was something wrong. There was Lily, who refused to interact with James, who refused to interact with Peter. Poor Mary just sat there, shovelling bacon into her mouth and pointedly chatting with a fifth year.

Remus pulled a bowl of porridge towards him when Sirius offered him the jam. He ignored it and ate his porridge without jam. It was disgusting.

Peter tried to give James his sausages, but James merely took them from the serving dish. Peter sank lower into his chair, refusing to look at Remus and Sirius.

Dorcas tried to scoot towards Marlene, but the blonde girl shuffled away from her.

Lily picked at her toast, looking miserable.

When the bell for first class finally rang, most of the sixth years went their own ways, which was a relief to them all.

* * *

Dorcas was working on her Magical Creatures report in the library, the only piece of homework she had that gave her an ounce of joy. She had decided to focus on dragons, which may have been overdone, but she was specialising on a pygmy dragon which she wanted to argue shouldn't be classified as XXXXX. It was a fulfilling and engaging project, one she had been looking forward to all week. One she was glad she had to take her mind off things.

Lily plonked into the chair beside her, which gave a plaintive creak. She dug her books out of her bag and dipped her quill in ink. "Hiya, Dorcas."

"Hi," Dorcas replied shortly, before scribbling down a sentence.

"So..." Lily said, obviously trying to remain casual but failing hopelessly, "what's up with you and Marls?"

Dorcas snorted humourlessly. "She didn't tell you?"

Lily looked at her. "I'm asking you, Dorcs."

Dorcas studied her textbook, not taking in a single word. "Nothing's up."

"D'you think I'm stupid? Something's obviously up. You can tell me."

Dorcas seriously doubted she could, and Lily's know-it-all approach was beginning to annoy her. "You know what, Lily? If you don't have anything better to do, I can think of about a thousand things that would be more productive than you trying to analyse my life."

Lily narrowed her eyes. "I'm not trying to-"

Dorcas plunged her quill into the pot, splashing ink over the table. "Look, why don't you focus on your own deep-rooted insecurities and fancies before you dig into mine, that's all. Now if you don't mind, I actually have some work to do, so if you're going to stay here, I would like it if you did in silence."

Lily opened her mouth, then closed it, and seemed to think. Then she opened it again. "Right. Sorry."

Dorcas continued writing, trying not to let it show how close she had come to spilling her guts.

* * *

Remus lounged on his bed, trying to memorise the dates he needed for his history test when it started to snow. He loved the first snow of the year. When the whole world was painted white, like a fresh, clean canvas that was ready to be painted on. Of course, by February, he would be sick of it, but now, it was perfect.

Today was also the full moon, and the snow helped Remus cheer up a bit. It didn't ease the ache in his bones, though.

James sprawled on the floor, muttering something about principles under his breath. Remus was glad he didn't take Advanced Transfiguration. It would have been the death of him. Too much Arithmancy.

Sirius burst into the room, his scarf wound chaotically around his neck, his cheeks flushed a bright red. "Come on, get up! It's the first snow of the season!"

"Some of us care about our marks, Pads," James groaned, flopping over. "Not all of us can pass without studying."

"Bold of you to assume I'm going to pass," Sirius quipped back. "Well, at least it will incense my parents. I'll take what I can get."

Remus clenched his fists, hard, trying to contain his anger. "If you've got nothing better to do, can you get out?"

Sirius stared at him, and James looked nervously between the two of them. "On second thought, I will go take a break," he said quickly, getting up.

"I'll come with you, Prongs," Remus offered, but James was already gone, and Sirius was blocking the door.

_All right, let's have it now. As good a time as any._

"What's wrong, Moony?" Sirius asked, running a hand through his hair worriedly.

Remus snorted, resting his forehead against the cool glass of the window. It seemed to wick away the edge of his temper.

Sirius sighed frustratedly. "Why aren't you talking to me? Is this because of what happened?"

Remus said nothing, again. Was Sirius really this dense?

"Because - I confessed everything to you. I told you I love you, Remus. And then - and then you shagged me, and it was so good, I'm not saying it wasn't, but - I wake up, and you're gone, and then you're back, but you don't talk to me, and I'm left there feeling incredibly stupid and used and - and hurt. What was I, a one-time shag? A pump and dump? And then you can't even look me in the eye and tell me you're over me, you humiliate me in front of the entire common room-"

"Shut up!" Remus snarled, unable to take anymore. He ran a hand over his face. "Just - shut up, for once in your fucking life. But you can't do that, can you? You get angry, and then you just fucking blurt something out, damn the consequences."

Sirius' face seemed to go slack, then taut. "...oh."

Remus clenched his teeth so hard he felt like they were going to snap. "How could you do that, Sirius?"

Sirius' eyes were wide, his chest rising and falling alarmingly quickly. "I didn't - I didn't think he would actually be stupid enough to come. I didn't tell him anything about you, I swear - just about the tree. I didn't know-"

"YES, YOU DID!" Remus yelled, slamming his fist into the bedpost, feeling a certain clarity from the starburst of pain that erupted from that point. "Why would you even tell him if you didn't know he would come? If you weren't trying to use me as a weapon, as an instrument to exact revenge-"

"That wasn't what I meant!" Sirius said defensively. "I just meant for him to try to go near the Whomping Willow any other time of any other day, and hopefully get smacked around by the tree a bit. I swear, I swear on my fucking life, I didn't mean for him to discover you. I didn't - ask James, I was the one holding you back, I was so angry at him for trying to expose you. I swear. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry - please believe me."

"You still knew it could happen," Remus panted, not knowing what to do with himself. Every bone ached, every muscle and every joint and his head spun and he was blinking too fast and the whole room was spinning and he lurched forward and saw Sirius flinch back hard, and Remus immediately felt guilty, though he was feeling too nauseous to really do anything about it. Like a fucking knight in shining armour, James burst into the room and caught Remus as he fell, laying him on the bed.

"Alright, Lupin?"

"He's not to come," Remus managed. "If he comes, I'll tear him to bits. Please - make sure he doesn't come."

"Ok," James said soothingly, lifting Remus up and throwing the Invisibility Cloak on them. He shot Sirius a look as they left. _You better fix this soon._

Sirius was left standing alone. He kicked his trunk hard. "Fuck!"

* * *

The pack was wrong that night, Remus could sense it. Something was missing. Someone was missing.

The three animals raced into the Forbidden Forest, galloping and running and scampering. Remus was searching, searching for the dog. He wanted his pack to be complete. He needed it.

Moony raised his snout and howled, hoping beyond hope that the pack would be complete that night. He jumped, but the Prongs' heavy hooves hit him squarely, and he fell back down, winded. _Where was Padfoot?_

But the black dog never came that night, and for the first time since the summer, Remus woke up with deep scratches that would become large scars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so excited to write this chapter that it just kind of happened like an hour after the last one. keep the comments coming, they make me so happy! and kudos if you liked it :P love you all


	22. Aftermath Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily and James make up. Remus discovers something about Sirius. Regulus appears.

Sirius had never felt worse in his life.

Well, that wasn't exactly true. His father placing a sticking charm to his hand until he finished completing the Black family's expansive account books was almost definitely worse, as was the time his mother stabbed the family dagger through his hand.

But this was his fault. It was completely his fault, and for the first time in his life, he had no one else to blame.

What had he been _thinking_?

It had been James' idea not to tell Remus, knowing it would only make him guilty for no reason. Sirius didn't know what Dumbledore had told Snape when that greasy boy undoubtedly went to him, but it seemed to have kept his mouth shut.

Sirius had never regretted an action worse than this, and it wasn't just because of the consequences. He didn't know why he had done it, not when there were so many other things he could have done. But he had wanted Snape to get hurt, _really_ hurt. Which the violent tree would have achieved.

He hadn't even thought of Remus.

Of course, now Remus was all that was on his mind.

He missed that boy so much, and he had no one but himself to blame.

* * *

Sirius apologised countless times throughout the next week.

"Sorry," was mouthed as they brushed their teeth, Sirius managing to capture Remus' gaze shortly in the mirror. "Sorry, Moony," was panted as they walked to Potions, Sirius struggling to keep up with the taller one. The stupid boy even drew it on a stack of pancakes, which Remus pointedly ignored.

Remus didn't care. If Sirius had truly thought of him, or even fucking _thought_ , this mess wouldn't have happened. Remus could have been sent to Azkaban, and Snape could have died or been turned. Entire lives would have been ruined, and Sirius just opened his mouth and blurted the first thing that came to his mind.

He could say sorry all he liked. Remus refused to forgive him.

* * *

James was so relieved when the week leading up to the Christmas break finally rolled around.

They sat at the Gryffindor table for lunch, the mood subdued. Dorcas and Marlene still weren't talking like they usually did, but they managed to hold a conversation with Mary. Lily rebuffed any attempts at chatting. Peter had apologised to James, but it was a half-hearted apology at best. Still, James was desperate for the tension to lessen, so he forgave him.

Remus still refused to talk to Sirius, and James' best friend was tripping over himself trying to apologise. James could see they were both miserable, and he might have been eavesdropping on their conversation earlier in the dorm. He had tried to talk to Remus.

"You know he didn't mean it, right, Moony?" James had attempted.

Remus had looked up at him, glowering. "Have you really come here to defend him?"

"No, 'course not," James had hastily backtracked, trying to think of something else. "It's just - you've got to forgive him eventually, haven't you?"

This was evidently the wrong thing to say. "No. I don't."

So now they were sitting on opposite ends of the friendship group, Sirius trying to move closer and Remus doggedly shuffling away. James sighed. The tension could have been cut with a knife.

Sirius' eyes widened, and he sat up straight. James hastily turned around, and all the sixth years' attention was captured by Regulus Black walking up to the Gryffindor table, holding up a piece of parchment with the Black family crest stamped in green. "Sirius."

James could see his best friend's eyes cloud with nervousness, though he masked it fairly well. "What? You're her messenger now, too? Would have thought they're rich enough to buy one of those."

"She knew that you wouldn't open it if it came from an owl." Regulus held the parchment out, but his brother refused to take it. He gave up, setting the scroll on the table. "They want you home for Christmas."

Sirius' eyes darkened. "So officially writing me out of their will wasn't enough? They're expecting me to come back now?"

"You're still their son, Sirius," Regulus said. "They haven't disowned you-"

"-yet-"

"-and they want to try again."

Sirius scoffed and snatched up the scroll, breaking the seal and scanning the parchment. "They're pulling the legality card. 'You're not of age.' Bollocks. Tell them-"

"Sirius, please. Just - do as they say, just this once." Regulus captured his brother's eyes, and they seemed to have a silent conversation, throwing insults and pleas and counter-arguments.

Finally, Sirius sighed. "Fine. Leave, now."

Regulus chewed his lip, but did as his brother said, stalking off back to the Slytherin table. Sirius slumped, exhaling, passing the letter to James. "Buggering fools." Underneath his nonchalance, though, James could sense his fear.

"Sirius, if you don't want to go, I'm sure Mum and Dad will-"

"No, it's ok," Sirius said. "I'd better go, to see what they want."

"If you're sure," James relented, and he could have sworn he saw Remus listening in.

* * *

Lily sat in the common room, attempting to knit after Marlene told her that it was supposed to be therapeutic for nerves. Lily didn't have _nerves_ , exactly, but the knitting certainly didn't help. If anything, the endless loops of wool and the constant gaps and knots in her pathetically short scarf made her only more twitchy. Lily was very much inclined to completely unravel the mess, but with a short, humourless laugh, she decided that maybe she would give it to Petunia.

With a scoff, she tossed aside the damned thing, almost into the fire. Mary rescued it at the last second, eyeing her with concern. "Lily, are you quite alright?"

"Alright," Lily huffed. "What a strange word."

Mary rolled her eyes. "Lily, answer the question."

"Fuck off," Lily said almost lazily, wishing she were drunk. She really, really, wanted to be drunk, but had no idea how to set about finding any alcohol worth drinking.

Mary's eyes travelled upwards, and Lily automatically followed her gaze, only to find James Potter standing awkwardly above them, his hands clasped behind his back. "Er. Lily. Can - can we talk?"

Lily had to swallow back a retort, but she got up. "May as well."

They exited the common room, and Lily looked at him properly. He was in his Quidditch robes, which was exceptionally irritating, because he looked criminally good in those robes. They hugged his broad shoulders and muscled torso, and-

Goddamn it, Evans, focus.

"What do you want?"

Lily saw his Adam's apple bob in nervousness, but she didn't care. "It's... ever since the time I asked Hestia out, you've been... odd." Lily wanted to laugh, but he quickly added, "I've... broken up with her, by the way."

Lily hated him so much in that moment. "Why would I care about that?"

He backtracked hastily. "I just wanted to let you know, that's all."

She snorted. "Well, consider me in the loop, then." she turned to go back to the common room.

James sighed. "What's your issue with me, Lily?"

She whipped around, her hair flying around her. "What?"

"I've tried to be decent this year. I haven't asked you to go out with me once. I haven't touched, or even really spoken to Snape. I've tried to be better, I really have, I even tried to move on because I thought that was what you wanted, but that made you angry too-"

That was it. She had had enough. " _God_ , Potter!" Lily yelled at him, and he stepped backward. "Are you really this fucking dense?"

He stared at her, trying to discern her inner workings. " _What_?" he said back, eyes wide with confusion. "What do you want from me? What do you want me to do?"

Lily wanted to cry. What was she supposed to say to him? _I finally realised I almost fancy you, and you asked out another girl. I was about to admit it, and then you left._ But she couldn't say that. She couldn't say anything of the sort, because she knew she was in the wrong. She knew the painful unfairness of the situation she had put him in, and the least she could do was relieve the tension. She sighed, slumping against the wall, and rubbed a hand across her face. "I'm sorry," she said, and James stepped closer in concern.

"You alright, Evans?"

"I'm sorry," Lily repeated. "I've - I've been horribly unfair. Can we start over? Forget this whole horrible mess?"

James smiled, and stuck out his hand. "Hi, I'm James Potter. Nice to meet you."

She rolled her eyes, but smiled and took it. "Hi, I'm Lily Evans. I think I'll call you Pain in the Arse, though."

He fell back against the wall, mock-wounded. "All right, Miss Evans. If that's how it's to be."

"It is," she said, and they laughed, and Lily felt a slight weight off her chest.

* * *

They made their plans. Remus was going home for Christmas, he'd spent the last one at James' house and his mother insisted. At James' invitation, the sixth years all decide to meet at the Potters' residence for the New Year, but Remus felt a little queasy about that, since Sirius was going to be there.

No one was paying attention in classes anymore, and Remus was completely sick of the Marauders. James had told him about what Peter had said, and ever since then, he hadn't been able to look the smaller boy in the eye.

One night after patrol duty, Remus promised to wait for Lily outside the loo. He leaned against the cool stone walls, trying not to probe into the mess of emotions that lay underneath his sternum. _Focus on your breathing, Lupin. In and out._

What was taking Lily so damned long? Remus wanted to go to bed, but dreaded seeing Sirius there. He tapped his foot impatiently, then heard a noise down the corridor. Remus peered down, but didn't see anything.

"Lily?" He asked cautiously.

"'M still in here," she replied. "I'll - er - be a while, sorry."

Remus sighed internally, but drew his wand. "I heard something. Be back in a bit."

"Wait!" she called. "Isn't that a bit dangerous?"

"I'll be fine," Remus assured, and set off down the corridor before she could argue with him.

A classroom door stood slightly ajar, and Remus peered inside cautiously, before his eyes widened. Sirius was lying on one of the tables, his head hanging off the edge, his limbs spread out and splayed. His eyes were closed, but Remus could tell he wasn't sleeping.

The cupboard in the corner of the room rattled again, and Sirius opened his eyes, getting up slowly, his motions slow and heavy. He flung the doors open, and there was a sudden flurry of movement, and Remus saw - himself.

Remus could hardly believe his eyes, but a boy of the exact likeness of him climbed out of the cupboard. Sirius' jaw was slack, his eyes wide, his chest rising and falling quickly. He fumbled for his wand, but the false-Remus opened his mouth. "You're worthless."

Remus could only stand and stare in shock as his alter ego kept talking. "You're just like the rest of them, the rest of your pathetic little _family_ ," he sneered, advancing on Sirius, who was backing away. "I've never loved you, and I never will. You're not worth love, or trust, or friendship. I regret every moment I've ever spent with you. I will never forgive you."

Sirius finally fell to his knees, and Remus could hear the tears in his voice. "I'm sorry. Please. Please-"

"I don't care how sorry you are. I. Will. _Never_. Forgive. You."

That's when it hit him.

Remus forced himself to move, his useless unresponsive legs to propel himself as far away from that classroom as he could possibly go. Lily was standing outside the loo, her eyes narrowed in suspicion, then concern as he ran towards her. "Remus - are you alright?"

Remus grabbed her elbow and kept running, her half-jogging beside him. "Remus!"

"Please," he gasped. "Can we - go somewhere. Away. Please."

Lily bit her lip, but tugged him along. "I know a place."

* * *

The Room of Requirement, or the Come-and-Go Room, as it was sometimes called, often evaded its seekers. But either the elusive room took pity on Lily and Remus, or they were just lucky, because they found it without too much difficulty.

Lily dragged her friend, who was now almost hyperventilating, into the room, which presented itself as a cosy chamber with cream walls and a pillowy bed and sofa. And - thank _Merlin_ \- there was alcohol. A bottle of champagne, a flask of Firewhiskey - and-

"Is that a _spliff_?" Lily asked incredulously, as Remus collapsed on the sofa and put his head between his knees. He slowly looked up at her.

"If it is, hand it over."

Lily raised her eyebrow. "Er... are you sure? Are you in the best state-"

"I honestly don't fucking care," Remus said, holding out his palm. "Please."

Lily snorted and slumped next to him, lighting two of them in her mouth and handing one to him. "Fine. Ready?"

They both inhaled, and immediately began coughing. Remus reached out and thumped Lily's back ineffectually. After a few more puffs, they both got a little more used to it, and Lily went to fetch the flask of Firewhiskey.

She took a long gulp, then handed it to Remus, who drank and kept drinking and didn't stop until the flask was empty and tossed aside. She stared at him. "Remus, are you ok?"

"Not even a little bit," he moaned, and sagged into her lap. She stroked his hair.

"Tell me what's wrong, Rem."

He nestled into her skirt. "Sirius..."

Lily sat up a little straighter. "What? Are you finally going to tell me what's going on between you two?"

Remus coughed a little. "Do you want the long version, or the short one?"

Lily gestured with her spliff. "We have all night."

Remus half-groaned. "Well, after the truth-potion, we went up to the dorm, and er..."

Lily grinned despite his mood. "Oh, do go on."

Remus' cheeks stained. "Er... we shagged."

" _Remus Lupin_!" Lily exclaimed, nearly pushing his head off her lap. "How was it?"

Remus laughed. "It was... brilliant. Beyond brilliant. I don't know how to describe it, Lils... it's-"

"All right, I think I understand," Lily chuckled. "What happened next?"

The smile completely melted off Remus' face. "He accidentally admitted something awful he did, I confronted him later, he apologised profusely, but I can't forgive him, I _can't_ -"

"Rem. It's ok. If you don't think he deserves to be forgiven, I believe you."

Remus' features contorted in a painful grimace. "It's not that I believe he doesn't deserve it - it's that - well - oh, fuck, Lils, I don't know! I don't know what-"

"Remus."

He was crying now. "And - and just then, I saw him, and I saw _me_ , and I was his fucking Boggart, Lily, telling him he would never be forgiven, and what the hell am I supposed to do now? Shit! Shit. Shit, shit, shit-"

" _Remus_ ," Lily said more forcefully, shoving another flask into his face, taking a long drag of her spliff. "I don't know what to do, but I can help you get pissed."

Remus gave a low laugh, accepting the drink. "Might be the best solution." He drank, and Lily blew smoke out of her mouth. "I love you, Lils." And then, "you don't have to say it back."

"I love you too, you idiot," she said, and leaned down and kissed him on his shaggy hair.

* * *

They woke up with crippling hangovers, tangled in the bed, and both threw up several times. Luckily, the room seemed to sense this and provide bottles of hangover potion remedy, so they were slightly better when they crept back up to Gryffindor tower.

One thing the room had not provided them with was a clock, and the common room was full when Lily and Remus walked back in with messed hair and rumpled clothes. Lily's stockings weren't put on properly, and Remus' tie was loose, something neither of them, usually sticklers for uniform, had ever done.

The rumours spread like wildfire.

The look on James' face was incomparable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 22 people. i do like this chapter but i mostly wrote it watching tv with my family so it's an odd, patchy one. hopefully you still like it. as always leave comments and kudos for your girl's serotonin hits and validation. love you all and stay safe.


	23. Leaving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and James talk. Dorcas and Marlene make up. They all head back home for the Christmas holidays.

"James," was the first word that fell from Remus' lips as he ran after the more athletic boy to the Gryffindor boys' dorm, ignoring the eruption of gossip that trailed in his wake. His knee ached, but he ignored it, scaling the stairs. James slammed the door in front of him, and he wrenched it back open, finding James fallen back on his bed.

"James," he panted, holding onto the doorknob. "I didn't - we didn't do anything, I swear-"

James barked out a brief, humourless laugh. " _Merlin_ , Remus, I know."

Remus stopped short. "You do?"

James rolled over so he could no longer see his friend's face. "Yeah, of course I _know_. I'm not fucking stupid. Besides - you're queer, aren't you. That's not the issue here."

Remus blinked. "...what is?"

James scrubbed a hand over his face, knocking his glasses slightly askew. "Nothing. I'm sorry. Nothing's the problem. If Lily is that great of a friend that you can get pissed and open up to her, that's great."

It slowly began to dawn on Remus that James wasn't jealous of him, he was jealous of _Lily_. "I - I just thought-"

James sat up. "I know it's hard for you, and I know it's not your fault, but it's hard for me, too. To stay between you two, to keep the peace, to glue us all together. I feel like I'm being torn to bits all the time. It's exhausting."

Remus chewed on his lip. "I'm sorry, Prongs."

"And then you and Sirius don't come back, and I'm worried out of my mind here-"

"Wait," Remus said. "Sirius didn't come back?"

James looked at him. "Er, no."

Remus forced himself not to care. Forced himself to shove that feeling down, because he knew it would only end up hurting him. "Well. I'm going to go to the kitchens to see if I can get anything to eat."

"Ok," James said, rolling over again and closing his hangings.

* * *

Packing was all in a flurry in the sixth-year girls' dormitory. Marlene looked up as Lily stumbled in, her hair a mess, her stockings not pulled up properly. " _Merlin_. What happened to you?"

Lily groaned and collapsed into a bed. "Fuuuuck."

Excitement sparked in Marlene as she bounded over to her best friend and thumped next to her. "Did you get fucked?"

"What?" Lily asked, raising herself up onto her elbows. "No, 'course not."

"Then what happened?" Dorcas piped in.

"Nothing much, actually," Lily said, kicking her shoes off her feet. Mary squawked in outrage as one of the offending objects landed in her open trunk, and went to fish it out. "Remus was upset, he wanted to get pissed, I went with him."

Dorcas' expression sharpened. "Did anything happen between you two?"

"What?" Lily and Marlene whipped around to stare at her, then started laughing.

Dorcas frowned, annoyed. "Well, sorry I'm not privy to all your little secrets."

Lily stopped giggling immediately. "Oh, don't be like that, Dorcs," she butted her head against her friend's arm.

Dorcas softened. "It's fine, Lils." Marlene snorted. Dorcas immediately tensed, looking at her, then away.

Lily narrowed her eyes, her green gaze flicking between them. "Alright, both of you are going to sit here and sort whatever this mess is out. Right now. I don't care what your problems are, you'd better get over it before we leave for Christmas. Come on, Mary." Mary for once didn't argue, and the two of them flounced out of the room.

Dorcas sighed and flopped back onto the bed, Marlene sitting up and watching her.

Looking at her friend, lying on the bed, softened Marlene's heart fractionally. Dorcas was spread out, the cold sunlight filtering through the windows and setting her warm caramel skin alight. Her thick, dark, brown hair curled just past her shoulders, shining softly in the light. She opened her eyes, her lashes casting shadows over her cheeks, her deep black eyes taking Marlene in. "Why are you angry at me, Marls?"

Marlene swallowed. "Er. I'm-" It took a little while for Marlene to register what she had said. "I'm not. I'm sorry."

Dorcas narrowed her eyes slightly, and Marlene took that as an opportunity to continue. "I shouldn't be angry over who you decide to touch."

Dorcas gave a small half smile, sitting up. "It's all right." Then, in a moment that Marlene combed back over many times in the near future, Dorcas stood up, chewing her lip, crossed the room, and walked into Marlene's arms, squeezing her tightly for a half second. Then she let go and strolled out of the room.

Marlene stood, rooted to the spot, trying to figure out what had just happened, and why her stomach had swooped like that. _What the fuck?_

* * *

The end of term came about, and everyone crowded onto the Hogwarts Express, the Prefects running around and trying to organise everything. James loaded his smaller suitcase onto the train, getting snow all over himself as he did. He, Peter, and Sirius managed to get a compartment nearer to the back, next to the girls'. Remus and Lily arrived, brushing snow out of their hair, Remus took one look at them and immediately disappeared into the girls' compartment. Lily lingered, then decided to come into the boys'.

James' eyes widened in surprise as he hastily pushed Sirius off the bench, making a space for her. "Evans! Not that it isn't nice to see you, but what're you doing here?"

Lily bit her lip, then seemed to decide to speak. "Well, Remus took my spot in the other compartment, so I'm here for now."

At Remus' name, Sirius started to pay attention, the tips of his ears colouring. "Is... is he-"

"And another thing," Lily continued, turning to him. Sirius swallowed. "I don't know what you did to him, he wouldn't tell me, but whatever it is, you'd better fix it, Black. I know we argued in the common room, but I don't really care about what grievances you and I have, he's miserable. You can all tell, can't you?"

Sirius' features were twisted painfully. "You really think I don't know that, Evans? You really think I'm not trying at every chance I get to apologise? You think I'm not sorry? You think I'm not miserable, too?"

Lily looked at him. "I don't care what happened. You're the one who did the wrong, and you're the one who has to right it. That's all I have to say. Bye, boys. See you on the twenty-eighth." She exited the compartment, her long red plaits swinging behind her, and then she was gone.

James exhaled, propping his feet up where she had been. "Say what you will about her, Lily Evans gets shit done."

Sirius gave a wry, humourless laugh. "You can say that again." His smile quickly melted off his face, replaced by an expression of despair. "Fuck, what should I do? What do I have to do to show him I'm really, really sorry?" He looked helplessly to James and Peter. "Please, help me out here."

Peter was suddenly very interested in his box of Every-Flavour Beans, but James took pity on his best friend. "Sirius, mate, this is _Remus_ we're talking about. He can't even hold a grudge against Snape. He'll forgive you eventually, don't worry."

Sirius sighed and rested his forehead against the ice-cold glass of the window. James had never seen him this worried. Usually if his family was bothering him he was able to brush it off fairly quickly, jumping headfirst into whatever plot or scheme the Marauders were cooking up, but now, he never even seemed to properly laugh. James hoped with all his might that this rift between his two best friends would mend before the New Year, because otherwise, it would be absolutely bollocks.

* * *

It was cold on Platform 9 3/4, but not as cold as Hogwarts, so most of the students were alright in their winter cloaks. Parents came to collect their children, and James was absolutely delighted to see his beaming parents standing with open arms. He launched himself into his mother's warm hug unashamedly, and withdrew with pink cheeks, grinning.

"James, you look so much older!" Euphemia gushed, and Fleamont clapped his son on the back. James kissed his mother on the cheek and pulled back, catching a glimpse of Lily. She was looking at his family, a faint smile on her face. She quickly averted her gaze when she saw him looking.

James observed his friends. Remus loped towards his mother, smiling, and enveloped her. He was almost two heads taller than her now, but still folded into her hug like a little boy. Peter's older sister was there to collect him, and she threw an arm over his shoulders. Lily was received by no one, but linked arms with Mary. They were probably meeting their families in the Muggle King's Cross station. Dorcas and Marlene both met their parents, Marlene with her older brother as well.

James looked around for Sirius, then spotted him being met by his parents. They stood, tall, stately, cold. Walburga opened her arms to her son, and folded him stiffly into an embrace, which Sirius didn't protest. Regulus handed their suitcases to their house elf, and the four of them marched off. The look of fear was impossible to mistake on Sirius' face, and James sincerely hoped he had made the right decision to go marching into the lions' den.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 23 done~ I'm so excited for their winter break! I've got so many ideas and so many scenes planned out in my head :) i hope you enjoyed it! Please leave comments and kudos because they make me so happy :) love you all and stay safe


	24. Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sixth-years send letters to each other, detailing their Christmases.

22/12

_Dear Marls,_

_How're your hols going? Mine are an absolute pain, I'll tell you that much. Mum and Dad are alright, Dad's been asking me a lot of questions about being a Prefect, probably because that's something he can actually relate to. Mum's mostly giving me grief about missing Petunia's stupid engagement party, something she SPECIFICALLY ASKED ME TO DO. Tuney keeps thinking I'll snitch on her, but I won't. If not only to ensure relative peace in the household._

_Christmas Eve is going to be a complete nightmare. Petunia's fiance, Vernon, is coming over, and he's such a twat, you would laugh. He works in a drilling company, of all things. Can one get more dull?_

_Tell me what you want for Christmas, and I'll be sure to place an order soon._

_Lots of love,  
Lily._

* * *

23/12

_Dear Lily,_

_Please, please tell me more about your sister's fiance. He sounds like a delight._

_My hols are ok so far. Henry is busy boasting about being drafted for Puddlemere, he's gotten tiresome very quickly, but he is helping me in Beater skills (because I know you can't comprehend any more Quidditch terminology than that) which is good, I suppose._

_Dad's a bit upset about my marks, so I've mostly been studying. It's an absolute pain in the arse. Please send help, and entertainment in the form of your to-be brother-in-law. Also, a new set of coloured inks would be lovely._

_See you soon.  
Marlene._

* * *

22/12

_Dear Sirius,_

_How've your holidays been going? I hope your family hasn't been too bad. I've mostly been in the grounds, Dad's cast this fancy charm to make it not snow on the pitch. I'm working on some new strategies, we've got to ramp up training programs if we're to get ahead in the league._

_I'm looking forward to Christmas, Mum has baked some of her amazing gingerbread and has promised to let me and Pete build a house. I know we're a bit old for that, but nevertheless. I've made him promise to save you some for when you come over. Can't wait for then._

_Remember you can always use the mirrors, Sirius. Mine's always on my person. Send a message if you need anything._

_James._

* * *

25/12

_Dear Marlene, Dorcas, and Mary,_

_Well, it happened. I finally formally met Vernon Dursley. And let me tell you, the man is something, alright._

_It started with his clothing. He was wearing a mustard yellow suit and a porkpie hat. To Christmas Eve dinner with his fiancee's family! It was a little ludicrous, but we shouldn't judge a man by his clothes, so I'll continue._

_He talks about his godawful drills for an hour. I don't pretend to fully understand drills, but after last night, I don't have the desire to. Even my father was looking bored. Tuney, on the other hand, was hanging off this fool's every word, dripping and gushing and it was rather nauseating._

_Just as I thought it wouldn't get much worse than him droning on, my mother brings up me. Me being a Prefect, and my school being a little 'different'. Petunia looked horrified, and quickly tried to change the subject, but Vernon already knew about me, you see. He got very purple and swelled up like a balloon and let me tell you, holding in my laughter at that moment was the most difficult thing I have ever done. Dad managed to change the subject deftly, but Vernon didn't look at me for the rest of the night. He didn't even shake my hand as he left, and Mum had the nerve to declare the dinner a success. I really did laugh then, and Petunia glared at me and flounced away to her room._

_Well. It was an eventful night, to say the least. I hope you all liked your Christmas presents. Thank you for the scarf, Mary, and the sugar quills, Dorcs, and the books, Marls. Love you all._

_Merry Christmas!  
Lily._

* * *

24/12

_Dear Prongs and Wormy,_

_Merry Christmas Eve! I hope your holidays have been treating you well so far. Knowing Mrs Potter and Mrs Pettigrew, you've certainly been eating well. Don't get too round now, James, or they might kick you off the team._

_I'm kidding. Anyway, I hope you like the presents I've sent you. See you in four days. I can't wait._

_Love,  
Remus._

* * *

25/12

_Sirius,_

_Merry Christmas. Are you alright, mate? You haven't been replying to my letters, and you haven't picked up your mirror. I hope these messages aren't being intercepted, but I have to know what's going on. Please reply._

_Sending love,  
James._

* * *

26/12

_Dear Moony,_

_Our hols were excellent. Mum tried a new recipe for turkey and it came out better than any we've ever had. Pete's sister, Philomena, brought this Muggle confection, I'm not sure what it was, but it was delicious. We loved the gifts, and hope you like yours too. By the way, have you heard from Sirius recently?_

_Prongs (and Wormtail)._

* * *

James lounged on his sofa, feeling like a boulder had just been unloaded into his stomach. His mother's food was excellent, but he only had so much capacity. Merlin, he needed the bog.

Once he was done, he felt much better. He looked outside, noticing the sun was just about to set. He glanced at the clock. Half past four. He'd better check on Sirius.

Making his way to his bedside table, he rummaged in the drawer and retrieved his mirror, the twin to the one Sirius had. It was pure routine to check it, since there was little chance Sirius would actually answer. James couldn't stop worrying about his best friend, though Sirius had told him many times before they had separated that he would be fine.

James' heart leapt as he looked into the mirror and saw a face that wasn't his own, a face with high cheekbones and grey eyes and silky black hair. The image was a little distorted, though. "Sirius! Are you alright? You haven't been-"

"Shut up," the face hissed, and James did, realising with a swoop of panic that that voice wasn't Sirius'. It was Regulus, staring into the mirror, his face contorted with fear and anger. "You idiot, do you know how hard I had to search to find this blasted thing? Your letters got the mirror confiscated, and him punished. Do you ever _think_?"

James' eyes widened with horror. "Shit. Is he ok? What's going on?"

"No, he is not ok," Regulus spat back, keeping his voice low. "You're going to need to come, I don't know how, but don't Floo here. Be discreet. I'll open the door for you, but - please." he swallowed, and James saw just how scared he was. "Hurry up. I don't know how long he'll last."

"Regulus-"

A shout sounded behind him, and Regulus tossed the mirror down, shutting a drawer, before all James could see was his own reflection. He put the mirror down. _Shit. Fuck. Oh, Merlin-_ "Think, James Potter," he hissed to himself, pacing up and down his room. He couldn't ask his parents for help, they'd be determined to send for Dumbledore and that would all take far too much time. He couldn't Floo, he couldn't yet Apparate - his gaze fell on his broom and his Invisibility Cloak pooled below it. He pocketed the cloak and the mirror, his mind racing. Sirius' house was much too far to fly there, the trip would take three hours at the least, three hours they didn't have. But someone else's home was much closer by, and he would need help.

James grabbed his broom and ran downstairs, skidding to a stop in front of the fireplace, begging the fates that Remus' Floo network would be open. He grabbed a handful of the powder and flung it into the fire, turning it green, and nearly leapt inside. "Lupin Residence." He didn't stutter.

* * *

Remus curled up on the sofa, engrossed in his book. It was a 'rest' book, not a school one, so it counted as relaxation.

All at once, his fireplace roared green, and a sooty James Potter tumbled out, not even wearing a cloak or a hat or gloves. Remus frowned in alarm. "James? I wasn't expecting-"

James stumbled towards him, dragging him towards the door. "Sirius. Danger. Now."

Remus' heart dropped to his feet, and together they ran the rest of the way outside. They didn't even feel the cold as they mounted the broom.

Normally, Remus hated flying. He hated the feeling of being suspended in air, and far preferred when both of his legs were safely on the ground. But this time, he didn't feel any fear. He clung to James' middle, urging him silently to go faster, though neither had ever flown faster in their lives. The only thing running through Remus' mind was _Sirius, Sirius, Sirius._

_Sirius, hold on._

_Sirius, I'm coming._

_Sirius, I forgive you._

_Sirius, I'm sorry._

_Sirius, I love you. Let me say it to you. Please._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, I don't update for a couple days, and then I do it in the span of two hours. weird. sorry for the cliffhanger, I don't know when I'll update next, but it'll probably be soon cause I'm excited for the next chapter. please leave comments and kudos if you enjoyed it. love you all!


	25. Rescue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius.

Remus' heart was thumping wildly in his chest the whole half hour journey, hoping and praying and trembling, though he didn't know if that was from the cold or fear.

They came to a running, clumsy stop outside Grimmauld Place, and James dug the mirror out of his pocket. "Regulus. Regulus!" There was no answer, and Remus knew that they couldn't get in without Regulus' blessing. They stood outside, shivering, James pleading with the mirror every few minutes.

The street started to shake, the Muggle houses on either side stretching and pulling away from each other, Number 12 emerging. Remus and James ran up the stairs and fell through the front door just as Regulus opened it. Remus immediately had the younger boy by the shoulders. "Where is he."

Regulus swallowed, his red eyes and pale face clear. "You have to be quiet. Do you have something - a Disillusionment Charm, maybe-"

"I've got something," James confirmed without caring to elaborate. "Where. Is. He."

Regulus pointed towards the stairs. "Two floors up, a right, a left, then a double oak doors. They have him in the library. _Do not make a sound._ If Kreacher or the portraits spot you, my parents will kill you."

James pulled the Invisibility Cloak out of his pocket, throwing it over himself and Remus. Regulus swallowed his sound of surprise and made himself scarce quickly.

Walking through Sirius' family's house, Remus could understand why he hated it here, why he was so eager to get away and never come back. Compared to James' warm, welcoming home, and his own cozy cottage, the Black manor was cold, sinister, and foreboding. They walked as fast as they possibly could, Remus remembering Regulus' instructions, when a scream sounded throughout the house. Remus and James looked at each other, eyes wide, stomachs dropping with panic, before they broke into uneven sprints, shoes still wet from outside slipping on the polished wooden floors. _Right, then a left._

They stopped outside the double oak doors engraved with the family crest just as the scream stopped, and slowly slipped through the ajar doors. Tall bookshelves lined the walls and formed barriers on the ground, and Remus and James picked their way carefully towards the source of the noise at the heart of the library.

Sirius was on the ground, face pale, while both his parents were standing over him. Walburga's face was livid, every sharp, cruel line twisted with anger and hate. Orion was calm, stoic, cold with rage.

"Swear it," his mother hissed, pointing the tip of her wand to a small metal object she held in her hand. Remus squinted to make it out, before realising it was the Black family ring. Walburga leaned forward and pressed it against her son's neck, and Remus could hear the sickening hiss and smell of burned flesh. Sirius roared in pain, and Remus felt ill. He turned to look at James, who had tears in his eyes.

"No," Sirius managed to spit, propping himself up on his elbows.

Walburga's face contorted with absolute wrath, but Orion raised his wand. With a calm, measured flick, he enunciated, " _Crucio_."

All feeling dropped out of Remus' stomach when the bolt of red light darted through the air and hit Sirius. The scream that emitted from him was nothing short of inhuman, heart-wrenching, gut-tearing insanity. Sirius writhed and cried with the pain, and Remus couldn't bear it, he couldn't-

James' arms wrapped around him, one around his middle and one clapped firmly over his mouth. Though Remus was taller, James was much stronger, and no matter how hard he struggled, the other boy did not let go.

Sirius screamed, and screamed, and screamed, and James and Remus cried. Remus didn't know how long it went on for, only that it was the most painful moment of his life. Even his bones reconfiguring and his muscles stretching and his skin tearing and his flesh melting every month couldn't compare, not even in the slightest. When the curse ended, Remus collapsed to his knees, shaking silently with sobs. Sirius lay there, limp, trembling. Painfully, he raised his head and spat out blood. "Is that the best you've got?"

 _No_ , Remus wanted to shout, _don't provoke them, don't push them further_. But he was Sirius, and he didn't listen, didn't even flinch as his mother cast the curse again, and then there were the screams of agony and yells of 'Swear it!' and Remus couldn't, couldn't sit here and watch this torture, but James held him, thrashing and flailing and-

The curse finally ended again, and this time Sirius didn't raise his head. Remus' heart nearly stopped in fear. Orion nudged his son's body with his shoe, and Sirius didn't respond.

"We'll be back later," Orion Black said, though it was clear Sirius wasn't hearing anyone. They both left, slamming the library doors behind them. Suddenly James' arms weren't around him anymore, and they both launched themselves towards Sirius.

James grabbed one of his hands, and Remus cradled his head, tears streaming openly down his face. Sirius' skin was cold and clammy, and when his eyelids were lifted, it was clear they'd rolled back into his head.

"No, no, no no no no," Remus said frantically, trying to wake Sirius up. He knew the Cruciatus Curse could drive people to insanity, and even kill them. _Not Sirius. It can't be Sirius_. "No, no, no, Sirius. Sirius." Remus cried harder, never having felt this helpless in his life. "Sirius, please wake up. You have to wake up, love."

"Sirius, mate, you've got to wake up," James said, his voice trembling. "Help us out here."

"Sirius, love," Remus pleaded, pressing his forehead against the unresponsive boy's. " _Please_ , love. Wake up."

James squeezed his hand, and he didn't raise his head. Remus was shaking harder than ever. In a moment of utter desperation, he lifted Sirius' head and pressed a kiss to his cold lips, funnelling all the despair and fear and love he felt in that moment. _You have to wake up. You can't leave me here, you can't leave me behind. I love you, goddamnit, I love you more than anyone I've loved in my life. Please._

James gasped, and Remus pulled back to see Sirius' eyes fluttering. Relief rushed through him like a landslide, and he peppered kisses all over Sirius' face as James squeezed his hand and laughed and cried.

"Merlin," Sirius croaked, struggling to keep his head up, and Remus quickly rested it in his lap. "Who died?"

They all choked on their laughter as a door slammed somewhere in the house. "Shit," James breathed, grabbing the Invisibility Cloak.

Sirius' eyes immediately widened in panic. "No. Don't leave me here."

"Look at me and tell me you believe we're going to leave you here to rot," James commanded, locating the fireplace and digging into his pocket. "Are the Floo networks open?"

"I think so."

Remus grabbed Sirius under his arms and James lifted his legs, and they staggered to the fireplace. Footsteps got closer, and Sirius' skin went even paler with panic. "Hurry."

James threw the leftover powder into the fireplace, and to all their reliefs, it went green. James and Remus jumped inside, pulling Sirius with them, just as the library doors banged open.

"Potter Residence!" James shouted, and they were gone before the first curse hit them.

* * *

They stumbled into the warm sitting room of James' house, and Euphemia and Fleamont Potter were waiting for them, eyes wide with alarm. "James - what on earth-"

"Close the networks," Remus coughed. "Hurry."

Effie Potter performed the spells as James' father ensured that Sirius was comfortable on the sofa. He was still shuddering, but looked a lot better with warmth and comfort. Euphemia bustled to the kitchen to make a pot of hot cocoa, and soon the boys had steaming mugs nestled in their hands.

Fleamont sat in front of them, looking grave. "Boys. I need to know what happened."

The story came out in bits and pieces. Sirius learned that it was Regulus that had alerted his friends, and James and Remus discovered that his parents were trying to make him swear an oath to You-Know-Who, or the Dark Lord, as they called him.

"It's mad, absolute bonkers," Sirius relayed, sipping his cocoa. Colour was slowly returning to his cheeks, but Remus still refused to leave his side. "Bellatrix and her husband came - you know, the Lestrange fellow, and they tried to convince me to do it. Of course, I didn't know they would use an Unforgivable-"

"What," Fleamont said, leaning forward slightly. James and Remus looked at each other, having just realised they never told his parents about the curse. "They used an Unforgivable on you?"

"Which one," Effie asked, her voice going dangerously low. Sirius had never seen Euphemia Potter truly angry, and he decided that it wasn't a pretty sight.

"Cruciatus," Remus piped in, and both the adults' eyes darkened. James' parents exchanged a glance, then got up together.

"We've got a few letters to send," Fleamont said, and they turned to go upstairs, but there were several sharp raps on the door.

The boys exchanged confused glances. "It could be Wormy, or my parents," Remus offered.

Fleamont went to answer the door, and there was a palpable change in tension in the room. "Boys, upstairs, now," Euphemia said in a tone that left no place for debate. James and Remus supported Sirius and they went up the stairs and waited on the landing.

" _Where is he_ ," a voice hissed, and Sirius stiffened, going white. Remus and James wrapped him in their arms.

"He is _safe_ ," Euphemia said, "and he is staying here."

"He is not your son," Walburga shot back, and James could imagine his mother puffing up with righteous anger.

"He's as good as," Euphemia said fiercely, and Remus turned to look at Sirius, who had tears in his eyes. "I'm more of a mother to him than you will ever be."

"He is still a Black!" Walburga shrieked.

" _I don't care_ ," Euphemia hissed. "You used an Unforgivable on the boy, Walburga, and you should be glad I'm not calling the authorities. Now _get out of my house_."

"You haven't seen the last of me," Walburga spat. "The world is changing, Euphemia, and there is no place for blood traitors like you."

"I said, _get out_." The door slammed, and Sirius buried his head in Remus' shoulder, breathing deeply. James rubbed his back.

"I know you're listening," Effie called. "Remus, if you want to stay here for the night, I can send a Patronus to your mother explaining the situation."

"Thanks, Mrs Potter," Remus replied, trying to get up. Sirius wouldn't let go of his jumper, so Remus sat back down.

* * *

As the Potters' house elf readied the bedrooms, Sirius insisted that he share a bed with Remus. James' parents didn't argue, so after a hearty bowl of tomato soup and fresh crusty bread, they curled up in bed.

Sirius didn't want the windows closed, so the light of the waning moon filtered into the bedroom, interrupted by the gently falling snow. The bed was large enough to fit both of them comfortably, but Sirius stayed close to Remus, tucking his head under his chin. Remus could feel the warm puffs of his breath on his bare neck. It was slightly uncomfortable, and Remus tried to shift away.

Sirius' hands immediately fisted his borrowed pyjama shirt, refusing to let go. "Please. Don't leave me."

"I'm not leaving you," Remus said gently, trying to dislodge Sirius' hands. "I'm just turning over."

"I missed you," Sirius exhaled, "I missed you so much. I'm sorry."

"It's ok," Remus said, taking Sirius' face in his hands. "It was stupid and you should have known better, but I forgive you, and I'm sorry for not doing it sooner. I knew you were really sorry."

Sirius pushed his nose into Remus' throat, breathing deeply, and Remus had to surpress a shiver. "What are you doing?"

Sirius kicked out with his legs and tangled them with Remus', pulling closer to him until their bodies were flush against each other. "I want to be close to you. I'd burrow inside of you if I could."

Remus placed his hands on Sirius' chin and ran his fingers over his boyfriend's usually pristine skin, his fingers tracing the bump of a scar. The Black family crest, burned into Sirius' skin. Remus tried to swallow his anger and tilted Sirius' head up, and they stared at each other. "I love you," Remus said, finally. "I've loved you since the fourth year. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner."

Sirius' eyes widened, his pupils dilating and his lips parting, before spreading into a smile. "Wait - really? You love _me_."

"I love _you_ ," Remus affirmed, and then their lips met.

This time was different from the first time. That had been all explosions and passion and fire and heat, and this was tender and gentle and exploratory. Sirius made sure his boyfriend knew exactly how much he loved him with every roll into his body. This time was coloured silver instead of gold, with Remus lying down instead of hovering over.

After, they both lay on the mattress, too spent to clean themselves up, too tired to hide their grins. Remus turned to his boyfriend. "I-"

"When they - when they used the curse - I thought of you. How you went through that kind of pain every month, and if you could survive it, I could," Sirius confessed, resting his forehead against Remus'.

Remus blinked at him, then decided to make one of his own. "I - I've never felt fear like I did in the moment I thought you were dead. I don't want to ever feel it again."

"You won't," Sirius breathed. "I'm not leaving you, not even when you're sick of me and you beg me to go."

"I'd never do that."

"I want us to have happy lives, Remus," Sirius said, his eyes wide and earnest. "I know there's a war, and I know-" he gulped. "I know we might not all make it out alive-"

Remus swallowed his words with a kiss, and Sirius didn't protest as Remus licked into his mouth, the soft press of his tongue against his lips, his teeth. When Remus finally pulled away, his boyfriend panted slightly.

"Don't you dare say that," Remus said, then, "I swear to you," he continued, his words laced with a slight growl as he twined their fingers together, gripping tight. "I will _never_ leave you, and we will be happy. Say it back."

"I swear it," Sirius whispered, lost in the shine and colour of his boyfriend's eyes.

Remus squeezed his hand. "We're going to be happy, Sirius. Together."

"Together." a pause, and a breath. "I love you."

"I love you more," Remus replied, and then because he couldn't believe this was happening, he laughed, a sound of pure joy. He had a reciprocated love, a love that threatened to encompass everything he could handle. They were going to be happy.

It was going to be ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I practically cried when I wrote that last bit - because they WEREN'T happy and they WEREN'T together and AAHHH - I'm ok. It's fine. Let's just say that in my universe, it all ends happily and they live and love and everyone is happyyy~  
> Anyways that's chapter 25 done (omg we're here already) and it was a fun write :) please leave comments and kudos if you enjoyed it! love you all!


	26. Holidays Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The whole gang gets back together for the New Years. Sirius gets a pleasant surprise.

The girls and Peter arrived the next evening. At Lily's instruction, they were all wearing the ugliest Christmas sweaters they owned. Sirius looked over at his boyfriend. He looked absolutely adorable, with his crimson sweater with a large reindeer galloping all over it. It currently had its head in Remus' armpit, and the boy in question's ears were tinged red and his hair was messy, a disgruntled expression on his face.

Sirius was taken back to the night before, running his hands through Remus' hair. _"It's gotten less curly and thicker, and it's not as golden now - more tawny."_

_Remus' cheeks had gone pink, looking blush in the moonlight. "I - I don't really know what happened to it. I'm sorry."_

_Sirius had leaned down and gave him a hard kiss, pulling back with a wet sound. "Remus Lupin, don't you dare apologise. You are gorgeous no matter what you look like, no matter how your hair feels, no matter how many scars you have. Understood?"_

_"Understood," Remus had breathed, raising his head and kissing him again, and-_

Sirius snapped back into the present, itching the back of his neck against the scratchy wool. He had a lingering concern that he did not look nearly as cute as Remus. "When are they arriving, Prongs? I feel like an idiot, standing here and waiting."

James checked his watch. "Should be here any-"

The doorbell rang, and James leapt forward and yanked it open. Lily, Marlene, and Mary poured in, taking off earmuffs and hats and cloaks, revealing their own ugly sweaters beneath. "Hello!"

There was a round of hugs, and then the girls were invited inside to show where they were sleeping. Peter would be sharing with James, Lily and Marlene were bunking together, and Dorcas and Mary. The rest of the group soon arrived, and then Mrs Potter invited them all into the kitchen to demolish James and Peter's poorly constructed gingerbread house. Mrs Potter had plenty of leftover cookies too, and the eight of them gorged themselves silly on sweets.

They lazed around in front of the fireplace, sipping on tankards of Butterbeer and telling silly stories about their holidays. Lily was begged to recount the Vernon tale, so she did, with Peter providing funny voices. Mary fished her Christmas present, a Muggle camera called the Polaroid, out of her suitcase, and demanded they take a photo all dressed up. She managed to print four copies and handed them out to whoever wanted them. After an absolutely ravishing dinner of leftover turkey and mashed potatoes, they were simply too full to think of doing anything else but going to bed, so they did.

James knocked on the door as Sirius was getting into bed beside Remus, his ears red and chewing his lip. "Er-"

Remus smiled. "Yeah?"

James took a breath. "Would you two mind - not - er - not-"

Sirius snickered inwardly at his awkward expression. "Spit it out, Prongs."

"Don't shag," James said quickly, going a shade of ruby. "I know it's not my place, but that is my spare bed, and you didn't use a Silencing Charm so I could practically hear everything, and you're lucky my parents are upstairs-"

Remus' jaw dropped in horror as Sirius burst out laughing, unable to keep it in any longer. "Shit. Shit. No, you didn't. Tell me you didn't hear that, James." Remus looked at his friend, pleading. "Please, please, tell me you didn't hear that."

Sirius howled, practically on the floor now. "Er... I didn't hear _everything_... but quite a bit of it, yes," James said, rubbing the back of his neck.

Remus gave an anguished groan and buried his head under the covers. Sirius, still chuckling, got back into bed, wiping his eyes. "Sorry 'bout that, mate. Thanks for letting us know."

"Right," James muttered, rumpling his hair with his hand, a nervous habit. "Well, goodnight, lads." He left quickly.

Sirius broke into giggles again, trying to pull his boyfriend out of the covers. "Sirius, leave me alone. I can never, _ever_ , face James after this. He heard - he heard _all that_ -" he gave another wretched whimper.

"It's ok," Sirius said, stroking Remus' hair. "He's _James_ , for Merlin's sake, not Peter or any of the others. We'll probably catch him and Lily one of these days."

Remus finally emerged from the covers. "You really think we will?"

Sirius snorted, snuggling down in the blankets. "Definitely. Just you wait."

Remus turned off the lamp.

* * *

The next day, James woke them bright and early, demanding they go outside, so they all obliged, because no one could discourage James once he was determined to do something. They had a snowman building competition (Marlene was forbidden from using magic) and Dorcas and Sirius were declared the winners.

Lily went inside to help Mrs Potter with lunch as the others went about destroying all the other snowmen. James' mother was peeling Brussels sprouts in the kitchen, though the task was made a lot more efficient by the use of her wand. She stirred something on the hob, then added salt to it.

"Hi, Mrs Potter," Lily said, hanging up her coat and taking off her earmuffs. "Can I help with anything?"

James' mother beamed at her, setting the lid on the pot. "Lily, dear, isn't it? Well, you can slice up those buns there."

Lily immediately set to work, marvelling at how welcoming Mrs Potter was, opening her home to all these teenagers for the New Year. "Thanks for having us, Mrs Potter," she said earnestly, slicing busily.

Mrs Potter's smile turned softer as she kneaded pie dough. "Well, Monty and I love having a full house on Christmas. We always wanted James to have siblings. We had him rather late, so it was a little difficult. My greatest regret as a mother was being unable to give him the opportunity to be a big brother."

Lily smiled, spreading butter on the inside of the buns. "Well, I have an older sister, and she's a right pain, I'll tell you."

Mrs Potter chuckled. "Still, I bet there's some advantages. James hasn't had siblings to squash his ego, I'm afraid, and all our efforts have gone to him, making him rather entitled, some might say. Sirius is good for him in that way." She sighed slightly. "It's a hard balance, dear. I want James to know he's always loved in this family, but I want him to be his own person, too."

"I think you've done rather well," Lily said quickly, unable to bear the thought of this woman beside her being unhappy. She immediately saw the implications of her words and flushed, though realised after a few seconds that she wouldn't have taken them back either way.

James' mother smiled knowingly, and Lily went redder, something she knew wasn't helping her case. "Would you mind going out to call the others in, dear? Lunch will be ready in a bit, and I want you all washed up in time."

Lily took the escape and quickly left to grab her friends.

* * *

After a relatively light lunch, everyone was eager to go outside again. Sirius helped James gather enough brooms for everyone and then they were led to Mr Potter's magically warmed Quidditch pitch. James was looking forward to playing a casual game of Quidditch with his friends. Lily, Remus, and Mary were hopeless, Dorcas, Peter, and Sirius were decent, and he and Marlene were obviously the best. Still, a game wouldn't hurt anyone, and it would definitely be fun.

Mary, Dorcas, and Remus wouldn't stop laughing because they'd discovered his father's stockpiles of Sleekeazy and were trying to convince James to use it.

"Alright!" he yelled, which just make them giggle harder. "Enough with the hair potion! My tresses are just fine as they are-"

Sirius winked at Lily. "Well, you still haven't been invited to the the Hogwarts Society for Witches and Wizards with Hair as Beautiful as Life Itself," he said, and then they joined the laughter.

"Your hair is a shame to the family, Potter," Lily said through snickers. "What must your poor father think, having invented a hair potion specifically to tame unruly locks and his own son showing up with a bird's nest on his head."

"I think James' hair is great," Peter piped in, but no one listened to him.

"Stop it!" James said, getting annoyed and ruffling a hand through his hair self-consciously. "My hair is beautiful, and so is everyone else's here, thank you, Sirius and Lily."

Everyone looked at each other and burst out laughing again. James groaned. "What?" Peter mumbled something sheepishly next to him. James' eyes bugged, and he turned to Sirius, affronted. "You invited _everyone_ but me?"

Lily snorted, falling into Sirius, but managed to get herself under control. "Well, Remus' thick, tawny locks are stunning, Dorcas' curls are fabulous, Mary's hair is lovely and chestnutty, Marlene's is sunny golden, and Peter's is adorable. And obviously Sirius' is like the finest silk and I'm a vixen. Sorry, Potter. Looks like you're the only one left out."

James grumbled. "Can we get back to Quidditch, please?"

Marlene gasped, wiping her eyes. "Yes. Absolutely. Let's pick teams. James and I as captains, obviously."

Dorcas fished a Sickle out of her pocket. "Coin flip. Let's see who gets to pick first."

Marlene won, and she chose Sirius. James chose Dorcas, and Marlene chose Peter. James picked Remus, Marlene picked Mary, and Lily was chosen by James.

James handed out slips to his team. "Right. Let's talk rules. It's normal Quidditch, but without the Snitch, so a Keeper, two Chasers, and a Beater." He pulled out his set of balls and opened them, removing a Quaffle and releasing a safety rubber Bludger, since he didn't trust all of his friends to be able to dodge them well.

Marlene turned to her team. "Right, I'll be Keeper, since that's my post. Er... Mary and Peter, will you two be Chasers? Sirius, you're the Beater." They all nodded, and got on their brooms.

James arched an eyebrow at her choices, but turned to his team. "Right. Since their Chasers are quite shite, I'll be Chaser for us with Lily. Remus, you're the Keeper, and Dorcas, you're the Beater. Ready, go!"

They all took to the air, some far more gracefully than others. Marlene took her post expertly, and James gained possession of the Quaffle immediately. He had predicted what was to happen. Mary and Peter hardly did anything to stop him, and Lily was hopeless on a broom, but Marlene was an excellent Keeper (which was why he had chosen her for the position on the Gryffindor team), so he only got some past her. Dorcas was an ok Beater, but she didn't do much, and Peter managed to get one goal past Remus.

The real surprise of the whole exercise was Sirius. He was a good Beater, far too good for someone of his training (which was next to none). He zipped around the pitch expertly, hitting the Bludger into James many times with perfect aim. More than once, he was caught right before scoring a goal.

They came back to the ground, panting and worn out. Lily, Remus, and Mary stumbled off their brooms. "I am _never_ letting you convince me to do that again," Mary swore, sinking to her knees. "How do people _enjoy_ this?"

Marlene clutched her heart. "You're killing me, Mare. You're killing your friend."

"I enjoy watching other people do it," Lily defended. "I just hate doing it myself. How do you control a broom like that _and_ throw a ball around at the same time?" she demanded, looking at James, who shrugged cryptically and grinned. She rolled her eyes. "Fine, keep your secrets."

"I'm parched," Remus announced, and the non-Quidditch players agreed, and followed him back into the house.

James turned to Marlene, his eyes wide. "Did you see-"

"Why is Sirius so good?" she asked. "What happened?"

"PADFOOT!" James bellowed after his best friend's retreating back.

Sirius turned around, shielding his eyes from the glare of the snow and sun. "WHAT?"

"C'MERE A MO," James yelled back, and Sirius half-jogged back to them. Unlike the rest of their friends, he wasn't very sweaty or out of breath.

"What is it?"

"Why are you such a good Beater?" Marlene demanded, and Sirius grinned.

"Ah. Thought you might ask that."

"Well?"

Sirius nodded at James. "I was practising the moves you told me to do. Over the summer."

James' mouth dropped open. "You were actually doing those?"

Sirius frowned, offended. "Of course I was? You didn't think I would spend all those hours with you out here only to ignore everything you said, did you?"

James cleared his throat. "Er... I did, actually."

Sirius smirked, turning to Marlene. "Well, there you have it."

"Get on a broom, will you?" she said suddenly. "James, release a real Bludger. Let's see how good Sirius really is."

James did as she said, and the Bludger shot up into the sky. The three of them leapt onto their brooms, Sirius grabbing his wooden bat. The iron ball shot at him, and he whacked it into the goalpost. It circled around the golden hoop and pelted back at Sirius, and he hit it away again, and it buried itself in James stomach.

" _Oof_ ," James coughed, folding around the ball, then managing to get it safely back into the box and strapped in. He looked at his best friend, still a little winded. "Sirius. How would you like a place on the Gryffindor team?"

Sirius' eyebrows shot up. "Wait. Really?"

Marlene turned to James. "You're replacing Wright?"

"He's in the third year," James explained. "A Beater is really the least popular position, it was only a matter of time before Wright was chosen eventually. And I'm sure if he keeps practising, he will get in again. Anyway, Sirius is better."

At that, Marlene gave a grudging nod. "Yeah, he is. You can move Wright to the alternatives, can't you?"

"Just like that?" Sirius asked, still looking between them in disbelief.

James clapped his friend on the back. "You'll need to come to every single training, of course, including early morning ones. And let me warn you, the Hogwarts Quidditch pitch at five o'clock in the morning is not as nice and warm as this one is. And you'll need gear, robes and gloves and a broom, obviously, you can have my old one, it's pretty good. We need the best chance we can get against the other houses, and I think you're good enough. I'll write a letter to McGonagall today to let her know, but yes, just like that."

Marlene smirked at his utter incredulousness. "Welcome to the team, Black."

Sirius blinked, then grinned. "Thanks. Hope you won't regret this."

"You'd better not make me," James said, slinging an arm around his best friend's shoulders, and the three of them walked back to the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 26 done! Thanks for the comments, I love them so so much :)) the next chapter's gonna be a good one! Love you all!


	27. Holidays Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just fluffy(ish) holiday stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: some mentions of past self-harm.

On the 30th of December, the excitement heightened. James' parents were going to a friend's house for the New Year and would be staying there for two nights, as well as giving their house-elf the days off, which meant the eight sixth-years would be given practically free reign of the house.

Dorcas awoke with Mary pulling the curtains open, sending bright white sunlight streaming into her eyes. "Mary, please don't," she managed to protest weakly before her friend ripped the blankets off her. Luckily, the Potter household was warmed perfectly, so Dorcas didn't have too much trouble with the temperature.

She dragged herself out of bed and over to her suitcase, digging through her clothes. "What should I wear?"

Mary was already dressed, in a pair of jeans and a knitted sweater. "I think we're going out to the village later, so wear something warm," she said, skipping out of the room. "And hurry, someone's making coffee and it won't be long before it's all gone."

That was what prompted Dorcas to go faster, pulling out a turtleneck and fleecy trousers. She jammed a beanie on her head to camouflage the frizz that had sprung from her curls and ran downstairs, bumping into Lily on the stairs. She looked her friend up and down. "Looking good, Evans."

Lily was wearing a soft green woollen dress that brushed the tops of her knees, and a nude pair of tights underneath. She blushed. "Really?"

"Sure," Dorcas replied, linking arms with her friend and dragging her downstairs. "Now, I'm absolutely dying for coffee, and Merlin knows that Potter and Black could finish it by themselves."

They entered the kitchen to find Peter carefully measuring out the scoops of coffee. "Wicked, Peter! I didn't know that you could make coffee! That smells divine."

Peter blushed and poured it into six mugs, grabbing the milk out of the fridge. "Thanks. D'you want milk or cream, or any flavours?"

Remus looked at them from the kettle where he was standing. "You are all heathens. Imagine liking _bean water_ over the delicacy that is tea-"

"Tea is literally just leaf water," Lily retorted, grabbing her mug and giving it a quick stir before sipping. She practically melted in delight. "This is delicious."

Mary and Sirius burst into the kitchen and nabbed their own mugs of coffee. "Thanks Pete, you're a darling," Mary said, giving him a quick peck on the cheek. Peter went burgundy, and Dorcas grinned to herself.

James and Marlene finally came just as the kettle whistled and Remus poured out two mugs of tea. "Here, McKinnon. Thank Merlin there's another civilised person here who can enjoy a drink without having to inject themselves with caffeine."

Mary shrieked in mock outrage. "Tea has caffeine too! Coffee just tastes a million times better and actually helps wake you up, Lupin-"

"Tea is the drink of ancient kings, it's been around for ages-"

"So's my nan, doesn't mean she's better than the rest of us-"

"All right!" James called over the bickering, a smile on his face. "How about we just agree to disagree and move on?"

Marlene dropped a sugar cube into her tea and stirred, rolling her eyes. "Very well. What's the plan for today, Potter?"

James sipped his coffee. "Well, since my parents have left, I thought we'd better get on and buy the alcohol." There were cheers all around, and James grinned. "And I thought that since Marlene is the only one of age, she should go."

"Are there wizarding shops?" Dorcas asked, "Or is it only Muggle establishments?"

"There's a mix," James explained. "Some shops are both, we've got Muggle and wizard neighbours around here. Marlene counts as an adult, so it should be all right. Sirius and I can go with her to help choose. For music, I think Mary's brought her records?" A look at Mary, who nodded. "Right. Well, Mary and Lily can sort out the record player my parents have, it's a bit of a hybrid between Muggle and magic really, so that should take a while to work out. Dorcas, Peter, and Remus can cook. My mum's left some stuff in the *pantry* so that should help."

Dorcas grinned. She knew they were really the only ones competent enough to go near the kitchen, Lily being the only other one. "Lils can help us out when they've finished with the music."

"Right," Sirius said, putting his mug in the sink. "Let's get to it, then."

* * *

Sirius loped along the stone path, currently covered by snow. James' village was lovely, the houses covered with a dusting of white powder and children laughing and playing. Most of the people who lived here were Muggles, but there were a few wizarding families, from what Sirius knew.

They entered the shop, Sirius wringing his icy fingers in the warmth. James headed for the booze, and Marlene and Sirius followed him. Marlene turned to the boys, a bit red. "Er. How much d'you think we're going to drink?"

Sirius smirked, reaching forward and grabbing a bottle of gin and whiskey. "Better more than less, amirite?"

They ended up choosing a bottle each of whiskey and gin, as well as a some of bottles of beer. The shopkeeper looked skeptical as they walked to the counter. "Now, Master Potter, I _know_ you aren't seventeen."

James reddened, pushing Marlene forward. "She is, Mr Chapman."

He arched a bushy white eyebrow, but pulled out his wand and placed it on Marlene's head, who shivered. He opened his eyes. "Yes, she is."

James pulled out a pouch of money, smiling hesitantly. "So..."

"However," the shopkeeper continued, " _you_ are not. And I know little miss over here isn't going to drink all that by herself." Marlene flushed and looked down.

At this, Sirius took it upon himself to interject. He leaned across the counter, flashing his most charming smile. "Now, Mr Chapman, it's nearly the New Year, and we're all going to be seventeen in a matter of months, anyway. How big a difference can a few weeks make?"

Mr Chapman studied him, but seemed to be softening. "Logical or not, it is the law."

"Please, Mr Chapman," James wheedled. "It's the holidays. We'll all be back to the grindstone next week. Don't we deserve a little fun?"

The shopkeeper made a big show of giving in. "Very well then. Let's see how much this all adds up to. If you end up too drunk to walk, you'd better not tell your parents I enabled this."

"Oh, thanks, sir," Marlene said, then shoved all the bottles into the bag and walked away quickly as James finished paying. Sirius grinned to himself.

* * *

Dorcas found Mrs Potter's pie dough in the fridge as Peter prepared the filling and Remus preheated the oven, and Lily and Mary mucked around with the record player in the parlour. She sprinkled flour on the surface of the worn wooden kitchen table, then thumped the lump of dough on it, then started to roll it out, challenging herself to create a perfect circle.

Dorcas loved cooking and baking. There was something therapeutic about feeling food with your hands, about creating something delicious with love for everyone to share. Something about following a recipe and knowing it would turn out perfect every time. Unlike life.

She popped the pie in the oven and got started on the dessert, doughnuts, and the three of them fell into a comfortable pattern where Dorcas told them both what to do and they did it. Soon, Lily and Mary barged in, having sorted out the music situation. Mary got distracted eating the cutoffs of the cheese block Remus was carving, and Lily helped to fry the doughnuts.

Dorcas was just setting the table for lunch when James, Marlene, and Sirius walked back in, holding a bag full of clinking bottles and grinning stupidly. Lily went to help them put it away, and Dorcas distinctly heard James telling her how pretty she looked. She could practically see Lily's blush, Marlene's eye roll and Sirius' smirk.

They all gathered just as Remus and Peter were laying out the forks. Dorcas carried the pie over and set it down, then cut slices. "Right. Who wants some?"

James studied his slice, running his fingers over the scalloping on the edges. "Merlin, Dorcs, what did you use to make these?"

"My knuckles," Dorcas retorted good-naturedly, "which you all will be seeing if you complain about the food."

Sirius scoffed, his mouth full. "If you've got a problem with that, you should be worried about what Pete used to poke holes in the doughnuts."

Lily laughed first, snorting ungracefully, and everyone else joined in. Marlene turned bright red, ducking her head so her blonde hair fell into her eyes. Dorcas studied her, not without a little bemusement. The duality of Marlene McKinnon was baffling, the way she acted so bashful and demure in public, getting flustered over the dramatics of their friends or alcohol or sexual innuendos. In private, she blossomed. Dorcas wanted everyone here to see the real Marlene, teasing Dorcas about wanking or telling Lily about shagging. But now her cheeks were flushed and she refused to look anyone in the eye. Dorcas wished she could work her out, but conversation moved on quickly and she didn't have any time to think on it properly.

After lunch, everyone went outside for a snow fort and snowball fight. It was great fun, though the amount of muddy snow they tracked into the house wasn't. Remus and Lily were put on cleanup duty while Mary and Sirius chased James around with a bottle of Sleekeazy. Dorcas entertained herself for a while watching the Prefects argue about cleaning methods and James shriek in fear as Sirius upended an entire bottle over his locks.

In the evening, Mary got out her records for a test. Dorcas studied the cover, one she was familiar with. It had circus animals emblazoned on it in bright colours. "A Night at the Opera, Queen," she read aloud as Mary set it into the player. "It's new, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Mary confirmed, checking the back of the cardboard case to find the song list. "What's everyone in the mood for? Upbeat, emotional?"

"Emotional," Lily called from her seat on the sofa. She was reclining with her head in Sirius' lap, the latter of which was twining plaits into her hair absently. No one protested, so Mary dropped the needle at the right song.

The opening chords started to play, and Dorcas relaxed in her position. The crackle of the fire and the needle soothed her, and she was absorbed in the voice of Freddie Mercury.  
  


_Love of my life, you've hurt me_

_You've broken my heart and now you leave me_

_Love of my life, can't you see?_

_Bring it back, bring it back_

_Don't take it away from me, because you don't know_

_What it means to me  
  
_

At his voice - soft, almost whimsical, but in a melancholy way - Dorcas could feel a change in her chest. Her heart seemed to swell, then deflate with the heaviness of his voice. She felt a sort of pressure inside her, a squeezing that seemed to take away her breath completely. How was this man able to capture so many emotions, so many experiences and feelings and basically her whole bloody _life_ into one song?

She looked around, observing her friends. Lily got up from Sirius' lap and began swaying in front of the fireplace, and James got up to join her. Lily grabbed his hands and together they undulated and spun slowly in time to the beat, both their cheeks red in the firelight. Soon, Mary and Peter got up too and joined them. Dorcas looked over at Marlene, who had her eyes closed. She was breathing through her nose, her chest rising and falling visibly with every breath.

Dorcas looked away quickly, her gaze settling instead on Sirius - but he had moved. He was now nestled into Remus' shoulder, the taller boy's arm slung around his shoulders. Sirius had his eyes shut, and they both looked so deliriously content to be lying together.

Dorcas felt like she was missing something, and decided to just focus on the song.  
  


_Oh, back, hurry back_

_Please bring it back home to me_

_Because you don't know what it means to me_

_Love of my life_

_Love of my life_

_Oh, oh_   
  


The song ended, and everyone lapsed into a comfortable silence. Mary lifted the needle off the record, and Marlene got up and yawned, though Dorcas could tell it was artificial. "Well, I'm going to bed, I think. I know it's early, but we're going to stay up tomorrow night, and I'd rather not spoil the party by falling asleep prematurely."

"I think we should all turn in early," Remus said, stretching, forcing Sirius to lift his head. "Marls is right, we all want to be able to stay up late, and this one-" he nudged Sirius, "gets cranky if he doesn't get his full eight hours."

"Shut up," Sirius said good-naturedly, shoving him back. "Well, I hate to admit it, but Moony's right. Better get to bed."

They all agreed, and after clearing up, headed to their rooms. Dorcas hopped into the shower, turning the water up to as scalding as it could go. She scrubbed at her skin frustratedly, the old thin white lines still littering her forearm. Marlene McKinnon was bewildering. Why couldn't she just act one way around everyone? Why did she have to act different, make Dorcas believe she was something special?

Dorcas eventually got out of the shower and scrubbed at her hair, trying to dry it enough that she didn't get a cold. She exited the bathroom and found Mary in bed, reading a book. "What're you reading?"

Mary flashed the cover at her, and Dorcas squinted to get a better look. "Lord of the Rings?"

"It's Muggle," Mary explained, turning a page and placing a bookmark between the paper. "Written a while ago. It's got wizards in it, and elves and dwarves and even Hobbits."

Dorcas smirked, getting into bed beside her friend. "Should I ask?"

"Read it," Mary said, putting the thick book on the table and reaching over to turn off the light. "It's actually good."

"If you say so, I'll give it a try," Dorcas promised, and then Mary shut off the light and the room was in darkness. Dorcas lay down and stared at the ceiling.

"Are you ok, Dorcs?" Mary asked quietly.

Dorcas turned to look at her, but couldn't see anything. "Course I am. Why?"

"You seem sad," Mary observed, and Dorcas' throat constricted. "You're not still - you're not doing that again, are you?"

"I promised you I stopped," Dorcas said, her voice a low rasp in her throat. "I'm ok. Goodnight, Mare."

"Night."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'Love of my Life' by Queen.  
> Chapter 27 done! I know I promised that the New Year would be in this one, but I wanted to squeeze in some more fluff, sorry :/ the next one will have SO MUCH drama, don't worry. it should be up soon cause I'm that excited to write it.  
> keep the comments coming! I love to know that people are actually reading this stuff!  
> love you all!


	28. New Year's Eve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's New Year's Eve. There's drama.

Remus woke up, excitement sparking in his veins before he even really knew why. Then he remembered - it was New Year's Eve.

"Sirius," he whispered, shaking his boyfriend. Sirius was lovely in sleep, an expression of peace on his face, and any other morning Remus would be content to watch him, but not today. "Sirius!"

"Mmmmmm," Sirius groaned, rolling over. "'M awake."

"You're really not, but you're about to be," Remus said, ripping his blankets off.

The offended boy moaned in protest. "Moony! Don't be mean."

"Wake up," Remus told him before going into the bathroom to get ready. When he emerged, Sirius was in the middle of changing, his shirt over his head. Remus stopped and admired his boyfriend, his lean, muscular body, his soft trail of hair, his perfectly toned abdomen.

Sirius wriggled into the shirt and caught Remus staring, giving a suggestive grin. "Like what you see?"

Remus would have liked to roll his eyes and deny it, but he couldn't _not_ kiss this boy now. He strode across the room and caught the back of Sirius' neck, guiding their lips together, and soon they were snogging on the bed. He still couldn't believe this was happening, that he was allowed to kiss this gorgeous boy whenever he wanted, that it could feel this good.

Unfortunately, they were interrupted by a knock on the door, and they sprang away from each other. "Are you boys decent?" Mary hollered from the other side. "Cause if you are, I'd recommend coming down for breakfast. Dorcas makes world-class omelettes."

Sirius and Remus exchanged a look, then both launched for the door, following Mary down the hall where a delicious smell of frying bacon and cinnamon attracted the rest of the teenagers. Dorcas and Peter were standing at the hob, and Lily was removing something from the oven. A tray of cinnamon buns was placed on the table, and Lily drizzled icing over it. "All right now, take it easy," she said ineffectually as they were quickly snatched up. Remus bit into his and nearly moaned. It was delicious, soft and sweet and perfectly spiced with cinnamon.

"Who wants omelettes?" Dorcas asked, and she began taking requests. Remus helped them by cutting up bacon and onion and parsley to sprinkle into the egg mixtures. Dorcas expertly fried the omelettes and soon they were all sitting down and eating.

"Dorcas," James muttered, his mouth full, "I didn't know you were a chef. Speaking of, please cook for us more often." Everyone nodded their assent.

Dorcas snorted, though Remus could tell she was pleased. "Fuck off, Potter. Talk to me when you've learned how to make a cup of tea." Sirius started laughing, and then Lily, and then everyone joined in, even James.

* * *

The rest of the day passed fairly quickly. Sirius, Marlene, Mary, and James got it into their heads to decorate the cozy parlour for the New Year, and Dorcas and Peter slaved away over the roast chicken and cake they were baking for the evening. Remus and Lily helped some, though Lily was sure her help was mostly eating castoffs. Still, she wasn't complaining, as Dorcas was an excellent cook. She felt a little guilty for not knowing that about her friend before.

Eight o'clock rolled around, and Lily found Marlene and dragged her up to their room to get ready. She squatted in front of her suitcase and peered inside. "What should I wear?"

Marlene snorted, sitting on the bed. "Why? Want to impress someone?"

"Shut up and be helpful," Lily said, rummaging through her clothes. "I don't own anything good enough!"

"Relax," Marlene told her, strolling over to her friend. "He'll think you're gorgeous if you wear a paper bag, you know that."

"I'm not looking fit for _him_ ," Lily retorted. "I'm looking fit for myself, and obviously to bless everyone's eyes when they lay them on me. So help me."

Marlene reached into the case and dug out a black skirt and fishnet stockings. "How about these? You have those little ankle boots, don't you?"

Lily's eyes lit up and she pulled out a velvety ribbed red sweater. "Yes. Yes I do. Thank you, you're an angel. Also, can you do my makeup?"

Marlene smirked. "Evans, you don't even need to ask."

When Lily emerged, dressed, Marlene was leaning over Mary's face, sticking her tongue out of the corner of her mouth in concentration as she drew eyeliner onto her eyelid. Dorcas hovered awkwardly in the background, and Lily grinned at her. "C'mere, Dorcs. I'll sort you out."

Lily lent her her high-rise jeans, which went perfectly with Dorcas' daffodil yellow shirt with a graphic print of The Who and white trainers. Lily tackled her hair next, sliding a headband into Dorcas' wavy hair. She managed to convince her to at least entertain eyeliner, which Dorcas succumbed to, though while protesting that it wouldn't even be seen beneath her glasses. Lily spun her around to face the mirror. "There! You look gorgeous."

Dorcas rolled her eyes, but her cheeks coloured slightly. "Thanks, Lils. If you say so."

"I do," Lily insisted firmly, knowing her friend well enough. "Right. Marls, if you could do my makeup, then I think we're all done," she said, and after that was over, Mary clapped her hands and looked at all her friends.

"We look great!" she exclaimed, before rushing out the room and then back in with her camera and Sirius, wearing a leather jacket, who looked a bit bewildered.

"Oh wow. You ladies look gorgeous," he said, winking roguishly, but they all knew him well enough to figure out that he wasn't trying to flirt at all. "Ready?" Lily got into position, an arm around Marlene, posing with one foot up. "Three. Two. One. Smile!"

The camera's flash went off, and all the girls went to look at it. "Aww, we're so cute," Marlene said, grinning at her friends. She turned to Sirius. "Are you boys ready?"

"I think so," he said, handing the camera back to Mary and wiping his palms on his jeans.

Dorcas looked at her watch and took off out of the room, leaving her friends staring after her. "...er... what was that about?"

"I think her chicken's done," Lily said, linking arms with Sirius and Mary. "C'mon, she'll be after us in a minute."

* * *

Dorcas ran out of the room. Her dish wasn't done yet, wouldn't be for about another five minutes.

It was just - if she spent another second in that room, in such close proximity to Marlene, she was going to explode.

For one thing, that girl looked absolutely stunning tonight. Her hair was pulled up into milkmaid plaits, crowning her head in a beautiful circlet, with strands of blonde framing her face. Whatever makeup she used, it did its job. The sparkly eyeshadow threw bits of lights whenever she blinked, brought into sharp contrast by her long lashes. And her lips. Plump, pink, and soft. She was wearing a midnight-blue short dress and sheer stockings and black boots. Dorcas had nearly combusted when Marlene smiled prettily, linking arms with her. And then she ran out of the room like an idiot.

Dorcas waited by the oven as Peter strolled into the room. He was wearing a bowler hat. Dorcas couldn't help grinning. "Pete. Nice, er, hat."

"Isn't it?" Peter asked, obviously pleased. "Thanks. My sister gave it to me for Christmas." He set it at a jaunty angle.

It took all of Dorcas' will not to laugh.

The rest of their friends filed in, and Dorcas skirted around Marlene in order to keep her heart beating at a steady pace. She set the chicken dish on the table, ignoring the way James' mouth stuttered open when he saw Lily. She grinned and blushed, glancing at his soft, freshly-washed Sleekeazy-free hair. Everyone on the table saw James' barely-contained shudder, and nearly everyone rolled their eyes.

Dinner was perfect, and Dorcas was glad it gave her something to focus on other than Marlene. The chicken was perfectly tender and juicy, the roast potatoes lending a delightful herby flavour. Everyone congratulated Dorcas and Peter, and it was so validating to finally have a skill of her own.

After dinner, they cut the angel's food cake, which was so soft and white that it practically melted in their mouths. Stuffed full, they moved into the parlour and lit the fire. Mary fetched another one of her records.

"Which one's that, Mare?" Marlene called from her spot on the sofa. Mary showed them the cover and read it out loud. "The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust."

Remus sat up, causing Sirius' head to fall out of his lap. "Hey, that's David Bowie!"

"Yes, it is?"

"I _love_ that man," Remus said enthusiastically, getting up to see the record. "He's absolutely wicked. Can you play _Starman_?"

"Sure," Mary replied, grinning a little as she set the disc into the player and dropped the needle at the right spot. The drumbeat started to play, and Dorcas allowed herself to get pulled up by Mary, as all their friends joined them in front of the fireplace. Dorcas swayed a little, Mary jumping around in front of her. Mary turned the volume up all the way, and Dorcas let Lily and Remus take her hands and jump in a circle. When the chorus hit, they all started to sing, extremely out of tune and out of breath but still sounding amazing.  
  


_There's a starman waiting in the sky_

_He'd like to come and meet us_

_But he thinks he'd blow our minds_

_There's a starman waiting in the sky_

_He's told us not to blow it_

_'Cause he knows it's all worthwhile_

_He told me_

_Let the children lose it_

_Let the children use it_

_Let all the children boogie  
  
_

After the song ended, they collapsed on their various seats and sat around, and Dorcas' heart swelled at just how much she loved these people. James grabbed the bag and started tossing beers around. "Cheers, everyone."

Dorcas received hers and cracked it open on the arm of the sofa, raising her bottle in the air. "Cheers!" She drank, ignoring the awful taste, instead savouring the hit of light-headedness she felt.

"What song next?" Mary asked, going back to the front. She picked up the record from the night before and replaced it. "Oh, this is the new one everyone was excited about. You know, the six-minute long one that they played on the radio."

She was met with blank stares. "We don't listen to the Muggle radio, Mary," James explained. "But read the song title aloud, we might know it."

" _Bohemian Rhapsody_ ," she said, and their faces all lit up in recognition and _oh, that one_ s. She dropped the needle in, and Dorcas sipped the beer again as it began to play. _Nothing really matters, to me_ , Freddie Mercury said, and Dorcas found herself raising her bottle to that and drinking deeply. _To me_.

Lily got up again, and Dorcas had to admire how much that girl loved to dance for how bad she was at it. It seemed like they all knew this song word-for-word, and when the chords started to play, they all got up again.  
  


 _Mama,_ _just killed a man,_

_put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger now he's dead,_

_Mama, life had just begun,_

_but now I've gone and thrown it all away._

_Mama, ooohh, didn't mean to make you cry, if I'm not back again this time tomorrow,_

_carry on, carry on, cause nothing really matters._

_Too late, my time's begun,_

_sent shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time,_

_goodbye, everybody, I've got to go, gotta leave you all behind and face the truth,_

_Mama! Ooohh! I don't wanna die, I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all!_

_Carry on, carry on!  
  
_

When the guitar solo hit, they all grabbed each other's hands and started bouncing all around the room, Sirius and Marlene jumping on one of the sofas. They screamed the lyrics, from cracking their voices on the operatic section to shouting themselves hoarse on the rock part. When it finally drew to a close, they slumped onto the floors and chairs, breathing hard and grinning. Dorcas didn't know what it was about Mr Mercury's lyrics, but there was a certain nihilism to them, a nihilism that came with the war that was raging in the wizarding world and being stupid teenagers.

They all drank gratefully from their bottles, easing their raw throats. Mary insisted they pose for another photo, so they did, holding up their bottles and hanging onto each other's necks, all flushed faces and giant smiles. Marlene charmed the camera to take their picture while they got into position, then duplicated the photo. Everyone sat back down, admiring the tiny squares that encapsulated this night.

Lily was the first one to sit up again, tossing her empty beer to the side. "Oh, come on. It's only about half past ten, there's still ages before midnight. I've got another drinking game to play."

At that, they all perked up, and Lily ushered them to the floor, where they sat in a circle. "It's called Spin the Bottle," she explained, grabbing the gin bottle, which was nice and round, and putting it in the middle of the circle. "The spinner spins the bottle, and whoever the cap end points to, they have to kiss. And if they don't kiss, they have to take a shot."

There were immediately cheers and whistles around the circle, and Dorcas' stomach dropped. Kissing someone in the circle? That would be absolutely hellish. If Lily wanted to kiss James that badly, she should have just asked.

"Right," Mary said, pulling the bottle closer to her, "I'll go first." She eyed Sirius, and Dorcas already knew this wasn't going to end well. She spun the bottle hard, and it traveled across the circle and pointed towards James. They both laughed awkwardly and scooted forward, pecking lips hastily and retreating quickly. Lily had gone still, but quickly relaxed.

Marlene cleared her throat. "My turn," she said, and Peter sat up, looking hopeful. _Oh, Godric. Was Dorcas really crushing on the same person as fucking Peter_? Marlene spun it, and it pointed at Lily. They both huffed and crawled on their hands and knees, brushing lips. Dorcas thought she was going to be sick when they burst into giggles, and quickly grabbed the bottle. Marlene frowned, "It's not your turn, Dorcs - oh..." when Dorcas poured herself a shot and downed it, smiling stiffly, trying to ignore the acidic burn at the back of her throat that radiated throughout her head.

"I'll go," Remus said loudly, taking the bottle and spinning it hard. It pointed right at Dorcas, who blushed.

"You don't have to-"

But Remus was grinning. "It's ok, really," he said, and then leaned in, and their lips bumped. Remus' lips were soft and warm, and Dorcas fell back onto her bum, reeling, as Remus chuckled and sat back in his place. Dorcas looked resolutely at the floor. That had been her first kiss, and it was with Remus Lupin.

Oh well. She could think of worse people to kiss, really, and Remus had been a perfect gentleman about it.

"Right!" Lily trilled, pulling the bottle towards her. "My turn." She gave it a hard push and it spun, only to point at Sirius. They both caught each other's eye and burst out laughing, Sirius reaching for the bottle first and drinking directly from it. At this point, no one really cared, so Lily did the same. James relaxed a little.

"James, your turn," someone said, and James took the bottle and spun it. It faced Peter, who's ears went red. "Don't worry, Wormy," James said, taking the bottle and tipping it into his mouth. He wiped his face on his sleeve, grinning. "I won't kiss you if you don't want me to." Peter seemed to relax, and took the shot from the offered bottle.

Mary pushed the bottle towards Dorcas after taking a drink of her own, and Dorcas knew better than to argue. She spun it, not sure what she was hoping for, only that it wouldn't be painful. But luckily, her head was light and floaty now, and pain seemed miles away. She gave the bottle a gentle spin, and it pointed at Sirius, who laughed, shrugged, and leaned forward, brushing his lips with Dorcas'. It came as less of a shock than the first time, and she was even finding that she didn't really mind.

Sirius spun it next, and it pointed directly to James, and they both burst out laughing. "I'm not kissing you, wanker," James said, shooting a glance at Remus before drinking long and deep from the bottle. Sirius clamoured for his own swigs, which he got.

"I'll go next," Peter piped up, and he spun it. It pointed at Remus, who raised an eyebrow. Peter went bright red. "I'll, er, take the shot," he squeaked, and poured out two. Remus grabbed his and downed it faster than Dorcas would have thought normal, his own cheeks flushing. Sirius' knuckles were white with how hard he was clenching his fist.

Marlene tracked all this and stood up quickly, which made Dorcas' head spin a bit. "Right, I think that's enough drinking for now," she said, having been the only one to barely touch the gin. "Everyone, get a glass of water and visit the bog and what have you. It's ten past eleven, so meet back here in thirty minutes?" Everyone murmured their assent and got up, some people very much more sloshed than others.

* * *

Dorcas climbed the stairs, trying to move in a straight line. The lights were off upstairs, but the waning moon managed to illuminate the corridor enough so that Dorcas was able to see. She stumbled into the wall and slid down, squatting on the floor and trying to keep her breathing even.

Loud, heavy footsteps echoed on the stairs, and James walked up, laughing his arse off and holding onto the neck of a large black dog. Peter and Remus trailed behind Dorcas blinked, but she didn't even question it at that point. The boys passed her and continued up the stairs.

Dorcas was beginning to feel a bit nauseous, and put her head between her knees. Another set of footsteps was heard, but these were lighter and more sober. Marlene strolled past Dorcas, then did a double take and slid down next to her. Dorcas turned to her, and immediately regretted it. Marlene McKinnon looked absolutely stunning in the moonlight, all glimmering eyelids and rosy cheekbones and hair falling chaotically out of her plait, but in the most perfect way. Looking at this angel in front of her, Dorcas couldn't help hating herself a bit more.

"What's up?" Marlene asked, blowing a strand of hair out of her face, and Dorcas wanted to laugh with the unfairness of it all, because Marlene managed to sound amazing even after a beer and a half.

"Nothing much," Dorcas replied, though there was something surreal about the situation, the moonlight and Marlene's pale blue eyes and all the alcohol that was currently in her system, and she felt brave enough to continue. "Only, it's just funny, in that game just now. No one got to kiss who they actually wanted to."

Marlene frowned. "What d'you mean?"

Dorcas couldn't seem to stop herself from talking. "Well, Lily and James wanted to kiss each other, that much was fairly clear. And - well - Remus and Sirius did too, I doubted it for a while, but it's very obvious now. Peter wanted to kiss you, and Mary wanted to kiss Sirius."

Marlene swallowed. "You know about Sirius and Remus?"

Dorcas grinned despite herself. "I was right, wasn't I? I knew it! All that business with you and Sirius, and then with Peter-"

Marlene huffed. "You should probably tell them you know."

Dorcas shrugged, blowing air out of her mouth. "Yeah, I will."

"How 'bout you and me?" Marlene asked, leaning forward, and Dorcas' heart skipped at least five beats. "You said who everyone wants to kiss except you and me."

Dorcas shuddered, mostly against her will. If Marlene didn't back up _now_ \- "I can't figure you out," she said finally, wishing she hadn't brought this topic up. She sat a little straighter, so she was now eye level with Marlene. They were practically the same height, after all.

Marlene arched an eyebrow. "And you?"

Dorcas was shaking now, out of nerves and drunkenness and sheer proximity to this girl. "And me what?"

Marlene laughed a little. "Oh, Dorcas, don't be dense. Who did you want to kiss? Was it Peter? Don't tell me it was Peter."

"It wasn't Peter," Dorcas said quietly, and her gaze seemed to be drawn magnetically into the blue iris of Marlene's eyes, though they were nearly swallowed by the black of her pupil.

Marlene leaned even closer, and Dorcas was going to combust, she was going to explode into a million little pieces, each of them belonging to this girl in front of her. "Come on, Dorcas. We have half an hour of 1976 left. Half an hour of being dumb, of being stupid and making idiotic decisions and being _kids_. Take a risk, Dorcs." She brought her face forward, so they were nearly nose to nose, her perfect pink lips slightly parted. "Come on. I dare you."

Dorcas' control, which was fraying already, completely snapped. She almost fell forward, her lips meeting Marlene's, and amazingly, _she allowed it to happen_. Flame sparked through Dorcas' every nerve, her stomach swooping and throat clenching and a fist closing around her heart, and her face, her whole head was on fire and oh god, this was the best feeling in the entire world and she would die a hundred times for this but it was also the _worst_. And why wasn't Marlene doing anything? Dorcas pulled back, breathing hard through her nose.

Marlene's eyes were wide, as if she was trying to process what had just happened. Dorcas' brain took a while to catch up to what had just happened, and panic seared through her, prompting her to lurch backward. "Fuck. Shit. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm. I'll go."

Marlene's expression shifted, from utter bemusement to crippling sadness. "Oh, _Dorcas_ ," she said, her voice so heavy and full of understanding that Dorcas knew she knew. She knew all the pathetic little feelings lingering at the bottom of Dorcas' heart, she understood why Dorcas would never touch her or hug her or say _I love you_ to her. And it was the revolting _sympathy_ in her voice that made Dorcas want to die.

"No," Dorcas said frantically, "no, no no no. No. I'm-" she was shaking nearly too hard to speak. "Fuck. I'm sorry. I'm going." She launched to her feet and careened towards the stairs, towards the kitchen, where she was safe and comfortable and happy. Luckily, there was no one there, though she could hear Mary and Lily's echoing laughter from the parlour. _There were other people in this house. On this planet._

She fumbled with the drawers, hands trembling, when she found what she was looking for. A small, sharp paring knife. She managed to put it into her pocket when James and Mary rushed in. "Dorcas! There you are," James said, his eyes bright, a wide smile on his face, and obviously pissed. "It's three minutes to midnight, hurry up! Everyone else is in the parlour already." Dorcas allowed herself to be dragged, the moment feeling drastically unreal.

All her friends were gathered, and Dorcas plastered a smile onto her face and counted down with the rest of them. She wasn't looking for Marlene. She wasn't sure she could ever look at Marlene again.

"Three! Two! One! HAPPY NEW YEAR!" They all screamed, and James popped open a bottle of whiskey. It wasn't quite the same as champagne, but Sirius and James poured shots messily and they all took them, Dorcas the fastest of all, slamming the glass down so hard it nearly shattered. "More," she rasped, and James obliged, his glasses steamy and askew, too drunk to bother wondering why she was acting so strange. She downed that shot too, feeling a rush at the alcohol.

Lily staggered up to her and hugged her, kissing her forehead. "Happy New Year, Dorcas!" she said happily, yelling way too loudly. She was gathered up into an embrace with Mary and Remus. Sirius poured another round of shots, and everyone raised their glasses in one massive toast. _Cheers_ , Dorcas thought sardonically, throwing the whiskey back, hoping with all her might that tonight had been one giant fever dream and had never actually happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs are: 'Starman' by David Bowie, and of course 'Bohemian Rhapsody' by Queen.  
> hoooo boy! Chapter 28 done! I think this may or may not be the longest chapter I've ever written. I love it so so much and I love the way the end scene turned out :P hope you enjoyed it! I'll probably upload the next one way too soon instead of actually doing schoolwork so stay tuned~  
> thanks for the comments, and love you all!


	29. Return Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorcas and Remus bond. An announcement is issued by the Ministry. The group returns to Hogwarts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-harm.
> 
> Also: if there's anyone out there reading this who has an intimate knowledge of British 70s slang, fashion, and culture, or a lot of HP knowledge, or is simply Marauders trash, please contact me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/moonshine623)! I'm not very active but my url is moonshine623 as well. Come see me!

Dorcas pushed through her sweaty, drunk friends, and ran all the way outside to the garden, sitting in the powdery new snow. It soaked through her jeans and chilled her to the bone, but she savoured the cold. It wasn't enough, though. She was still shaking, her head roaring, her breathing erratic and forced, her heart pounding its way out of her chest.

Trembling, she reached into her pocket and withdrew the knife. Dorcas wasn't drunk enough to be completely unaware of what she was doing, unfortunately, so Mary's voice echoed in her head. _Dorcas, don't do this. You haven't done it in over a year. You promised me._ But she didn't care, she had to make the noise in her head stop, and the only way she knew how to do that was by opening up her skin.

Dorcas positioned the knife over the scarred skin of her left forearm, her hands now frighteningly stable. This she knew how to do. This was familiar. She applied just the right amount of pressure, feeling the sharp sting of pain as her skin split open, beads of blood appearing down the line. She wasn't stupid, she wasn't about to go stabbing herself and doing serious harm. But this, just for the clean pain that burst from it, was fine. It wouldn't last. It was fine.

It wasn't enough.

Dorcas sliced her skin, again and again and again until tiny red lines peppered her arm and her breathing finally evened. She dropped the knife and grabbed a handful of snow, brushing it across the cuts, inhaling when the fresh sting reached her. But it was good, and her mind was quiet. She was fine.

A crunch sounded behind her, and she quickly concealed the knife under the bank of snow and her arm in her sleeve as Remus dropped into a squat next to her. When she turned to look at him, his eyes were unerringly gentle. "Alright, Meadowes?"

Hearing the concern in his voice made her want to cry, but she took several deep breaths, trying to sober up. "Yeah. Fine. Just wanted a bit of fresh air."

Remus looked up at the half moon. "Lily, Mary, Sirius, and Peter have passed out. James is trying to clean up, I think, but he's clearly knackered. He'll be out like a light in a bit, wait and see."

Dorcas bit her lip. _Don't ask about Marlene, don't ask about Marlene-_ "What about Marlene?" she immediately winced and kicked herself internally.

Remus turned to her. "Suspect she's in the bath, honestly. And I think you should take one too, or at least let me disinfect those cuts."

Dorcas froze.

Remus laughed softly, but it wasn't unkind. "Sense of smell," he explained, refusing to elaborate further, and Dorcas' addled mind tried to piece that together with no luck. "I'm not going to tell anyone, I promise, but it can't be healthy to rub snow into them. Come on, I'm pretty good at patching people up."

Dorcas turned to him, covered in scars, and then tears welled up in her eyes. "I'm sorry," she said, for no reason at all, and then she was crying. Remus shuffled closer and put an arm around her, and then she buried her face in his oversized sweater and truly sobbed.

Remus rubbed her back. "It's ok, Dorcs. We all deal with things in different ways. Now come with me?"

She sniffled but allowed him to help her up and followed him to the kitchen, where he found gauze and a healing potion. Dorcas supposed James got hurt quite a lot. He dabbed gently over her cuts, and seeing Remus tending to her self-inflicted wounds so gently made her well up with shame again. "I'm sorry," she repeated.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Remus asked, unrolling the wad of gauze.

Dorcas did not, but she owed him an explanation. Well, part of it, anyway. There were some things that were simply too painful, too embarrassing, to relive. "I know that you're with Sirius."

Remus went still, then slowly resumed wrapping bandages over her arm. "How?"

Dorcas smirked internally, but she kept her face neutral. "You were rather obvious."

He kept his eyes resolutely on her arm. "Er - I suppose we were."

"How did you know," she burst out before she could stop herself, before she could tell herself it didn't matter anyway, Marlene would never love her the way Dorcas did. "How did you know that Sirius was - well-"

"If you think someone is queer, you'd better leave them alone," he said sharply before she was finished speaking, and she trailed off with "because there's this girl, and she's amazing..."

Dorcas' stomach dropped with his misunderstanding and she immediately leapt off the counter. Remus went red. "Wait, Dorcs, no, sorry! I - I shouldn't have assumed the worst of you."

She hesitated, her heart still pounding wildly, feeling every beat in the healing cuts lining her arm. Remus' voice softened. "Are... you... as well?"

Still not looking at him, Dorcas nodded. It was the closest she had ever come to admitting it out loud. Remus exhaled. "Right. And... there's a girl?"

Dorcas laughed bitterly. "Not really. It's just something I've built up in my head."

She heard Remus pull up a chair, and finally turned around and took a seat at the table. "I've fancied Sirius since the fourth year, and we've only just got together. I don't exactly know how to explain it. There was tension for a while, and it just built up until - well - we took one look at each other and knew."

Dorcas had been fearing that. "So you both just knew?"

Remus shrugged. "Yeah, s'pose so."

Her heart sank, though she had been telling herself there was no point in hoping. "Right. Well, I'm fucked, then." She wasn't sure why she said that, but Remus was here, and he was the only one who could even come close to understanding. "I've liked her since first year," she admitted quietly, and Remus gave a small smile.

"Yeah, you probably are," he said, and Dorcas appreciated that he didn't sugarcoat it for her. "You'll be ok, though. You can love more than one person in your life, and you'll find the right one. Don't worry."

His pragmatic and honest words settled in Dorcas, and she felt the most at peace she had in a long time. "Thanks, Rem. I owe you one."

"No, you don't," he replied. "We're friends. We help each other out. That's what we do. Also," he tapped his forearm, "I can sense when you've done that, ok? Don't do it again, please. If you need help, you can always talk to me."

Shame swelled in her again, but she nodded, then turned and walked up the stairs. "Happy New Year, Remus. Goodnight."

* * *

Marlene wasn't sure if what just happened was the result of an alcohol-induced hallucination or actually real. Because if it was the latter, she was well and truly fucked.

She had seen it when staring into Dorcas' onyx eyes. She wasn't stupid, she knew Dorcas wanted to kiss her. Why else would she have pushed so hard? _I dare you_ , she had said. Marlene had wanted Dorcas to kiss her. She had wanted it, challenged it. And then-

Fucking _wanker_ that Marlene was, she had pretended that she didn't. Looked at her friend in sympathy, as if she only just understood what was going on. _Why had she done that?_

_Idiot._

* * *

James awoke with a killer hangover and a bright patch of sunlight in his face. His head felt like it was splitting into two. _What time was it?_

A large shape moved in front of him, and James felt about for his glasses. He slid them on and raised his head slightly, Marlene swimming into view in front of him. "Morning, James. Happy New Year." She handed him a mug, and without asking, he drank it. He trusted that Marlene was giving him something helpful.

He sipped, and immediately his head cleared several degrees. "What-" his voice was a harsh rasp in his throat, and he cleared it, "what is this?"

"My concoction," she explained. "Supposed to help with hangovers. Is it working?"

He drank again, more deeply this time. The hot, peppery liquid slid down his throat, calming his stomach. "Yeah, it does. Congratulations."

Marlene smiled. "It's half past two, by the way. You might want to get up. Aren't your parents arriving home at four?"

That was what prompted James off the sofa. "Right. You're right. Who else is up?"

"Pretty much everyone except you and Lily," she said, the grin clear in her voice. "We're tidying up right now, so if you want to go and make yourself decent, I'll wake her." James looked around the room and saw Lily passed out on the sofa, her red hair splayed around her, her skirt fanned out and makeup smudged. She looked stunning in her sleep. James nodded in Marlene's direction and quickly walked upstairs.

He downed Marlene's potion before taking a shower, scrubbing at the stale sweat and smell of alcohol. He was starting to feel a lot better, and bad for Muggles. They had to deal with hangovers organically. Must be a pain.

Coming downstairs, he found most of the rooms cleaned up, to his guilt. To help, he disposed of the bottles where his parents wouldn't find them. "Thanks, everyone."

His parents arrived not long after, and then everyone was packing up and getting ready to go home for the last week of the hols. Most of them used the Floo network, though the Muggleborns went to the village and were picked up from there.

The week before school flew by, James and Sirius training every day and sleeping in the same room at night (Sirius still couldn't stand to be in a bed alone). His best friend was shaping up nicely, to James' pleasure, and he was growing more pleased with his decision to make Sirius the Beater for the team. Remus came by to visit once or twice, and so did Peter, as he lived barely ten minutes' walk away.

On the Saturday, James and Sirius sat at the table with James' parents for their last proper meal together before the boys left for King's Cross the next morning. James' dad unfolded the evening newspaper that was lying beside him.

"Anything interesting?" James said, his mouth full of steak-and-kidney pie. Fleamont rustled the papers to the front page, then went deathly still, going white.

"...Dad?" James asked hesitantly, and everyone at the table seemed to sit up. "What is it?"

Fleamont closed his eyes slowly, then opened them again. "The Ministry of Magic is issuing a draft."

Sirius frowned. "What?"

"Every young, able-bodied witch or wizard in the Kingdom of Great Britain graduated from Hogwarts and younger than thirty is required to report to the Ministry to help the war effort," Fleamont read, and Euphemia's eyes bugged.

"Oh, goodness," she exclaimed, "that'll include the Pettigrew girl, Peter's sister, and the Longbottom boy in a few months, won't it?"

"It also includes some of our professors," Sirius said heavily. "Professor Griffiths, the DADA one, and the Care of Magical Creatures one."

"Oh, no," James groaned. "Griffiths was the best DADA professor we've ever had. How are we ever going to pass our NEWTs if they keep giving us wizened old men who don't know a curse from a jinx?"

"James, that's hardly the biggest problem," his mother admonished, and James went red.

"It'll be something, that's for sure," Fleamont said with an air of finality.

* * *

For a while when they got back to Hogwarts, the draft was all anyone could talk about. People's siblings were signing up out of their own free will, signing up reluctantly, fleeing the country, and joining the other side. Lily had had a field day explaining it to her parents, who were rightfully extremely worried, and had told her on at least three occasions in the last twelve hours that she wasn't to submit to the draft. Lily had needed to explain that she wasn't an adult yet.

At the feast, when Dumbledore rose, chatter didn't even stop. McGonagall tapped her spoon to her glass sharply, and everyone eventually fell silent under her glare.

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Welcome back to Hogwarts, and a happy new year to you all. I trust you all had a restful and enjoyable holiday. As per the new draft issued by the Ministry, we have lost two of our professors. Luckily, we have found suitable and able replacements. Please welcome Professor Silvanus Kettleburn as the Care of Magical Creatures professor, and Professor Cantankerus Nott as the new Defence against the Dark Arts professor!" There was some muted applause.

Lily sized up the two new teachers. Kettleburn was middle-aged and had a lot of scars, enough to even rival Remus. His left leg below the knee was replaced by a prosthetic, and what seemed to be a living twig walked along his shoulders. From what Lily remembered from the third year, it was a Bowtruckle.

Nott was another issue. Lily recognised the name as the man who had penned the dictionary of the twenty-eight pureblooded families in Great Britain, and immediately disliked him. His grandson was in Hogwarts when Lily was in the third year, though now he had graduated. To join You-Know-Who, no doubt. And now this blood purist was the Defence professor.

"Because several seventh-year students have decided to leave early to join the draft," Dumbledore continued, "the position for the head of the Duelling Club is now open. Before she left, Professor Griffiths instructed that the position be given to Avni Choudhary."

A huge cheer went up from the Hufflepuff table, and Avni smiled and blushed. There was quite a lot of angry mutters from the Slytherin table (which was expected) but also a reasonable amount from the Ravenclaw table and horror of horrors, even the seventh-year Gryffindors. Lily turned to Dorcas. "Why is everyone so-"

"Look," Dorcas said urgently, peering up at the teacher's table. Professor Nott had gone red, and his face was set into a steely cold rage. Lily shivered.

"What's his problem?"

"Avni Choudhary is a brilliant witch, but she's got many things going against her," Dorcas explained, her tone seething. All their friends leaned in to listen as she continued. "Not only is she a Hufflepuff Muggleborn, she is of Indian descent, and a girl. And that's simply unforgivable to most of the other seventh-years who were vying for that position."

Lily gritted her teeth. "That's utter idiocy. She's extremely clever, she deserves it!"

"You can bet your bollocks Nott isn't going to take this lying down," James said, shooting a glance at the new professor. "He looks livid." James looked pretty angry himself, Lily was pleased to note.

Sirius gave a barely suppressed shudder, and Mary quirked her eyebrow at him in question. "One of my extended cousins married into the Nott family," he explained. "They're as bad as mine, worse in some cases even. And Cantankerus-"

"He's the one who wrote that dictionary, the one with the twenty-eight families," Marlene finished, her face grave. "He's as purist as they come. We're in for a hell of a term, I'll tell you that."

Luckily, the food appeared, and everyone was too busy eating to continue the conversation. Just as Lily stood up to go back to the dorm, Severus walked up to the Gryffindor table, holding a scrap of parchment.

Her friends didn't bother hiding their disgust. "What're you doing here?" Sirius demanded, and Mary frowned. Even Dorcas, who was usually the most neutral, stiffened. Lily guessed that the mentions of the war stirred up hostility.

Severus sneered. "I'm having a conversation that has got nothing to do with you, Black. Hard for you to imagine there's something in my life that doesn't concern you, I suppose."

Sirius snorted. "It is when it comes to you, Snivelly. As if you even have a life. What did you do over the hols, wank to pictures of Evans while sobbing because you know no one will ever love you?"

Lily went beet red and opened her mouth to stop Sirius before Severus got there first. He shook slightly with fury. "Whatever I did, it can't be worse than your holiday. How was the Unforgivable?"

Lily froze, as did most of her other friends, and turned to Sirius. "What?" Dorcas asked, finding her voice first.

Sirius had gone white and deathly still. James took over as Remus rubbed his boyfriend's back. "Hilarious, Snape," James said quickly, his eyes flashing with anger. "Now get lost."

Severus' eye twitched. "I'm here to talk to Lily, Potter. You don't _own_ her."

James clenched his knife very, very tightly. "No, I don't. But you're making everyone upset, so say what you have to and go."

Snape opened his mouth again, but Lily interjected quickly. She couldn't take any more of this. "Severus, what is it?"

He turned to her, the corners of his mouth softening. "Here," he said, and shoved the parchment into her hand before turning and glaring at the rest of the Gryffindors. "That's all I came to do. Fuck you." he turned and walked away very quickly.

Marlene looked at Lily, her eyes wide. "What does he want?"

"I've no idea," she replied, clutching the parchment tightly.

Later, when her friends' focus had moved onto something else, she unraveled the scrap and stared at it. _Bathroom, ten o'clock. Please come._

* * *

Despite her misgivings, Lily went. She walked through the darkened school, bumping into a Ravenclaw Prefect patrol, but was let go after flashing her own Prefect badge. The old bathroom where she and Severus used to meet was in an awful state, with cracked tiles and mirrors, peeling wallpaper, and puddles of murky water from burst pipes on the floor.

Severus was waiting for her, standing over the abandoned cauldron they used to use. One look at him and Lily could tell that they weren't going to be doing any potion-making tonight. She stepped over a puddle gingerly. "What did you ask me here for?"

Severus' mouth was set in a hard line, his hair shiny in the dim light. "Happy New Year, Lily."

She gave him a half smile. "Happy New Year. Though I know you didn't call me here for that."

He sighed, but stepped closer. "I'll cut to the chase, then. Did you - did you shag Lupin?"

Lily stared at him, feeling as if she had been slapped. "What the fuck?"

"Because that's what everyone was saying," he continued, talking quickly, "that one morning you both came in looking like - well - and I just have to tell you, what _were_ you thinking-"

She raised a hand for him to stop, and he did, his voice eking out uncertainly. "Firstly, who I have sex with is none of your business. _None_ , Severus. I don't belong to you."

"Wait, listen," he said desperately. "I know something about him, and before you ask, I have told Dumbledore, but the senile old fool forbade me from telling anyone else. He's - he's a _werewolf_ , Lily."

Lily turned and stared at him in utter shock, and he mistook her silence for horror. "I know we disagree on a lot, but I think we can agree that werewolves are dangerous creatures-"

"Shut up," Lily said, her mind spinning, "please." He obliged, and she took a few seconds to think. "How do you know this?"

"Er," Severus said, "that's a long story. Either way, please promise me you won't talk to him-"

"Godric, Severus, I've known he was a werewolf since the fourth year," Lily burst out, and Snape stared at her. "He's still _Remus_ , and he's one of my best friends. So no, I won't stop talking to him. Also, I never shagged him in the first place, not that you needed to know that."

"Lily," he said loudly, "werewolves are dangerous creatures. You can't possibly-"

"They're only dangerous on the full moon, and Remus told me he's kept far away from people then!" Lily yelled. "He would never want to hurt anyone, not even the likes of you. So stop it. I'm leaving." she made good on her word and marched away as fast as she possibly could, breaking into a run for the safety of Gryffindor tower.

She burst through the portrait hole into the common room, where Alice Fortescue from the year above handed her a note. "Marlene told me to give you this," she said, and Lily scanned it quickly. _We're in the boys dorm. Come quick._ With a muttered _thanks_ to Alice, she ran up the boys' stairs and into the dorm.

Lily had never been here before, their meeting place always being the common room, library, Great Hall, or grounds. In the wake of the war, though, it made sense that the more private discussions should happen in here. It was cozy, and didn't smell nearly as bad as she'd imagined (though they'd all just come back from holiday, she supposed.) One wall was covered in scraps of parchment with reminders and jokes scrawled on them, and photos dotted the walls. She noticed the two from their holiday just now, the Christmas sweater one and the New Year one. A record player stood in the corner, and posters of Muggle bands covered the walls. Stacks of books and notes were piled up, and one of the five beds was stripped, without hangings or any sheets. Lily supposed the room would be a lot messier during the middle of term time.

Her friends were sitting in a circle, Peter holding some newspapers and Mary sharing out some Liquorice Wands. "Why's there an empty bed?" Lily inquired, dropping down onto a pillow.

"Shacklebolt finally moved out for good," Remus replied, munching on a wand. "We were wondering when it would happen, he's practically in the Ravenclaw dorms all the time anyway."

Dorcas raised her eyebrows. "I didn't know that was allowed."

James shrugged. "I think the teachers have bigger things to worry about," he said, "and so do we, quite frankly."

"Yes," Marlene burst out. "Sirius, why did Snape ask how you found the _Unforgivable_?" Lily's stomach dropped. She had forgotten that little tidbit.

Sirius swallowed from where he was with his head on Remus' lap, and Remus opened his mouth. "I don't think-"

"No, it's fine, Moony," he said, his voice raspy. "They deserve to know." He turned to the girls. "When I went back to my family's house for Christmas, my cousin Bellatrix and her husband Rodolphus Lestrange convinced my mother and father that the only way to be able to control my movements and have me be the perfect son was by making me swear an oath to You-Know-Who, just like them. My mother wanted me to make an Unbreakable Vow to promise that I would swear it the moment I turned seventeen. I refused, so they tortured me with the Cruciatus, and my brother managed to tell James in time. He got Remus, and they Flooed me out of there."

All this was told without a hint of inflection, and Lily was stunned that Sirius Black, the most dramatic person she knew, was telling a story of this magnitude without a hint of theatrics. "Oh, _Sirius_ , love," Lily breathed, her heart aching impossibly.

Marlene launched herself across the room and smothered Sirius in a hug. Mary piled on, and then Lily, and Remus was trapped under it all. Soon, they were all in a heap, and laughing, and Sirius said "Now, now, I'm not dying yet," prompting Mary to smack him, and then they all withdrew.

Remus looked down at Sirius, and they grinned at each other. Remus looked up. "Now, I think since Mary's the last one to know, Sirius and I are going out," he said, and Mary's eyes bugged.

"What?" she shrieked, and Sirius and Remus looked scared for a second before she was pummelling them. "Why am I _always_ the last to know?"

Lily chuckled at her friends and glanced around, her gaze snagging on James' face. The expression on it was peculiar, his hazel eyes swimming with barely contained happy tears and was so full of tenderness, it almost made Lily choke up. She hadn't known James Potter was even capable of that kind of love.

Chatter broke out again, prompting her to shuffle over to Remus. "Rem," she said quietly as Marlene and James started yelling about Quidditch, Sirius joining in, "Severus told me that he knew about your... furry little problem. He said he's told Dumbledore, too, only nothing happened. D'you know how?"

Remus stiffened slightly and stopped stroking Sirius' hair. His boyfriend looked up at him, indignant, but a look at Remus' face told him not to push, and he lifted himself out of the lap. Remus chewed on his lip. "Er, yeah, I know how," he said finally.

Lily waited, but nothing else came. "...care to elaborate?"

Remus sighed. "Not really, Lils, no," he said heavily, and turned away, looking over at their friends who were now fighting over which record to put in the player.

Lily picked up the discarded newspaper and looked at the headline again, her stomach sinking with dread when she remembered their new professor. There was bound to be some _events_ soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 29 finished! we're nearly at 30 chapters, 100 kudos, and 2000 hits! thank you guys so so much for reading this and following along, I love writing this fic so much and we're nowhere near done, I promise :) please leave anything you'd like to see in the comments below, and I love you all!


	30. Return Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius run into some trouble. James is awakened.

After the girls left, the dorm seemed suddenly silent and empty. Shacklebolt had never been a major presence in their bedroom from the beginning, but the absence of his trunk and bedding made the room feel a lot emptier. Sirius was glad they had invited the girls in here.

He ducked into the bathroom to get undressed and wash up, dashing water under his armpits and over his face. He pulled a sweater over his pyjamas and stepped back outside, finding James unpacking and Remus already undressed and in bed, reading a book. Peter was fluffing his pillows just right, something that took a while immediately after the holidays.

Sirius rubbed the back of his neck, a bit torn. Whose bed would he sleep in? Remus caught his eye and patted the mattress beside him, and Sirius padded over gratefully. As he got in, however, James stood up and frowned. "Wait, Pads, aren't you going to bunk with me?"

"Why would he?" Remus asked mildly, dropping a kiss onto Sirius' hair. "I'm his boyfriend."

"I'm his brother!" James declared righteously, causing Sirius' heart to swell tenfold. "He's been sleeping in my bed since the first year!"

Remus' arms tightened possessively around him, and Sirius found himself enjoying this argument very much indeed. "All the more reason it's my turn," Remus shot back, and James' brow furrowed.

"Ok, ok," Sirius said half jokingly, raising his arms to placate them. "If you keep fighting, I'll just sleep with Peter."

The boy in question went bright red. "No, you won't!" They all went quiet. Had it been under any other circumstances, with any other Marauder, they would have brushed it off as a joke about Sirius' flailing limbs, or his loud snores. But this was no coincidence. Peter's reasons were clear.

Sirius tried to keep from losing his temper. "All right," he said as evenly as he possibly could. "Remus and James can take turns, then. Prongs, since I'm in his bed right now, I'll stay here."

James nodded tersely, and they all got into bed as Peter put out the lights. Remus closed the hangings, and Sirius snuggled into his chest, feeling soothed by the beat of his heart.

"Sirius, you awake?" Remus said softly, obviously not wanting to alert the other boys.

Sirius grunted slightly as his tempo was ruined. "Am now."

"How did you know? On the train, when we kissed. How did you know I would want to? We never really talked about it beforehand."

Sirius frowned. "Why're you bringing this up now?"

"Just asking."

Sirius thought, casting his mind back to fifth year. "Well, we skirted around it for about a year before anything happened," he remembered. "And on the train, I guess we - well, I just looked into your eyes and you seemed to be telling me. It was impossibly obvious."

"Mmm," Remus said, the rumble of his chest relaxing Sirius. "That's what I thought. Night, Pads."

"Night," Sirius replied, but Remus was already asleep.

* * *

James Potter awoke at quarter to five, used to the routine by now. He got out of bed and located his Quidditch robes, pulling on his shoes and grabbing his broom. As he exited, he remembered his best friend. He marched to Remus' bed and pulled it open, finding their limbs tangled and heads pressed together. "Sirius!"

Sirius didn't move, and James rolled his eyes, sure he would be late. "Sirius," he hissed louder, and the boy groaned. "Shut up, don't wake Remus," James told him, grabbing his arms and dragging him out of bed. Sirius' eyes remained shut, and James shook him. "Mate, wake up. We're going to be late."

He finally managed to open his eyes, and James dragged him to the bathroom and splashed water on his face. He blinked, and James shoved his robes towards him. They eventually got up in time, meeting an impatient Marlene in the common room and then heading to the pitch. Some people were there already - Frank and the other Beater were, as well as one of the Chasers. They all got on their brooms to fly laps while waiting for the last Chaser, a fourth-year girl, and then training began.

James could see Sirius struggling slightly. The pitch was covered in icy mud, and there was a sharp, cold wind that sliced through their robes. The others were used to it, but Sirius' stamina was flagging. He was putting in a valiant effort, though, and James trusted that he would adapt.

After the session, James gave the debrief. "Right. That was a good session, everyone - a solid way to start of the year. We're playing Hufflepuff in two weeks, so I'm ramping up training time - three morning sessions a week, and four evening ones. All right, head to the showers and get a good breakfast, now. Make sure to drink plenty of water. Good job!"

The sun was making its mount in the sky as they trudged back to the warmth of the castle, Sirius pulling his muddy robes around him. "So," Marlene said, "how was it, Sirius?"

"Cold," he said, and James chuckled. "But I'll be ok soon enough."

James indulged in the nice warm shower, watching the mud swirl down the drain and the mirror fog with steam. He only came out when the cold in his bones had finally thawed, and when he stepped out to wake his friends, Sirius was still in the shower. He whipped open the curtains. "C'mon, Moony, Pete, wake up. We want to get the good sausages."

Remus groaned. "Just because you get up at the fucking crack of dawn doesn't mean that the rest of us have got to," he complained.

James rolled his eyes, tying the curtains back. "You'd better hurry up if you want to get a shower in time. Sirius is hogging it."

Peter immediately launched himself out of bed and towards the shower, and James shrugged at Remus. "You know he's going to be on the bog for ages. If I were you, I'd just skip it, mate."

* * *

Remus dragged himself out of bed once James had gone, both bathrooms occupied. He felt awfully tired and cold and sleep-mussed, and needed a hot shower. Unfortunately, he had Charms first thing and needed to get down to breakfast soon.

He knocked on Sirius' door. "Pads? You've been in there a while, hurry up, I need the loo."

A beat of silence, where only the roar of water could be heard. Then, "You can come in."

Remus stopped still, certain he had misheard. "What?"

"Oh, come on," Sirius said, and Remus could hear the smile in his voice. "We share a bed already, what's wrong with a shower."

 _We aren't both naked in bed,_ Remus thought, then immediately amending his statement. _Well, most of the time, at least_. He took a breath and cracked open the door, steam engulfing him immediately. He could see Sirius' shadow outlined in the shower curtain. "Come on, you can come in."

Despite the fact that they had shagged twice, Remus' entire nervous system seemed to flood with nervousness. "Er... should I keep my shirt on?"

" _Moony_ ," Sirius admonished, "I sincerely hope that wasn't a genuine question, or I must be less charming than I once thought. Hurry up, now. We do still have classes, y'know."

Remus unbuttoned his shirt slowly, still hesitant. The first time, they had been in the throes of passion, and had barely had time to properly observe each other. The second time, they had only had the light of the moon to see each other by. Now, it was different, and it was far too clear.

Sirius got impatient quickly and whipped aside the curtain for Remus to step in. At the sight of him, Remus' breath disappeared entirely. His hair was wet and clung to his neck and ears, his eyes shone with mischief and playfulness, water droplets snaked down his perfect body. Without thinking, Remus reached out a hand and brushed his cheekbone, and Sirius shuddered. "Hi," he whispered, and then their lips were meeting and all ideas of actually getting clean were forgotten.

They didn't go all the way this time, they had neither the time nor the adequate space, but it was needless to say they had both enjoyed it immensely. "Shower sex is a definite yes for next time," Remus panted, still unbelieving that he could so gallantly promise a repeat of this and Sirius would want it. His boyfriend grinned at him, and Remus was engulfed in another wave of love. He reached for the black silky strands, carding his hands through Sirius' hair and kissing him again as the remnants of their lust drained away with the hot water.

There was a pounding on the door, and Remus dropped his hands quickly and stepped away. "Oi, Padfoot! Are you still in there? Can you come out, I need my toothbrush," Peter whined, knocking again. "I want to catch Marlene before class."

Remus had to muffle a laugh, knowing that whatever crush Peter was nurturing on their friend was doomed to end hopelessly. "Coming, Wormy," Sirius said, then froze as he reached the door.

"Where's Moony, by the way?" Peter asked, leaning against the door as Remus realised that there was only one towel and he had no clothes. "I need to beg him for his notes."

"Er... I don't know," Sirius said desperately, having noticed the same problem. "Pete, would you mind going out of the dorm a minute? I need to grab my clothes."

"Just come out in your towel and let me have my toothbrush," Peter said, and then seemed to have an idea. "My wand is right here, I can just unlock the bathroom door."

"Don't do that!" Sirius nearly shouted. "I'll hurry up. Just - Pete - please go."

"It's nothing I haven't seen before," Peter replied crossly. "We've all seen you shirtless, Sirius, you almost seem to flaunt it. Now can you _hurry up_. I'm going to go check where Moony is on the map." Remus shook his head frantically.

"Wait, Peter, no! If you do that, I won't speak to you for a month," Sirius threatened, but it was too late. There was a rustle of paper, a beat of silence, then a shocked _oh_ and a slam of a door. Remus slumped against the wall, feeling revolting. "Peter?" Sirius tried, but there was no reply. He opened the door gloomily. "I s'pose you can go out now."

Remus did, and got dressed as fast as possible, not looking at Sirius. He wasn't ashamed of them, he loved Sirius and their relationship and everything to do with it. It was just when other people were disgusted, it made him feel shameful inside, made their relationship feel dirty and poisoned. Like being a werewolf.

"Breakfast?" Remus asked, all the joy and laughter drained out of the moment they had just had. Sirius nodded and they made their way down, being careful not to touch each other at all.

* * *

Marlene sat at the table with James, munching toast, when Peter came up to her, looking shaken. "Alright, Pete?" she asked around her mouthful. It was rude, but she was starving.

He gave her an eager smile. "Yeah, and you?"

"Fine," she said, then reached for another slice just as Dorcas came into the hall and sat next to Peter. Marlene still hadn't figured out what to do about that situation. Did she _like_ Dorcas? It was too complicated to delve into, so she decided to cope with it the best way they all knew how.

"Hiya, Dorcs," she said with a wide smile. Dorcas looked at her cautiously but returned the greeting, and Peter looked a bit disgruntled. Lily, Mary, Sirius and Remus walked into the hall, and the tension was relieved.

Well, not really. Sirius and Remus stayed far apart from each other, though Marlene didn't get the sense that they were fighting. Peter didn't look at either of them. Luckily, it was nearly time for class, so Marlene got up. "See you at break," she said, and then grabbed Mary's arm and walked to Standard Alchemy together. Mary struggled with her satchel, overflowing with books and parchment. Marlene looked at her. "What's that?"

"Arithmancy," Mary grunted, "and Lord of the Rings. It's hard to tell which one's fatter, really."

Marlene scoffed. "I still don't understand why you take Advanced Arithmancy, it sounds like pure torture."

"I like numbers," Mary argued, "they make sense. If you do things right, the same answer will always be found. It's predictable."

 _Like baking a cake,_ Marlene remembered Dorcas saying. She blinked. "Well, if you say so, Mare."

Mary opened her mouth, but a barked shout came from a group of Slytherin boys nearby. "Oi, Mudblood!" Mary's knuckles whitened around the strap of her satchel, but she didn't react. Marlene clenched her teeth. "Didn't you hear what I said, you filthy pig? I'm talking to you!"

Mary continued to march forward, and they started to clump around her. "Don't you want to hear what I have to say to you?" One boy, Mulciber, jeered, moving closer. "Thinks she's too good for us, doesn't she, lads? Well, we'll show her." He reached a hand out toward's her friend's bum.

"Oi, get lost!" Marlene snapped, having had enough. "Got nothing better to do, have you?"

Mulciber puffed himself up, clearly the ringleader, and Marlene reached for her wand. Luckily, Professor McGonagall walked past, her beady eyes going automatically to the scene. "Would anyone like to explain what is happening here?" she demanded, and the boys seemed to shrink back.

Mary looked at the floor. "Nothing, Professor. We were just walking to class."

Marlene's blood boiled, and she glanced at Mary. Her face remained unreadable, and McGonagall allowed them to walk on to class. Marlene turned to her friend. "Why didn't you say anything? McGonagall would have sided with us, you know that."

Mary chewed on her lip. "They would have got a rap on the knuckles, if we were lucky, and it would only make it worse for me. At least they only called me names this time. It's usually worse."

Marlene stared at her, absorbing the implications of her words. "You mean, they've done this before? Gone further than that?" Mary shrugged, and Marlene's eyes widened. "But you've never told us about this! And Lily's a Muggleborn too, she's never complained-"

"Lily is Lily," Mary interrupted, "and a Prefect, and good at defensive magic and will fight back. I'm an easy target. Just let it be, ok? I can deal with it."

Marlene struggled to keep in control of what was in danger of bursting out of her mouth. With difficulty, she swallowed her words as they reached the classroom. "Ok."

* * *

At lunch, James sat in front of his Arithmancy textbook, trying to figure out a particularly difficult theorem when Mary came and sat down next to him. They both did Advanced Transfiguration and Arithmancy, so often helped each other with homework. She was better with numbers, though, and quickly pointed out where he was going wrong when he asked.

Marlene, Dorcas, and Sirius arrived not too long after that, and Dorcas told everyone that the Prefects had a meeting. James didn't know where Peter was, but he was too hungry to really think about it. He probably had a class. They chatted about banal things, Mary helping James with the problems. She was more subdued than usual, and James wanted to ask why, but she didn't seem in the mood.

When Dorcas and Sirius sucked her into an unrelated conversation, James turned to Marlene. "What's up with Mary?"

His friend's entire face darkened, and James found himself fearing the answer. "Pureblood boys," she muttered, glaring down at her potatoes. James' heart dropped, but he waited. "Yelling things at her, trying to _touch_ her-"

"What?" he asked, keeping his voice calm. "Who?"

"Mulciber and his goons," she spat, and he got up immediately, reaching for his wand. Marlene grabbed his sleeve. "Oh, don't be an idiot, Potter. You'll just get yourself in trouble, you know that."

James clenched his fists as tight as he could, but he sat down. He knew she was right. "What do we do, then?"

"We don't let her walk around alone," was the only thing Marlene told him before checking the time and rising. She addressed the rest of the table. "I've got Ad Herbology now, Dorcas, you coming?"

Panic seemed to flash through Dorcas' face before it disappeared. James frowned, not sure if he'd imagined it, but decided that he had as the two girls walked away. He turned to Mary. "Let's go."

Mary got up and they made their way to Arithmancy, James sticking close by his friend's side. He knew no one would threaten her when he was with her, James being pureblood and popular and a boy and able to fight. He felt a little better knowing that he could protect her in this way, at least.

James hadn't felt real anger much. He had everything going for him and was practically guaranteed a nice, easy life. But he couldn't say the same for his friends, any of his friends really, and he knew that he was the privileged one.

So he vowed to use his privilege, use his position of power, to fight. Fight for what was right, fight for his friends, fight against bigotry. And he was doing his best.

Seeing Mary now, seeing Sirius in his parents' library and Remus after a full moon and all of his other friends in situations they no doubt were facing, James knew he would have to do better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're at chapter 30! I hope you liked reading this, please leave comments and kudos if you did! :)


	31. Sirius' Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Sirius' birthday. What more needs to be said?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: homophobia.

Sirius awoke in an empty bed. His first thought as he slowly swam into consciousness was _where is James?_

He found out soon as the hangings were ripped open and his three best friends stood over him, grinning. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PADFOOT!"

He sat up properly then, blinking the sleep out of his eyes. "Thanks!"

They allowed him an extra-long shower and then hoisted him on their shoulders as they made their way to the Great Hall, Sirius beaming and the other three occasionally shouting "Make way, make way!" When they arrived at Gryffindor table, the girls (well really, half the Great Hall) joined in to sing the birthday song at the tops of their voices. Then there were presents. They had all chipped in to get him a pewter watch that, when he was with someone he loved, would become warm.

Sirius gripped it and smiled around at all of his friends, feeling it heat in his fingers. "Well, what would you know. It's ice-cold."

Marlene swatted him with a rolled-up newspaper and Peter and James poured orange juice down the back of his neck. He gasped and moped about his hair before Lily took pity on him and Vanished the mess. He had Advanced Muggle Studies alone after that, though, but he didn't really mind as it was by far his favourite subject. He had taken it at first just to anger his parents, but had ended up loving it. He loved History of Magic too, especially arguing with Professor Binns about the purist lens of their textbooks. Ancient Runes were ok, but he mostly took it for the drawing opportunities.

At lunch, he realised he only had one class left in the day, which was lousy old Potions, which he had just taken because Remus and James were taking it too. He sighed and loaded his plate up with shepherd's pie, which he belatedly realised was his favourite lunch. He looked around and saw Dorcas grinning at him. "Happy birthday, Sirius. I requested it specifically."

Sirius flashed a smile at her. "Thanks, Dorcs. It's great."

James hurried to the table with Mary and Marlene in tow, grinning excitedly at them. "So, our Hufflepuff supplier agreed to the conditions, granted that we allow their house to come. And there's a Ravenclaw fifth-year that has a huge collection of records, so we're going to allow them, too. The more the merrier, right?"

Sirius arched an eyebrow. "What is this about?"

James' usually olive skin went bright red as Mary whacked him on the shoulder and Marlene rolled her eyes. "Er. Nothing. Nothing at all. Why do you ask?"

Sirius chuckled internally. James was an atrocious liar, but a great friend, and if he wanted to keep the party a surprise, Sirius could play along. "No reason. You ready for Potions?"

At this, Marlene and Mary exchanged grins. "You don't need to be."

Sirius frowned, but the beginning of a smile formed on his mouth. "...dare I ask why?"

Two warm, achingly familiar hands landed on his shoulders. "You don't need to. Come with me. We, Sirius Black, are skiving class."

Sirius turned around and saw Remus there, grinning, and it took all of his willpower not to kiss him right there. "Oh. Uh. Wow. Er. I'm ready," he breathed, trying not to sound too turned on. Their friends waved them goodbye as they made their way up to the dorm.

After specific instructions from his boyfriend to wear the most Muggle clothes he owned, Sirius emerged in a white shirt and his favourite leather jacket, plus his jeans and docs. Remus stood outside, looking adorable in a shetland sweater and trousers. "Dressing like an old man now, Moony?"

Remus blushed, looking down at his boots. "Do I really look old?"

"You look stunning, love." He leaned up, twining his arms around his boyfriend's head and kissed him, long and slow and sweet. They broke apart, still staring into each other's eyes. Sirius grinned stupidly. "Now where are you taking me?"

"You'll have to wait and see," Remus said, then grabbed Sirius' hand and pulled him out of the dorm. "Now come on. We're going to go to town."

* * *

They arrived at the Muggle town half an hour later. Sirius, excited to finally be able to use magic outside Hogwarts, cast a warming charm so they didn't have to wear their coats. They chatted and laughed and held hands and felt completely free and at ease, at least for a couple of hours.

Remus took Sirius to a small pub for lunch where they tried to order beers, but were turned away since they didn't own Muggle identification cards to certify that they were above eighteen (the Muggle drinking age, to Sirius' chagrin). The fish and chips were good, though.

After lunch, they wandered around the village aimlessly for a bit. Sirius perked up when he saw a newsagent's, and Remus laughed and allowed himself to be dragged inside. There was a grumpy old man at the counter who eyed them suspiciously, but Remus didn't care as Sirius positively lit up and began paging through magazines eagerly. "Remus! Isn't this that bloke, your favourite singer?" He lifted it up to show a picture of David Bowie on the front.

Remus grinned. "Hey, you remembered."

"Of course I remembered, I remember everything about you," Sirius said, smiling up at him and moving closer so their breath mingled and foreheads touched, and Remus parted his lips in anticipation of the kiss-

There was a sharp sound at the counter, and Remus automatically sprung backwards. "Oi! None of that nancy boy rubbish in here! You can damn well get out if you're going to bring that into my shop!" the man spat, his lips twisting and spittle flying. "Go on, clear off!"

Remus felt like he had been punched in the chest. His breath eluded him and his whole head was ringing with a strangely numbing, panicking sensation. His body took a few seconds to catch up, and he grabbed Sirius' hand to pull him out of the shop, but his boyfriend stood his ground. "We have every right to be here. We didn't even do anything."

"Sirius," Remus pleaded, looking anywhere but at the shopkeeper, "let's just go. Please."

"I'm not going anywhere," Sirius snarled, squeezing Remus' hand tighter and staring straight at the shopkeeper, whose face contorted into a ferocious, hate-filled expression.

"You'd better clear out before I call the coppers on you," he growled, and fear seized Remus anew. He knew they couldn't afford to be locked up by the Muggle police, they would be forced to call Hogwarts, which meant that Remus would certainly lose his Prefect title and they might even be suspended.

"Sirius," Remus tried again, "he's going to call the police. We need to go." The same thing seemed to register to Sirius, and he finally allowed Remus to drag him out of the shop, still glaring at the man. They stumbled out violently, the bell on the door clanging furiously. Remus kept going, staggering as far away from the shop as possible, only stopping when Sirius slowed outside a small building.

Remus sank down onto a bench, lowering his head into his hands, trying to let the panic subside. Sirius paced ferociously, his boots crunching on the old snow. "That absolute _arsehole_ , the bloody tit, the fucking _nerve_ to kick us out just because we're-"

"Please stop," Remus said tiredly, and Sirius did, his rant eking out uncertainly, a concerned gaze turned on Remus. "Just - stop _fighting_ all the time," Remus said, and then for absolutely no reason, his eyes filled with tears. _Goddamn it, Lupin, get a hold of yourself_.

"Moony!" Sirius dropped onto the bench next to him and took his face in his hands. "Don't cry, please don't cry," he whispered, thumbing the tears off Remus' face. "Don't let that idiot hold that kind of power over you, ok? We're in the right here, and he's in the wrong, so don't you dare let him make you feel this way."

"That's easy to say," Remus mumbled, trying to swallow the tears but failing miserably. "They make me feel like I'm in the wrong, like I'm doing something dirty and shameful, all of them - even Peter."

He could see the anger bloom in Sirius' face as he mentioned their friend. "Peter is a fucking wanker," he declared, and the righteousness and determination in his boyfriend's voice somehow prompted a smile onto Remus face. Sirius saw it and grinned back, the anger clearing off alarmingly quickly. "Knew I could make you smile again," he said, leaning in.

Remus jerked back almost unconsciously, and again Sirius' face changed, into one of hurt this time. "Not - not here," Remus lowered his voice and squeezed his boyfriend's hand. "Later, ok? When it's just us. But not here. Please."

Sirius chewed on his lip, but nodded. "What should we do next?"

Remus took a deep breath and scrubbed his sleeve over his face, then looked around. His eyes fell on the building right next to them, and he got an idea.

* * *

A bell tinged as the door was pushed open, and Remus led Sirius inside. He looked around, noting the sketches taped to the wall and the fancy drawing equipment. "What is this place?"

A boy came out from the back, covered from head to toe in tattoos, and with a mop of bright pink hair on his head. His nose, ear, and eyebrow were pierced, he had the sharpest eyeliner Sirius had ever seen, and he was wearing the coolest clothes. Sirius had thought he was somewhat of a goth with his own leather jacket, but he was nothing compared to this bloke. "Hiya! How can I help you today?"

Sirius turned to Remus, who had a small smile on his face. "Hi. We're here for a tattoo?"

Sirius' eyes widened, and he grabbed both of his boyfriend's hands. "Wait. For me?" Remus nodded, smiling properly now, and Sirius' mouth fell open. "Really? Merlin, you're the best!"

Remus was laughing now, but he hugged Sirius tightly, and Sirius savoured his warmth. "You still have to decide what to get," he reminded him, and Sirius sheepishly reached into his pocket, withdrawing a small scrap of parchment, unfolding it to reveal a rune, an arch shape with a line drawn from the bottom, and three small lines through it. "This. I want this. Over my heart."

The corners of Remus' mouth turned up. "You've thought about this, haven't you? What is it?"

Sirius went a bit red, but he kept going. "It's a rune - the alchemical symbol of amalgamation - that's the process of combining two things in to one. And it has a second meaning, too. Er - it's linked to the Grey Wolf, cause of the base metal, antimony-"

A surprised sound emitted from Remus, then spilled into a laugh of pure joy as Sirius was gathered up into a hug, and then Remus' face was only inches from his and he couldn't imagine the pink-haired boy possibly objecting to this, so he closed the distance and their lips met. It was a quick kiss, a peck, really, but then Remus dropped another kiss on his head. "It's perfect, love. If you're sure."

"I am," Sirius declared, and turned to the fellow at the counter, eyeing him as if daring him to say something. "Er - is this alright, for a tattoo?"

The boy grinned back at them, pushing his hair out of his eyes. "Christ, are you lot like - well, like the rest of us, then?"

Remus immediately withdrew, but Sirius could tell that this boy meant no harm. "Er. If by 'like us', you meant - well - queer-"

"Yeah, obviously," the boy said, still grinning. "I'm Art, by the way. You?"

"Remus, and Sirius," Remus replied, slowly coming out of his shell.

Art laughed, but not unkindly. "Blimey, you lot have some bloody strange names. I'm assuming you go to the posh school nearby, then?"

"Er - yes," Sirius said quickly. "And we're skiving class, so please don't tell anyone."

"I won't," he promised, laughter still dancing in his eyes. "Wicked design, by the way. Where exactly did you want it?"

Sirius lay down on the chair as Art sketched the design on his chest, right in the middle of his ribs, over his breastbone. Remus held his hand as Art powered his tattoo pen on, and Sirius had to marvel at Muggles and their technology, but that was before a clean, bright pain burst through his skin. He squeezed both his eyes shut and Remus' hand tight.

* * *

Once his tattoo was done, Sirius stood up from the chair, feeling a little dizzy. He looked down at his chest and felt the large patch of inflamed, red skin, but saw his tattoo, the rune, standing out clearly amongst it. Remus rubbed his back, but he grinned. "It looks amazing. Thanks, Art."

The boy smiled and accepted Remus' money, before handing them a piece of paper with a number scribbled on it. "I don't know whether you're allowed to use telephones in your posho school, but if you can sneak away, give us a ring. We'd love to have you down at the pub."

"The town pub?" Remus asked. "We've just been there for lunch."

"You should see it on nights we take over," Art said with a wink. "It's not the same place, I promise you. Oh, and watch out for Mr Thomson over at the newsagent's. He's not really fond of our sort."

"We've encountered him," Sirius said wryly, shouldering his leather jacket. "unfortunately. You've been a lot friendlier, if I might say."

Art chuckled. "Well, nice to meet you both. Do pop in sometime, and don't let your teachers catch you missing. It's half past six, by the way."

"Merlin's bollocks," Remus swore, "that's us, then. Thanks again, we'll try to call sometime."

Art waved as they ducked out of the shop, where snow was lightly falling again. Sirius kept rubbing his chest, and Remus had to grab his hand to stop him. "Don't, you're going to get it infected. We'll get a healing potion from Madam Pomfrey later."

Sirius stuck his tongue out, catching a snowflake on the end. "Thank you for today."

"You deserve it," Remus said quietly, and his thumb moved in circles over Sirius' knuckles. "I love you."

Sirius turned to him properly, and they were far enough away from the town that he felt confident no one would see them. "I love you too." He went on his tiptoes, and then they were properly kissing, and the new, white snow seemed to muffle everything else around them, making it seem like they were the only two people in the world.

* * *

James dashed up to the dorm, dragging Peter with him. "Can you help me get the record player down?"

He rolled his eyes. "James, we're magic, you know. Just use a levitating charm."

"Right," James said slowly, "right, you're right. Ok. Is Dorcas done with the food? They're going to be back at any moment!"

Peter placed two hands on his shoulders. "Breathe. You need to calm down. Padfoot will be glad with anything, you know that. As long as it has-"

"Booze, I know," James said, taking a deep breath. "Thanks, Wormy. See you later." He scaled the rest of the stairs and levitated the record player down, stopping to admire the common room. Lily, Marlene and Mary had done a fantastic job with it, draping red and gold streamers everywhere and hoisting a giant banner that read 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIRIUS' and flashed all the colours of the rainbow. A table was set up in the corner, and Dorcas was arranging food on it, in the center being a ginormous cake. "This looks great! It's his favourite, right?"

"Yep," she confirmed, adjusting a few plates, "strawberry sponge with chocolate icing. Don't worry, I remembered."

"I'm not worried," James reassured, but felt a little better all the same. "I'm sure it's delicious, Dorcs."

A sound emitted from his pocket, and he pulled out the mirror to see Remus' face, and managed to make out that they were in the hospital wing. Before James could ask, he whispered "Sirius got a tattoo, don't be mad. We'll be back in two, so start the surprise." He abruptly disappeared before James could reply.

"Two minutes, everyone!" James yelled, and Lily switched off the lights as all the Gryffindors and most of the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws from fifth through seventh years (they had kicked the younger kids out) all found some place or another to hide.

The portrait hole swung open, and Remus stepped in first, leading Sirius behind him. Everyone leapt up as the lights snapped back on and screamed, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SIRIUS!"

Sirius was laughing, an expression of pure joy on his face (though not much of the surprise James was hoping for, but he only had himself to blame for that.) "Oh my god!"

Lily ran forward to give Sirius a gigantic hug, and then Marlene went and Mary and Dorcas, and James had to shake his head fondly at his friends. Someone turned the player on and Mary's record started to play, the volume magically amplified.

  
_Tony went to fight in Belfast_

_Rudi stayed at home to starve_

_I could make it all worthwhile as a rock & roll star_   
  


James clapped Sirius on the shoulder as the girls finally let go of him. "Happy birthday, mate. Hope you like the party."

"I love it," Sirius nearly shouted over the music and chatter, and James knew he was being sincere. He beamed. "Now, where's the booze?"

The alcohol soon started pouring, and they all got drunk fairly quickly. James could tell Sirius revelled the attention he was getting, climbing atop the low table in front of the fireplace and screaming the lyrics to _I'm in Love With My Car_ while slinging his leather jacket into his adoring audience. Well, it was mostly girls flocking around him, trying to be the one to get a blown kiss or a wink from him. Remus stood on the outskirts, watching his boyfriend with a fond smile on his face and nursing a bottle of beer. James sidled up to him.

"Not jealous, are you?"

"Why would I be?" Remus asked, still watching Sirius with a soft look in his eyes. "I trust him."

"You're lucky," James said, taking a long swig from his bottle. "To have figured it out so early. I wish-" he shot a glance at Lily, who was dancing with Marlene and a pair of Ravenclaw boys, "I wish I had that."

"What happened to moving on?" Remus asked mildly. "I thought you convinced yourself to get over her with that whole stint with Hestia?"

James snorted, drinking more beer. "That ended horribly, Moony. I'm surprised I even tried. No, the more Lily's been hanging around us, the more I'm sure - I just can't figure out how to make her see it."

Lily grabbed Marlene's hands and they were jumping up and down, her hair bouncing wildly and a sparkle in her emerald eyes. She looked up and caught James' gaze for a second, and James nearly averted his eyes, but stopped at the last second. She flashed him a huge, slightly tipsy smile, which he readily returned, feeling the familiar swoop of his stomach. That was it. He put his bottle down and pushed off the wall, nodding to Remus before joining the dancing.

James pushed against slightly sweaty bodies, making his way over to Lily and grinning at her. "Mind if I join you?"

Marlene chuckled and let go of Lily's hands. "'M going to get a drink," she shouted, then left. James heaved an internal sigh of relief, and gratefulness towards Marls.

Lily grabbed his hands and spun him around, nearly knocking into Frank Longbottom, who was dancing with Alice. They seemed to be together again, which James was grateful for, too. "Can't the lad dance, Potter?"

His cheeks nearly hurt from the giant beam that stretched across his face, and he twirled her around. Lily smiled delightedly. "Oh, so you've got moves."

"I hope so," James said, and he braced his hands by her waist and lifted her above the sea of heads, spinning her so that her feet brushed everyone else's knees.

He set her down, and she laughed uncontrollably. "Oh my god, that was brilliant," she managed to wheeze. She looked up at him, her eyes glittering, and took his face in her hands. James tried to keep his breathing steady, his heartbeat regular, but he was failing. "Do it again."

So James did, both of them barely able to catch their breaths from laughing and singing songs and cracking each other up. When there was a respite in the fast, upbeat songs, and she twined her arms around his neck and her eyes crinkled up, he thought he could die from this. James vowed to commit every detail of this night into his memory, every dance and screamed lyric and whispered joke. When she finally dragged him to the drinks station, he had to tell himself not to be disappointed. This was a step in the right direction.

* * *

Lily cracked open a beer bottle, savouring the cool liquid draining down her parched throat. She was still holding James Potter's hand, his warm, callused hand, and she didn't want to let go. The alcohol and the music and the atmosphere made her feel loose and flowy and she didn't want the feeling to go away.

He was staring into her eyes, with a sort of reverence he probably thought he could cover up pretty well. Lily had to laugh. "What're you looking at?" She didn't mind, though. In fact, she quite liked it. It was a nice change from all the boys whose only goal was getting into her knickers.

"You," he said simply, and his gaze dropped from her eyes to her lips. She felt herself moving closer, and was she really about to kiss him?

"Evans, nice party," a drawl came from behind her, and she turned around, finding Gilderoy Lockhart standing beside her, leaning in what he probably thought was a cool way against the table. In reality, he just looked like a fool. Unfortunately, through what she could only assume was a lapse in judgement, he was Head Boy. And he was a fucking pain in the arse. It was Sirius' birthday party, though, so she vowed to be civil.

"Thanks, Lockhart," Lily said, drinking again from the beer bottle. She wished this conversation would end soon, she was still holding James' hand and wanted to get back to dancing.

"What d'you think of Avni Choudhary?" he asked in what he seemed to be hoping was a casual tone, and Lily's good mood evaporated.

"I think she's an excellent choice," she replied, keeping her voice measured. "Why, d'you disagree?"

"Look, I know a lot of people have a problem with her being a Muggleborn, or a girl, or a Paki," he said condescendingly, and Lily's blood boiled, "but that's not the issue here. She's a _Hufflepuff_. You know, in the almost a millenium now that Hogwarts has existed, there has _never_ been a Hufflepuff Head of Duelling Club. It's a respected position, and while all their houses have their individual strengths, Hufflepuffs simply aren't cut out to be leaders like that. They're more of a follower house, if you catch my meaning-"

"I really don't-"

"See," he continued patronisingly, "if it had been Ravenclaw or Gryffindor, or even Slytherin, Merlin knows those bastards are ambitious, it would have made sense. But _Hufflepuff_? Hufflepuff is the house of the kindly but ineffective, the warm and considerate but not very clever. They're not _suited_ to being Head of the Duelling Club."

James squeezed Lily's hand, and somehow that gave her the energy to respond. "So _you_ could have it instead, you mean?"

Lockhart smiled, clearly having led the conversation to this point. "I don't mean to sound conceited, but I do have many of the qualifications necessary for the position. For example-"

"Oh, shut up, you wanker," James finally broke in, and Lily's heart swelled.

"You're not even half the wizard Choudhary is, and you know it," Lily finished, to Lockhart's stunned expression. "And she's not even from Pakistan, you idiot. If you're going to be bigoted, at least be educated about it." And before he could respond, Lily dragged James back into the dancing.

* * *

After the cake was cut, Remus was getting a little bored. He shoved another piece of it into his mouth. It was delicious, light and fluffy with decadent chocolate cream in between the layers of sponge. At least he had _something_ to do. He knew Sirius thrived off positive attention, having got so little of it in his childhood. He thrived off being seen, being recognised, being appreciated. And Remus loved that about him.

But while his boyfriend was absolutely gorgeous and watching him be happy was one of Remus' favourite pastimes, seeing Sirius do the same thing over and over got boring. James was off with Lily, Marlene was dancing with Dorcas and Peter (who looked too delighted for his own good), and Mary was snogging some Hufflepuff boy. As if there wasn't enough drama already.

Remus accepted another whiskey from someone, he didn't know who, when Sirius ripped his shirt open at the climax of the song, buttons popping everywhere. The girls around him shrieked at his toned chest, flat abdomen, and muscular figure, but mostly at his new tattoo, which was now healed against his chest. Sirius grinned at them, running a hand through his hair and throwing his shirt into the crowd of girls, who screamed even louder.

Merlin. Why did they all go so mad around him? Well, Remus was hardly in the position to ask that question, seeing as he was currently the one in love with the boy. He sighed and downed his drink, losing track of how many he had swallowed.

The song finally ended and a more mellow one came on, prompting Sirius to finally step down from the table and the girls to disperse slowly. He cast his gaze around and caught Remus' eye, grinned widely and unashamedly, and sauntered over to the wall where Remus was standing.

His path was blocked, though, by a Ravenclaw seventh-year girl. She was pretty, Remus supposed, as someone who wasn't interested in girls. She had long straight black hair, a little longer than Sirius', and an angular face. "Happy birthday, Sirius," she said in a sultry tone, sticking her exposed chest in his direction.

Sirius didn't even look down at them. "Thanks," he said vaguely, trying to push past her, but to the girl's credit, she stood her ground.

She adopted a sexier pose, practically pushing her tits into Sirius. "I'm Isla Brown, by the way. What say you and I take this up to the dorms?"

Sirius finally looked her way, flashing her a grin. "Sorry, Isla, I'm a married man." Remus' heart swelled with those words, and he couldn't stop a giant smile from breaking out onto his face. Sirius caught his gaze and beamed back.

The girl looked confused, then disappointed, but pushed a bottle into his hands, the outside wet with condensation. "Well, at least take this," she said, then melted away into the crowd.

Sirius chugged it, a little bit of beer trickling down his chin. As he reached Remus, he used his wrist to wipe it away. "Hi, Moony."

"Hi," Remus said, taking his hand and squeezing it, then returning his leather jacket. "You'd better put this on, you're attracting a lot of attention."

Sirius grinned at him, taking the jacket and draping it around his shoulders. "Jealous?"

"No," Remus grumbled good-naturedly, but slung an arm around Sirius' shoulders. His boyfriend leaned into him. "Having a good time?"

"The best," Sirius said happily, draining the rest of the bottle. He turned to Remus and moved his head closer, parting his lips, when Remus moved backwards again.

"Only when we're in private, remember?" Remus said quietly, hating himself for doing this, but being too scared to not. "Later, love. I promise."

Sirius nodded, but quickly walked away when he heard his name being called by Peter. Remus sighed.

* * *

He was sitting on a pillow in the corner of the room later, having a conversation with one of his Ravenclaw classmates about Potions. Yes, they were both terribly boring for talking about school in the middle of a party, but that was Remus.

When the other boy left, Remus looked around and saw Sirius by the drinks, an odd expression on his face. He hoisted himself up and went over to him. "You doing ok?"

Sirius said nothing, and Remus tried to reach for his hand. Sirius gave a sharp breath and pulled away, and Remus frowned. "Sirius-"

"I can't do this anymore," he said suddenly, and Remus' heart nearly stopped.

"Can't do what anymore?" he asked, trying to keep calm. This was probably a misunderstanding, a-

"Us," Sirius said, and Remus' whole world froze. "I don't love you, Remus, I never have."

Remus' entire stomach dropped, and all he could do was stand completely still as Sirius walked away. He didn't think he was breathing. He didn't think he would ever breathe again.

* * *

James needed the bog.

After about five drinks, his bladder was absolutely bursting. He told Peter, then dashed up to the dorm, taking the stairs three at a time. He wrenched the door open, then registered what was going on in front of him.

Sirius was on his practically unused bed, his leather jacket thrown onto the floor. A girl was on top of him, and they were snogging messily, all tongues and wandering hands. James stared. "What the _fuck_ is going on here?"

Sirius shot up, then grinned drunkenly at James. "Prongs. This's Isla Brown, and... I'm in love with her."

" _What_?" James' eyes nearly fell out of his head. "Where is Remus? What are you _doing_?"

"D'you mind closing the door on your way out?" the girl said, and then James got it.

He pulled his wand out. "Brown, was it? You'd better tell me exactly what you used on him and then get the fuck out of the party before I tell Dumbledore what you've done."

She stared right back at him. "I didn't do anything."

"Bullshit," James spat, and he levelled his wand at her. "Now, I mean it. _Get out_ before I make you."

She gave him a withering glare and got up. "Who is his girlfriend?"

"That's _none_ of your business. And I said _get out_." She finally did, stalking out of the dorm. James ran over to his friend.

Sirius looked utterly debauched, his lips red and swollen and his hair mussed. "Whas happenin'?" he slurred, and James hoisted his best friend's arm over his shoulder, hoping that Remus still had the mirror on him. He dug his own out of his pocket. "Remus. Remus!"

It took a while, but Remus finally replied, his eyes red and voice barely more than a croak. "What do you want?"

"This girl used a love potion on Sirius," he explained, and Remus' eyes widened, then he stood up.

"Meet me in the hospital wing," Remus said, and James tucked the mirror away. Getting Sirius to stumble through the halls of Hogwarts inebriated while being quite drunk himself proved to be a task, but he managed it. Poppy Pomfrey was truly a saint, giving Sirius the antidote and turning a blind eye on what was clearly three plastered boys. They managed to haul Sirius, now practically asleep, back to Gryffindor Tower, where James told Lily to end the party.

There were quite a few groans and complaints, but James knew that the Prefects really didn't want to deal with dozens of drunk Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs waking up in the common room, so they were shooed out. They finally stumbled to the dorm, utterly knackered, and fell into their beds, Sirius in with Remus.

James exhaled into his pillow, the alcohol finally catching up to him, and closed his eyes. He fell asleep immediately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'Star' by David Bowie.  
> I love how my chapters just keep getting longer and longer :) hope you enjoyed this one! please leave comments and kudos if you did! :)) love you all


	32. Quidditch Match Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hufflepuff versus Gryffindor Quidditch match. Dorcas is confused. Lily takes one for the team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for 2000 hits everyone! I love you all!

The afternoon after the party, James sat Sirius down while Remus watched. Sirius blinked at them, still nursing a slight hangover from the drinking and whatever that potion was. "What's up?"

"You're an idiot, that's what's up," James told him frankly.

"I'm sorry-"

"How could you just drink whatever some girl gave you, a girl who clearly wanted to get into your pants? Do you even think?"

"I know, and I'm sorry," Sirius said, looking at Remus, hoping his boyfriend knew the apology was for him. "I was thirsty, and the bottle was there, and-"

"You need to be more careful," James admonished. "If I hadn't barged in when I did, you would have gone a lot further than what you did, and I don't think any of us want that."

"Ok, Mum," Sirius groaned, swiping the heel of his hand over his eyes. "I've said I'm sorry, and it won't happen again."

James stood up and clapped his friend on the shoulder. "Don't be an idiot. See you at practice in half an hour, and don't be late." He walked out of the dorm before Sirius could throw something at him.

Sirius turned to Remus. "I wanted to say, now that Prongs has gone, I'm really, really sorry. I don't remember exactly what I said, but - I didn't mean it. At all. It was the potion talking."

"I know," Remus said gently. "It's ok. It was that girl's fault, anyway."

Sirius looked up at Remus, whose amber eyes caught the sunlight and gleamed. "You know," he said, a smile turning the corners of his mouth up, "I was promised another birthday present. In private."

Remus grinned, gazing at Sirius with such tenderness that he almost couldn't handle it. "Yes, you were."

"We have thirty minutes," Sirius breathed as Remus pushed him down onto the bed and rolled on top of him.

* * *

That evening, Dorcas was minding her own business and eating her dinner when Sirius strolled into the Great Hall, ten minutes late for the meal. He grinned smugly, running his hand through his still-damp hair. The top four buttons on his shirt were undone and his tie unknotted around his neck, displaying rows of red and purple marks along his throat. His appearance, and more importantly the marks, incited chatter throughout the hall. McGonagall looked equal parts amused, scandalised, and exasperated at the head table.

Mary grinned as Sirius took a seat. "Get a bit carried away, did we, Remus?"

Remus went bright red, stirring the stew in front of him. "Er."

Dorcas couldn't help herself, she burst out laughing. "You're both idiots."

Sirius had the audacity to look affronted. "All right, Meadowes, no need to act jealous just because you haven't got anyone to give _you_ a love bite or two."

Dorcas snorted and rolled her eyes, but Marlene interjected, her voice casual as she bit into a piece of roast pork. "I'd give Dorcas a love bite."

Everyone started to laugh, but Dorcas couldn't move. _I misheard that. I must have misheard that._ She dared a glance at Marlene, who was chewing her meat nonchalantly. Dorcas didn't think she imagined the wink her friend threw her, and sank back in her chair, feeling a little out of sorts for the rest of the meal.

* * *

On the morning of the Hufflepuff versus Gryffindor Quidditch match, Lily followed her friends up the rickety wooden stairs into the Gryffindor stands, enjoying the mild winter sun and sharp breeze. Mary and Peter carried between them a giant red poster with the words _Go, Potter, McKinnon, Black_ emblazoned on it in flashing gold letters, no doubt to embarrass their friends who were playing. Lily wrapped her Gryffindor scarf tighter around her neck, trying to ward off the cold.

The Quidditch teams walked onto the pitch, James and Hestia shaking hands. Lily could sense the tension between them from up where she was. Her friends unfurled their banner, and then the match started. James got the Quaffle almost immediately.

"Good afternoon, Hogwarts," the commentator said, and Lily immediately groaned when she saw who it was.

"It's morning, Mr Lockhart," McGonagall corrected.

"And welcome to our first match of the season."

"This is our third match."

"Now," Lockhart continued, "Potter gains possession of the Quiffler almost immediately-"

"It's a Quaffle-"

"-and passes it to Ivers, who is also perched on a Cleansweep. They're all in the rage at the moment. I would know, of course, as I temporarily worked at Quality Quidditch Supplies one summer. The manager, Arnie Garbunckle, his name was, dotty old fellow, but at least he recognised my talent and promoted me to assistant manager within a week. That's what comes from extensive knowledge and talent-"

"Gryffindor scores!" McGonagall said, grabbing the megaphone from him. "Lockhart, stay focused on the game."

"A point to Gryffindor, excellent shot by Potter-"

"It's _ten_ points for a goal, Lockhart-"

"Right, Professor. As I was saying-" There was a loud gasp as Sirius whacked a Bludger directly at the Hufflepuff Chaser holding the Quaffle. He spun in the air and dropped it, only to have it neatly picked up by a Gryffindor Chaser.

"Black hits the Bulger at Treacle, his name was?"

"It's a Bludger, and his name is _Terry_ -"

"Exactly, Professor." Lockhart nodded smugly, and Lily turned to Dorcas and Remus, exchanging looks as if to say _can you believe this idiot?_ "Now, it's interesting Black's on the Gryffindor team at all, considering that he didn't even try out at the beginning of the year like everyone else, but that's what comes with being best mates with the Captain, one supposes-"

There were immediate boos from all around the stadium as people protested Lockhart's words, Lily and her friends most of all. Sirius' popularity seemed to be working out for him in this one way, at least. Wright, the previous Beater, looked quite happy as did his friends, however, but they were the minority.

"Another ten points to Gryffindor!" McGonagall screamed, tugging the megaphone away from Lockhart. "Stay focused on the game!"

"And has Seeker Jones spotted something?" Lockhart asked, finally commenting on the actual match. "Great girl, she is, I asked her out once. She said no, though I know that's because she felt I was too unattainable, not to mention the jealousy she would be targeted with, I _am_ quite popular with witches-"

Lily was now laughing too hard to pay attention to the match, but sat up as Jones dived for the ground, Frank closely tailing her. They were neck in neck, plummeting to the floor, both their arms stretched out towards the Snitch-

A big _oooh_ echoed throughout the stadium as a Hufflepuff Beater hit the iron ball at the two Seekers, pulling them both off course and causing them to lose the Snitch. Hestia gave her a thumbs up, and Lily had to admire the girl's encouraging nature.

"Now," Lockhart was saying, as Gryffindor scored another goal, "I would play Quidditch, the Ravenclaw team Captain practically begged me, but I'm already the Head Boy. I can't take _all_ the opportunities the school has to offer and leave nothing for everyone else, can I?" He smiled toothily, and Lily was torn between wanting to laugh and wanting to punch him.

The match went on, with a great many goals to Gryffindor. Hestia caught the Snitch just as Gryffindor reached fourteen goals, resulting in a very near loss. The players all landed and the captains shook hands again, but Lily could see the devastation on James' face.

* * *

Sirius trudged out of the showers, feeling defeated. They had lost, and though it was a team sport, Sirius couldn't help feeling like it was his fault. He'd joined midway through the year, fucking up the team's entire dynamic, he was the one who'd not been there to defend Frank when the Hufflepuff player sent a Bludger at him. He scrubbed at his hair with a towel before chucking it on the bed, and noticed James, who had his head between his knees. "Prongs, you ok?"

James squeezed his eyes shut. "It was my fault we lost. I'm Captain."

Sirius snorted. "Don't give yourself so much credit. It was my fault, I messed up the team by barging in."

"I missed two shots! Two shots that could have made it in and won it for us!"

"You scored nine out of the fourteen goals, give yourself a break!"

"And you stopped Hufflepuff from scoring three times!"

They both stared at each other, chests heaving, before Sirius broke first and threw his arms around James' neck. "We need to train harder, don't we?"

James gripped his entire body. "We need to work on some new strategies, and-"

Remus entered the room, doing a double take when he saw Sirius and James hugging and making training plans. "Oh no. What weird bonding moment have I stumbled into?"

James chuckled and let go of Sirius, ruffling his best friend's hair. "I'm going to go eat something. Pads, coming?"

"Nah, I'll get a snack later," he replied. "Go ahead." James left.

"Sirius - we need to talk," Remus said, and Sirius' stomach dropped all the way down to the ground floor. Remus caught his panicked expression. "Oh, Merlin, nothing like _that_ \- this is about last night."

Sirius filled his lungs with air cautiously. "Ok... what about it?"

"Rumours are spreading," Remus started, but then the door to the dorm swung open and Lily stepped in.

"Er, Evans, we're in the middle of a conversation," Sirius glanced at her impatiently, waiting for her to go away, but she didn't.

"Oh, do continue," she said, throwing herself onto Sirius' unused bed and opening her book. "I'll wait."

"It's ok," Remus reassured, the corners of his mouth turning up slightly. "Actually - Lily, we could use your help."

"With what?" Lily and Sirius both asked, with various degrees of irritability, Lily being curious and Sirius being annoyed.

"With you," Remus blurted, turning to his boyfriend. "You showed up at the Great Hall yesterday, covered in - well, and now everyone knows you're with someone, and if you don't think the girls of Hogwarts aren't going to do some digging and find out about us, then you're dead wrong."

"They won't find out," Sirius said, with more confidence than he felt. "Right, Lily?"

"I wouldn't count on it," Lily replied. "They're more resourceful than they seem, and while I don't _think_ our friends would blab, there are other ways."

"And anyway. Would that be so bad, Remus?" Sirius ventured, eyes pleading."For people to know about - us? Our friends already know, and they're all supportive-"

"Not all of them," Remus reminded, his fingers tightening around a bedpost. "You didn't have to show up like that - showing them off-"

"It's because I'm proud of being with you! - and why should we care what other people think?"

"I care!" Remus yelled, slamming a palm into the post. "I care, ok? I care when Peter avoids at us like we're revolting, I care when a man throws us out of his shop. I care what people think of me, that they think I'm disgusting and evil and Merlin knows I have too many other reasons for them to think that, and I know this makes me weak and cowardly, but we can't all fight like you, Sirius." He slumped against the wall, rubbing his hand over his eyes, all the energy seeming to have gone out of him. "I care. So please-"

Lily's eyes flitted between them, and when she spoke, Sirius jumped, having forgotten she was there at all. "I'll do it."

Sirius turned to stare at her. "What?"

"I'll pretend that I fucked you," she challenged, lifting her chin, green eyes flashing. "Everyone already thinks I shagged Remus, what's one more? We can't let Marls be the only resident slag of Gryffindor, can we?"

Remus sat down beside her. "Lils, are you sure? They're going to butcher you, you do realise."

"Oh well," Lily said, grinning now. "It'll be character-building."

"Thank you," Remus choked, throwing his arms around her, and she squeezed back. Sirius wasn't sure what he was feeling, resentment or admiration or respect or hurt or yearning. He took a deep breath.

* * *

They told James first, because it just seemed like a prick move not to. Surprisingly, he understood.

Rumours spread fast, especially one of this magnitude, when the best-looking boy in sixth year was confirmed to be shagging his best friend's long-time crush. Lily was amazed at how quickly treatment towards her changed, how girls she used to be friendly to and share quills with in class suddenly found a reason to no longer be sitting beside her, or spilling ink on her notes or removing a leg from her stool.

She couldn't say it wasn't funny, though, in a morbid way. Her inkwells were filled with Stinksap, her pockets with gravel and her chairs with tiny pins. Girls ran up to her and congratulated her or threatened her, she couldn't say which happened more often or which was more amusing. Less fun was when boys shouted lewd comments at her. Her friends stood by her, though, which was more important.

One Wednesday, she, Remus, Sirius, and Marlene were walking to Potions. "D'you know where James is?" she tried to ask casually.

Marlene looked at her. "He's walking Mary to her next class. She has Charms, I just know he'll be late."

Sirius snorted. "He's really taking that seriously, isn't he?"

Marlene shrugged and nodded. "He's taking what seriously?" Lily enquired, eyes flicking between her friends.

"His thing with Mary," was all Remus offered before they reached the door.

"Wait, what thing with Mary?"

They were cut off by some Ravenclaw boys leering at them. Well, leering at Lily. "Oi, Evans, give us a snog, will you?"

Lily clenched her fists, scowling at them, but she didn't get the chance to respond as James jogged up, face red. "Shut up."

"Oooohh," one of the boys trilled, as the others cackled. "Potter's getting jealous, is he, now that his bird shagged his best friends?"

"She's not 'my bird'," James said calmly, though the muscle that ticked in his jaw betrayed his emotions, and Lily was immensely glad that that was the part he had objected to.

The boy snorted, running a hand through his hair. "Lupin, Black, how was she? Out of ten?"

Remus growled, and Lily could sense he was close to snapping, which would end very badly. Sirius just smirked. "Not like you have anything to compare it to, Greengrass. The most action you've gotten was from your great-auntie Edna. How is she, by the way, with that broken hip, if I'm recalling correctly? Didn't think you'd be into that, but to each their own."

Lily had to admire the way Sirius could turn the conversation, to put the bullies on the defensive without even seeming to put in any effort. "Fuck off," Greengrass finally said, turning away, his attempt at humiliation failed.

Slughorn finally called the class in, and Lily hurried to her desk. She didn't look around at her classmates and got her stuff out for class. The chair beside her scraped, and she groaned internally when she remembered who she sat next to in class.

She could feel Severus' eyes boring into her without even looking at him, could feel his judgemental stare, his betrayed look. Lily clutched her quill so hard she thought it might snap, and poked several holes in her parchment without meaning to. Luckily, it was a theoretical class, which meant she didn't have to actually interact with him.

At the end of class, Sirius, James, and Marlene rushed off to early Quidditch practice, and she heard James tell Marlene to start without him as he was going to get Mary from her Charms class. _What was going on between them?_

Remus stood by the door, waiting patiently for her, but she was stopped by Snape, who grabbed onto her wrist as the classroom emptied, Slughorn walking out. "Lily. Can we talk?"

"Lily, you alright?" Remus asked, moving towards her immediately. While she appreciated the help, she could handle Severus.

"I'm fine-"

"Oh, fuck off, you filthy half-breed," Severus snarled, advancing on Remus. "You don't have ownership over her, just because you fucked her."

Lily's cheeks burned, as did Remus', but she nodded at him. _Don't deny it. This is the whole point._ "What, so _you_ can own her?"

Snape squeezed her wrist, and Lily wrenched it out of his grasp. " _Get your hands off me_ ," she hissed, then turned to Remus. "Let's go, Rem."

"Wait," Severus said, and for some reason, Lily found herself hesitating. "Wait, Lily, please. Can we talk?" He pushed a piece of parchment into her hand, then closed her fingers around it. His skin was icy. "Please. I'll wait." Then he exited the classroom, his robes billowing behind him, knocking roughly into Remus as he left.

Lily immediately rushed to him, knowing he had a nasty bruise on his arm. "You ok, Remus?"

He rubbed his shoulder, then rotated the joint a couple of times, wincing. "Yeah, I'll be alright. You?"

"Fine," she muttered tersely, rubbing her eyes. She suddenly felt inexplicably tired, a bone-deep weariness that seemed to weigh down something in her chest. "Can we go now?"

"'Course," Remus said, taking her hand, and they made it back to the boys' dorm room, putting on some music and studying together, sprawled out on their beds with Dorcas, Peter, and Mary. It was a reasonably peaceful afternoon, and Lily felt better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 32 done! hope you enjoy it ;) there will be more jily and dorlene content around valentine's day so stay tuned! (hopefully I will write it in time for the actual valentine's day, so challenge for me) thank you for all the sweet comments on my last update, they make me so so happy :)) love you all!


	33. Pre-Valentine's Day Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorcas tells everyone. The new professor is something.

After the boys and Marlene came back from Quidditch practice, covered in mud, slush, and sweat, the girls cleared out of the dorm back into their own. Marlene headed straight for the showers as Lily wound plaits into Dorcas' hair idly.

"Your curls are the prettiest, Dorcs," she sighed longingly, running her fingers through the voluminous brown coils.

"Hey, don't separate them, they'll frizz up," Dorcas warned lazily, waving her wand so that sparks floated out of the tip. She had had to struggle for a while before finding a hair routine that worked for her, and all her friends with their straight and wavy hair couldn't relate.

Mary was bent over her books, struggling to draw a graph, and Lily grinned. "You know, Mare, in the Muggle world they have special paper with little squares to help you with that-"

"Oh, shut up, Evans," Mary groaned, throwing her quill down. "I know what graph paper is, and I desperately wish I had some."

The bathroom door opened and Marlene stepped out in a cloud of steam, towelling her damp blonde hair and smelling of strawberries. Mary sat up, indignant. "Oi, you used my soap!"

"Mine ran out, sorry, MacDonald," Marlene said, throwing her towel onto her bed. "Lils, can you plait my hair? I want it to be wavy tomorrow."

Lily obliged, dangling her feet over the edge of the bed. "So, Valentine's Day is coming up," she teased, and Dorcas immediately groaned. She knew they would pair her up with boys in their year, boys Dorcas had absolutely no interest in whatsoever.

"I'm going with Jack Campbell from Hufflepuff," Mary said proudly, and Dorcas almost sighed in relief at the attention not being focused on her.

"Oh, is he the one you were snogging at Sirius' party?" Marlene asked mildly. "Ow, Evans, that hurt."

"Well, it's not my fault that your hair-"

"Back to Mary!" Dorcas reigned them in. "Stop bickering and let her talk."

" _Thank_ you, Dorcas," Mary glared at the other two, who immediately shut up and listened. "Yes, and he's asked me to be his girlfriend."

Lily dropped Marlene's plait, and all three of the girls turned to stare at her. " _Girlfriend_?" Marlene asked incredulously.

"Yes, girlfriend," Mary beamed, clearly pleased at having shocked them. "I have an actual date for Valentine's Day!"

Lily squealed first, and then Marlene, and then Dorcas fell onto her best friend and gave her a giant hug. "Mare, that's amazing! Do you really like him?"

"Yeah, I do," Mary affirmed from the middle of their hug pile. "He's sweet, and funny, and earnest-"

"Not to mention those _abs_ ," Marlene teased, poking her in the side.

"How about you, Lils?" Dorcas asked, because she physically couldn't take Marlene drooling over some boy.

Lily immediately went scarlet and stared down at the mattress. "Er. I don't think I'll go with anyone this year."

"You know if you asked James, he would say yes, right?" Dorcas demanded, unwilling to let her wriggle away from this one.

Lily rolled her eyes. "I'm still not sure yet, ok? It's no secret I think he's hot as hell-" all the girls immediately began wolf whistling and cheering, and she buried her face in a pillow. "Oh, shut up, all of you! Yes, he's objectively fit, but do I like him as a person? I'm still deciding."

"You, Marlene?" Mary queried, and Dorcas could not do this.

She made to get up, but Lily grabbed her hand. "Oi, wait, we're not done with you yet. Marlene first, though."

Marlene, who usually had a queue of boys lined up to take her out for Valentine's Day and picked the hottest of them every time, went quiet and picked at the end of her braid. "Er-"

"Try Michael Robinson, he was practically drooling over you at the party," Mary advised. "Or Gerry Bradford, you were dancing with him, weren't you?"

"She is not dating a bloke called _Gerry_ ," Dorcas protested, trying to steer the conversation into more familiar territory. "Speaking of, what d'you think-"

"I'm not going with anyone this year," Marlene declared, and they all stared at her.

"What?" Mary said, finding her voice at last. "You've _never_ gone alone, not even in the first year. What're you playing at?"

"Maybe I've got my eye on someone special," Marlene shrugged, laying back on the bed.

" _Who_?" Lily probed. "Oh, come on, you can't drop a tidbit like that and then stay mum."

"I'm still deciding," Marlene winked, parroting what Lily had said not two minutes earlier.

"Ok, we're coming back to that, but how 'bout you, Dorcs?" Mary quizzed, and Dorcas immediately covered her face with a pillow. Unlike the rest of her friends, where it was pretty obvious they were only pretending to hate the attention, Dorcas really, really loathed this time of the year, when she was expected to find a bloke who probably smelled like ketchup to take her on a mediocre date in an already packed, steamy place in Hogsmeade where it looked like a Valentine's Day monster had thrown up pink and hearts all over it.

"Oh, no, please, we're not doing this," she protested, but it was fruitless. Her friends pounced.

"I think Cory Anderson was eyeing her the other day," Mary offered, but Lily shook her head.

"How 'bout Grant Richards?"

"Or Eddy Harold-"

"I'm not going out with any boys!" Dorcas cut through their chatter. "Please stop, ok? I don't - I'm not interested in boys." Lily and Mary turned to look at her curiously, and Marlene's eyes brightened. Dorcas suddenly realised how she had phrased it, coming far too close to the truth. Marlene gave an imperceptible nod of her head. _Say it. Go on._

"I-" The words stuck in her throat, and she wished she could go back in time when this conversation hadn't existed. "I - I'm - I..." She couldn't say it. Her voice wouldn't make the words. She'd never said it out loud before, not even to Remus, the only person who knew, and even then he had been the one to say it.

Dorcas looked around helplessly, catching Lily's eye, then Mary's. She could see the tenderness in them, and then she knew. She knew that they knew, and were only waiting for her to say it. A lump rose in her throat as she realised these people would love her no matter what, and she would love them. These were her _friends_. Who could she trust if not them?

"I like girls," Dorcas squeaked, her voice cracking unattractively, and all the air seemed to whoosh out of the room. Lily grinned widely and Mary squeezed her so tight she couldn't breathe. Lily kissed her on the forehead.

"Oh, Dorcs, you should have told us earlier!" Mary said, smacking her on the shoulder. "We could have set you up with someone you actually liked."

"No - no set ups. Please. I'm fine with spending Valentine's alone-"

"You're not spending Valentine's alone," Marlene said, and Dorcas finally turned to her. Marlene's blue eyes glimmered with something, Dorcas wasn't sure what. "I'm spending it with you."

Something sank in Dorcas' stomach then. She couldn't deal with this, and though her friends had reacted exactly right, there was still something - _poisoned_ about the whole moment. She hated it when people knew things about her, couldn't stand the vulnerability. It was what made becoming close to people, trusting people, so hard. Marlene stared at her, and Dorcas couldn't breathe. It was so desperately _unfair_ that Marlene got to know her secret, and she couldn't, just couldn't-

"I - ok," she managed to choke out before rising to her feet. "I just remembered - I need to-" she gestured somewhere, then ran out of the room, breath still coming in pants. _What the fuck had just happened?_

* * *

Dorcas left, Marlene started to study, and Mary realised she had forgotten her book in the Transfiguration classroom. Lily exited the dorm with her, having (for once) finished most of her homework and still having the rest of the evening to complete her Charms essay. They bumped into James and Frank in the common room, who were discussing Quidditch strategies together. James was holding a bit of parchment covered in wriggling arrows, and Frank was taking notes. For no reason whatsoever, Lily felt like laughing at their utterly serious expressions.

"Hey, Mary, where're you off to?" James asked, his whole body language suddenly alert. Lily couldn't figure him out.

"Left my textbook in Transfiguration," she replied, and James immediately got to his feet.

"I'll come with you. Frank, you're good?" Frank nodded, and Mary and James left. Lily was left standing there, not even having gotten a better greeting than a nod from him.

"Hi, Lily," Frank smiled distractedly at her, still scribbling down some notes. She sank into James' vacated armchair, feeling even more wrung out and confused. "How're you?"

"I'm fine," she sighed, still looking at the portrait hole where her friends had exited.

Frank finished writing and stacked the parchment on top of his books. "Er. I wanted to say - I'm with Alice again. We worked things out, in the end, and we've never been happier. Thanks for rooting for us."

Lily smiled tightly at him, still thinking about her own issues. She tried to clear her head. "That's great, Frank, I'm happy for you."

"Have you and..." he nodded towards the portrait hole, and Lily immediately knew what he was gesturing towards.

She forced a laugh. "Oh, no. I'm pretty sure he fancies Mary, though she's already got a date for Valentine's Day. It's a bit messy."

Frank stared at her, before the corners of his mouth turned up. She got the feeling he was laughing at her, but not unkindly. "Yeah... ok. He definitely likes Mary. You go on believing that."

"What?" Lily interrogated, now curious and a little indignant. "Why else would he rush to the ends of the school just to spend a little more time with her? It's fine, though. I'm not jealous or anything."

Frank was properly chuckling now, and Lily was more than a bit annoyed. "What?" she demanded again, but he got up, lifting the stack of his books as James and Mary returned, Mary clutching her textbook.

"Got to go, Evans, have a good evening," Frank said, his voice still full of mirth, as he left for his dorm. Mary did the same, hefting her book with a mouthed _Got to study_.

"Potter," she tried, but he just gave her a brief smile before grabbing his Quidditch strategies and heading for his dorm. That was it. She'd had enough. Lily got to her feet and followed him up the stairs, but he closed the door to their dorm before noticing her. She was about to wrench it open and follow him inside when she heard voices. Lily knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, but she truly couldn't help it.

"Where were you?" Remus asked from inside, and there was a shuffling noise and a creak of bedsprings.

"Walking Mary to Transfiguration for her textbook," James replied tersely.

"You're a good person for doing that, Prongs." Remus' voice was gentle.

"I'm really not," James said frustratedly, his voice coming out in a burst. "I have everything, Moony. I have all the privilege out of everyone in the group. And Mary's the one being picked on the most, 'cause she's apparently an 'easy target'. You know boys have-" he stopped, and Lily reeled outside. _What was she hearing?_

"They've tried to touch her, and they harass her in the corridors, and they're such _idiots_ , and the awful thing is that I'd be exactly like them if I was brought up in a different family."

"No, you wouldn't," Remus reminded him. "Look at Sirius, he was brought up in one of those families and he would never be like that. You're a good person, James, don't ever forget it. You _chose_ to be a good person."

"But-" he broke off vexedly, and sighed.

There was a movement up the staircase, and Lily was moving before she could register what was happening. She burst into the common room and immediately ran up the stairs to the girls' dorms, bumping into Dorcas on her way up. Her friend stared at her and followed her, clearly reading in her expression that something was up.

Lily barged into the dorm, slamming the door open and then closed behind her and Dorcas, then immediately went and and sank onto her bed, trying to process what had just happened.

"What's the matter with you?" Marlene said dryly, looking up from her books. Lily looked at all her friends.

"I think I like James Potter," she said, "properly like him, personality and all."

Her friends exchanged glances, then promptly burst into laughter. Lily stared around at them all. "What?"

"Congratulations," Mary said, before dissolving into fits of giggles. She managed to gain her breath back. "You're officially the last one to know."

"Oi, shut up!" Lily said crossly, throwing a pillow at her friend, before Dorcas took that as an invitation to chuck a pillow at her, and then Marlene declared a fight, and they were all thumping each other like they were still in first year.

* * *

Their first Defence against the Dark Arts class was a peculiar one, to say the least.

The war being at the stage it was, DADA was probably the most popular subject of the lot, with almost every single sixth year electing to take it, resulting in it being one of the largest classes. Sirius lingered outside the classroom as Lily, James, and Mary rushed up to the rest of the group. Lily was now sticking to Mary as much as James was, and Sirius was pretty sure they had drawn up a schedule.

The Gryffindors bunched into a tight group, as did the Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs, and Slytherins. There was a certain safety in numbers, Sirius acknowledged. He felt safer in any scenario where he had all his friends around him.

Professor Nott stalked up to the class, his robes trailing behind him. He wore the Nott family crest on his ring and his sleek grey hair fell to his shoulders, giving him an even more intimidating look. "Inside," he snapped, and the sixth-years hurried to obey him.

The biggest classroom in Hogwarts had plenty of desks, as well as a lectern in the front where the professor stood. Everyone shuffled to get a seat, Sirius slipping in between James and Remus, when Nott stopped them with a sharp rap of his wand. "You will be sitting in assigned seats." He waved his wand at the board, where a diagram of the classroom appeared with people's names written on every table. Sirius craned his neck closer to get a better look, then his stomach dropped.

He was sat in the first row, alongside most of the other Slytherins. James was in the second row, Peter and Marlene in the third, Remus and Dorcas in the fourth, and Lily and Mary all the way at the back in the fifth. They were being ranked according to blood purity. Sirius felt sick.

Others had started to mutter, some Muggleborns glaring daggers at Nott. The professor merely stared at all of them. "Hurry up. We don't have all day."

Sirius clenched his fists. He hated it when people were like this, thought they could get away with anything and the oppressed just _let_ them. "No."

Nott turned around slowly, his gaze settling on Sirius. "Pardon?"

"I said _no_."

"Mr Black," Nott said, dragging the awful syllable of his surname out, "you will do as I tell you to, because I am the professor. Detention to you."

"No," another voice piped up, and Sirius turned to see a Hufflepuff Muggleborn, Hawkes, glowering at the professor. "I won't sit at the back. I'd rather leave the classroom."

Nott's lip twisted with disgust. "How dare you address me in that way," he snarled, and then before anyone could react, he whipped out his wand. " _Colloshoo_."

Hawkes tried to move her feet, but they were cemented to the floor. She turned panicked eyes to the professor. "Let me go!"

"Since you didn't like your assigned seat, you can stay where you currently are," Nott said calmly, stashing his wand back into his robes. "Everyone else, please take your seats."

Sirius snarled, but he felt a warm, familiar hand on his back. " _Stop fighting_ ," Remus reminded quietly, and though Sirius was itching to yell at the purist man, he kept his mouth shut. He took his place in the first row. Avery took the place next to him, grinning widely.

"Nice to have the Mudbloods where they belong, innit?" he asked, propping his feet up. Nott saw this and didn't say a word. "Oi, Hawkes! Nice tits!"

"Shut your fat fucking face," Sirius hissed, "and leave her alone."

Avery glanced at him, sizing him up. "Oh, yeah? You want to have a go at me?"

Sirius felt a kick at the back of his chair and turned around to see James' eyes boring into him. " _Don't_ get provoked, you idiot," his best mate muttered before leaning back. Sirius clenched his jaw so hard he felt like his teeth would snap, but he kept quiet.

Nott levitated a stack of parchment over the students, flicking his wand so that one sheaf deposited itself in front of each student. Sirius grabbed his and paged through it, stomach sinking when he realised what it was. _The dictionary_.

"It has come to my understanding that the history of the sacred twenty-eight families is not taught in your current curriculum," Nott said, pacing up and down his lectern, "therefore, I will be educating you in this matter. The understanding of the pureblood families are essential to understanding the content you will learn in this subject-"

He stopped, and Sirius turned around to see Lily's arm in the air. The look on her face wasn't the usual one she had when putting her hand up. It was all fire. Nott looked at her, then continued talking, resolutely ignoring her. "I would like you all to turn to page 57-"

"Professor Nott?" Lily asked when it became clear he was ignoring her. His jaw tightened.

"Yes?"

"How is learning about a bunch of stuffy old families useful to actually fighting the Dark Arts?" she quizzed, and people muttered noises of agreement, especially from the back rows.

Nott went red, then purple. "I wouldn't expect one of _you_ to understand. To real wizards, the history of-"

There was an instant uproar at his words, and most of the people in the back two rows stood up, Sirius' friends among them. He quickly got to his feet as well. Lily stared daggers at the professor. "I'm out," she declared, and they all marched to the front of the room, someone performing the counter-jinx on Hawkes. They had nearly made it to the door, when-

" _Bombarda_!" Nott yelled, and there was an explosion at the front of the room. Sirius turned back to realise his desk was now in splinters. There was a fury in the professor's eyes, cold and murderous. "Sit _down,_ you insolent children. You know nothing of the real world."

"Fuck you," Sirius spat, and wrenched open the door, storming out, followed by everyone else. Nott began muttering something, and a girl screamed 'run!' before there was a stampede out of the corridor.

"Dumbledore's office!" James panted, and then fifteen kids barged all the way to the headmaster's office, feet slipping, pushing and pulling each other. They stopped at the entrance, having realised they weren't being followed.

Lily stepped towards the front. "Right, who's a Prefect? We've got a better chance at making them listen to us." The Prefects shuffled to the front, and then they were let in.

Sirius waited, slumping against the wall. James sidled up to him. "You alright?"

"I hate him," Sirius muttered, rubbing his eyes. "I hate them all. They're - they remind me of - I had to listen to that shit for most of my life, James, and I'm so _tired_ -" his voice broke embarrassingly, and he swallowed.

James slung his arm around his best friend's shoulder and pulled Sirius' head into his collarbone. Sirius leaned into him, slightly soothed. "Just breathe, Pads," James said gently. "Dumbledore'll take our side. Don't worry."

Sirius took a deep, shuddering breath, and focused on the muffled thump of James' heart.

* * *

The Prefects came back half an hour later, looking utterly defeated. Sirius, James, Marlene, Dorcas, and Peter, as well as a few other Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws stood up, waiting for the verdict. Lily shook her head. "Apparently it's the Ministry's order," she burst out frustratedly. "The board of governors for the school decided they wanted a 'more balanced education' for their stuck-up little pureblood brats and commissioned Nott to teach it to them. So we're stuck with him."

"This is such bullshit," Hawkes said, her eyes red from crying. "I just know he's going to give all the Muggleborns bad marks, and that'll make it even harder for us to get jobs-" she choked off a sob and buried her face in her friend's robes.

"We'll just have to deal with it," Remus took a deep breath.

"No!" Marlene yelled, thumping her fist against the wall. "God, I'm so sick of _dealing_ with things."

"Hear, hear," Sirius added dryly. "We need to _fight_ , like a protest or something-"

"Are you all stupid?" Remus demanded. "We're already the minority here. Look around. Most kids decided to just stay in class. We're going to have a harder time than anyone else, we're going to lose our Prefect status - the system is _designed_ against us. The best we can do is keep our heads down and struggle through."

"I'm _done_ with struggling through," Dorcas said, her eyes flashing furiously. "If we make things harder for them, good. Fuck them."

"Don't you understand?" Lily said tiredly. "We're not going to make things harder for them. We're going to make things harder for ourselves. Look, if we want to do something, it has to be well organised, and involve more people than this." She looked around at the fifteen people remaining. "So as of right now, go along with it. We'll get in touch later-"

"What, like a secret society?" A Ravenclaw boy asked, raising an eyebrow.

James nodded and stepped up. "Yes. We'll organise it soon. Lily's right, we need to plan this carefully if we're going to have even a chance at winning." He grinned then, a smile so sharp you could cut yourself on it. "And luckily, we're good at planning chaos."

Sirius caught his eye, then Remus and Peter's. They'd pulled pranks for almost six years in a row. They knew the school intimately and had studied and broken the rulebook more than anyone else. If there was anybody suited to the job, it was the Marauders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 33 done! hope you enjoyed it, and thank you for the comments and kudos! Also thank you to the people who reached out on tumblr, I loved chatting with you! :)
> 
> By the way: Sirius is in the first row because he is one of the twenty-eight families, James is in second because he is a pureblood but not one of the twenty-eight, Peter and Marlene are in third because they are both half-bloods, but all of their parents are wizards, Dorcas and Remus are in fourth because they both have one completely Muggle parent, and Lily and Mary are both in fifth cause they're Muggleborns and have no magical relatives.


	34. Detention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius goes for detention. Regulus gets a shock. Lily has some stuff going on, and she needs to stop talking to Snape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: sexual harassment, mild homophobia.

Sirius showed up to the DADA teacher’s office ten minutes late for his detention, excuse at the ready. He wasn’t really late because of Quidditch practice, James had let him off a few minutes early to ensure he got there in time, claiming that they didn’t need Nott more suspicious of them than he already was, but Sirius couldn’t help it. The bigot deserved the disrespect.

He knocked on the door hesitantly, and it swung open. Sirius stepped into the office and blinked. He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting, maybe an austere desk in the middle of a bare stone office, but not _this_.

Nott’s office was carpeted thickly, giving a warm and cozy feel. A fire crackled merrily in the grate, and a kettle whistled. The walls were covered in family photos, a small baby and a smiling man and woman and a giant family photo. Sirius thought he recognised some of the people who smiled and laughed cheerfully in the frames.

Nott himself was sitting in a cushy chair behind his desk, his expression warm and open. Sirius blinked again. _Surely this wasn’t the same man?_

“Mister Black!” he exclaimed, waving his wand so that a chair pulled itself up to his desk. With another flourish, the kettle lifted itself up and poured into two teacups. Nott added tea leaves. “Cream? Sugar?”

Sirius nodded mutely, still thrown off guard. _What was Nott playing at, welcoming him in and acting like they were friends?_ “Please, sit. We won’t be too long.” Sirius frowned, but sat, taking the teacup.

Nott stirred his tea, taking a long gulp. “I’m assuming you’re wondering why you’re here.”

“I’m not,” Sirius said, taking a careful sip of his tea. “I know exactly why I’m here. I said something you disagreed with in class, and judging by this whole setup-“ he nodded around the room, “you want to convince me otherwise. Well, you needn’t bother. I’m perfectly aware of all my political views and secure in them.”

Nott set his cup onto the saucer with a clatter. “You’re an observant boy. Why don’t you start by telling me why you believe that people with some magical powers born from Muggles deserve the same treatment as true wizards?”

Sirius gripped his teacup so hard he thought the ceramic handle might snap in his fingers. “They’re just as much wizards as you and me. Lineage doesn’t matter, we should all get the same opportunities-“

“And that’s where you’re mistaken, dear boy,” Nott said gently. “Muggleborns are not the same as pureblood wizards. To Muggles, magic is a mutation, an anomaly. To us, whose lineages have stretched ever since the time of Merlin, magic is a birthright. It is part of our very souls. We have a different magical ability to Muggleborns, the wizardry that runs through our blood is purer-“

"But that's disproven!" Sirius retorted, his voice rising slightly. "St Mungo's researchers have shown - the 'blood purity' thing is a myth-"

"You're a clever boy," Nott talked over him, and for some reason, Sirius found himself shutting up. "How does it make _sense_ that magic that mysteriously crops up in a bloodline is of the same quality as magic that has been bred?"

Sirius stayed silent, jaw clenched and chest heaving, and Nott took that as an invitation to continue. "Now, Muggleborns may be getting better marks in classes. But writing essays, memorising spells and facts - all that doesn't test the _true_ capacity of magic. You know this, Sirius. It is a truth as old as bones."

Sirius hated this so much. Nott's holier-than-thou tone - his whole demeanour that made Sirius feel like a stubborn _child_ \- " _Even_ if that was true, and I'm not saying it is-" he glared at the professor, "extermination - discrimination - that isn't the answer. Not for a long shot, and your side seems to think it is."

Nott sipped his tea calmly. "There are no sides here, Mister Black." Sirius huffed an incredulous laugh, but Nott held up a finger. "The war is irrelevant. And pertaining to your previous question - no, I don't believe discrimination is the answer, and certainly not extermination." Sirius waited. "I merely think that classes should be _separated_ \- so that children of pure blood can learn more about what true magic is, and Muggleborns can learn about - whatever they can grasp. A watered-down, simpler version of the curriculum. The key here is _difference_. People are different, and we must cater to individual needs rather than lump the lot together with no regard for ability."

He paused a moment, steepling his fingers, and Sirius found himself being sucked in, forced back into the old rhetoric his father had explained to him when he was nine. He got up, dragging his chair backwards, annoyed that it didn't even make a properly satisfying screech due to the carpet. "I've heard enough," he declared, heart thumping. "Your way of thinking is dying out fast. And, by the way, so are your precious twenty-eight families. A quarter of them are already extinct, and most are 'watered-down' enough because guess what? _People don't like fucking inbreeding_. So you can take your dictionary and shove it up your arse."

Nott stared at him, anger finally showing on his face. "You're really going to throw it all away - your family name, your purity - for those Mudbloods? _Toujours pur_ , Sirius-"

"Fuck off!" Sirius roared and finally stormed away from the odious old man, heaving the heavy stone door open and marching out. He couldn't calm his breathing, there was a lump in his throat - he hated how close he'd been to accepting it. _What if Nott was right? What if, under all the rebellion and red and gold scarves, he was just that - a Black?_ He would rather die than face that thought.

Merlin, he needed the one person who could make him feel better - the one person who could ground him, make him feel like himself.

He needed Remus.

* * *

Sirius barged into the dorm to find Peter, James, Dorcas, and Mary sprawled on the beds and floor. "Where's-"

"Marls is still in the shower, and Lily and Remus are on Prefect rounds," Dorcas drawled lazily, turning a page.

Sirius spun to James. "Where's the map?"

James nodded to his bedside drawer, and Sirius wrenched it open, pulling out the ratty bit of parchment and hastily whispering the words. " _I solemnly swear I am up to no good_." The map came alive, ink blooming over the surface, and Sirius scanned it frantically, searching for Remus' name. He eventually located it, down by the Slytherin dungeons, and immediately took off.

His boots thunked on the stone floors as he ran, keeping an eye on the dot labelled 'Remus Lupin' the whole time. Eventually he found them, Remus rubbing his hands together and Lily chatting to him. Sirius gasped in air, trying to fill his lungs in vain. "Remus," he choked, and then he was running and falling into his boyfriend's arms.

Remus caught him, raising his eyebrows. "Are you all right?"

Sirius buried his nose in Remus' collarbone, smelling the achingly familiar scent of his Moony. "No," he gasped, though his breathing was slowly evening out.

"You ok, Sirius?" Lily asked from behind him, sounding a little concerned. "Did someone say something to you?"

"I'll be fine," Sirius said, inhaling deeply.

"What do you need?" Remus stroked his back in slow, soothing circles.

"You," Sirius exhaled, rubbing his nose against Remus. "Just - you. Please."

"Er. Ok. Lils, you're all right? We're nearly done with patrol anyway-"

"I'll be fine," Lily said, and Sirius could hear the smile in her voice. She patted him gently on the back. "I'm heading back to the dorm. We'll be waiting for you so you can tell us what happened." A patter of footsteps, and she left.

Remus walked him to a broom cupboard, closing the door behind them, cushioning them in a musty smell. "Want to tell me what happened?"

"Him," Sirius gulped, "Nott. Made me think - I'm a just a Black, Remus. I'm always going to be a Black, it's in my bones, my blood - how can you even _claim_ to love me?" He grasped handfuls of Remus' robes, not even willing to think about a reality where Remus might not love him anymore.

Remus' hands landed on his cheeks, radiating warmth. "Look at me," he commanded, voice low. "Sirius, _look at me_."

Sirius did. He lifted his chin and gazed straight into Remus' amber eyes, and was almost blown away by the intensity he saw in them. "You're a Black. You will always be a Black." Sirius' breath came faster, nostrils flaring with panic, but Remus kept staring at him. "No, stop. Look at me. You may be a Black. That's what you were born as. But you are not _defined_ by being a Black. Do you understand me? You are no more 'just a Black' than I am just a ravenous beast that tears through the Forest once every month."

At the comparison, Sirius' chest eased. "I am more than a Black," he muttered mostly to himself.

"You are Sirius. You are kind and compassionate and funny and loyal and daring and stupidly _brave_ , and that is why I _love_ you. So don't you dare go on about how you don't deserve to be loved just because the house you were born in is full of inbred arseholes."

Sirius looked at his boyfriend's face again, open and earnest and painfully honest, and he couldn't help himself. He lifted himself onto his tiptoes and kissed Remus, hard, his boyfriend's hands cupping his cheeks and then his neck and Sirius needed to feel more of him, skin on skin, to remind himself that this was _real_ and everything else was just an illusion-

Footsteps echoed outside, and Remus broke the kiss, pushing Sirius away a little. He tried not to feel hurt, when he heard an all too familiar voice. "I'm sure it was nothing."

"Not what it sounded like," another said. "I swear I heard two voices."

"I'll investigate," the first one insisted, and Sirius was absolutely sure. That was Regulus.

"All right," his friend said, and then left.

Remus stared at Sirius, eyes wide, gesturing with his hands. Sirius didn't make out what he was saying until it was too late. _Turn into Padfoot,_ Remus had mouthed, but then it didn't matter as the door was wrenched open and Regulus stood over them. His grey eyes, twin to Sirius' flickered over them, Sirius' hands clenched in his boyfriend's robes, both their lips swollen and red, and the still-fading marks on Sirius' neck. "Er."

"Reg," Sirius immediately stepped forward closer to his brother, "please-"

But Regulus turned and ran, his robes billowing behind him. Sirius could hear the rumble of the Slytherin common room door and knew his brother was gone. He looked back at Remus, who had a shell-shocked expression on his face. "...you ok?"

Remus grabbed him by the shoulders, moving exceptionally quickly for someone who had been frozen not a moment before. "Will he tell?"

Sirius blinked. "He's the one who saved my life a month ago."

"That doesn't mean he's going to stay quiet now," Remus was turning white. "Oh no. He's going to tell them all, and they're going to-"

"Moony," Sirius interrupted his tirade, "calm down. It's going to be ok."

* * *

Lily splayed herself out on the boys' floor, trying to ignore some particularly smelly socks in the corner. "Marls, got it?"

Marlene chewed on her quill, scribbling something down. "Think so. It's fifteen ounces, isn't it?"

Lily checked the textbook. "Yeah. Nice job."

Marlene flopped over and sighed, nearly rolling onto Peter, who looked all too happy with the position. "Merlin, this is boring. Anyone got exciting news?"

Peter went a bit pink. "Well... Eleanor Lewis in the fifth year; from Frog Choir, you know; asked me to Hogsmeade for Valentine's Day."

"Peter!" James exclaimed, "you didn't tell me that! That's great!"

"Erm. I'm going to say no."

Lily grinned at him. "And why on earth would you do that?"

Peter dared a glance at Marlene. "Er..."

"Peter," Mary clucked, "you have to say yes. Would you rather be alone on Valentine's? And Eleanor's a very nice girl!"

"...yeah, I know," Peter said glumly. Then he brightened. "Hey, Marls, you're not going with anyone, are you?"

Marlene immediately looked cautious, and from the corner of Lily's eye, she could see Dorcas sit up slightly. "No, but I'd like to be alone this year. Well, not alone. Dorcs and I are going to hang out. Right, Dorcas?"

Dorcas' eyes flickered up hesitantly, and Marlene gave her a beaming smile. Dorcas' throat bobbed. "Er. Yes. Right."

"See, Pete," Marlene said triumphantly, turning back to him, "we all have 'dates' of a sort. So you'd better go with Eleanor. She's pretty, too, and I think you two'd get along well. Right, Mare?"

"Right," Mary said, grinning.

Peter deflated slightly, but he sighed. "Ok then. I'll tell her I'll go."

Before the conversation could continue, Remus and Sirius burst back into the dorm, Sirius a few seconds after his boyfriend. They were both panting and flushed. James grinned. "Ooh, what did we get up to, then?"

Remus, who normally would have laughed it off or whacked his friend, just went paler and looked down. "Prongs... don't. Please." He marched to the bathroom and slammed the door, leaving his friends very confused.

James turned on Sirius. "What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything!" Sirius exclaimed. "It's just... it's nothing, ok? If Remus doesn't want to say, then I won't either." He went to his bed and pulled the hangings shut.

"Er... we'd better be going, then," Dorcas said, getting up and collecting her books. "See you boys at dinner." Lily followed her friends out, closing the door behind them.

Mary and Marlene headed to the library, and Dorcas immediately resumed her studying. Lily moped about her bed for a bit, then remembered. She opened her bedside drawer, fumbling in the darkest corners for what she was looking for. A grubby, folded scrap of parchment. She turned it over in her fingers, considering.

What would Severus say that would be worth hearing? She couldn't think of much. Probably shaming her for shagging Remus and Sirius, pleading with her, arguing with her. She would gain absolutely nothing from the encounter. But... this was _Severus_ , her oldest friend.

Lily cautiously unfolded the parchment, stunned to find that it was completely empty. She frowned. Was this the wrong scrap? But then the parchment hovered in the air, and slowly started floating forward. She followed it out of the dorm, through the school, and down towards the dungeons, appreciating Severus' magic. She was so enthralled by the magic that she didn't notice when she walked into a boy.

He was blond and tall, and Lily's stomach sank when she realised he was the same boy who was harassing her outside Potions. Greengrass, that was what his name was. He grinned. "Oh, look who it is. Lily Evans."

Lily gritted her teeth, cursing herself when she realised her wand was still up in the dorm. "What do you want, Greengrass?"

"Oh, what do I _want_?" he mocked, and then she felt his hand on her waist. She tried to move backwards, but he was far stronger than her, and wouldn't let her go. "I think you'll find that you can satisfy what I want quite easily."

"Get your hands off me," Lily warned. "I'll scream, I mean it."

He moved his face closer to her's, and she could smell his breath. "Oh, I'm counting on it, you slag," he snarled.

" _Flipendo_!" A voice yelled from behind them, and Greengrass was knocked clean off his feet, slamming his head into the wall and going out cold. Lily's saviour rushed up to her, and Lily's heart sank when she saw who it was. "You ok?" Hestia Jones asked, concern in her eyes.

"Thanks," Lily said gruffly, clearing her throat. "That was nice of you."

"Not so fun when you're the one being called that, is it?" Hestia asked, but there was an uptilt to her mouth and her eyes were sparkling.

"I'm sorry about that," Lily said, immediately feeling awful. "I wasn't - I wasn't thinking right, and you didn't deserve it. I was a bit of a bitch. I'm sorry."

Hestia laughed kindly. "Merlin, it's ok. Didn't really affect me all too much. Best of luck with Potter, all right? I've got to go. Stay safe." She gave Lily a quick hug, and then she was gone. Lily blinked.

The scrap of parchment was still hovering, so Lily took a deep breath and followed it. It wound all the way to the Potions classroom, and Lily sighed. _Of course_. She entered hesitantly, seeing Severus at the table, head down, quill moving furiously. He looked up, and their eyes met. His widened.

"Lily!" he exclaimed, scrambling up from his seat. "You came. The spell worked." In front of her, the parchment disintegrated.

She nodded, carefully choosing a stool a few feet away from him. "What did you want to talk about, Severus?"

Snape's throat bobbed. "Er. Did you shag Black and Lupin?"

Lily sighed internally. He had failed the first test. "And if I did?"

"You - but _why_?" he asked, and Lily was reminded of a plaintive whine.

She rolled her eyes. "Because I fucking wanted to, ok? You don't get to dictate who I have sex with, Severus, or any part of my life, really. I'm not yours." And there it was. The heart of the matter.

Severus' face went through several emotions rapidly. Shock first, then hurt flickered over his features. It was quickly replaced by scorn. "But _Black_ and _Lupin_? It's like you were _trying_ to piss me off!"

Lily stared at him. _Had he really just said that?_ "Not everything in my life is about _you_ , Severus," she hissed, getting up. "In fact, very little in my life is about you. Virtually nothing, really. So sod off and stop asking me to meet you in places just so you can shame me. I'm not having it any longer."

She turned to go, but he got there first, fingers closing around her wrist. They tightened, but then he let go, seeming to remember what had happened when he last did that. "Lily, please. You're - you're my best friend, you're amazing, we _belong_ together, you know we do. I love you."

She narrowed her eyes, unable to believe her ears. "You _love_ me? Really? That's ridiculous, Severus. You don't even think my kind should be allowed to exist in the wizarding world, how can you claim to believe we belong together?"

He moved closer, too close for Lily's comfort, and looking at the fire in his dark eyes, for the first time, she began to feel scared. "Oh, come on," he snarled, "you'll give it up to just about anyone, won't you? Anyone but me. Me, who has always been there for you, listening to you mope about your sister and your problems - and still you snub me, disregard me, lead me on. You're such a fucking tease. You know I deserve this."

Her heart beat wildly, and she sorely regretted leaving her wand in the dorm. "Severus, _get off me right now_. I don't owe you bollocks, and if that's all you thought of our friendship, I'm glad we're no longer friends."

Snape leaned closer so they were almost nose to nose, then kissed her forcefully, pressing the backs of her thighs against the table. She thrashed beneath him, finally managing to dislodge him, and ran for the door. He was fumbling in his robe for his wand, but she jerked it open, managing one last look at him, the boy who used to be her friend.

The boy she no longer recognised.

* * *

Marlene was calmly eating her dinner when Lily ran to the table, tears streaming down her face. She immediately dropped her fork as Lily walked into her waiting arms. "What happened?"

Dorcas huddled nearer on the other side of Lily, Mary squished close to her. Dorcas rubbed Lily's back and let her cry in silence. Marlene liked that about Dorcas, the way she just knew when to let someone have space, but still showing her comfort at the same time. Out of the corner of her eye, Marlene could see James Potter sitting up and paying attention to the scene.

"I met him," Lily managed to gasp.

Mary frowned. "Who?"

Lily took a great, shuddering breath. "Him. Sev - Snape."

Dorcas stopped rubbing her back, and Marlene sat up straight. "Godric, you're _still_ talking to that wanker? How many times have we told you-"

"I know," Lily croaked, "I'm an idiot, I know. I kept telling myself that this time was the last time, that he would change, that I owed him the chance to speak-"

"You. Don't. Owe. Him. _Shit_ ," Marlene snarled, eyes roaming the Slytherin table. "I swear, if he _touched_ you, he's dead."

"He-" Lily gulped. "He kissed me. Just like that. I didn't want it."

"That's it," Dorcas said calmly, getting up. "I'm finding him."

" _No_ ," Lily and Mary protested together, grabbing her hands and yanking her down. "Don't be an idiot, Dorcs. You can't do anything to him."

"McGonagall, then," Marlene decided, "she'll take our side, you know she will. C'mon-"

"I'm not telling anyone, ok?" Lily said, eyes pleading. "I don't - I don't want to bring that kind of attention to myself-"

" _Lily_." Marlene took her friend's shoulders and turned her so they were face to face. "That creep _assaulted_ you. You need to tell McGonagall. What if it happens to other girls?"

"Don't you see? It won't," Dorcas said. "He only attacked Lily because he thinks he's entitled to her."

"Just - please," Lily pleaded, fight going out of her. "I'm so tired. I just never want to interact with him again. I don't want to make him angrier, you know what villainising does to him - clearly, the results aren't pretty. If I'd had my wand, it never would have happened. We have more important things to focus on, anyway."

"Evans, you ok?" James called, plainly trying to sound casual, but the concern in his eyes ruined any effect that might have had.

Lily gave him a shaky smile, rubbing her eyes. "I'm fine. Thanks." Marlene didn't believe it for a second, but she knew Lily would open up in her own time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's chapter 34 done! hope you enjoyed it. wolfstar has a big thing coming which also affects dorlene, i'm not entirely sure when jily should get together so leave suggestions in the comments below! and thank you for all the love recently :)
> 
> By the way: 'Toujours Pur' is the Black family motto, meaning 'Always Pure' in French.


	35. Pre-Valentine's Day Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius tries to talk to Regulus, but is in for a nasty surprise. Marlene realises her true feelings. Valentine's Day plans are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: homophobia and humanising Peter Pettigrew (sorry, the latter is not a legitimate trigger warning, but I do understand if you want to avoid it)

Sirius caught his brother outside the Transfiguration classroom a few days later. Regulus turned to glance at him, surrounded by his friends. Sirius pushed the strands of hair that had escaped his bun out of his eyes, panting slightly. "Reg. Can we talk?"

His brother eyed him suspiciously, but nodded without tearing his gaze from Sirius. His friends dispersed, waiting a few steps away, and Sirius had to admire how none of them objected or stayed. His own friends would certainly not have exerted the same courtesy. "What do you want, Sirius?"

"Look-" Sirius searched for the right words, trying to get his brother to understand. "You can do what you like to me. But - don't do anything to Remus. You _can't_ tell anyone about us, ok? He's - he's not ready. Please. You can't."

Regulus' lips twisted slightly. He had always been good at masking his expressions, so Sirius knew his brother wanted him to know about his clear disdain. "You're an idiot," he hissed. "Don't you _realise_ \- you're doing it to make them angry, aren't you? That's all you can do. Whatever it is that will piss our parents off the most, you pick it. Well, I'm done."

Sirius stared at him, unable to believe what was coming out of his brother's mouth. His sweet, docile brother whose only goal was to please everyone around him. His brother, who was the only good thing in his life until he turned eleven. "I - what?"

Regulus rolled his eyes. "Let's see. You chose Gryffindor. You became friends with blood traitors and half-bloods. You elected to do Muggle Studies. You grew your hair out, wore Muggle clothes, listened to Muggle music, and went out with Mudbloods. And now you shack up with a half-blood _boy_. It's like you're provoking them."

"Reg - this isn't you, this isn't your words. You saved my life last month, you can't be saying this, you can't actually _believe_ this-"

"Of course I saved your life," Regulus interrupted. "You're my _brother_. But _this_ \- all this - it's too much, Sirius. I don't - I can't-" he turned around to his friends, then looked wildly back at Sirius. "I need to go," he muttered, then took off.

"Regulus! Wait!" But his brother was gone, rounding the corner rapidly and disappearing. Sirius slumped against the wall, pressing his forehead to the cold stone.

* * *

Remus was in the library with his study group when Peter came to find him. He had formed quite a following (if one could call it that) now, ranging from seventh-years down to fourth. Though he certainly wasn't the leader. Their group held little circles for each subject, and looking over to the next table, he saw a NEWT Transfiguration student helping a struggling OWL one.

He turned to the girl sitting next to him for Charms. "What exactly did you need help with, Jemma?"

The fourth-year Gryffindor sighed miserably, staring down at her textbook. "I'm so lost. Why does that-" she stabbed at the parchment with her dry quill, "mean _that_? It's just so confusing. I'm never going to get it."

Remus patiently explained the concept until she finally went ' _Ohhhhh_ '. It was his favourite part about teaching, the moment when the concepts clicked into place and eyes lit up with understanding. Jemma left, clutching her textbook and looking a lot less stressed.

"Moony!" Peter struggled towards the table, looking like he was drowning in books. "I need your help." He upended his entire stash onto the table, spilling and inkwell. Remus cursed and cleared it up.

"What is it, Wormy?" It was then that Remus spotted the actual books his friend was carrying. "Pete... those are from the fiction section, aren't they?"

Peter went a bit pink. "Er. Yes."

"Are those _romance novels_?"

Peter's flush spread from his cheeks to his ears and down his neck. "Erm. Yeah. You see, I'm going to Hogsmeade with Eleanor Lewis for Valentine's Day, and I wanted to do something special. Something to... impress her."

Remus raised his eyebrows. "And you turned to romance novels?"

Peter sagged a bit, falling into a chair. "Well, I tried. There wasn't much in them that was helpful. Nothing I could use, anyway." He was turning pink again, and Remus quickly stopped him.

"Merlin, Wormtail, I didn't know you liked this girl that much! Good for you."

"I've decided to give her a go," Peter said, then chewed on his lip. "Well, that came out wrong. What I _meant_ was, I want to try. There's no point in me mooning - excuse the pun - over girls who I know will never have me. And Eleanor's cute! It could be fun."

"I'm sure it will be," Remus said, smirking at him, "but I really do have work to do."

"Oh, c'mon, Moony," Peter pleaded, staring at his friend, "help a bloke out here. Look - what're you doing for Sirius?"

"Keep your voice down," Remus hissed instinctively, and Peter mouthed _sorry_. Then he processed what his friend had said, and blinked. "Wait. You're - all right with me and Padfoot now, then?"

Peter smiled, and though it was a little forced, Remus appreciated the effort. "Yeah, 'course. Prongs talked me out of it, I was being a bit stupid. More girls for the rest of us, amirite? Just - don't go doing anything silly like splitting up. It would be an awkward nightmare for the friend group."

Remus grinned properly at Peter for what felt like for the first time in months. "I'm not planning on doing that any time soon, don't worry."

Peter grinned back, all silly. "Wait, but really, what are you doing for Padfoot? If _you_ are doing something? Sorry, I don't know how it works with two blokes."

Remus stared at him, realising in all the excitement - _they had nothing planned_. "Er. I suppose I'll talk to him? We're probably going to plan something together." He collected his books, standing up. "But if you really want a brilliant date with Eleanor, just ask her to guess what you're doing, then do whatever she says. It'll work every time, trust me." Remus threw his friend a wink, then strolled out of the library.

* * *

Sirius was sitting on the ledge of the Astronomy Tower, trying a cigarette that a Hufflepuff had given to him in exchange for chewing her homework (as Padfoot). She had been rather surprised when he had given it back to her, covered in tooth marks and slobber, when dogs weren't allowed as pets in Hogwarts, but one of the terms of their deal was that no questions be asked on either side, so now Sirius had a pack of cigarettes.

The ciggy helped with the cold some, Sirius sucking from it, then enjoying the shapes he could make from the exhaled smoke. He would definitely be suspended if he was caught here out of hours, smoking a contraband cigarette, but he didn't particularly care. He needed to get his mind off his brother.

The trapdoor swung open, and Sirius nearly fell off the wrong side of the ledge trying to hide. He stubbed the fag out desperately, throwing himself behind a wooden chest in case Professor Burnabe decided he had forgotten something. Luckily, it was a far more familiar voice. "Pads? I know you're there."

Sirius emerged, tucking his hair back into his bun where it had fallen out. "Hi. How'd you know I was here?"

"You're always here," Remus said, coming to sit next to him. Sirius shifted over on the ledge, staring at the horizon at the setting sun. "Penny for your thoughts?"

Sirius side-eyed him. "What?"

Remus turned to look at him, stared for a second, and then gave a shocked laugh. "Right. You're a pureblood. You wouldn't know what that was." Sirius waited. "A penny's basically a Knut," Remus explained. "So I'm asking for your thoughts, in a nutshell."

Sirius waggled his legs in the open air, knocking the heels of his boots against the ancient, weathered stone. "Er. I'm mostly thinking about my brother." Remus waited. "I - really don't feel like talking about it, sorry." He smiled half-heartedly, trying for a joke. "Besides, you haven't given me a penny."

Remus gave a small smile back. "Tell me if you need to talk, ok? Or James. We're here for you."

"Anyway," Sirius continued, clearing his throat, "why'd you come to find me?"

"I wanted to ask... what're we doing for Valentine's? Pete asked, that's why."

Sirius snorted. "Oh, has he finally got his head out of his arse?"

Remus rolled his eyes, but smirked. "Guess he has."

Sirius leaned on his boyfriend's shoulder, his fingers starting to go a little numb in the cold. "Er... you wouldn't want to go to Hogsmeade, would you. Besides, it's a bit boring now that we've been going to the same place for three years straight."

"I was thinking," Remus said carefully, "that we go to the Muggle town again. Meet that boy, what was his name? Art? We can telephone him, ask him-"

Sirius sat up straight. "Yes!" he exclaimed. "That's an excellent idea. Yeah, let's do that. When should we telephone?"

"Probably soon?" Remus tried, getting off the ledge. "What would you say to now?"

Sirius looked at his boyfriend properly, unable to stop the smile from spreading across his face. "I would say yes, Monsieur Moony," he breathed, and then their lips met.

Remus pulled back, eyebrows wrinkled slightly. "Did you _smoke_?" Sirius rolled his eyes, grinning, and grabbed his boyfriend's heater hands to pull him out of the tower.

They got out of the grounds fairly easily, Remus being a Prefect and all, and reached the telephone box a short walk down. It was pretty well used, mostly by Muggleborns and half-bloods who wanted to get in touch with family. Sirius remembered in the fourth year, when Mary had a Muggle boyfriend in her hometown and kept making Dorcas walk down here with her. When they had finally broken up, though she was a good friend about it, Sirius could tell Dorcas was the most relieved.

Remus unfolded the piece of paper Art had given them, then dialled it carefully. He handed the phone to Remus on the first ring, and Sirius panicked mildly, but Remus made wide eyes and nodded, miming speaking into the bottom bit. Sirius exhaled and was shocked to hear his own breath in his ear (they had _not_ learned that that would happen in Muggle Studies), but then there was a _click_ and a voice said "Hello?"

"Er. Hi," Sirius began. "Who's speaking?"

"That's the question I ask _you_ ," the voice said back, sounding entertained, and Sirius went red. "This is Art, by the way."

"Oh, brilliant," Sirius sighed in relief. "Er - I don't know if you remember, but two boys came in a couple of weeks ago for a tattoo? I'm-"

"Oh, yes, the blokes with the funny names!" Art exclaimed, and Sirius didn't know whether to feel indignant or amused. "What were they, again?"

"Sirius and Remus-"

"Right! And your tattoo was the funny-looking one, innit, the one that looked like a deformed fork-" Art was talking quickly now, jabbering into the phone, "still the most creative tat I've ever done, you've usually got your middle-aged folks who want a fuckin' cross or Bible verse - they're a right pain, I'll tell ya-"

"Art," Sirius said quickly, before the other boy could go off on too long of a rant, "on Valentine's, we have the night off school. Do you have anything interesting to do then?"

"We do, actually," Sirius could hear the smile in his voice. "The bus comes in with a bunch of regulars from nearby villages and towns. There's a few people from the uni nearby, too. Do come by, it'll be cracking."

"We will," Sirius promised, grinning now. "See you then."

"See you, I-forgot-your-name," Art replied, and then there was another click and a long beep. Sirius handed the receiver back to Remus, who put it back on the stand.

* * *

Marlene sat next to her best friend at lunch, eating together. Lily was slowly recovering from her incident, throwing herself into Prefect duties and her studies. She and James still didn't allow Mary to go anywhere alone, though James was now doubly late for lessons after refusing to let Lily walk to her own classes alone. Between Remus, Marlene, and James, Lily was rarely alone anywhere.

Dorcas, in complete contrast, was alone nearly all the time. For her birthday (she had insisted on no party, just a small cake cutting), they had all piled together to give her a Stowaway TPS-L2 cassette player so she didn't have to keep going to the boys' dorm to listen to her favourite songs. Marlene was still fascinated by the clunky object that Dorcas was constantly plugged into. She seemed fairly happy like this, poring over Care of Magical Creatures and Herbology textbooks and scribbling as she swayed her head to the music flowing directly into her ears, basking in the cold sunlight of the Hogwarts library. More than once (well, more than five times, really) Marlene had stopped browsing the shelves to look at her, perfectly content, eyes closed as she mouthed the chorus of her favourite song, light illuminating her curls. Marlene was always slightly disappointed when the chorus ended and her eyes opened, looking back down onto her page.

Marlene was fairly certain now. She fancied Dorcas Meadowes. And she was pretty sure Dorcas liked her back, but she was _Dorcas_ , which meant she was infinitely stubborn and secluded and buried her feelings and didn't think she deserved good things. But she did, because she was brave, and funny and generous and so caring. And her food was bloody brilliant.

"Marls?" Lily was saying, and Marlene tore her eyes away from Dorcas, who was talking to Mary on the other side of the table.

"Hmm?" She asked absently, blowing on her soup. Lily rolled her eyes.

"You didn't hear a word I just said, did you?"

Before Marlene could think of an excuse, Sirius and James appeared at the table, unloading satchels full of books. "Merlin, I'm so fucking tired," Sirius groaned, rolling his shoulders.

"Wait," Mary said, "now that everyone's here, what're we doing for Valentine's Day?"

Marlene grinned at her friend as Lily flustered for a response. "Er. I was just going to go to Hogsmeade, maybe stock up on some quills and sweets?"

"I'll come with," James said immediately, causing Lily to turn bright red. "Er. Not as a date or anything, it's just, I also need quills. And socks. And broom polish."

"Should we just give Lily and James our shopping lists, then?" Dorcas cracked, and everyone began to laugh. "Pint of milk, please."

"Shut up, Dorcas," Lily huffed, disgruntled, but Marlene could see the smile she was hiding.

"Pete, you're going with Eleanor Lewis, aren't you?" Mary continued. "And I'm going with Jack. Remus and Sirius, I'm assuming you two are going together, James and Lily are 'shopping', and Dorcas is going stag." The boys all snorted, and Marlene stared at them curiously.

"Hey, I'm going stag too," James said, sharing a glance with Sirius, and then all the boys were properly howling (with the exception of Remus, who rolled his eyes with a smirk on his face).

"So'm I," Marlene added through a mouthful of mashed potato. She caught Remus' eye. "Are you two going to Hogsmeade as well?"

"Er," Remus began, "we're actually going to the Muggle town nearby. Pads and I made a friend there when we went for his birthday, and - er - well - they're having a Valentine's Day thing-"

"For queers," Sirius supplied, slurping soup. Marlene brightened.

"Hey, Dorcs, we should go too!" she exclaimed, and she saw Dorcas stiffen. _Shit, she hadn't yet told the boys_. "Because... er... it'll be more interesting than Hogsmeade, right?"

Dorcas relaxed slightly. "It's ok, Marls. You don't have to pretend to be interested in that for me."

Marlene stared at her, realising her friend had misunderstood. "No, wait, I do actually want to go," she said, ignoring the James, Sirius, and Peter's curious glances. Mary was glaring at her, obviously protective of her best friend. Marlene tried to ignore it.

Dorcas turned to the boys, saying dryly, "Since I can see you clearly gawping, yes, I am queer. I'm interested in girls, much to the disappointment of the hundreds of boys currently fawning over me. Close your mouth, Pete. It's not that unusual."

"No, it's not," Marlene said quickly, trying to catch Dorcas' eye. She had to say something to get her attention, something- "I would know."

James turned to her, snorting. "Funny, Marls." He pivoted back to Dorcas, who was staring at Marlene with a strange look. "Good for you, Dorcs. We all support you."

Sirius grinned at her. "Welcome to the club, Dorcas."

"Thanks. Appreciate it."

"So we can go, then," Marlene said quickly. "C'mon, Dorcas, it'll be fun."

"If Dorcas doesn't want to go, she doesn't have to," Mary put in, glaring a little at Marlene, who leaned back, feeling stung.

"Merlin, Mary, I'm not _forcing_ her-"

"I'll go!" Dorcas said, cutting in. "Godric, I'll go. But I'm leaving if I don't like it, ok? And I'm bringing my Stowaway." She glanced at Remus and Sirius, who nodded quickly, and then at Marlene. She tried to hold her friend's eye, but Dorcas looked away quickly.

Lunch finished and everyone headed to their classes. Marlene hurried after Dorcas on their way to the cloakroom, getting ready for their Herbology class out in Greenhouse Three. Dorcas was already there, winding her scarf around her neck, when Marlene caught up to her. "Alright, Dorcas-"

Dorcas turned to her swiftly, eyes snapping onto hers. "Look, Marlene, you really don't have to come with me. I don't want - I don't want you to go out of your way."

"But I'm not," Marlene insisted, tugging her galoshes on. "I really do want to see-"

"See _what_?" Dorcas demanded, turning on her. "See what queer people are really like, outside the company of straights? See what I'm like, so you can stare and judge and then avoid me?"

Marlene blinked at her. "What? Where are you getting this from?"

"You think I don't notice? The little remarks, the innuendos, the disgusting _fascination_ \- stop it, Marlene, I'm begging you, please stop it. I know you know I - well - that night on New Year's - but I'm over it, I swear I am, so you can _stop_ now, because I don't know what you think you're doing - throwing me scraps, maybe - but _please, stop it_." She finally broke off, breathing hard, and then turned and walked out of the cloakroom into the snow.

Marlene sat on the wet wooden bench, still reeling. _Was that what she came across as?_ "No, Dorcas, wait," she managed to find her voice, running after her friend. Snow flew where she kicked it up, but she was considerably more athletic than Dorcas, and caught up to her easily. "Wait."

Dorcas turned around, weariness clear in her eyes. "It's ok, Marls," she sighed, fight seeming to have drained out of her, replaced with exhaustion. "I want to forget the whole thing. You can come to the pub, just - can we not talk about it again, please?"

Marlene looked at her friend: the tired eyes, the dark circles, the worn out expression. She swallowed the tirade of words rising up on her tongue; swallowed the feelings and fancies. First and foremost, Dorcas was her _friend_ ; she deserved to be shown that. So Marlene controlled herself and smiled at Dorcas. "Ok. Ready for Herbology?"

* * *

Sirius was so, so _tired._

When the full form of NEWTS was literally 'Nastily Exhausting', it was only right to expect this kind of weariness, but Sirius had severely underestimated the amount of effort he needed to put in in order to maintain the marks he was used to getting. Sirius was used to fooling around in class, focusing most of his energy on pranks and still passing exams with flying colours, but now classes were so much harder and there was Quidditch on top of everything. He had almost no free time.

Yes, he could have skived off on studying and let his marks fall. But it was also a matter of pride. He was Sirius Black, and one of the main reasons for his popularity was the sheer absence of _effort_ he seemed to put into his life while also having one that everyone was jealous of. There were also the Potters, who though Sirius was sure would never be disappointed in him, he couldn't bear even the thought of letting them down. And of course, he had to find a job after school. He had it easier than most, being a pureblood, but still.

All this was running through Sirius' mind as he trudged down to Potions, trying to talk himself out of abandoning it all. He eventually succeeded, though his train of thought was interrupted by some Slytherins leering at him. One girl stepped forward, grinning maliciously, blocking his path.

"What d'you want?" he demanded, too tired to take any of their bullshit. She remained silent, baring all her teeth. "Can you get out of my way, then?"

"Sure," she replied, still grinning, and that's when Sirius started to get suspicious. He turned to the group behind her, spotting Regulus somewhere at the back. The guilt in his brother's eyes was unmistakeable. _No, he didn't. Please say he didn't._ "Fucking poof," the girl spat, and although he had known it was coming, he still felt the word like a rock to the stomach.

"Bugger off," he snarled, pushing through them.

Sirius' shoulder brushed one of the boys, and he yelped. "He touched me! Everyone, backs to the wall!" They all howled with laughter as Sirius gritted his teeth, trying his best to ignore them. He arrived outside the Potions classroom before any of his friends and lingered outside until James and Lily showed up, having just dropped Mary to her class. "You two alright?"

"Fine, mate," James said, pushing a hand through his floppy hair.

Slughorn arrived and let the early students in, going to his desk and preparing his notes. Sirius reached his own desk and heaved his satchel off his shoulder, trying not to think about what had just happened in the corridor, when he looked down at the wooden surface. 'HOMO' was scrawled in bright red ink.

Sirius' pulse jackhammered. _This wasn't happening. There was no way this was happening._ More people started filing into the classroom, and Sirius' heart leapt when he saw Remus, then it plummeted rapidly. _I can't let Remus see this, it would break his heart._ Then it occured to him that just because Regulus told his friends about Sirius, it didn't mean he told them about Remus. Maybe Sirius' brother wasn't the biggest prick.

It didn't solve the problem of Remus rapidly approaching, though. Sirius thought fast and upended his entire satchel onto the desk, pages and scrolls flying. Remus looked amused as he arrived at the desk. "What're you doing now?"

"Nothing," Sirius said, realising that had sounded very suspicious as Remus narrowed his eyes slightly. "Just clumsy."

"Ok," Remus gave him a half-smile that made Sirius' stomach flutter. "How was your day? I missed you."

How was it that this boy could make Sirius' entire day better with just three words? "It was shite without you, love," Sirius grinned back, ensuring his voice was low. "I missed you too. We're so _busy_ now."

"Well, we'll have the entire night to ourselves on Valentine's Day," Remus reminded, covering Sirius' hand with his own.

Slughorn started the lesson, and then all efforts to talk to Remus were gone. Sirius reminded himself that he should also probably be taking notes and searched for a bit of blank parchment to write on. In doing so, he accidentally pushed one of his textbooks off the table, spurring a chain reaction that sent a whole sheaf of his History notes to the floor. Remus glanced at him, rolling his eyes. When he turned back to his own parchment, his eyes skidded across the now empty table on Sirius' side. The bright red words scrawled there.

Sirius saw all this happen, in slow motion, almost. But he couldn't stop any of it, couldn't fall on the desk to make sure Remus didn't see it, couldn't push his head away in an attempt to be playful, couldn't have been more careful with his things in the first place. But Remus saw it, and Sirius saw his face change almost comically slowly, eyebrows knitting first in confusion, normally tan complexion paling to white, eyes widening, muscles slackening, mouth dropping slightly open. Amber eyes flicking up to meet grey. Sirius saw the devastation in them, the hurt and the fear and the shame, and it killed him because there was nothing he could do. "Remus, wait-"

But Remus' hand was in the air, asking to go to the bathroom, and he was excused. Sirius' arm shot up immediately after. "Professor, I think I'm going to be sick."

Slughorn glared at him, but his ill expression must have been reasonably convincing, because he was allowed to go. Some of the Slytherins hooted suggestively, and it took all of Sirius' control to not give them the finger. As he passed James' desk, he whispered, "Take notes for him, please." His best friend stared at him, eyes wide with curiosity and alarm, but Sirius was out of the classroom before he could say anything.

Remus' footsteps echoed in the empty corridor and Sirius had no trouble catching up to him. "Moony?" Remus turned around, his face completely blanched. When Sirius took his hand, he realised it was shaking. "Wait, Moony, talk to me. Please."

"What do you want me to say?" Remus asked, his voice trembling slightly. Sirius saw that tears were pricking his eyes.

"Tell me what you're feeling, what you're thinking - please. Penny for your thoughts?" He tried, just to get a smile on his boyfriend's face.

It didn't work, but Remus took a deep breath, sinking into an alcove where they wouldn't be seen from the corridor. "Who did that," he said quietly, staring down at his shoes.

Sirius gulped. "Er. I think it was some of those Slytherins - Regulus told them - but if they haven't been bothering you, that means he only told them about me - and that's all right, isn't it?"

Remus looked up at him, the desolation clear in his eyes. "Of course it isn't ok," Remus said desperately. "You don't deserve their shit, you don't deserve it any more than I do, you shouldn't have to deal with it either. I just hate that it even exists, you know?"

"I'm used to it," Sirius said gently, settling beside his boyfriend. "I'm used to the Slytherins' slurs and snarls - and I know you are, too."

"But don't you see?" Remus implored. "It's not going to be just the Slytherins. It's going to be almost _everyone_. This isn't like blood purity where most people are divided; this is like being a werewolf, where most people hate you. The popularity you love so much? Gone. The hordes of fawning girls? All gone, too. It's not going to be easy, Sirius, I don't think you've anticipated how hard it's going to be, because you've never faced it. I'm not saying you've never faced hardships, but you've always had your looks and smarts and charm to fall back on. Do you understand me? _You're not going to have those anymore_."

Sirius stared at him, taking in the words. _It's going to be everyone_. He swallowed hard, trying to bypass the lump in his throat. He needed to be the strong one here, he knew it. "I know it will be hard. But I get to be with _you_. And all of our friends have been accepting, and Dorcas just came out - I hardly think the _whole school_ will be firmly against us."

Remus took a long, shuddering breath. "You're right, but-" he broke off, still looking at the ground. "I just hate the feeling. So - if it does come out - can we not... advertise it? Or play into their hands?" He looked at Sirius through his long lashes. "Please. I don't want to be forced out when I'm not ready."

Sirius rested his head on his boyfriend's shoulder. "Yeah, 'course. It's us against the world, right?"

Remus exhaled, dropping his own head on top of Sirius'. "Us against the world."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 35 done! Hope you enjoyed it. The next chapter will be Valentine's Day, and then the awful wolfstar/dorlene thing which I thought would be this chapter but then realised it needed a bit more buildup, and then I wanted them to have a nice Valentine's with no sadness (mostly, we'll see) so I postponed it yet another chapter. It will happen though, and I'm excited to write it for you :) thank you for all the lovely comments and messages again! love you all!
> 
> By the way: a Stowaway TPS-L2 is the early British version of a Walkman cassette player, for anyone who is confused :)


	36. Valentine's Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They all go on their respective Valentine's Day dates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took six whole days to come up. I had a busy week. Not an excuse, obviously. I apologise. Anyway, enjoy this rather poorly written chapter.

On Valentine's Day, everyone was antsy for the first two lessons of the day, waiting for the free time they would get in the night.

Sirius mostly kept his head down, as most of the bullying seemed to be targeted at him and not Remus. Lily's heart broke for her friends. She was getting a lot less stares and pranks now, she guessed that people quickly realised that the story of her shagging the two was fake. Still, she wished that she was able to take some of the burden again. Lily didn't mind other people's negative attention all that much, but knew that Sirius took it straight to the heart. He cared too much about what people thought of him.

After she and James had dropped Mary to Standard Potions, James insisted on walking Lily to Standard Herbology before running off to his Standard Charms lesson. She stared at him. "You can't possibly walk me to the greenhouses, Potter, you'll be at least fifteen minutes late and Professor Flitwick will be annoyed."

He sucked on his teeth doubtfully. "But something could happen. Anyway, I want a bit of fresh air."

Lily raised her eyebrows, ignoring a burst of heart confetti sailing over her head coming from a group of fourth years. "The attention is mostly off me, anyway, now that Sirius and Remus-" she broke off, her heart sinking. James looked down at her, eyes wide and earnest, and Lily found herself softening. "Well, if you really want to, I won't complain."

James brightened, grinning. "I'm not here to protect you, you know. I know you can handle any boy that throws himself at you. Merlin, you handled me pretty well for five years." Lily chuckled as they walked out onto the snowy grounds. "I like spending time with you, Lily. That's why I walk you around, mostly." He blinked, and Lily noticed snowflakes clinging to his eyelashes. "I like being your friend."

Lily stared at him. She _did_ like being his friend, she realised belatedly. She enjoyed talking to him about everything ranging from opinions on stuffed eclairs to politics. She liked having him there as she walked to classes, laughing and joking and bickering. Lily swallowed against the lump of emotions that rose in her throat, thinking desperately of something to do. She quickly bent down, fiddling with her shoelace. James frowned. "You alright-"

Collecting an armful of snow, she shot up and upended it all into his face. He jumped back, spluttering and wiping snow out of his eyes. She laughed so hard she doubled over, wheezing at his surprised expression. James dropped his satchel, immediately squatting down to shape a snowball. "Oh, it is _on_."

Lily shrieked as he pelted her with snow, ducking behind a small dune which quickly exploded from James' projectiles. Lily managed to get him back, though, with a loosely packed snowball straight to his face. He eventually caught her and stuffed snow down the back of her jacket while she flailed and swore at him, but they ended up in a pile, worn out from laughing. They were over twenty minutes late for class, now, but looking at her friend, hazel eyes sparkling and soft black hair wet from the snow, Lily really didn't care.

* * *

Marlene nudged Dorcas at the lunch table, plugged into her cassette player as usual. "What're you listening to?"

Dorcas looked up at her, eyes lidded, and gave her a small smile. "The Who." She hit a button on the box, sliding the clunky object that looked like earmuffs connected to a wire off her head. "Here, d'you want to listen?"

Marlene took the offered headphones, putting the cups over her ears. Dorcas pressed the button, and Marlene jumped a little as sound flowed directly into her ears. Jumpy notes began to play in her ears, and she shut her eyes and listened, eager to see what was coming next. Then the drumbeat kicked in, and she started bobbing her head, swaying slightly. A voice started, and though she couldn't understand the individual words at first listen, the hoarseness and passion in the singer's voice changed something in Marlene, she wasn't sure what.

Dorcas was watching her carefully, seeming to be noting her every reaction. Marlene couldn't stop the smile from spreading on her face. "It's - it - it inspires you to rise up," she managed to say, "no, wait, that's not exactly right, I don't know how to put it into words. It awakes something in you. Like nothing really matters, but passionate nihilism that makes you want to fight, for no reason other than because you're young."

Dorcas grinned at her. "Teenage wasteland," she quoted.

Marlene's eyes widened slightly. "Oh, _that's_ what he was saying." She stared at her friend's face, finally understanding why Dorcas chose to be plugged into this device. "Yes. That's exactly the feeling it gives you."

Dorcas' eyes sparkled behind her glasses, and Marlene never wanted to look away.

* * *

Four o'clock rolled around, and the upper school was allowed out for Valentine's Day while the lower three years looked on jealously. Dorcas donned her favourite band shirt and jeans, ones that were flared on the bottom. _You're going to have fun,_ she told herself sternly, pulling on her trainers. _The fact that it is the fourteenth of February means nothing. The fact that you're going to a queer bar means nothing. The fact that Marlene will be there means nothing._

 _Marlene_. That girl perplexed Dorcas beyond reason. Why did she _try_ so hard? It was massively infuriating. Dorcas was doing her level best to get over her.

"Dorcas!" Sirius bellowed, lounging on the sofa in the common room. "Hurry up, we have to go! Lily, Prongs, Mary, and Pete left ten minutes ago, and we've got a walk!"

"Coming," she yelled back, lacing her shoes and hurrying to them. "Hey, we can do warming charms on the way there now. Sorry, Remus. I can do one for you, if you want."

Remus grinned a little. "Sure. Can we go?"

The four of them set off, Marlene and Sirius talking animatedly and loudly about Quidditch, their voices carrying on the snowy path. Dorcas fell behind a little, falling into step behind Remus. "He left you behind on Valentine's Day, eh?"

Remus snorted, watching his boyfriend, and something in his expression made Dorcas' heart ache in longing. "Oh, well. You know how he is."

"Yeah," she sighed, her gaze shifting to Marlene, who looked fit as hell in new brown boots. She jumped on a pile of snow, her laughter carrying, as Sirius pushed her. "I know."

Remus turned to her, and Dorcas quickly looked away. It was too late, though. "It's Marlene, isn't it? The girl?"

Dorcas set her mouth in a line, determined not to let any expression show through. "What? No, it isn't." Immediately, she realised her mistake in not sounding shocked enough when Remus had brought up her name.

Her friend laughed. "Oh my god, it is. You're a terrible liar, by the way."

"Shut up," she grumbled, knowing there was no use in lying to Remus. "I'm getting over her, I swear I am."

"Be careful," Remus warned, kicking at a bit of slush. "Marls is... well, I love her, but she's the type to... experiment. And I think you'd get hurt."

"I know, I know," Dorcas grumbled. "Anyway, you don't have to worry. There's no chance of anything like that happening."

Dorcas could feel her friend watching her even though she was looking away. "...I'm not convinced that's true," he said carefully. "Why'd you think she insisted on coming today? Or going stag for Valentine's, if I recall correctly, for the first time in six years?"

Dorcas gritted her teeth, kicking a piece of gravel hard. It went skittering off. "Fuck if I know, Rem," she bit out. "She's free to do whatever she likes. It's not my problem. I'll be careful, don't worry. I'm ok." She dared another glance at the girl in front of her, laughing and skidding on the icy road, her blonde hair falling behind her, and Dorcas' heart ached. She would always be a little bit in love with Marlene McKinnon, she realised. And she would have to make that ok. Make that enough.

She'd had a lot of practice. This wouldn't change anything.

* * *

Mary and Peter both met their respective dates and went off, and Lily adjusted her cloak on her shoulders, suddenly feeling incredibly awkward. "Er... where did you want to go first?"

James chewed on his lip, studiously not looking at her. She completely understood. Walking to class was one thing, being alone in Hogsmeade _on Valentine's Day_ was an entirely different affair. He finally turned to her, grinning a bit. "Er, Honeydukes?"

Lily caught the mirth lurking under his voice and pretended to consider, pressing a finger to her chin to further the effect. "Hmm. I don't know... maybe I'll find Alice and Frank, or-"

"Oh, come on, Evans," James smirked, leaning on the exterior stone wall of a shop. "I'll even buy you a pack of Deluxe Sugar Quills."

"You're getting better at this whole flirting gig, Potter," she teased, and he grinned rakishly, pulling the door open for her, and then they were out of the snow. Lily breathed in the sugared scent on the air. "Yum. I'm taking you up on that offer, I do hope you realise."

James gave an exaggerated sigh. "What can one do," he lamented, but Lily noticed that when she went to pay for her sweets, he insisted. They swept out of the shop, and Lily headed straight for Flourish and Blotts. Parchment was one of her favourite smells, and one that commonly appeared in her Amortentia. Of course, now, the musky smell of James' cologne was there too. At least now they were organically mingling, but Lily was almost propelled back to the Potions classroom at the familiar scents.

James browsed the inks as Lily headed straight for the textbooks, looking for one to replace her Charms one that had gotten permanent ink spilled on it by a jealous girl. Marlene had been extremely close to punching her, but Lily didn't particularly want that on her friend's record.

They spent a companionable few hours, shopping and bickering as usual and pretend-flirting. At least, Lily was fairly certain it was pretend. It was far too outright and over-the-top to be real, though if she was being _completely_ honest, she wasn't entirely immune to the charms of James Potter.

They ended the trip with Butterbeer at the emptying Three Broomsticks. One of the perks of being a NEWT student was that they were allowed to be out until fairly late, and it was mostly people from their year still lounging about, with the seventh-years having rushed back to school to buckle down and study for their rapidly approaching exams.

She took a long draught of Butterbeer and sighed contentedly as the liquid warmed her from the inside out, and grinned at James. "So, that was fun."

James huffed, and Lily almost didn't want to tell him about the moustache of foam sitting on his upper lip. "Not nearly as much fun as Sirius, Remus, Marlene, and Dorcas are probably having. They're going to a _Muggle pub_. Remus told me that Muggles drink way more than any of us, and we're sitting here swigging the same Butterbeer that I saw a _fourteen-year-old_ drink. A bit of a pathetic Valentine's Day, if you ask me."

Lily gestured to her lip, unable to take it any more. "You've got something-"

James looked at her, distracted. "What?"

Lily rolled her eyes and grabbed a tissue, reaching out and dabbing the foam off his lip. "There we go. You looked like a two-year-old."

James had gone very still, his eyes almost comically wide, staring at her. "Er. You have pretty hair." His eyes immediately flared wider, this time in panic. "Wait, no, bloody hell. That's not what I meant to say-"

Lily laughed, snorting unattractively. "Merlin, your face."

James recovered, melting back into his chair. "Well, like I was saying, someone's got to go and scrape them off the floor. I don't trust Sirius, Dorcas, and Remus a jot, frankly. Marlene, maybe."

"Marls is going to drink," Lily said, taking another sip. "She told me she was looking forward to getting blackout plastered."

James frowned. "Well, that settles it, then. From what we last saw of Mary, attached to that boy's face, and Peter, going back to Hogwarts with his date, I'd say it's up to us to go and get them eventually. How much d'you want to bet they'd forgotten about curfew?"

Lily was unable to stop a grin forming on her face. "Who'd have thought _James Potter_ , Quidditch Captain, popular boy extraordinaire, would be so responsible when looking after his friends? I wonder if this is going to be our permanent role, once we leave Hogwarts, too. Dragging everyone back to ours to crash."

James stared at her, and Lily discovered her slip-up. _Ours_. It was her turn to panic. "Wait, no-"

"Shall we, then, Evans?" James said quickly, jumping up and offering her his hand. Despite her misgivings, she took it, for no reason other than she wanted to hold his hand again. His warm, callused hand that gripped hers tightly. "Let's go get our idiot friends."

* * *

Dorcas immediately saw the pub, lit up from the inside with pink and a group of people standing outside, smoking and chatting, looking around their age, maybe a bit older. She and Remus slowed slightly, inching towards the back, but Marlene grabbed her hand. "C'mon, Dorcs, let's go."

Dorcas tried not to focus too much on Marlene's hand in hers as her friend pulled her forward. Her fingers were cold, but her palm was comfortingly callused from the places she held a broom. Marlene flashed a grin at the group of kids in front of the door. "Hiya."

One of the girls looked them up and down. She was pretty, with short, straight black hair cut choppily, and when she turned her head, Dorcas saw that the tips were dyed bright blue. Her black-painted lips spread into a smile. "Hi there," she took a drag of her ciggy, glancing at one of her friends, then back at Dorcas and Marlene. "Welcome to our pub. Where're you lot from, then?"

Sirius sauntered up to the girl, giving his famous charming grin and holding Remus by the hand. "Hi. Art invited us, we're from the school nearby."

"Ohhhh," one of the other girls said, a shorter one with a giant puff of kinky hair. "The blokes with the funny names, Dot."

"I'm Remus," Remus said, one side of his mouth lifting up, "and this is Sirius, and Marlene and Dorcas."

Dot sized them up. "You poshos do know who this party is for, yes?"

Sirius lifted their linked hands. "Yeah, thanks. Remus is my boyfriend."

Dot finally gave them a proper grin, dropping her fag on the ground and crushing it under the heel of her boot. "Well then. Good to meet ya. Are you two together as well?" She nodded towards Dorcas and Marlene. _Shit_.

Marlene opened her mouth, looking far too comfortable with Dot's assumption for Dorcas' good. She dropped Marlene's hand like a hot coal. "God, no. She's straight. Just come for the moral support."

Dot moved her gaze squarely onto Dorcas. "Hope she knows what she's getting herself into, then."

"I do, thanks," Marlene snapped, trying to reach for Dorcas' hand again, for Godric knows what reason. Dorcas' thoughts whirled. Marlene was so _confusing_. She tucked her hand safely into her pocket. Marlene caught her eyes for a second, and there was something in them, something hurt. She scowled a bit at the girl. "I was told there'd be drinks?"

"A girl after my own heart," Dot laughed, eyeing Dorcas like there was a secret they were sharing. She decided she quite liked it. "Well, if you've got the dosh, you're good."

Marlene brushed past them, flashing one final insincere grin at the girl. "What's crawled up her arse and died?" Dot asked, reaching for the door handle and pulling it open.

Dorcas' hand closed around her Stowaway, her one lifeline in all this chaos. "Er. She's confusing. You get used to it after a while."

Dot smiled. "Want anything to drink, Dorcas?"

It startled her that she used her name, but Dorcas grinned back. "Is that an offer to pay?"

* * *

Sirius spotted Art immediately, dragging his boyfriend over to meet him. While the people in the pub looked incredibly cool, it was reassuring to see a familiar face. "Sirius! Remus! I did get your names right, didn't I?"

Remus grinned at him. "Wasn't expecting you to, to be honest."

"Oi, Dan!" Art yelled to the bloke at the bar. "Give us three shots, yeah?" The burly man with a septum ring behind the bar nodded and pushed three glasses over. Art grabbed one and lifted it high in the air. "I'm single as fuck, but happy Valentine's."

Sirius clinked his glass and downed the shot in one go, proud to note that he was able to take it far more easily than at the beginning of the year. Remus smiled at him. "Happy Valentine's Day, love."

"I love you," Sirius replied, feeling deliriously happy when Remus leaned down and gave him a long, proper, kiss, and the people in the bar hooted cheerfully. They broke apart and Sirius looked around, noting the two girls holding hands and a boy cuddling his boyfriend. Another girl was wrapped in a black piece of cloth with a pink triangle painted at the centre of it. She grinned at him when she saw him looking. Warmth flooded him. It was different, and he didn't know any of these people, but for the first time in a while, Sirius felt truly _safe_. Safe to hold Remus' hand, to kiss him and to love him without the taint of shame and fear. Remus beamed down at him, and Sirius could tell he was thinking the same thing. He went on his tiptoes and pecked his boyfriend again.

"All right, all right, don't rub it in," Art laughed, pouring them both another shot each. "That'll be two quid each, by the way."

Sirius frowned at him, utterly perplexed, but Remus reached into his pocket and drew out the little bits of paper that Muggles considered money. "Right."

Sirius tuned out, turning to focus on a group of people standing around the record player in the corner. A girl hefted a cardboard sleeve high. "This is their new one! Yes, shut up, Dot, it came out two months ago and cost me bloody well near half of my salary. If you lot dare get your grubby fingers all over it, I'll make you pay."

One of the boys laughed. "All right, Cath, let's calm down, shall we," he soothed, and clearly there was something between them, because she let him take it and set it into the player. "Ooh, I think we'll all appreciate this one."

Dorcas came over, her hair loose around her shoulders, holding a beer bottle and looking relaxed for the first time in a while. "Hiya," she grinned, "that's the new Queen album they're bickering over, did you know?"

"Wait, they're the ones who did Bohemian Rhapsody, aren't they," Remus frowned, trying to remember.

"Yeah," the girl named Cath called from the record player, "and this song is about him being queer."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Really? He's queer? How d'you know?"

"Wait for it," Cath grinned, and then the whole pub stopped talking to listen to the chorus of the song, several of them singing along.

  
_Ooh, love, ooh, loverboy_

_What're you doin' tonight, hey, boy?_

_Set my alarm, turn on my charm_

_That's because I'm a good old-fashioned loverboy_

  
_Ooh, let me feel your heartbeat (grow faster, faster)_

_Ooh, ooh, can you feel my love heat?_

_Come on and sit on my hot-seat of love_

_And tell me how do you feel right after all_

  
The tune was fun and catchy, and Sirius found himself swaying erratically, grabbing Remus' warm hands and dancing chaotically. Cath grinned. "See? He's calling himself a loverboy, but also calling the person he's talking to 'boy'. So there are two boys. In conclusion, queer."

Sirius' eyes widened. "Bloody hell, you're right."

"And," the boy from earlier continued, "he says 'can you feel my love heat'." He raised his eyebrows, grinning. "Tell me what you think that means."

Dorcas snorted, almost spraying a mouthful of beer. "Oh my god. This is the greatest news ever. Freddie Mercury is queer."

"He's a poof!" Art yelled, lifting his shot so high a bit of it spilled. "One of the most popular singers in Great fucking Britain is nothing but a bloody pansy just like us! Hear that, Mr Thomson?" Everyone cheered maniacally, laughing and shouting, and Sirius almost couldn't believe his ears. That they were using words like that, words that had been used against them, meant that they were reclaiming it. Reclaiming the hate, making it theirs. Sirius' head spun a bit, but in the best way possible.

"Moony," he said quietly to Remus as the second chorus hit and people began singing in earnest, "I think I may be in love with this place. These people. This feeling. This is _freedom_."

Remus gave him a smile. "I know, love. Me too."

* * *

Marlene focused on getting as blackout hammered as fucking possible.

This was torture. Seeing Dorcas laugh and look so content and relaxed without being plugged into that bloody device, and it wasn't even Marlene who was making her feel that way, but some random twat who happened to be hanging around. Dorcas laughed and drank and sang to songs and threw her arm over that girl's shoulders and-

Marlene slammed back another shot, not even remembering which one it was. The barkeep looked at her, a bit concerned. "You all right?"

Marlene blinked at him, not really sure of the answer. She hadn't ever gotten this drunk before, and while the detachment was nice, she didn't know her inhibitions. "Er. I think so?"

"I think that's enough for you, eh?" he asked gently, taking her glass away, and his concern angered Marlene for some reason.

"Oi, if I'm paying, I'm drinking," Marlene shot back, but there was no bite in her tone. She slumped on the bar, defeated. "Sorry."

"S'all right," he replied, sliding her glass back. She took it gratefully, before realising it was full of water. Still, it was probably smart to drink it, so she did, then got up, tottering a bit. Everyone was dancing now, to a sort of slow song, swaying with each other. She saw Remus and Sirius, gazing into each other's eyes, and Marlene looked away quickly, not being able to stand the nausea roiling in her stomach. She glanced around desperately, looking for something, anything, and her gaze fell upon Dorcas. And that girl, Dot. They were giggling quietly, and then Dot looped her arms around Dorcas' neck and leaned closer, and Dorcas looked up at her, and the sparkle of her eyes-

Marlene was going to be sick. She stumbled outside, desperate to get away from the smell of cigarettes and alcohol and body warmth and love. She leaned against the cool brick of the exterior, trying to get her breathing under control. _What was wrong with her?_

"Marls?" Dorcas' voice came from inside the pub, and the door swung open, and then Dorcas was in front of her. "Are you alright?" Marlene couldn't answer. She sank down onto the bench, not even caring that it was a bit damp, and put her head between her knees. "Marlene? Come back inside, it's cold."

"In a minute," Marlene croaked, unable to say anything more.

Dorcas sighed, but rubbed her hands together and sat down next to her. Neither of them said anything for a while. "Do you need to talk?"

"Are you having a good time with her?" Marlene burst out suddenly, and then immediately regretted it.

Dorcas frowned. "Er, yeah. Thanks for convincing me to come. It feels safe."

Marlene waited, an ugly emotion souring her heart. "Good."

"And," Dorcas continued, sitting up, "Dot's music recommendations are wicked, I'm going to get those tapes as soon as I possibly can-"

"Do you like her?" Marlene interrupted. She knew she should shut up right now, let Dorcas have her night. But with all that alcohol inhibiting her brain, she couldn't bring herself to care.

"Yeah, I guess," Dorcas said cautiously. "Er, why?"

"You know what I mean," Marlene forged ahead, despite the logical minority of her brain telling her to _shut the fuck up_. "Is she going to give you her telephone number? Are you going to ring her every evening and go out with her?"

Dorcas stared at her, beautiful onyx eyes wide, breath coming out in little white puffs. "Marls, where is this-"

Marlene knew this was a colossally bad idea, but every nerve was screaming at her to do it. In almost an alternate reality to New Year's, she fell forward, lips landing on Dorcas'. And they were kissing. And she was expecting it this time, was properly aware of it, and it was _glorious_. She had been attracted to boys before, boys who made her feel good. But this was completely different. Just the knowledge that this was _Dorcas Meadowes_ kissing her, _Dorcas Meadowes_ fisting her hands in Marlene's jumper, _Dorcas Meadowes'_ curls sliding through Marlene's fingers. Dorcas' tongue probing the barrier of their lips, slipping inside Marlene's mouth, and then all rational thought flew out of her head as she pressed forward for more, more, more-

Dorcas pulled back, panting, her eyes wide with panic. "That's - that's not fair." Her breath came faster, steaming up her glasses. Through the fogged up glass, Marlene thought she could see tears pricking her eyes. "Marls - that's unfair. You can't do that."

Marlene's vision swam in and out, she couldn't tell if it was from drunkenness or emotion. "Dorcas-"

"Fuck - you can't just waltz in here and take advantage of me like that-"

"Is that really what you think-"

"What am I bloody supposed to think?" Dorcas shouted, getting up, her voice catching slightly. "You're using me to - _experiment_ \- and I won't take it-"

"If you'd just fucking _listen to me_ , you'd understand-" Marlene made the mistake of stepping closer, and Dorcas took a step back, and then she fled back inside, leaving Marlene with nausea in her stomach and a bad taste on her tongue.

She screamed, tears finally breaking free and cascading down her face, all snotty. Her stomach heaved and she vomited neatly onto the ground, then slumped against the wall, still crying. Her head pounded.

"Marlene?" A concerned, familiar voice sounded from above her, and with an enormous effort, she lifted her head to find Lily staring at her, concerned. "What on earth happened to you?"

Marlene hiccoughed. "Take me home, Lils," she begged, her voice small and cracked, "please."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs are: 'Baba O'Riley' by The Who and 'Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy' by Queen.  
> Chapter 36 done! I am an imbecile who can't stick to a posting schedule. Also, it's absolutely crazy that I got over 500 hits in 5 days. Thank you all so much. I can't believe we're nearly at 3000 hits. The next chapter is going to be angsty, though by the ending of this one, I'd say that was fairly obvious. Thanks for reading and thank you for all the comments and kudos! love you all!


	37. Hate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marlene and Dorcas make it worse. Regulus has a bit of a dilemma. Remus goes through one of the worst moments in his life (so far).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: homophobia, mentions of self-harm and suicide.
> 
> Thank you for 3000 hits!!

A few days after Valentine's Day, and nothing had changed.

Dorcas was doing everything in her power to avoid Marlene. She often came up to her friend, plugged into her music player as usual, only to be completely ignored. Dorcas no longer walked with her to class, opting to go later or earlier, consequences be damned. Marlene was more than a little hurt that Dorcas would rather sit through an hour's detention with Professor Sprout for being late than walk in the vicinity of her.

After three days, Marlene finally confronted her in the dorm after Lily had gone to Prefect duty and Mary, unable to stand the tension, had left to find her boyfriend. Dorcas immediately stood and collected her books, but Marlene jumped up. "Wait. Dorcas. Please." Dorcas ignored her, walking to the door, and a sick, desperate feeling pervaded Marlene. " _Colloportus_ ," she casted, and the door clicked shut. Dorcas stood still, facing the door. Marlene was encouraged by the fact that Dorcas could have certainly unlocked the door had she wanted to.

"What do you want?" Dorcas' voice was low, impossibly low.

"Can we please sort this out?"

"Sort what out?" Marlene said nothing, staring at the blankets she was sitting on. "No, come on, tell me. Sort _what_ out?"

Marlene gestured at the air between them. "This whole mess?"

"No," Dorcas finally turned around, her throat bobbing. "No, I want to hear you say it. If you want to sort it out, you've got to have the courage to say it."

"What do you want me to say?" Marlene asked desperately, her hand fisting in the sheets. "That I'm sorry for kissing you?" At the words, Dorcas' face changed, lining itself with pain. Marlene pressed forward, unable to stop. "Because I'm not, Dorcs. I'm not sorry."

Dorcas leaned against the door, looking at a bedpost, blinking very fast. "Fuck you."

"What?"

"I said fuck you," Dorcas repeated, her eyes far too bright, trained carefully away from Marlene's face. "You can't just use me like that, Marlene, to fulfil whatever weird fantasy that you've got going on, use my obvious-"

"Merlin, that's not what I meant at all! Can you just listen to me? I kissed you," Marlene said very loudly, "because I wanted to. Not because of exploration, or fantasy-"

"Stop _lying_ to me! You're - you're straight!"

"But I'm _not_ -"

"Stop," Dorcas shuddered now, reaching for her wand and unlocking the door. "Please, just stop. You're being mean, Marls." Tears clung to her lashes as she tried to stave them off. "I don't - I don't know what you think I want, but it's not this. And if you can't stop, then leave me alone." The door slammed, and she was gone.

* * *

Dorcas scrambled down the stairs, tripping in her haste and nearly smashing her face on the door.

It couldn't hurt more than the vice that was squeezing her chest, though.

The noise in her head was impossibly loud, louder than it had been on New Year's or even Valentine's Day. At least on both of those occasions she had been drunk enough to drown out the worst of it. Now she was completely sober, her head burning like mad, unable to hear her own thoughts, and almost succumbing to the overwhelming desire to cut into her arm.

Tears streamed freely down her face, and she could hardly see for the water blurring her glasses. She stumbled into the common room and then promptly out of it again, heading somewhere, anywhere - she needed something sharp, even if just to press into the pad of her finger, she needed _pain_ \- pain worse than the searing inside.

 _Fuck_.

She couldn't do it, she couldn't do it - it wouldn't be that hard to obtain a knife, a safety pin, a scalpel. Dorcas just needed to dig into Lily's potions set - she knew exactly where it was, after all, and it was unlikely Marlene had stuck around in the dorm after that whole ordeal - but then she remembered Mary and Remus, and the promises she had made, and damn if that boy couldn't somehow tell that she had done it. _Sense of smell_. Fuck this.

Dorcas staggered into the library, managing to see where she was going. By some small stroke of luck, the hawkish librarian wasn't at the front desk, so Dorcas was able to look inside for the person she knew could help her. Remus was sitting alone at a table, frowning at a bit of parchment, scratching his head with the back of a quill. She attempted to clear her throat, but when her voice came out, it was still a horrid rasp. "Remus."

He glanced up, then immediately leapt to his feet. "Dorcas. Are you alright?"

"Do I look alright?" she tried to joke, but at his look of concern, she couldn't hold it in anymore and started to cry. Luckily, Dorcas Meadowes had plenty of practise crying quietly when she still hadn't mastered the Silencing Charm, and she had clearly retained this skill.

"C'mon," Remus said, and shoved his books into his bag, then took her hand and led her to a semi-abandoned corridor. Dorcas leaned against the cool stone, trying to control her breath. "What's going on?"

"You were right," she managed to get out, before taking a huge involuntary gasp induced by her crying. She tried again. "She was experimenting. She was - she's using me to experiment."

"Oh, Dorcas," Remus breathed, gathering her into a hug. She began sobbing in earnest, feeling a little ashamed when she realised this was the second time she had wept into Remus' sweater. "It's all right. You're going to be ok."

"And now-" Dorcas hiccoughed embarrassingly, "and now she wants to do it again, and she won't _stop_ , and it's _so tiring_ , Remus, I'm so tired."

Remus rubbed soothing circles into her back, and Dorcas felt a little bad for inflicting this on him. "She's one person, Dorcas. You're allowed to be sad, and tired. I get it. Believe me, before Sirius and I started going out he fucked up quite a bit too."

Dorcas took a deep breath and stepped back. "Tell me. It might make me feel better about my godawful life."

"Well, hours after we had our first kiss, he went and snogged Marlene, and then shagged her a few weeks later."

A shocked laugh burst out of Dorcas, which she quickly stifled. "That does make me feel better, actually."

Remus chuckled. "I'm glad."

* * *

Rumours in Hogwarts spread like mad.

Remus could see the toll it was taking on his boyfriend. All the joy and sparkle from Valentine's Day had been sucked out of Sirius, who was now the butt of most of Hogwarts' jokes. Delightful words scrawled on his belongings, Flobberworms in his satchel, slurs hissed in corridors, Dungbombs and spitballs launched in class. Remus knew James had threatened to kick anyone who said anything off the Quidditch team, but Remus could tell that things were still bad.

No one touched Remus.

He hated it. He deserved it as much as Sirius, and could probably take it better. And most of all, he hated himself for not doing anything. He didn't hold Sirius' hand, didn't hug him in public or even touch him, really. Remus never yelled back at the people snarling, never defended his boyfriend like James and Marlene and Lily did. And the worst part was he knew Sirius would have done it. He knew Sirius would have hexed anyone who dared say anything about Remus. And Remus was such a coward, he couldn't do the same.

Every night, he whispered apologies into Sirius' hair and try not to touch the ugly scar on his neck as they fell asleep, every night, Sirius would cry out and thrash blindly with the horrors inflicted upon him in his nightmares and wake up shuddering in Remus' arms. Every night, Remus would tangle their legs and pepper kisses all over his face and whisper, _you are safe, you are loved_. But it was never enough.

After Remus and Lily got out of Charms, they took the long route back from the classroom, just to avoid people. Lily kept darting concerned glances at him, but he pretended he didn't notice. Remus wasn't sure he could handle Lily's nosiness right now, well-intentioned though it may have been.

"Rem-" she started, but Remus sighed and shook his head, and she got it. She chewed on her lip, then changed tack. "What're we going to do about Nott?"

Remus blinked, but was grateful for the subject change all the same. "Er. I thought James was on that."

"James is struggling," Lily said, glancing at him under her lashes with the air of confidance. "What with being Quidditch Captain, and all his subjects to become an Auror, and rushing Mary and I and now Sirius around, he's flagging a bit. I don't think he's used to studying this much."

Remus felt a stab of guilt. He knew he ought to be trying to protect his friends as much, but the problem was, he wasn't as respected as James. No one would be deterred by him. And Remus hated being violent, or intimidating. It reminded him too much of the beast. "Er, Sirius as well," he confided back. "He's not used to having to put actual work into school. Yesterday he asked me how to study for Charms. How did he get by for five years?"

"Luck and natural brains," Lily said grimly. "Well, that's the main two pranksters gone, then. We may as well forget it."

"Hold on," Remus returned, grinning slightly, "you don't think they're the two main masterminds behind all our pranks, do you?"

Lily frowned at him. "Er... I did? They're the ones that changed all the clocks that one time, and sabotaged the Slytherins' brooms, and filled the Transfiguration corridor with bubble juice."

Remus snorted. "Er, those were all me. Well, they helped, and they executed most of it, but I was the one that came up with them."

Lily's mouth fell open, and she whacked him with her substantial satchel. " _Remus Lupin_! How did you make Prefect?"

"James and Sirius took most of the fall for it," Remus explained. "They were the ones who were caught in the act, and they didn't mind being in detention while I did."

Lily was still chuckling. "I'm seeing you in a whole different light now."

"Yeah, you are."

They reached Gryffindor Tower and headed straight up to the boys' dorm, finding Mary and Peter already there. "Oh, finally, the brains have arrived!" Mary sang, flopping over.

"Excuse me, I'm not the one who does Advanced Arithmancy, Transfiguration, and Astronomy," Lily countered, stepping over books to get to a free spot on the floor.

"Irrelevant. Wait, I need help." She checked the parchment before her, tongue sticking out of her mouth in concentration. "Er... what's the phase of the moon going to be on the twenty-first?"

Lily frowned, but Remus spoke up instinctually, the answer coming to him automatically. "Waxing gibbous."

Mary's eyes flicked to him. "That was alarmingly fast. You don't even take Astronomy."

Remus' eyes widened as he realised his mistake, and Lily quickly stepped in, thumping him lightly on the shoulder. "Heh, well, you know our Remus. Such a swot. I bet he does reading about other subjects in his free time."

Mary stuck her tongue out in earnest, then went back to her books. Remus glanced at Lily quickly and mouthed _thank you_. She nodded back, and Remus slumped on the bed, feeling as though he had just been pulled of the precipice of a cliff.

Dorcas burst into the room, laden with pastries, still steaming. "Here you go. Make sure to thank the house elves the next time you go see them, because they're the ones who allowed me to use the kitchen. Pete, slow down, they're hot."

"Don't care," Peter said around his pastry, already huffing from the heat. "So good, Dorcs."

Remus nicked a pastry, reckoning he had earned a treat. "Don't tell them this, but I think yours is better than theirs."

Dorcas scoffed, but nabbed her own, munching. "Well, what do you know. Maybe I can bake eclairs decently well."

They spent the rest of the afternoon studying, complaining, and swaying along to music, courtesy of Mary's new Queen record. The Quidditch players finally came back, tired and muddy, and the girls immediately took off, though Remus noticed that Dorcas went a different way than the others.

James came out of the bath fairly quickly, scrubbing his hair perfunctorily before chucking it onto the bed. "What's up?"

"Lily and I were discussing the Nott situation earlier," Remus said absently, scribbling down a value for Potions. "What should we do, and how should we gather like-minded people?"

James slumped on his bed. "Mary said we should do a walk-out."

"A what?"

"A walk-out. Apparently, it's when you march out of class to protest something. It could work."

Remus tried not to be too pessimistic. "Maybe, but it could also just end up with us being expelled," he tried.

James sighed, then got up and went to get his books. "We'll have to check the rulebook."

"And spread the word somehow, without people who'll oppose us knowing."

"Sounds like a plan." James opened his Transfiguration textbook, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "Maybe later, though. I'm swamped right now."

Remus sat up, his hair brushing the bedpost. "You alright, Prongs? You seem awfully tired of late."

"NEWTs," James shrugged gloomily, "plus Quidditch. We absolutely can't afford to lose another match if we want a place in the finals. I won't have Gryffindor's two-year winning streak broken, I won't do it."

"All right," Remus chewed the inside of his cheek, studying his friend, whose usual shine was a bit dulled. "James. If you need any help, I'm here, ok?"

"Ok," James said, flashing a brief smile at his friend, and Remus felt a little better, but not much.

* * *

Regulus Black lounged on a sofa in the Slytherin common room, the chamber warm from the crackling green fire. Evan Rosier, his best friend, sat next to him, squinting at his textbook. Regulus took pity on his friend. "What's wrong, Evan?"

Evan scowled, stabbing his quill into the inkpot, sending blots everywhere, and falling back onto the dark green fabric. "I'm sick of schoolwork. We don't even need to do it, anyway. Our families have already got nice jobs waiting for us in the Ministry once we graduate. Marks are only for people who _need_ it."

"Now, now, let's not get complacent, Rosier," Regulus returned lazily, waving his wand and entertaining himself with the soft green sparks that floated out. "We don't want people thinking you're just a stuck-up brat."

Evan sat up, mouth stuttering open at his friend's words. "If I'm a stuck-up brat, then you're a conceited snob!" he said hotly. "Mummy and Daddy's darling, set up to inherit every ounce of the Black family wealth after his disgraced older brother fell from favour-"

"Shut up," Regulus tried to drawl, though the mention of his brother made his insides shrivel. "Just because you haven't got money-"

"I've got _enough_ , just not the pots of it your lot are sitting on-"

"Doesn't mean you have to be jealous, Evan. Green is a lovely colour on you, but not in this way."

Evan barked out a sharp laugh. "Careful, Black," he said, sitting up uneasily and eyeing his best friend. "You don't want people thinking you're a pansy like your dearest brother."

Fear gripped Regulus around the throat as he sat up and pointed his wand at Evan. "Shut up," he said, all trace of mirth gone from his voice now, trying to make himself sound commanding like his father did. "That's not funny."

His friend did the exact opposite, slumping into the sofa, the tension leaving his shoulders and an easy grin returning to his face. "Easy, Reg. Only taking the piss. Don't get so worked up about your brother."

"Talking about the disgraced Black, are we?" Severus Snape from the year above drifted over to them, his too-big robes trailing behind him, giving him the impression of an overgrown bat. Regulus and Evan exchanged smirks. Though Snape was a Prefect, he was still ridiculed for being an absolute pain in the arse. When talking about their Gryffindor rivals, however, he often proved to be surprisingly relevant. "Regulus. How did you know? That he was a flaming homo."

Something sank in Regulus' stomach. He'd been anticipating this question ever since he'd revealed that Sirius was queer. Regulus hadn't been lying, it was all too much for him, but - his brother had looked so desperate when asking Regulus not to expose Lupin.

And Regulus would have to be lying if he said he didn't feel guilty. It wasn't that he would have changed any of his actions, exactly, it's just - Sirius was his brother. But he hadn't been acting like that much of a brother.

Regulus remembered the most recent letter from his mother lying on top of his trunk in the dorm. _He's officially written out of the will and the Black family records, Regulus. In all manners of speaking, you are now the eldest and the only Black heir. Everything goes to you after we die._ Regulus' heart pounded. Sirius had admitted to him, when they came back home for Christmas, that he wasn't going to keep the Black name. Regulus' big brother was finally abandoning him without a second thought.

"Well?" Evan said, staring at him expectantly, and Regulus knew what he was going to say.

* * *

The first meeting of the Duelling Club in 1977 was a big event for most of Hogwarts, from everyone second year and above. The appointment of Avni Choudhary stirred interest for the club up again, and even the most jaded and cynical seventh-years decided to come along for the first meeting. Muttering crowded the halls outside the Great Hall, saying that the only reason it had taken three weeks for the club to meet again was because Nott had put up such a fight to get Choudhary demoted that Dumbledore had to postpone it.

But the eighteen-year-old had won, and she was inside, with Nott and Flitwick to help supervise. People milled about in the Entrance Hall in the hundreds, Remus didn't think he had seen this many students in one place other than inside the Great Hall itself.

"Make way, make way!" A teacher's voice called, and students parted to let Slughorn through. The Potions professor stopped outside the doors to mop his brow, then pushed into the hall. Remus guessed that the club hadn't anticipated this volume of students and needed to call for extra support. The doors closed again, and the muttering reached a new pitch. People were getting impatient.

"Hiya," Lily said breathlessly as she, James, Sirius, and Mary showed up. Remus nodded back from his position between Dorcas and Peter.

"Where's Marls-"

As soon as Sirius showed his face, the jeers started, and not only from the Slytherins. "Oi, poofter! How'd you like it-"

"Silencio," Lily hissed, and the boy yelling went mute, unable to voice his poisonous words. "Ten points from Hufflepuff."

"Oh, come on now, Evans," Snape said, strolling forward, his eyes glittering. "I hardly think that's necessary. Poor Fitz here just wanted to make a lighthearted joke."

"I'm a Prefect, I've got every right-"

"So am I," Snape reminded smoothly, and Lily's face darkened with rage.

"To finish Fitzy's thought," Mulciber jeered over by the other Slytherin boys, "Black, how'd you like it when Lupin takes you up the arse?"

They all froze.

Remus couldn't feel his face, his hands, his toes. His body seemed to be sucking all the blood back towards his heart, hammering rapidly. This wasn't real. _How did they find out? They had been so careful._ Around them, whispers were spreading through the student body. _Lupin and Black. Lupin and Black are shagging. Lupin is the reason Black showed up with all those marks._

Avery chuckled, a low, dirty sound. "Thought we wouldn't find out, did you?" Their silence seemed to answer for him. Remus didn't dare turn his head to look at Sirius, and for some reason, none of their friends stepped in. "Now, boys. Who's the quill, and who's the inkpot?"

Laughter burst out from around them from the students who understood the crude joke, which was practically everyone above the third year. Rosier joined in, leering. "I'll place my money on Black being the receptacle. Since he's so willing to _bend over_." There was a thump beside him, and Remus finally turned to look. Someone had kicked Sirius' knees out, and he was now kneeling on the floor. Sirius had always been very bad at hiding who he was, and every emotion flickered eloquently across his face now.

To see _his_ Sirius, who'd taken the Cruciatus without a flinch to stand up for his beliefs, who'd spent months learning how to turn into a bloody dog just to make full moons more bearable for him, who'd made so many sacrifices and gone through so much to be forced to kneel to fucking _Avery_ -

"Oi, fuck off," James snapped, but they ignored him. Why was everyone else staying so silent? They couldn't be the only queer people in the bloody school. _They're doing what you're doing, Remus,_ he reminded himself. _Being cowards. You're no one to blame them._

Someone started making lewd noises. Remus dared a glance around. Some idiots were laughing, but most people just looked uncomfortable. He saw a Ravenclaw girl from his Charms class whose features were twisted in outright disgust, and nausea stirred his insides. He was fairly sure he'd lent her quills before, and she'd doodled on his notes. He'd asked these people questions when he was lost, and even had tutored a few. And now they were staring at him like he was some kind of perv.

" _Harder_!" someone gasped breathily, laughs erupting from around the commenter. They were mocking at the best thing in Remus' life, ripping their bond from the private, sacred place they both shared and putting it up on display for everyone's entertainment, ridiculing and making Remus ashamed. Sirius and him, him and Sirius. _Mine,_ he wanted to tell them, stupidly, _he's mine, that's mine, get away from it. Get away from me, get away from him, get away from us, get away from our love._

Remus was going to be sick. He looked around desperately, trying his hardest to keep his face neutral, because he _couldn't_ lose it now, and why wasn't anybody _saying_ anything, and the whole world seemed to be spinning and everyone's taunts were bleeding into a homogenous blur...

" _ORBIS_!" a voice screamed from behind them, and Mulciber, Avery, and Rosier were sucked into the ground without a trace. _Oh, thank Merlin_.

Everyone turned to where Marlene McKinnon was standing, hair falling out of her plait, tears gleaming in her eyes.

Snape growled, advancing on her with his wand aloft, but Lily stepped forward and shoved her own under the soft flesh of his jaw. "Take another step and they'll be peeling your bollocks off the walls." Snape had to gulp.

"Fuck all of you," Marlene snarled at the students, tears streaming openly down her face. "FUCK YOU! You're all the bloody reason why people get harassed while walking to class!"

"Marls," Mary said gently from behind them, taking her friend's hand, "let's go." Marlene allowed Mary to pull her away.

Everyone's gaze turned back to Sirius and Remus, and one of the kids Remus had tutored stepped forward. "...it's not true, is it, Lupin?" she asked hesitantly. "They just took it too far?"

The student body of Hogwarts watched with bated breath to see what Remus would say next, and he made up his mind alarmingly quickly. "'Course it's not," he rasped, then cleared his throat and tried again. "Of course it's not true." And then he turned and strode away as fast as he could without it seeming like he was fleeing.

He didn't think he'd ever hated himself this much, not even when his father called him a wretched monster when he was nine and his mother threw Lyall out of the house. Not even when he was convinced that he'd broken up his family single-handedly, made his father kill himself at age thirty-three. Not even as he watched his mother struggle to make ends meet, knowing he was at fault for her hardship.

This was the most cowardly thing Remus Lupin had ever done.

And he knew it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 37 done. I know it's been a bit, and I'm sorry! Just been really busy lately. I'm reasonably happy with how this one turned out, let me know how you like it! thanks for all the comments!


	38. Aftermath Part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorcas and Lily realise something. Remus and Sirius talk. There is pain.

The aftermath was pretty horrible, not that Dorcas paid much attention to it.

Mutters rose in the hall after Remus left, and Sirius quickly rose to his feet and hurried out of there, though taking a different route than the one his boyfriend had. Lily and James exchanged nervous glances before Lily took off after Remus and James after Sirius.

So it was just Dorcas and Peter standing there, reeling, as Snape tried to remember the counter-jinx that Marlene had used on his friends.

_Marlene._

That was singularly the most attractive thing Dorcas had ever seen Marlene do, and it was a long list. She struggled to unpick the meaning of this. Why had Marlene done that? For what? Was it possible that... No. It couldn't be.

But it sure as hell seemed like it. Why would Marlene, who hated being at the centre of drama, draw so much attention to herself in front of the entire school if she didn't care about the reason? Not even James, who usually was the first one to defend his friends, had stepped up.

Dorcas felt like such a coward. Why not admit it? She was scared that people would realise her own secret, scared that she would become the next target. _Not very Gryffindor of you, Meadowes._ It was strange. When she'd first arrived at Hogwarts, she'd wanted to be in Hufflepuff like her mum, Hufflepuff where the people were kinder, calmer, and had less conflict. And instead, she'd been placed in rash, reckless Gryffindor, where she felt out of place. Still sometimes did, five years later.

But Marlene... she had proved she was a Gryffindor through and through, proved her bravery. Her courage. And Dorcas began to feel hope bloom in her chest like a deadly flower, threatening to rise into her throat and choke her altogether. Dorcas was familiar with this feeling that sprung up far too often these days. She needed to kill it, tamp it down, because if it blossomed too far, she was doomed.

Well, she was sort of doomed anyway. But she could at least slow the acceleration towards her demise down.

"What is the meaning of this?" Professor McGonagall's stern voice flooded the chamber, silencing any chatter. "Snape, what _are_ you doing?"

"McKinnon used the _orbis_ jinx on Avery, Mulciber, and Rosier, Professor," Snape explained, brushing his greasy hair away from his forehead angrily. "We can't figure out the counter-jinx-"

"Here, let me," Lockhart entered the little clearing and drew his wand, pushing back his unnecessarily long sleeves. "I've performed this counter-jinx many times, we should have no trouble-"

"Out of the way, Lockhart," McGonagall snapped, all too familiar with the boy's antics. She muttered a short incantation, and Avery, Mulciber, and Rosier sprang out of the ground, looking a bit pale.

"We should get out of here," Peter murmured to Dorcas as McGonagall started looking around for a perpetrator. "She's going to want to speak to us, and I'm really not in the mood."

"Yeah, let's go," Dorcas agreed faintly, and they started to make their way back to Gryffindor Tower. Dorcas wanted her music desperately, to drown out the real world and all the problems contained in it. She could feel her messy tangle of emotions sitting underneath her sternum like a brick.

* * *

Sirius was found by James in the trophy room, where he was carefully studying the names engraved on a plaque from a hundred years ago. He didn't give a toss about who'd won the Quidditch Cup in 1882, but there was nothing better to look at.

"Sirius, you alright?"

Sirius gave a watery laugh, refusing to look at his best friend. "Do I look alright?"

James came closer, leaning on the glass case. "Want to talk about it?"

"No."

James sighed. "I'm your best mate. Whatever it is, you can tell me."

"Don't really feel like telling anybody, Prongs. Don't take it personally."

"Sirius," James tried again, "talk to me. It doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense, you need to tell me what's going on. You're not your usual self, you haven't made a joke in about five days, you-"

Sirius had enough. "Would you be making _jokes_?" he hissed, his anger finally spilling out onto poor James, but he didn't care. "Would you be laughing and having a good time if practically everything in your life had gone to shit?"

"Padfoot-"

"Everything is gone, James," the energy suddenly left him, as quickly as it had come. "People don't like me anymore, my brother betrayed me, Remus will hardly touch me even if there isn't anyone looking at us. He hasn't even kissed me properly in five days. I can't do it anymore. It's too much." He took a deep breath, then said it before he could change his mind. "I'm resigning from the Quidditch team."

James turned to stare at him. "What? Why?"

Sirius kicked out at the wall, a starburst of pain flaring in his toes. "Because that's gone to bloody shit, too. You and Marlene are lovely, but everyone else just avoids me like the plague. They won't even speak to me properly, they all call me 'Black'-" his voice broke embarrassingly, "and I'm crap at it, everyone's noticing now. You should have never put me on the team in the first place."

"Sirius," James' voice was low and deadly serious, "have I ever taken the piss about Quidditch?" Sirius, surprised by the intensity, shook his head. "It's because Quidditch is too important for that. If I didn't think you were the best option for the team, I wouldn't have chosen you. So don't you dare gripe about how you don't deserve to be on the team, because you do. Understood?"

Sirius let his eyelids flutter shut, nodding slightly. "Ok."

"It's going to get better, I promise," James said earnestly. "There's no way you two are the only queers in the school, and you know what people are like. Just as soon as the next piece of gossip comes around, they'll forget all about it. You're going to be all right, ok?"

"All right," Sirius said tiredly, because it was easier to agree than to argue with his best friend, and Sirius was _exhausted_.

"C'mon. Let's go back."

* * *

After dinner, they all reconvened to the boy's dorm, their friends huddling around Sirius and Remus like a protective bubble. Sirius appreciated it, but he couldn't help feeling like they were shielding them, making them out to be some kind of victims.

He still hadn't spoken to Remus, or even looked at him properly. It was hard to describe what he felt towards him now, the festering mix of betrayal and anger and grief and understanding and pain. Mostly just pain. Sirius was bad at coping with things, he usually just pushed them down, locked them up, plastered a smirk on his face, and made jokes. But that wouldn't work this time, because everyone had seen what had happened, and everyone would know.

Mary tentatively put on a slow, melancholy song, and people did their homework, James and Lily poring over the Hogwarts rulebook, and Peter reading the newspapers. Sirius stared at his history textbook, not absorbing a single word written on the page.

After half an hour of quiet, James sighed, pushing the heels of his hands into his eyes. "Right, enough. Let's thrash this out, then."

"There's nothing to thrash out," Remus objected, and then something in Sirius broke.

"Of course you'd say that."

Remus' posture instantly changed, becoming guarded, and Sirius felt even worse because he'd promised himself he'd never make Remus look like that, but this was too much. "Of course I'd say what, exactly?"

"Of course you'd want to ignore this. You want to pretend nothing happened, just like you want to pretend that there's nothing between us. Like I don't exist to you."

Remus' throat bobbed, and Sirius wished that he could peel him apart, figure on just what was going on in his head. "I - Sirius-"

"What?" Sirius demanded, getting up now. "What are you going to say?"

"You don't know what you're talking about," Remus finally said, remaining seated.

"Oh, I don't, do I? Because I think we both know what's going on here. Your precious reputation is more important to you than I am."

Remus stood up now, eyes blazing. "Reputation? _What_ reputation? The glowing one I possess that marks me as the scarred, quiet freak who gets good marks? What reputation are you talking about, exactly? Please, do let me know."

Sirius scoffed. "Fine. Reputation was the wrong word, then. Let's get down to it, shall we? You're too fucking scared of what people will think of you to want to be with me properly."

Remus gave a snort. "Oh, _I'm_ the one who's scared? Let's not forget what you pulled at the start of the year, Sirius - you practically tortured me for weeks on end because you were scared, too-"

Sirius felt the words land like a blow to stomach. "That's from ages ago, I'm talking about now-"

"Oh, really? So when it's convenient for you, we can just forget the past?"

"I've apologised endlessly for that, you know I have! And at least I was still lying to _myself_ at that point! You want all the benefits of being with me without any of the hardships!"

Remus drew himself up to his full height, and some small, squashed instinct in Sirius wanted to shrink back, to protect himself. _This is Remus,_ he reminded himself to no avail. "You want to bring up hardships? Who comforts you when you have nightmares? Who helps you study, who's always there to have your back-"

"Remus-" _Surely someone will stop us,_ Sirius thought desperately, _they'll see that this is going too far, and they'll stop us._

" _I HAD TO WATCH THEM TORTURE YOU_!" Remus roared, tears glinting in his eyes. "I had to watch them use the bloody _Cruciatus_ on you because you couldn't keep your mouth shut, because you had to provoke them further, because you couldn't stand not having the last word. I know you don't think very far into the future when you say something, Sirius, but you could have _died_ , or _gone insane_. Do you understand what that means? I would have had to watch you _die_."

Sirius almost couldn't breathe on the massive lump that rose in his throat, but after seventeen years of practice, he was decent at holding the tears in, though not very good at pretending he didn't want to cry. "What would you have had me do, then?" he choked out. "Would you want me to be sworn into the service of the fucking Dark Lord, just so I wouldn't have to brave the Cruciatus? Don't you see, I would rather die than sink into submission for things I don't believe in. You know, when I first saw that fucking thing written on the desk, all I thought of was you. I begged my brother not to expose you, he could say all that he liked about me, but he wasn't to touch you. And you know what? You can't say the same."

Sirius knew that he'd quickly pushed Remus onto the defensive. "I - it's different for me, all right? Not everyone can be like you, Sirius-" here his voice broke, and Sirius' heart ached, but he didn't know what to do, "not everyone has the courage to _take it_ all-"

"Don't give me that," Sirius hissed, the pain in his chest becoming practically unbearable, "don't patronise me, please. You were put in Gryffindor, Remus, you've got plenty of courage when you want to use it - no, the problem here is that _you don't want to use it_." He stepped closer, and the grief on Remus' face was too much to handle, and _someone stop us, please stop us,_ "You don't care enough about me to stand up for me, Remus."

"What - I-" Remus rasped, colour leaping blotchily up his throat, voice coming out strangled. "That's not fair, Sirius-"

"Oh, really-"

"That's not fair," he repeated, and Sirius realised Remus' eyes were locked on his own, amber desperately sifting through grey, trying to reach him, trying to make him _understand_. "I love you more than I've loved anyone in my life, Sirius. You can't-" his voice cracked again, "you idiot, I'm trying to tell you - it's like a piece of you is in here-" he thumped his chest, "and you're in me, tied to me, so you can't tell me I don't care about you. You can't."

A vice clamped around Sirius' throat, squeezing and squeezing and _please, stop us, this is going in a direction that I don't think I can live with_. "Then how come you don't _say_ anything?" Sirius croaked. "How come you're just content to watch me suffer if you care so much?"

"I-" Remus stared pleadingly at him, seemingly trying to search for the words, but nothing came out.

Sirius exhaled in a bitter laugh. "That's fitting. All right. Forget it, then. Forget all of it, Moony. I can't do it anymore."

Panic flooded Remus' face, and his hand shot out and grasped Sirius around the wrist. "Wait. No. Sirius - you're not..."

Sirius lifted a shoulder to avoid saying anything, because he knew if he did, he would break. "No. No, no, no, you can't do that." Tears leaked from his eyes, and Sirius was _this close_ to losing it. "Please. You promised - you promised you would never leave me. Us against the world. You said it would be us against the world."

"Then it has to be _us_ , Remus, not just me."

Remus stared at him, desolation clear in his eyes, and Sirius was breaking, every piece of his heart falling apart because they all belonged to this boy, and he couldn't do it, he couldn't do it. But someone took his hand, he didn't look to see who, and then they were leading him out of the dorm to the dark corridor outside and then the dam finally burst and he began to cry, pushing his forehead into the wall and sobbing, shoulders shaking with the force of them. The person who was with him rubbed his back soothingly, and only then did Sirius turn around and see who it was.

Marlene's eyes were close to shedding tears, too, but she just squeezed his hand, and then Sirius threw himself into her arms and properly cried.

* * *

Sirius and Remus' split was good news for absolutely nobody.

For one, it forced people to take sides, or at least choose who to sit with in classes, in the dorm, and during meals. Lily naturally took Remus' side, along with Dorcas and Peter, while Mary, James, and Marlene took Sirius' side. Though when the two had been absent, everyone agreed that it was far too complicated to be one person's fault.

Their break didn't stop any of the hatred from the other students of Hogwarts, though, it just meant they weren't able to console themselves with the thought that at least they were putting up with it for each other. They were both obviously thoroughly miserable, and it showed. Lily didn't know how to bring the subject up, though.

"What're we to do, Potter?" she complained to James as they trudged to lessons one day. "They're perfect for each other, practically soulmates, and it's just so irritating that they can't _see_ it."

"They'll sort it out," James said with assured confidence, and it was only because Lily knew him better now that she could see it for what it really was: surety he didn't feel.

She thought of this as she made the seemingly impossibly long ascent into the boys' dorm after an exhausting day. Dorcas was off in the Herbology greenhouse doing something, Marlene, Mary and Remus in the library, Sirius moping in some hidden corner of the school. Lily approached the door, slinging her satchel off her aching shoulder, ready to march in and lie on one of the unused beds and never move again, when she heard loud voices coming from underneath the door.

"I'm not saying they're in the right, I'm just saying - well, it's a bit understandable, that's all." Peter's voice.

"How is it understandable? They're making fun of Remus and Sirius for something they can't even control! It's like Moony's furry little problem." James.

"It's nothing like Moony's problem," Peter protested, "that's something he _really_ can't do anything about."

"They can't do anything about this, either, Peter!"

"Yes, they can!" Peter said hotly. "I'm not saying they have to, or that they should, but if they really wanted to, they could go out with girls-"

"So you're blaming them for _other people's reactions_ to them? How is that fair?"

Lily had had enough, and burst into the room. "James," she said loudly, ignoring the other boy entirely. "Will you come with me to the library, please?"

James' olive skin was flushed, and it seemed to go even more red when she said that. "...yeah. Sure." He walked almost unsteadily towards her, and Lily reached out and grabbed his hand, and they walked until they'd reached the portrait hole and got through to the other side.

He was still staring at her, that shocked reverence plastered on his face. "What?" she asked, one side of her mouth lifting slightly. He was adorably attractive when he was like this.

"You called me James," he said, tone full of awe. "You've never called me James before."

Lily frowned at him. "What? Of course I have," but he was shaking his head, a grin spreading across his face.

"You always call me Potter, or you, or oi," he said. "But you called me James."

Lily blinked, head spinning, sending her way back into fourth year when James had tried to get her to call him by his first name for a month and she had adamantly refused to. Old habits, she supposed. "James," she said again, smiling at him.

The shine in his eyes was a wonder to behold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 38 done. I almost cried writing that awful scene between wolfstar, but it needed to be done. I tried to end on a happy-ish note with jily? I apologise. Also, thank you for the comments and kudos. love you all.


End file.
